Friday, September 29, 2006


Thursday, September 28, 2006

because this is what normal people do

i have to move like tomorrow or something so i prepared for this by emailing craigslist apartment listings to myself like duh they are in my inbox it is practically like i live there already. i can do this though because i have absolutely no standards like are there cockroaches and the walls are falling down, eh whatever raid is probably only like a dollar ninety nine at tobaccoville. my roommate of the future cares even less than i do i think because i didn't even bring him with me when i finally looked at a place yesterday and decided to rent it because after looking for an apartment for one day i was like fuck this is annoying. i'm like uh it has walls and doors. here sign on the x. oh man. when degenerates move in together.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

why do i act like i am eleven years old around my parents i have no idea

my parents came over yesterday to make sure i was still alive since i have basically been in a fever induced state of dementia for the past two weeks and i refuse to go to the doctor. NO MOM I DO NOT NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR I AM DRINKING VINEGAR I READ IT ON THE INTERNET.

my mom brought me some gefilte fish. happy rosh hashana. is that even supposed to be two words? WHO KNOWS.

my mom was called my dad a nazi. YEAH DAD I HEARD YOU DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN THE HOLOCAUST. i said. I HEARD IT ON THE STREET. i said. while making exaggerated head nods toward my mom. hahahahah i am so fucking hilarious. way to use comic relief to break the tension of your mom calling your dad anti semitic. oh my god i turn into such a fucking comedian around my parents you would think i was the middle child or something.

then i yelled at my dad for opening his umbrella in the house. OH MY GOD BAD LUCK BAD LUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME??? my dad totally called me out on that one. oh yeah like you really care if i open my umbrella in the house. oh my god i guess it turns out my dad actually does know me after all.


i really have no idea why i do not have my own sitcom by now.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

dear person who wrote the stupidest letter ever into newsweek

yeah so did you guys know pluto is not a planet anymore? PLUTO IS NOT A PLANET ANY MORE. i think this happened about two months ago i don't know i skipped the article in newsweek because it wasn't about jonbenet ramsey or bridezillas. i read the letters people wrote about the article though because reading letters people write into magazines is one of my favorite things to do. it is like a foray into the minds of idiots. like the lady who wrote about the familiar children's verse of planets and how sure kids now won't care but for people who grew up with pluto it is engraved into their minds and is going to be hard to forget. i don't even know this so called children's verse. actually i didn't even know there were nine planets. i doubt i even know what they are. uh earth mars jupiter saturn mercury uranus venus pluto. yeah i am definitely missing one planet. or maybe two because i have no idea if venus is actually a planet. please don't make fun of me if i made that up. anyway the totally stupid part was the part where the lady was like WHEN I GREW UP THERE WERE NINE PLANETS. WHEN MY CHILDREN GROW UP THERE WILL BE EIGHT PLANETS. TO ME THIS IS RIDICULOUS! yeah it is totally ridiculous that the presentation of new information would prompt people to correct things OH MY GOD SO CRAZY.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

tell me something nice please because no one i know in real life is going to

i am sick and i just went to the grocery store and bought honey nut cheerios and also honey to put on the honey nut cheerios and soy milk because even though i did not used to listen to my mom when she said not to drink milk when you have a sinus infection it sounds like a pretty good idea now. oh yeah also i got orange juice and kleenex and shit. i have never bought kleenex before in my life and i almost had a panic attack looking at the kleenex because there are like ten thousand and seven different boxes and they are all ugly as hell. like so ugly i don't want to have to see it. i got one that looks like a morning glory farm in spain or something. by far the best looking kleenex box at jewel.

also i refuse to buy cigarettes so i am pretty much going crazy. cigarettes are so fucking expensive it is like only rich people can afford to smoke them. i'm surprised they're not a fucking status symbol or something by now. like all the girls flock to the guy at the bar that is smoking two cigarettes at once and has cigarettes behind his ears and rolled up in his shirt sleeve.

now is a good time for not smoking because it doesn't even matter how much of a giant bitch i turn into because everyone fucking hates me anyway. my favorite person in the world told me he hates me and never wants to see me again. thanks for making me cry when my fucking sinuses are already fucked. obviously i have incredibly low standards for how people can behave and still be considered my favorite people.

also i bought some tabloids at the store because i can't focus my eyes on text for some reason so i might as well look at pictures and find out who is ugly and who is not. maybe i am developing hysterical blindness. i think i should probably be medicated.

