Tuesday, March 13, 2007

i just want to ride my bike to work what the fuck

yesterday it was nice as hell outside actually it was nice as hell outside all weekend and i started getting all excited about riding my bike to work so yesterday on the way home i stopped at the bike shop and got a new lock because last year i broke my key off inside my lock even though it is called a kryptonite lock sometimes i become endowed with superhuman strength apparently. anyway i didn't get a new lock until now because i lost faith in the bike lock industry i guess i was waiting for them to invent a new and indestructible bike lock or something. i mean my bike is a fucking 1968 schwinn collegiate nobody is going to steal it anyway so of course i would have a bike lock incident involving me destroying my own lock. plus then i had to cut the bike lock off jessica's fence with wire cutters YOU DO NOT NEED LEX LUTHOR LIKE DETERMINATION TO BREAK A KRYPTONITE LOCK YOU JUST NEED TOOLS.

this is what my bike looks like but brown.

okay i don't know what the fuck that thing is made out of but i swear to god it weighs sixty pounds and i know i can carry a sixty pound box of books up and down three flights of stairs because nobody helped me move in here but a sixty pound bike is pretty much like trying to drag a flailing five year old child down the stairs. anyway by the time i got the thing down the stairs i was bleeding in three places and i wished i just threw it over the side of the porch. also the walkway to the alley gets smaller and smaller i thought it was like an optical illusion but no i got stuck in it. then i get on the fucking bike and it has a flat tire and there is no way i am trying to push it through that fucking walkway again so i am walking up and down the alley trying to find something to lock it to and a bum laughed at me. finally i threw it back in the yard.

then i come in the house to get a fucking air pump but can i find the fucking thing no. i just tore my room apart for twenty minutes NO AIR PUMP. WHAT THE FUCK. I AM GOING TO FUCKING RIDE A BIKE TO WORK TODAY OR DIE TRYING. the bike shop doesn't open until 10. i am going to sit here until it is fucking 10 and then i am going to the bike shop and i will probalby just buy a new bike because i hate my bike so much right now. probably i will go in there and start picking up bikes and be like I WILL TAKE THE FIRST BIKE THAT WEIGHS LESS THAN A PERSON. and that will be any bike because thanks to modern technology they no longer make bikes out of fucking solid steel. i bet if i crashed my bike into my nissan sentra the bike would win.
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