Thursday, May 31, 2007

I AM LEAVING FOR NEW YORK IN LIKE THREE HOURS!!! good thing i didn't unpack from maine yet so i can just grab my bag and jump on the airplane.

i flew to maine with other people i haven't been accompanied on an airplane for like ten years and i realized i hate it. i am flying by myself today so that should be fantastic and there is a book convention in new york. best case scenario i make some publishing house fall in love with me and give me a job and i never have to come back worst case scenario i get a bunch of free books. win win situation.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

laguna bitch

i just remembered i forgot to tell you guys about the scariest girl i ever met. i was not scared of her when i met her because i was too busy being astonished by how incredibly stupid these guys she had with her were. one of them spent forty minutes telling me about my aura. HE SAID MY AURA WAS PINK.

obviously i had to get out of my mind drunk in order to deal with that, which resulted in me ripping the heads off a bunch of dolls and stuffing them in my purse during a drunken blackout. i don't even know what this thing is obviously i had entered some kind of hellish psychadelic reality by the end of the night.

the next thing i know we are in this girl's apartment and i tell my friends she is a witch and i know this because i have suddenly become possessed with an innate sense of ju ju.

here's the artwork that was hanging all over her apartment.

so i go WOAH WHY ARE THERE PICTURES OF BOY GEORGE EVERYWHERE? she did not think that was funny which confirmed to me that she had no soul and then she decided to educate me that THAT IS MARILYN MANSON WITH MY DAUGHTER. so i had to ask her why the fuck she was advertising that she had her daughter sit for portriats with marilyn manson.


then the scientologist came back in with this dirty cat she found on the street and i drag my friends into the other room and am like THERE IS A FERAL CAT IN THE APARTMENT. A FERAL CAT. WE ARE ALL GOING TO GET RABIES AND FELINE AIDS IF WE STAY.

of course we end up staying and all of us end up sleeping in this girl's bed while she sleeps on the couch probably because i was going to have a heart attack if any of us slept within five feet of her. gia tried to cheer me up with a drunken photo shoot.

i have a lighter in my hand in that picture that i was clearly going to use to ward her off with fire if she tried to do any spells on me while i was sleeping.

stop making me smile i am trying to hang myself with this scarf.

then i wake up and sabrina is gone and the first thing this girl says to me is ARE YOU A KLEPTOMANIAC? uh no. get me the fuck out of here. gia can sleep for seventy hours so i have to pretend to sleep because i don't want to look at this girl because she looks like she is made out of wax and it is scaring me. the cat is gone. she probably ate it. she tries everything to get me to stay in the house including trying to bribe me with food and alcohol and offering to buy me things.

this is why i can probably never live in california. there are idiots there who are stupider than any idiots i have ever met in my life and i know a lot of stupid idiots. and then you end up hanging out with scientologists. it turns out as much as i like reading bret easton ellis novels i don't want to end up living my life in one.

do you love it?

unlike usually when i don't write because i am too drunk and lazy or writing something else that i can tear up later when i decide to hate myself for being boring and self absorbed this time i was OUT OF TOWN.

OUT OF TOWN EATING FRIED CLAMS AND MAKING OUT WITH PIN BOYS UNDER THE BOARDWALK. in case you didn't know what a pin boy is it is the person who sets up the pins in the bowling alley that time forgot.

i guess i should probably move to a town where you can shoot guns in your backyard and compulsively play skee ball for three hours in a bikini while eating saltwater taffy and wondering if you're about to have an a & p moment.

the atlantic ocean is incredibly cold.

Monday, May 21, 2007

i'd rather be giving bone marrow.

even if you did not play florence nightengale this weekend and perform medical procedures on insanely drunk people you can still be a hero, yes, it's true.

you can join the bone marrow donor registry and they will send you a little kit and you will swab your cheek and send it back and then later maybe they will call you and say you can be a hero and save people's lives with your bone marrow. don't you want to be a hero? you have to sign up today because they are waiving the $52 registration fee today BUT YOU HAVE TO SIGN UP TODAY. seriously it's bone marrow. you can grow it back.

i guess you probably should do it because even i am registered and i am pretty much the personification of pure evil, i mean i fucking steal umbrellas from cold starving homeless people. i guess if you don't register you are a worse person than me, can you live with that? i don't think you can.