oh yeah i was lying about getting orange juice i actually got ORANGEADE. i don't even know what that is but hopefully it is better than orange juice that shit is fucking sick.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

without a care i am compassionate about killing her

look at me love me look at me love me love me love me look at me look at me lovemelovemelovemelove me i'm a good person. look at me love me i'm a good person. i recycle and shit. and when i say i i mean not i because i am talking about you. i- but not i- i care about other people. other people. abstract other people abstract people abstract people who exist only in the abstract i care. abstract i care about you abstract theoretically. how much life can i take how many jello salads can i make while i care about other people other people who barely exist within my realm i care about them i care about them while i hate you i care about them while i hate you in front of your face look at me love me i'm a good person. i care about them because nothing has ever happened to me and nothing is ever going to happen to me.

i would never say what you say i would never do what you do i would never i would never i would never. are you better than me i care about aids i care about poverty i care about i care about i tell everyone i care about i wrote a letter i wrote a letter to the government the other day i opened and read it it said they were suckers.

and i try i really do. to not treat people like absolute shit when they are in front of my face. before i try to change the world because nothing is going to change the world it's even dark in daytime it's even dark in daytime for me do you know me help me. or you know treat me like absolutely nothing cause i can take it. but don't forget to feed the hungry.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

i ate the best food of my life yesterday shrimp scampi angel hair green onions white pepper white wine garlic paprika butter heaven asparagus hazelnut butter butter butter ORANGE ZEST garlic gread parsely asiago cheese ceasar salad reisling pinot grigiot YUM FUCKING YUM.

also the whole thing was spontaneous as in hey stop at sultans market and pick me up a falafel huh and then suddenly we are on a quest across the city of chicago for cheap shrimp.

now there is food and shit all over my apartment who wants to clean it i will give you twenty dollars.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

in defense of secrets/eight things

1. i bought the book the tin drum by gunther grass pretty much because i liked how the cover looked.

i never finished reading it because it was too fucking hard.

2. at my grandfather's funeral i felt lonely for god even though i don't believe in god and i am never going to and i don't even want to.

3. you know how people yawn when other people yawn? i don't do that. and it makes me wonder if maybe i completely lack empathy or something. oh my god that would be horrible.

4. i was eating a chicken pot pie a few months ago and i don't even like chicken pot pies and i started hating myself while i was eating it and i knew i was going to throw up after i ate it but did i stop eating it no.

5. if there is any type of paper product in front of me i will rip it into little peices and roll them up into balls.

6. i pretty much have no fucking clue how to use a semi colon.

7. i know i am not a good writer because when i read things i've written i can tell what books i was probably reading at the time.

8. sometimes i am not sure what the difference between love and pity is.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

who wants to take care of me

i've had a sore throat for like four days and i finally decided to look at it in the mirror like my mom used to do. this is what a mom is for. to make you do shit you hate when you are younger like eating chicken soup and you are like uh mom what is so special about the combination of chicken and carrots and water that is supposed to magically cure disease. but then when you are older you are like I DON'T FEEL GOOD I NEED MAGICAL DISEASE CURING CHICKEN SOUP.

so i think i have strep throat or something which is completely awesome because i do not have health insurance. maybe i will die from untreated strep throat like my ballerina ancestor sadie did in 1906. i wonder if my ex boyfriend is still the benefactor of my life insurance policy he probably is because i don't remember changing it ever. too bad i never told him he stood to profit off my death because i didn't want him to kill me. yes i can be in love with a guy for seven years and still wonder if he might kill me one day.

that is the good thing about having a boyfriend. they will make you tea and shit when you are sick. except the bad thing about having a boyfriend is that they might ruin your life. so you know, weigh those pros and cons or whatever.

time to make chamomille tea and try to scrape this white shit off my tonsils with a butter knife.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

i take really good care of myself

i just ate a giant bowl of frozen peas because i pretty much ate nothing but hotdogs and fried chicken for the past three days. hotdogs on a bun chicken on a wing chicken on a leg hotdogs wrapped in bacon fried chicken skin i found stuck to my back and then ate because i eat fried chicken in my bed i live in my bed. and then suddenly i was like OH MY GOD IF I DO NOT EAT SOMETHING GREEN RIGHT NOW I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE OR ELSE ALL MY HAIR WILL START FALLING OUT OR SOMETHING.

also when i say frozen peas i am not trying to describe the type of peas i ate i am trying to describe the manner in which i prepared them. if ripping open a bag and eating peas straight out of it counts as preperation. my mom used to feed me and my brother frozen peas because it was the only way we would eat them. i wonder if my brother still eats frozen peas. i wonder if i'm the only one who never grew up and is never going to grow up.

seriously what is the point of growing up anyway if you're not going to walk to tobacoville in a little boys undershirt and sweatpants that are falling down and falling apart what is the point of growing up if you aren't going to eat frozen peas straight out of the bag. am i a trainwreck if i think the best thing about growing up is not having to do shit like pick your clothes up off the floor and eat the pot roast your mom makes you eat even though you hate it? if i wanted to put shoes on to go outside and take showers every day and use silverware and stuff i might as well be six years old again really.
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