Thursday, March 08, 2007

i know that i'm going crazy

i'm trying to stay home and be good like making blackberry and sage marinade like maybe if i put on an apron i will be okay because that is what all those ladies in the fifties did and fuck it those ladies had to be faltering between sanity and madness i mean look at their fucking hair but i don't even have an apron maybe if i had an apron maybe if my hair didn't look like shit already i could smooth it out and hide behind it.

i try not to listen to myself when i talk because i talk all the time i can't shut up i'm trying to distract myself from whoever i'm with and the fact that i'm bored and i'm scared of them and they're strange and stupid and even though i know they're real i can't completely convince myself. and i don't even know what i'm saying somtems i can hear myself and it sounds like i'm speaking in tongues i have no idea what i'm even talking about and if they pretend to listen i start to hate them for it and then at the same time i'm wondering what if i cut off my own arm and made human stock with it. and then laterout of nowhere i have this vivid image of me in my edward scissorhands boots stopming on someone's throat not anyone even some faceless nobody and i think about it until i actually gag because it's so disgusting. i don't want to stomp on someone's throat until the skin splits and blood gurgles out and sight and sound are reminiscent of some fat newborn eating strained blackberries. and then i have to wonder why i can't stop thinking of blackberries. that is it always, why can't i stop thinkg about xyz. fuck.
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