Thursday, August 31, 2006



Tuesday, August 29, 2006

look what i made you

okay i actually didn't make that for you someone made it for me. i will probably fall in love with him now.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

these are the kinds of things i was wondering this morning

why is the ground so hard? why is there a small bottle of tangeray in my purse? was i on an airplane? i don't even know what tangeray is. seriously what even is that? OWWWW WHY IS THE GROUND SO HARD.

oh wait i remember this tangeray came from the boy i slept in a tent with. did we make plans to do blow off of scrabble tiles or did i just make that up? how did i drink so much and only have to pee like once? did i pee in the lake? EW GROSS I THINK I WAS WEARING MY UNDERWEAR IN THE LAKE. it is like i peed my pants then.

OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED I THINK I CALLED SOMEONE THREE TIMES IN ONE HOUR LAST NIGHT*. hopefully his phone is one of those ones that does not tell you exactly how many times the crazy girl who is stalking you called. did my friends leave me? i am going to have to live in the woods. i am going to become a crazy woods person. i wonder how that will work out for me. i wonder whether i will become a predator or a scavenger.

woah the boy in this tent with me is purring WHAT THE FUCK. i have never come across a purr-er before. either it is extremely rare or i'm not as slutty as everyone thinks. i better let everyone think i made out with this guy so i don't jepordize my reputation as easy extrordinnaire.

wow did i really not get bitten by any bugs? amazing. what the fuck kind of magical bug spray did jessica2 spray on me? must remember to get the details on this amazing bug spray.


*oops my bad i actually called him five times and yes he has one of those phones.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

yeah okay

i didn't even want to go out tonight but i did. because i can be easily persuaded to do anything. for example my friend johnny was talking about paying someone to kill his boss and i'm like 'hey i guess i could probably do that. i mean i probalby owe you from yelling at you at swank franks about how you were eating your hotdogs too fucking slow.' seriously though i have never seen someone eat a hotdog so slow in my entire life.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

why are old people more interesting than me

i just went out with these people who are friends with my mom who live by me. hippies. like they had a baby at home and her dad was a photographer and took pictures of the baby's screaming head ripping out of her vagina. and then i saw that picture when i was seven and it traumatized me for the whole rest of my life. HEY THANKS FOR TRAUMATIZING ME FOR LIFE, i told her.

then i heard all these crazy stories about how her and my mom infiltrated a corrupt insane asylum or something. SO MOM I HEAR IN YOUR TWENTIES YOU WERE INVOLVED IN COVERT OPERATIONS FOR YOUR JOB. what the fuck. i want to infiltrate something for my job. i am totally prepared for it. when i was little my uncle used to take me places we weren't supposed to be and we practiced walking around like we owned the place or whatever.

my uncle taught me all kinds of awesome shit when i was little. how to act like you are supposed to be somewhere you aren't and how to beat lie detector tests, that sort of things. too bad i hardly ever get to utilize these awesome skills. i think the end goal was supposed to be me single handedly overthrowing the man or something. i should write a book about all the bizzare activities me and my uncle used to engage in. EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW IN LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE WEATHERMEN i could call it.

Friday, August 18, 2006

i just talked on the phone to someone until his phone died. or until he got sick of listening to me smoke ten hundred cigarette butts and talk about how i have better morals than god and pretended his phone died. whatever. i usually hate talking on the phone. better morals than god? holy shit i am so funny.

i also talked on the phone to my mom this morning. that was probably very special for her because usually i wait until she calls me seventeen times before i call her back and when i do i'm like JESUS WHAT DO YOU WANT??? also she called me a drifter the other day so she should be extra glad i answered the phone. 'remember when i worked at the mental health clinic and i had that boss pat?' she said. 'yeah that lady was a bitch!' and my mom goes, 'SHE DIED' then we both bursted out laughing for ten minutes. woah i'm starting to think my mom might have been cool once.

then later me and my dog whored ourselves out for wciu channel 26 the u. this was definitely the awesomest thing that happened to me today. even though i am probably going to throw up when i see myself on tv in ripped up jeans and a bikini talking about how me and my cute ass dog love to watch bernie mac.

i have a paycheck sitting here with a lighter on top of it and for some reason i just had an overwhelming urge to light it on fire. this is like those times i'm driving and suddenly wonder if i should smash my car into the median for no reason. why does my brain hate me?