Saturday, May 19, 2007

so it turns out there are people in life who get even drunker than me. i know. drunker than me, who knew. these are the people who call you when you are drinking dollar pbr at the shitty dive bar and tell you you have to come take someone to the hospital and then when you get there you have to roll up your pants because they have pissed all over the place and are adamant about NOT GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING HOSPITAL even though their head is split open and they are bleeding all over the place and the furniture is all broken and the dude who is i guess in charge is huddled in the corner talking about babysitting the tasmanian devil.

this is when i have to scream SIR. EXCUSE ME SIR PLEASE TALK TO ME. IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE AIDS? this is always a good question to ask a person who is bleeding all over you. meanwhile my friend who is dating this mess is running around having a heart attack because she can't find any bactine. LOOK SIR, i am screaming, I HAVE A GIANT PURSE AND IN MY GIANT PURSE I HAVE VODKA AND A NEEDLE AND THREAD. I CAN FIX YOUR HEAD BUT IT IS GOING TO SCAR AND YOU WILL NEVER GROW HAIR THERE AGAIN, IS THAT OKAY? and i poured my entire pink sparkley flask of cheap vodka over his head while screaming at him to MAN UP! and then i sewed this man's head together.

YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO MAN UP AND STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO GET HOME SO I CAN EAT MY RAMEN NOODLES AND LISTEN TO DEPECHE MODE, OKAY?? that is the part where the drooly guy on the couch pops up and is like hahahhahah depeche mode, and high fives me.

VOILA! YOU NOW HAVE A COUTURE HEAD! MON DIEU! this is what you have to say afterwards to make the person laugh, because laughter is the best medicine, it's true, i learned this from patch adams. HERE'S TO SHANTIES AND WET PANTIES! STOP CRYING JIM! SHANTIES AND WET PANITES! SAY IT!

then i wrote LEATHERFACE on his back with a urine saturated sharpie i found on the ground, with an arrow all the way up to my handiwork. and the moral of this story if there is one is that you want me around when you are drunk because i can do what all the king's horses and all the king's men cant, and drunkenly sew your busted head back together.

and now my water is boiling and depeche mode is waiting for me, bon niut.

Friday, May 18, 2007

i think something is wrong with my mom because she doesn't love me unconditionally i thought when you created life inside yourself you were supposed to love it unconditionally. my dad doesn't love me unconditionally either but that's okay because now that i am no longer like his custodial property or whatever he is like WOAH THAT ANNOYING THING TURNED INTO A REAL PERSON I GUESS I CAN GO OUT AND DRINK WITH IT NOW. social workers probably shouldn't have kids anyway because they try to turn them into huge longitudinal case studies or something and then when they get their phds they can tell all their friends YES! SUCCESS! except then when they drop out of their doctoral programs they are filled with shame and berate them ever day and tell them they are going to end up on the streets. my mom doesn't have a phd either i don't know how she is not on the streets, i guess i should ask her how i too can avoid becoming destitute.

anyway i got a delightful email from her today about how i owe her money and i am basically a degenerate so i guess today is the day i am finally going to divorce my mom like i would have when i was 14 if i'd had a lawyer. the whole reason i owe her money in the first place is because i decided i didn't need car insurance anymore since my car basically sits on the street 350 days a year but i guess she didn't like that decision so she renewed it for me because even though i am like thirty years old i guess i am still incapable of acting without a guardian.

one time when i was like seven i told my mom CHILDREN COME THROUGH YOU NOT TO YOU. god that is a fucking sage maxim coming from a little kid. i guess she wasn't paying attention to my seven year old wisdom. wow if i ever had a hyper intelligent little kid i guess i would revere it as a guru instead of beating it down every chance i got.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

don't bring the cake eater over here anymore.

buttermilk cake

with italian cream cheese frosting

raspberries and blackberries.

