Friday, February 23, 2007

listening to morrisey in public

i don't know if i'm the most charming bitch at the bar or what but i'm pretty sure i made a straight chick fall in love with me last night. i don't even know where this crazy chick came from but she was like I LOVE YOU. NO SERIOUSLY I.LOVE.YOU. and then she made me take her phone number. I GOT THE DIGITS. haha. she lives in pilsen i guess we could probably go on a platonic lesbian date to the white palace or something. even though i didn't remember her name after she told me all about her abortion she still was running around me screaming I DON'T EVEN LIKE GIRLS AND YOU ARE FABULOUS! I DON'T EVEN LIKE GIRLS! uh woah okay. then she made her friend take pictures of us. okay i am not doing a good job conveying how hilarious this was.

UH OH LIVE BLOGGING: i am talking to this guy on google chat right now and he just told me my face has character or something. UH DID I JUST GET CALLED UGLY BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HATCHET FACE SAYS. THERE'S NOTHING THE MATTER WITH MY FACE I'VE GOT CHARACTER. whatever sometimes i wish i was hatchet face.

okay i'm going to delilah's now for morrisey night aka let's get drunk and listen to the poster boy for being a pussy cry melodiously.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

she was proof against cleverness; she was proof against charm

i spent the whole day wearing a tiara around the house yesterday. then i put ten necklaces on my dog and declared her the queen of mardi gras. also i made up songs about it. the best one was called fat head tuesday because my dog has a fat head. oh my god i am so amused by myself.

i am going to sit here and bite my cuticles and stare in the mirror for the rest of the night.

that was a joke actually i am going to finish reading babylon revisited because i have a giant boner for f scott fitzgerald. if i ever met a guy who could write like that i would pretty much have to kill my damn self. good thing i probalby never will so i get to stay alive. here's to hoping i never meet anyone that interests me more than i interest myself HA.

Monday, February 19, 2007

sabrina came into town for an emergency intervention this weekend. an emergency intervention for seth. seth is some fat guy who leaves hate comments on my blog all the time about how i am fat and stupid and i probalby want him to fuck me but he won't because i am fat and stupid and also ugly and a drunken whore.

maybe if i wasn't nearly retarded i would know that fat drunken whores aren't supposed to wear stripes. oh my god i hate myself.

anyway after a long hiatus where i obviously became immensely worried i finally heard from him and i deduced from his frenzied use of LOLZ that seth was on the verge of a mental break. so sabrina decided to fly out so we could take some pictures of ourselves being fat drunken whores for me to post on my blog so we could give seth something to live for.

the odds are good that that guy behind me probably has a headache because of something i just said to him.

i dyed my hair blond this weekend because i was so hungover i ended up at target and i forgot why so i decided it was probably for hair dye. even though i am already so stupid i kind of like being hungover because it makes me even more stupid to the point where i can't follow a mr. show skit OH MY GOD THIS PROFOUND COMEDY IS BOGGLING MY ALCOHOL SATURATED BRAIN.

probably i should start doing blow because then i can lose thirty pounds and also be way smarter. or i will think i am way smarter as if i could ever be more enamored with myself than i already am.

here's some blow i didn't do. even though i am so stupid i don't remember a lot i'm pretty sure i only do giant rails and always off the prepubescent chest of emile hirsch circa the dangerous lives of alter boys years.

anyway if i do not hear from seth soon i am going to have to assume that he has suffered a britney spears-esque breakdown. i can only hope he has a friend with the sense to lock him in a room and feed him valium until he calms the fuck down. SETH WHERE ARE YOU I MISS YOU I KNOW YOU SAID YOU WON'T FUCK ME BUT IT'S OKAY I FORGIVE YOU PLEASE RESUME LEAVING ME SEVEN COMMENTS A DAY I NEED ATTENTION THAT IS WHY I HAVE A BLOG DUH.

that is me making what sabrina calls my grossly annoyed face. if i have ever made that face while you were talking to me i was probably patronizing you.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

happy vd

too bad nobody gets to see my valentines i made this year because they are all black and white pictures of people i know with self indulgent crying music lyrics on them. and then on the back they say stuff like HAPPY VALENTINES DAY I HOPE YOU DON'T TRY TO KILL YOURSELF LIKE THIS KID DID. you know. in general inappropriate.

here i don't know this kid i found him on google images.

the back should probably say something like HAPPY VDAY MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP BEING SUCH A CHEATING WHORE.

if i got a valentine like that i would probably love and cherish it forever. i was going to make abortion theme valentines this year except i couldn't find any realistic pictures of abortions on the internet. according to the internet a six week abortion looks like a miniature seven year old UH SORRY INTERNET THIS IS WHAT A SIX WEEK ABORTION LOOKS LIKE:

i think i am going to have to create the miracle of life inside msyelf so i can kill and photograph it for my valentines next year. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY I'M GLAD YOUR MOM DIDN'T ABORT YOU LIKE SHE WANTED TO.