Thursday, August 17, 2006

one time when i was like i don't know 11 or 13 or something there was a browns chicken massacre in palatine like all these people got killed execution style. the workers. and then the killer told his girlfriend and like ten years later she told her new boyfriend about it which is totally something i would do. like hey did i ever tell you about that one time my boyfriend went out for fried chicken and came home telling me about how he just executed seven people in a walk in cooler and they never even got caught it was TOTALLY CRAZY. that was like last year. it is so great that they are now solving the crimes of my youth.

jonbenet ramsey! i am pretty glad my parents didn't name me jonbenet. some reason i had a dream about jonbenet ramsey last night something about a pedophile. weird! anyway i guess i am psychic or else it has something to do with falling asleep in a drunken stupor with the news on because i get to work today and my computer tells me that this guy who if you saw him on the street you would think hm, now there is a guy who probably likes raping little kids has confessed to accidentally having sex with and killing jonbenet ramsey. wierd. i hope i don't accidentally have sex with a little kid one day. that would be totally awkward.

so it is pretty awesome that now a whole new generation of 10 year olds will get to see this picture.

it is also pretty awesome that i can't remember if my dad wears glasses or not but the image of jonbenet ramsey is etched into my brain until the end of time.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

get yourself a fag rag

little miss sunshine. fucking hilarious. sometimes i want really bad things to happen to me where i then try to kill myself but i fuck up and then after that every single thing that happens to me is fucking hilarious.

then i could go on a roadtrip with some crazy ass family and say the most sarcastic things ever and greg kinnear calls me a loser and i don't even care because seriously i want to be dead.

also i want to be seventy years old and be like fuck yes i totally carry heroin in my fannypack i snort that shit on the daily i am fucking seventy I'M OLD!

sometimes i try to spiral my life out of control except nobody thinks this is amusing except for me DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET THAT I AM WILLING TO TURN MY WHOLE LIFE INTO PERFORMANCE ART FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT THAT IS SACRIFICE!

anyway go see little miss sunshine.

Monday, August 14, 2006

i am talking about an apocolyptic battle between good and evil here AN APOCOLYPTIC BATTLE. even in the off chance that good wins i can probably say sorry and they'll be all 'that's okay.' then we will hug. haven't you guys seen any of those movies where the good guys keep sparing the lives of the bad ones and the bad ones keep coming back and being even more bad until finally it is all resolved when they fall off a cliff because the good guys have conciences and can't bear to kill anyone even if that person is like the personification of pure evil? man i am totally going to be the last person standing on the scorched earth at the end of this battle. god will swoop down and pour gatorade on me.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

hey choosing evil increases my chances of staying alive this is a real life battle between good and evil we are talking about here the carebear stare is not going to defeat the superior weapons and dirty fighting tactics that the evil team will be employing.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

if there was ever a war between good and evil and we had to pick a side...i would pick evil.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

free to be without the worries of a quick to diss society, mr. wendall's a bum.

when i was in grade school me and my friends had like logos kind of for ourselves like to put on stupid notes we wrote each other or whatever. mine was a fictional character i made up named wendy who was like my alter ego i guess and lived in a box in the alley. a girl scout cookie box. like the big brown cardboard box all the cookies come in, not like the glossy red box that says tagalongs on it. i am trying to paint a picture for you here. also she was named after that arrested development song mr. wendall. he gives me some knowledge, i buy him some shoes. who didn't love arrested development in 1989. nobody i want to know. anyway i think it's kind of funny that even when i was nine people were predicting that i would grow up to be a derelict.

and i really might end up living in a box because i haven't found a place to live next month and by haven't found i mean haven't looked and by haven't looked i mean i am so irresponsible i can't even stand it.

i guess the vagrant streak runs deep in me because despite being overly educated and everything i still have this intense urge to eat ramen noodles and bounce rent checks and like not wear clean clothes. go 'head mr. wendall.

Friday, August 04, 2006

the only difference between me and a madman is

maybe if my fucking dad didn't take me to weegees and buy me way too much cheap booze i would be able to get to work before 11am. thanks a lot dad.

we went to weegees. my new favorite bar. the owner walked to the convenience store and bought me cigarettes.

my dad and i are going to new york in order for me to try to get a job at a publishing house. if i get one i will move to new york city. i would like to move to new york city. i would like to have a job in a publishing house. actually i would like to not have a job at all. i'm afraid if i got a job in a publishing house i would want to kill myself within a month. i'm afraid i'm never going to be able to bring myself to be responsible and an adult or whatever.

i've been having dreams about shooting people. i dreamed i shot my friend dan. he is already dead but in my dream he was alive and i shot him. it wasn't hard to do. i would really like to shoot up my work. i'm surprised more people don't go on murder sprees. i don't even really hate anyone here and i want to kill them anyway for no reason and also destroy everything in the building. it's this stupid cubicle.

i should start a cult of people who work in cubicles and want to kill everyone. the end goal of this project would be to get them to massacre their workplaces all on the same day. then i would go to jail. i could write a book in there. about how cubicle hell drove me fucking mad. then i would make a fucking bucket of money except i wouldn't be able to spend it because i would be in prision. my parents would be so embarassed if i masaccred my workplace.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

mama don't like no tattletales

i got drunk in a parking lot and watched they live this weekend. rowdy roddy piper. i came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. AND I'M OUT OF BUBBLEGUM! then one of my friends started dry heaving and we had to pour ice water on him because we are in the middle of a fucking intense heat wave here.

then i went home and threw a pack of cigarettes at the dog and chased her around the table and bit her and she hid in the window sill. maybe if there was a guy around here to chase around and bite i wouldn't have to abuse the dog. also i wouldn't have to be like celibate which TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS. i now have to masturbate forty seven times a day.
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