Saturday, May 12, 2007



i guess i will probably go to new york at the end of the month because there is a book convention and i like books. i guess i will just lie and tell my boss i have to go because i am a famous writer that is what i told my advisor when i quit school. HA. i have no idea where some of these lies even come from.

anyway i can't decide if i should take a train or a plane because i can't decide if it would be lovely to take a train or not i kind of think it would be except the last time i took one it almost drove me homicidal of course i was with other people and i hate other people. taking a train alone: lovely and romantic or boring and irritating. TRAIN OR PLANE TRAIN OR PLANE I HAVE TO KNOW NOW.

maybe one day i will learn how to sit still probably not.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

period blood

after you have an abortion getting your period is like christmas because it means you don't have to borrow money from all your friends in order to arrange the contract killing of your unborn child this month. i told this to some chick within like seven minutes of meeting her this weekend. sometimes i am amazed i even have friends.

seriously though if you don't have a period you can't create the miracle of life inside yourself and also destroy the miracle of life inside yourself so i guess you never get to know what it feels like to be god like i do.

getting a period is also awesome because once a month you have access to so much blood that if your boss was pissing you off you could smear I WIN in blood all over your cubicle right before you get fired.

so if you are like 11 or whatever and you just got your period you probably think it sucks but later you will realize that it is cool because having a period is godly and gory at the same time what more could you want out of life. i hated getting my period when i was a little kid because the only kind of tampons around the house were these things that were like the size of my forearm OH IT IS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AGAIN, THAT TIME OF THE MONTH WHERE I GET TO CHOOSE BETWEEN FISTING MYSELF WITH A GIANT COTTON BALE OR SHOVING A COTTON BEACHTOWEL BETWEEN MY LEGS. anyway now they make tampons that are made out of like silk and pearls or something.

i am getting way off track now but i hate those stupid tampon commercials where it says how the one kind of tampon expands widthwise and the other one expands all around and it has these ladies doing like jumping jacks that are supposed to be bad widthwise tampons and these other ladies spinning around with glee and their skirts are expanding ALL THE WAY AROUND TO REPRESENT THE GOOD TAMPONS. my tampons don't even expand until i throw them in the toilet water it is like those capsules you throw in a puddle and it bursts into a dinosaur. thank you tampons for bringing me back to my childhood.

Monday, May 07, 2007

RepoSt ThiS oR nO cuTE BOyZ wilL <3 u 4 ONe YEar


uh what the fuck is that last part, i hate that part. YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE DOES NOT WORK ON ME.

anyway i do not agree and that is because i'm not a fucking idiot. i mean seriously this is the stupidest thing i have ever heard because it pretty much relies on the assumption that everybody fills up their tank daily. I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT PEOPLE DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THAT. are people that stupid that they think that if everyone fills up their car on the 13th or the 17th instead of the 15th it is going to matter? yes. people are actually that stupid. and apparently these stupid people are my myspace friends.

i used to work at a gas station i was working on 9/11 and there were lines of idiots around the block and people were beating each other in the parking lot it was awesome and the newspaper came and they interviewed me and i told them all of our customers were fucking idiots and they quoted me and then we ran out of gas and i got to have people death threaten me for the rest of the day. and then i worked the next day and nobody came in i am not even kidding the whole day ONE PERSON came in and filled up his car and i was like WOAH YOU DIDN'T FILL UP YOUR CAR YESTERDAY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FREE WORLD and he was like NO BECAUSE I'M NOT RETARDED. anyway i bet on 9/12 there were probably only like 300 gas station purchases nation wide and i guess that didn't topple the oil industry so you might as well pump all the gas you want on may 15th.

i am not going to pump gas on may 15th because i only drive my car like 10 times a year because any kind of traffic makes me suffer acute myocardial infarctions. if you really care about stupid oil or the stupid environment you should probably just not drive but don't sell your car because then whoever you sell it to is going to buy gasoline and ruin the environment instead of you. you have to smash up your car, sorry. or you can go to citgo instead because it is venezualen and the sole shareholder is hugo chavez and he hates george bush more than you do and also i'm pretty sure citgo donates gas to poor people too so they don't freeze to death, if you care about that kind of stuff.