Monday, February 12, 2007

when i was seven my friend rebecca's father died. a week later she tried to commit suicide by smashing her car throught the garage and into her neighbors' garbage cans. when we were thirteen she took me to the cemetary with her on her father's birthday. i'd never been to a mausoleum before.

at cemetaries i always imagine the dead people below me. lined up head to toe, perfectly symetrically. dressed in their finest. jewish gravestones are sometimes adorned with ceramic images of the dead. that is how i found out my great grandmother's cousin looked just like me. she died of influenza when she was ten years younger than i am now. i would look at my shoes framed by the overgrown lawn at the base of her grave and wonder what kind of shoes she was wearing as i stood, seperated from her only by grass and dirt and pine.

"are the dead people in the walls?" i interrogated rebecca as if she was years older than i, which at that moment she was. yes. the dead people were in the walls. dead people. in the greatest sterile filing cabinet known to man. my father used to clip album reviews and slip them into the sleeves of his records. i wondered what kind of data was in these files. the drawers had handles. i wondered if anyone ever opened them up to look.

after i read spoon river i started reading the obituaries and writing stories about the dead. drawing them. writing their suicide notes.

i would like to buy a card catalogue, oak with brass handles. clip obituraries and carve wooden effigies of the dead. paint them and dress them in tiny dress shirts and ties, or pearls. speculate on their last hours and write it down. file them away in a tiny mausoleum. i would like to do a lot of things that i am never going to do. maybe after i die someone will write that down for me. here lies the girl that, like all girls, wanted to do a million and a half things that she never did.

Monday, February 05, 2007

why do i keep having to yell at people

i have this friend or whatever he thinks he knows everything it's really annoying. like i think i know everything too but i don't care enough about other people for this to become annoying. this kid thinks he knows everything and he has to enlighten me about it. like did you know i wanted to have kids? i didn't either. it turns out i want to have kids. also apparently i am an idiot for quitting school because how am i ever going to drive a luxury car if i don' spend eight plus hours a day contemplating stapling my eyelids shut and writing I WIN on my cubicle with the blood from my slit wrists. it turns out i really want to drive a luxury car. WHO KNEW.

then i stopped talking to him so he started writing me emails about how i should stop destroying my own life or whatever. uh could he not figure out i like to burn myself down so that i can rise from the ashes like a glorious phoenix? so i had to write him a brilliant email that said shit like "wow thanks for elucidating the situation, sir. i was completely unaware of my tendancies and problems in my own life until you unearthed them in this luminous email." i signed off with WORD TO YOUR MOTHER because i am awesome. then he wrote me three more emails which i ignored. i seriously told this kid one day that he was irritating the shit out of me and he was like GOOD I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS and i was like YOU MAY OR MAY NOT THINK IT IS HILARIOUS WHEN I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU AS A HUMAN BEING. then we had an argument about whether or not he could successfully piss me off almost to the point of no return without me renouncing his existance. turns out i was right. HEY I HAVE A GOOD IDEA WHY DON'T WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT ABOUT HOW MUCH ARGUING WITH YOU IS ANNOYING.

this is when sabrina enlisted herself as my personal representative and all communications were directed to her from that point on. which was hilarious because it ended with him i think insinuating that the real problem is that i hate him because he isn't miserable enough or something. that was so ludacris i had to reply to it:

1. i never said it was about you listening to me. i said it was about
you irritating the shit out of me. however i guess if you listened
then when i said things like SIR YOU ARE IRRITATING THE SHIT OUT OF
ME you would like, i don't know, stop doing whatever is so annoying.
you know instead of intensifying it and being like I THOUGHT YOU
THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. uh i said it wasn't funny. so maybe this
actually is about you listening.

2. i don't really care if you hate your job or not. even though it
seems like you pretty much do hate it since you're always talking
about how you contemplate self mutilation during meetings and you want
to prop a cardboard cutout of yourself up at your desk so you can stop
showing up, but what do i know, maybe those are signs of occupational

3. i don't know why i would care if you want to apply for the phd program (for the third time) or not. this is clearly not the reason i have avoided you since october. anyway haven't you been applying to the phd program for like as long as i've known
you? good luck with that.

4. i have no idea why i would harbor resentment toward you. because your life sucks. maybe you harbor resentment towards me because i have something you don't have and unlike you i don't even want it. maybe that is why you are so confrontational. or maybe you are just an argumentative jerk. who knows.

