Friday, February 02, 2007

i know for real insane people

okay here is what happened i got wasted at the mutiny with dave and i left and dave is sitting there drinking whiskey and thinking about walking to arturo's to get tostadas or some shit. dave is one of those people who thinks about things until he becomes obsessed with them so then this kid we know shows up and is like DAVE! WHAT UP! and gets a drink and dave is thinking FUCK I AM ALL ABOUT WALKING TO ARTURO'S BY MYSELF RIGHT NOW. so the kid goes to the bathroom and dave gets the fuck out of the bar but of course there was a line for the bathroom and the kid sees dave leave and follows him, dave didn't know he was being followed. anyway dave ducks down the alley and starts running and then the kid catches up to him, uh pretty much dave just got caught trying to actually physically run away from someone, that is hilarious.

anyway i wake up in the morning and the kid is SLEEPING NEXT TO ME. i'm like uh what the fuck. also at this time i didn't even know he was hanging out with dave i did not find that out until later so i really had no fucking idea where this kid came from. and it is like he is never going to leave. and i guess his car had a flat tire somewhere and he wants to take my car somewhere or something. and he's like YOU ARE AWESOME THANK YOU SO MUCH. uh whatever man i just want you the fuck out of here. then he comes back with my car like two hours later and he brings me food. i'm like OKAY I'M SUPER HUNGOVER CATCH YA ON THE FLIPSIDE DUDE. then he sends me a myspace message along the lines of YOUR EYES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

so i am waiting for dave to get home from work and i am freaking out because when you wake up next to people and then they bring you breakfast and say nice things to you IT MEANS YOU FUCKED. except i did not fuck this kid. and also this kid is crazy. like my other friend lives in his building and one time i was over there and we heard him screaming so we went upstairs and he was pacing like a maniac and screaming AT HIMSELF.

oh yeah also dave's work kept calling and asking where he was and i was like UH HE'S AT WORK and they were like NO, THIS IS HIS WORK. so also at this point i am thinking dave is dead. turns out on the way to the train he decided to walk around all day instead of going in to work and not call in. and then he actually bought a walking cast to wear to work so he can tell everyone he fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospitol. sometimes i wonder if my roommate is even real or if i made him up in my head.

anyway dave enlightens me on where this kid came from because i was like DAVE I WOKE UP AND THE INSANE KID IS IN MY FUCKING ROOM. so dave tells me how he fled the mutiny but this does not explain why i woke up next to this kid. and there's a six pack of budwieser and i'm like DAVE WHERE DID THIS COME FROM WE DO NOT DRINK BUDWEISER. then dave decides he is on csi and he decodes the crime scene like I CAN TELL SOMEONE SLEPT ON THE COUCH. AND THERE IS AN EMPTY BEER AND A HALF FULL BEER. WHAT HAPPENED IS I WENT TO BED AND CRAZY KID WENT AND BOUGHT BEER, CAME BACK, DRANK 1.5 BEERS WENT TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH, AND WANDERED INTO YOUR ROOM AT SOME POINT. then the phone rang and of course it's the crazy kid so i started freaking out more and i'm like DID HE RAPE ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING? dave said no because he would have heard it for sure.

then to top it all off i get an email from my friend scott like PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY KID. and i'm like OKAY BUT WHY I HARDLY EVER SEE HIM ANYWAY. and his response is this long thing about how he's insane and maybe killed a man before? oh and scott told crazy to stay the fuck away from me and crazy thinks that is a challenge? and he likes to fuck girls and tell everyone?

so now i think did crazy tell all our friends that we fucked? because that is really fucking annoying. anyway i decided if he did i am going to have to tell everyone he raped me and he can go to jail. i should probably call him and be like LOOK. YOU ARE TELLING PEOPLE WE FUCKED. I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU A LIAR BUT I GUESS IF WE FUCKED THEN YOU RAPED ME BECAUSE I DEFINITELY DID NOT FUCK YOU WILLINGLY. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WOULD RATHER BE A LIAR OR A RAPIST BUT IF YOU DO NOT RECANT YOUR STORY YOU MIGHT HAVE TO GO TO JAIL, SORRY.

i mean clearly i am not going to report this guy for raping me because i didn't even use his name on here that is how nice i am. even though he is slandering me i am not slandering him back for some reason i guess because i have better morals than jesus.
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