Sunday, April 15, 2007

is it stalking you if i like you a little is it stalking you if i write you a little

on friday i was all ready to write about how i stole a bike in new york and was too drunk to figure out how to ride it and tried to pawn it off on some bouncer while some chinese people were chasing me down the street for stealing their bike and i was like OH GOD BIG DEAL HERE'S YOUR STUPID BIKE BACK TAKE A QUAALUDE AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

but then i got distracted by hamburgler posting about my pain all over myspace because apparently i am in pain and am to confused to even know it but it's okay because i have a light inside of me that is brighter than the heavens and is going to cushion my fall and absorb my fear. which i guess was really like a prophecy because i didn't have any fear until i read that and was instilled with the fear that maybe hamburgler was going insane and might come to my house and stab me. and because sabrina is always ready to provoke danger she started emailing him things like this:

ERIN WANTS TO KNOW WHY YOU CONTINUE TO SAY SHE IS IN PAIN BECAUSE IT IS PROBABLY THE FUNNIEST THING WE HAVE EVER HEARD, BUT SHE NEVER WANTS TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN SO SHE IS MAKING ME ASK A LA 8TH GRADE--SORT OF LIKE YOUR INSANE CRUSH. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION.

so my whole weekend was pretty much consumed by this. sabrina telling him i think he's gross and him telling her i'm so confused and scared i don't even know what i think. i'm pretty sure it ended with him saying something about how he was affected to the point of physical distress over the whole thing. i guess the moral of the story is that if you pretend to be my friend so you can nurture your delusional fantasies of romance and destiny when i find out what is going on i will be so pissed that i will find it totally amusing when my friends bully you until you have a fucking meltdown. or maybe the moral of the story is that it turns out sabrina's heart isn't as cold and dead as we thought it was because while she is happy to drive a man to the brink of suicide she can't bring herself to push him over the edge. something like that. or that i shouldn't write anymore articles about stalkers for no fi because everything i write comes true. too bad learning lessons is passe because i am learning lessons like fucking crazy right now.
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