5. i'm not miserable. my life isn't miserable. i'm sorry you think i'm miserable and that it's my own fault. maybe i come across as miserable when i'm talking to you because you constantly pursue such topics as whether i will end up childless regretful and barren at age 35. it turns out constantly defending myself to you is annoying as hell.

smell ya later,


i decided the best thing ever when you're basically writing a dear john letter is to sign off in the most irreverent way ever. so if anybody wants me to draft them a welcome to the new fuck off club letter let me know i am getting pretty good at it.

the part i left out of my email out of kindness was the part where i let this kid know that he is pretty much just some chubby dude that i let tag along with me and my friends when we went to the bar or whatever. i mean seriously dude DRAMA RAMA. please don't make me like BREAK UP with you. the moral of this story is HAVE SOME DIGNITY. the end.

Friday, February 02, 2007

i know for real insane people

okay here is what happened i got wasted at the mutiny with dave and i left and dave is sitting there drinking whiskey and thinking about walking to arturo's to get tostadas or some shit. dave is one of those people who thinks about things until he becomes obsessed with them so then this kid we know shows up and is like DAVE! WHAT UP! and gets a drink and dave is thinking FUCK I AM ALL ABOUT WALKING TO ARTURO'S BY MYSELF RIGHT NOW. so the kid goes to the bathroom and dave gets the fuck out of the bar but of course there was a line for the bathroom and the kid sees dave leave and follows him, dave didn't know he was being followed. anyway dave ducks down the alley and starts running and then the kid catches up to him, uh pretty much dave just got caught trying to actually physically run away from someone, that is hilarious.

anyway i wake up in the morning and the kid is SLEEPING NEXT TO ME. i'm like uh what the fuck. also at this time i didn't even know he was hanging out with dave i did not find that out until later so i really had no fucking idea where this kid came from. and it is like he is never going to leave. and i guess his car had a flat tire somewhere and he wants to take my car somewhere or something. and he's like YOU ARE AWESOME THANK YOU SO MUCH. uh whatever man i just want you the fuck out of here. then he comes back with my car like two hours later and he brings me food. i'm like OKAY I'M SUPER HUNGOVER CATCH YA ON THE FLIPSIDE DUDE. then he sends me a myspace message along the lines of YOUR EYES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

so i am waiting for dave to get home from work and i am freaking out because when you wake up next to people and then they bring you breakfast and say nice things to you IT MEANS YOU FUCKED. except i did not fuck this kid. and also this kid is crazy. like my other friend lives in his building and one time i was over there and we heard him screaming so we went upstairs and he was pacing like a maniac and screaming AT HIMSELF.

oh yeah also dave's work kept calling and asking where he was and i was like UH HE'S AT WORK and they were like NO, THIS IS HIS WORK. so also at this point i am thinking dave is dead. turns out on the way to the train he decided to walk around all day instead of going in to work and not call in. and then he actually bought a walking cast to wear to work so he can tell everyone he fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospitol. sometimes i wonder if my roommate is even real or if i made him up in my head.

anyway dave enlightens me on where this kid came from because i was like DAVE I WOKE UP AND THE INSANE KID IS IN MY FUCKING ROOM. so dave tells me how he fled the mutiny but this does not explain why i woke up next to this kid. and there's a six pack of budwieser and i'm like DAVE WHERE DID THIS COME FROM WE DO NOT DRINK BUDWEISER. then dave decides he is on csi and he decodes the crime scene like I CAN TELL SOMEONE SLEPT ON THE COUCH. AND THERE IS AN EMPTY BEER AND A HALF FULL BEER. WHAT HAPPENED IS I WENT TO BED AND CRAZY KID WENT AND BOUGHT BEER, CAME BACK, DRANK 1.5 BEERS WENT TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH, AND WANDERED INTO YOUR ROOM AT SOME POINT. then the phone rang and of course it's the crazy kid so i started freaking out more and i'm like DID HE RAPE ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING? dave said no because he would have heard it for sure.

then to top it all off i get an email from my friend scott like PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY KID. and i'm like OKAY BUT WHY I HARDLY EVER SEE HIM ANYWAY. and his response is this long thing about how he's insane and maybe killed a man before? oh and scott told crazy to stay the fuck away from me and crazy thinks that is a challenge? and he likes to fuck girls and tell everyone?

so now i think did crazy tell all our friends that we fucked? because that is really fucking annoying. anyway i decided if he did i am going to have to tell everyone he raped me and he can go to jail. i should probably call him and be like LOOK. YOU ARE TELLING PEOPLE WE FUCKED. I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU A LIAR BUT I GUESS IF WE FUCKED THEN YOU RAPED ME BECAUSE I DEFINITELY DID NOT FUCK YOU WILLINGLY. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WOULD RATHER BE A LIAR OR A RAPIST BUT IF YOU DO NOT RECANT YOUR STORY YOU MIGHT HAVE TO GO TO JAIL, SORRY.

i mean clearly i am not going to report this guy for raping me because i didn't even use his name on here that is how nice i am. even though he is slandering me i am not slandering him back for some reason i guess because i have better morals than jesus.
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