Tuesday, April 10, 2007

psycho killer! qu'est que ce!

i have this friend i am going to call him hamburgler. he is 26 and a virgin. yesterday he started instant messaging me about how he is basically never going to fuck because he is too good hearted to be cynical about it like everyone else. uh i'm pretty sure the fact that i'm not delusional to the point of thinking that when someone sticks their dick in me they are communing with my essence does not make me cynical as much as it makes me NOT A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL.

anyway i started hanging out with hamburgler over the summer and then by the winter he was emailing me these emails about the degraded state of our friendship the kind of things whatever guy i am banging usually says to me during what will be our last conversation you know like why haven't you called me for six days how dare you fly to tahoe without telling me blah blah blah. anyway if i was banging the guy i would have done the whole OH MY GOD YOU WANT TO PUT A LEASH ON ME I CAN'T TAKE THIS but i wasn't banging him which made it even weirder so i decided to consult with my representative who proceded to continue the correspondence with him DEAR HAMBURGLER YOU ARE A FAT TUB OF LARD WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR PLACE IN THE SOCIAL HIERARCHY BLAH BLAH BLAH it was all very hilarious and heartbreaking.

anyway today i had the most excruciating conversation ever with hamburgler where he told me he used to have a crush on me or something and i was like I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON ME NOW. that is the part where even if it is a lie you are supposed to be like uh no of course not. but this dummy is like UMMMM... and i was like WELL YOU SHOULD STOP. then he tried to convince me that i secretly wanted to bone him or something. which was the truly excruciating part. i think something about the fact that i made some sarcastic comment about being jealous of some chick that looked like a kitchen witch one time and this other time i posted a picture on my friend's myspace of him being decapitated fatality style that said FINISH HIM!!! on it. i tried telling him that was more a product of boredom and cruelty than a manifestion of beautiful love but i don't think he believed me. too bad sabrina's myspace is private or he could have seen the valentine i made her with a picture of a guy i fucked on it that says HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME STEREOLAB CAUSES ABORTION. i guess i'm way more in love with that guy because i even wrote on that thing IN PINK. her myspace is private by the way SORRY CHARLIE.

oh hamburgler you can't face the facts. i hate people when they can't relax.
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