Saturday, May 19, 2007

so it turns out there are people in life who get even drunker than me. i know. drunker than me, who knew. these are the people who call you when you are drinking dollar pbr at the shitty dive bar and tell you you have to come take someone to the hospital and then when you get there you have to roll up your pants because they have pissed all over the place and are adamant about NOT GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING HOSPITAL even though their head is split open and they are bleeding all over the place and the furniture is all broken and the dude who is i guess in charge is huddled in the corner talking about babysitting the tasmanian devil.

this is when i have to scream SIR. EXCUSE ME SIR PLEASE TALK TO ME. IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE AIDS? this is always a good question to ask a person who is bleeding all over you. meanwhile my friend who is dating this mess is running around having a heart attack because she can't find any bactine. LOOK SIR, i am screaming, I HAVE A GIANT PURSE AND IN MY GIANT PURSE I HAVE VODKA AND A NEEDLE AND THREAD. I CAN FIX YOUR HEAD BUT IT IS GOING TO SCAR AND YOU WILL NEVER GROW HAIR THERE AGAIN, IS THAT OKAY? and i poured my entire pink sparkley flask of cheap vodka over his head while screaming at him to MAN UP! and then i sewed this man's head together.

YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO MAN UP AND STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO GET HOME SO I CAN EAT MY RAMEN NOODLES AND LISTEN TO DEPECHE MODE, OKAY?? that is the part where the drooly guy on the couch pops up and is like hahahhahah depeche mode, and high fives me.

VOILA! YOU NOW HAVE A COUTURE HEAD! MON DIEU! this is what you have to say afterwards to make the person laugh, because laughter is the best medicine, it's true, i learned this from patch adams. HERE'S TO SHANTIES AND WET PANTIES! STOP CRYING JIM! SHANTIES AND WET PANITES! SAY IT!

then i wrote LEATHERFACE on his back with a urine saturated sharpie i found on the ground, with an arrow all the way up to my handiwork. and the moral of this story if there is one is that you want me around when you are drunk because i can do what all the king's horses and all the king's men cant, and drunkenly sew your busted head back together.

and now my water is boiling and depeche mode is waiting for me, bon niut.
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