Tuesday, May 08, 2007

period blood

after you have an abortion getting your period is like christmas because it means you don't have to borrow money from all your friends in order to arrange the contract killing of your unborn child this month. i told this to some chick within like seven minutes of meeting her this weekend. sometimes i am amazed i even have friends.

seriously though if you don't have a period you can't create the miracle of life inside yourself and also destroy the miracle of life inside yourself so i guess you never get to know what it feels like to be god like i do.

getting a period is also awesome because once a month you have access to so much blood that if your boss was pissing you off you could smear I WIN in blood all over your cubicle right before you get fired.

so if you are like 11 or whatever and you just got your period you probably think it sucks but later you will realize that it is cool because having a period is godly and gory at the same time what more could you want out of life. i hated getting my period when i was a little kid because the only kind of tampons around the house were these things that were like the size of my forearm OH IT IS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AGAIN, THAT TIME OF THE MONTH WHERE I GET TO CHOOSE BETWEEN FISTING MYSELF WITH A GIANT COTTON BALE OR SHOVING A COTTON BEACHTOWEL BETWEEN MY LEGS. anyway now they make tampons that are made out of like silk and pearls or something.

i am getting way off track now but i hate those stupid tampon commercials where it says how the one kind of tampon expands widthwise and the other one expands all around and it has these ladies doing like jumping jacks that are supposed to be bad widthwise tampons and these other ladies spinning around with glee and their skirts are expanding ALL THE WAY AROUND TO REPRESENT THE GOOD TAMPONS. my tampons don't even expand until i throw them in the toilet water it is like those capsules you throw in a puddle and it bursts into a dinosaur. thank you tampons for bringing me back to my childhood.
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