Sunday, May 27, 2007

laguna bitch

i just remembered i forgot to tell you guys about the scariest girl i ever met. i was not scared of her when i met her because i was too busy being astonished by how incredibly stupid these guys she had with her were. one of them spent forty minutes telling me about my aura. HE SAID MY AURA WAS PINK.

obviously i had to get out of my mind drunk in order to deal with that, which resulted in me ripping the heads off a bunch of dolls and stuffing them in my purse during a drunken blackout. i don't even know what this thing is obviously i had entered some kind of hellish psychadelic reality by the end of the night.

the next thing i know we are in this girl's apartment and i tell my friends she is a witch and i know this because i have suddenly become possessed with an innate sense of ju ju.

here's the artwork that was hanging all over her apartment.

so i go WOAH WHY ARE THERE PICTURES OF BOY GEORGE EVERYWHERE? she did not think that was funny which confirmed to me that she had no soul and then she decided to educate me that THAT IS MARILYN MANSON WITH MY DAUGHTER. so i had to ask her why the fuck she was advertising that she had her daughter sit for portriats with marilyn manson.

then she goes outside and i'm like GUYS IF WE STAY HERE THIS PSYCHO IS GOING TO INDOCTRINATE US INTO THE WAYS OF SCIENTOLOGY WE WILL BE DEAD INSIDE LIKE HER AND HER CREEPY DAUGHTER AND KATIE HOLMES WE HAVE TO LEAVE I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW I CAN DRIVE IT'S COOL. i didn't have a car.

then the scientologist came back in with this dirty cat she found on the street and i drag my friends into the other room and am like THERE IS A FERAL CAT IN THE APARTMENT. A FERAL CAT. WE ARE ALL GOING TO GET RABIES AND FELINE AIDS IF WE STAY.

of course we end up staying and all of us end up sleeping in this girl's bed while she sleeps on the couch probably because i was going to have a heart attack if any of us slept within five feet of her. gia tried to cheer me up with a drunken photo shoot.

i have a lighter in my hand in that picture that i was clearly going to use to ward her off with fire if she tried to do any spells on me while i was sleeping.

stop making me smile i am trying to hang myself with this scarf.

then i wake up and sabrina is gone and the first thing this girl says to me is ARE YOU A KLEPTOMANIAC? uh no. get me the fuck out of here. gia can sleep for seventy hours so i have to pretend to sleep because i don't want to look at this girl because she looks like she is made out of wax and it is scaring me. the cat is gone. she probably ate it. she tries everything to get me to stay in the house including trying to bribe me with food and alcohol and offering to buy me things.

this is why i can probably never live in california. there are idiots there who are stupider than any idiots i have ever met in my life and i know a lot of stupid idiots. and then you end up hanging out with scientologists. it turns out as much as i like reading bret easton ellis novels i don't want to end up living my life in one.
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