i don't actually care about anything unless it directly effects me in the short term but i guess i am probably a humanitarian for writing this all down.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

apocalypse wow

so i was reading family circus the other day it was a drawing of the daughter coloring. the fact that i'm pretty sure you know what i'm talking about when i say family circus makes me want to not be alive anymore. anyway she was coloring and it said I'M MAKING IT PINK BECAUSE IT'S A GIRL SHEEP. i don't even know what the fuck that means but i finally figured out what i want to be when i grow up I WANT TO BE A PERSON THAT WRITES DOWN SOME STUPID SHIT SOMEONE AROUND THE HOUSE SAID, DRAWS A CIRCLE AROUND IT, AND CASHES CHECKS.

here is my first comic i am calling it MY ROOMMATE IS FUNNIER THAN YOUR FAMILY (CIRCUS).

i am not sure how i feel about the fact that i live in a country where a person can make a living writing down mundane shit their kid said. either very good or very bad. god i don't even ever know what i feel like anymore i guess somehow in the past year i have somehow graduated from jaded level 9 = dulled emotions to jaded level 10 = dead inside. or else pat roberson was right and the world ended last sunday and my soul flew up into heaven to be with god's chosen people and my body is left here all confused and shit.

Friday, May 04, 2007

yet i don't get road rage on my bike even though i am pretty sure cars are trying to run me over on purpose

i just had this thing at school and i drove there because i am an idiot and then on the way home i dropped fernando off at the mercantile exchange because i am the nicest person EVER and it took me two hours to get home from there which is like 5 miles I COULD HAVE WALKED HOME BY THEN ACTUALLY I COULD HAVE WALKED HOME TWICE I AM NOT KIDDING.

i wonder if other people get as pissed off in their cars as i do, today i seriously thought my heart was going to explode from hate. then i got a migrane. a migrane of hate. then when i'm in a car i always think about the other people in the other cars. being in a car is so strange, it's like a million people doing something alone together. usually they are all bound by hate like the third reich. probably if we could channel all of that rage it could be like a great renewable resource and we could all live in heaven. one time i almost got raped and i think it inspired slightly less rage in me than being in the car today.

i guess this is the part where i make up a theory about how people actually need to hate and if they don't have an opressive government or something to hate they will hate the guy sitting in the car next to them instead. like if some lady from darfur came here she would be like WOAH LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE ALL ANGRY FOR NO REASON I AM NEVER GOING TO BE ANGRY AGAIN AS LONG AS NOBODY RAPES MY FAMILY ANYMORE but then after like 5 rape free months she is going to be enraged to the point of tears when some retard cuts in front of her at the grocery store just like everybody else. wow i am not sure if that thought was very calming or very distressing i think i have to lie down now.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

cool people buy their bikes from the store

i am trying to get my boyfriend to show me how to fix my bike except i guess he wants me to be dependent on him for all my bike needs or something or he thinks i am incredibly stupid because he will not show me how to do it. probably he thinks i am incredibly stupid because here is the conversation that proceded him not showing me how to fix my bike.

me: show me how to fix my brakes.
him: what's wrong with your brakes.
me: i don't know they're fucked up just show me.
him: fucked up like how.
me: i don't know i was messing with them and now they are all fucked up.
him: they weren't fucked up before you messed with them?
me: no.
him: why were you messing with them?
me: i don't know you clearly have no idea who you are dealing with here.

then he somehow fixed my bike while blocking me from seeing what he was doing because he is a jerk. sorry i am not cool because i did not build my own bike. i guess i should probably get a fixed gear bike or something so i can be cool and my boyfriend will like me again. OH DO YOU LIKE MY NEW FIXED GEAR BIKE I MADE IT MYSELF IF ONLY I HAD AN ALLOVER PRINT JEREMY FISH HOODIE I COULD BE COOLER THAN YOU.

it seems like people are always talking about how they built their bikes i mean how hard could it be it isn't a fucking car.
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