Friday, July 28, 2006

i like sleeping under my desk like george costanza except i read under there

i just finished the great gatsby agin. what a fucking good book. even though i don't think there's a good quality in anyone in it. they are all fucking delusional. daisy buchannon, i want to shoot her in the face. what a complete waste of space. that's okay. we are all pretty much a waste of space anyway. the first time i read this book when i was 13 or whatever i think i felt sorry for daisy. fucking bitch. rich people, man. i wish i was still in that creative writing class where my professor told me my protaganist wasn't likable enough, i would be like UH MAYBE YOU FORGOT TO READ THAT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL BY F SCOTT FITZGERALD. LIKABLE CHARACTERS ARE TOTALLY OVERRATED.

oh my god this book is so good i don't believe i read it for school. i think it was the same year i read the scarlet letter aka the same year i learned that reading is not fun. okay reading is totally fun but i'm surprised i ever did it again after that awful book.

time to go on and read interviews of authors i like and click on the authors they reference and make a list of the next twenty books i'm going to read.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

i don't want to go to jail

yes i do.

i do not think i was meant to be alive. i want to go to jail.

seriously. like a minimum security one. i will have a little room and jessica will make art for me and i will hang it up with e z tack. maybe they will even let me have a laptop in there. i will walk around outside and go to the library. if they have an art room i can make drawings in there and unlike at my house prison will probalby have those nice soft stabillo pencils i like so much. and i could definitely write a book or three or ten because i what else do i have to do. and they feed you for free there.

seriously this sounds fine. i'm going to go research what kind of crimes you have to do to get sent to minimum security prision now.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

little boxes on the hillside

i stayed up all night on sunday. i saw a seventy year old security guard ride past on his bike like seven times. he was wearing an orange reflector vest and i think it was his first time ever riding a bike. the suburbs are pretty bizzare but like in a subdued way. maybe i should watch blue velvet again. maybe i should read bullet park again.

on monday i went to a funeral in the ugliest church i have ever seen in my life. my uncle used to take me to churches when i was little. i don't believe in god. we went to look architecture. stained glass. this church had stained glass. i bet it was made in a factory. a stained glass factory where they make windows and hangings with pictures of azaleas and canaries and frank lloyd wright-esque colored blocks and jesus in a crown of thorns rolling his eyes. this church looked like a gym. everything was white and i think the whole place might have been made out of plastic. fischer price. this church is going to get old and become a relic and there will be newer and uglier churches and people will say why don't they make beautiful churches anymore like that fischer price one? thank god i will be dead by then.

in the suburbs i think everyone i see might be a repressed murderer.

Friday, July 21, 2006

on demand is the shizz

i watched six episodes of weeds yesterday. straight. in a blanket fort. eating cold lasagna.

weeds is the best show ever in the universe of all time. OF ALL TIME.

seriously it is so fucking hilarious. SO HILARIOUS.

i even like the fucking song about all the houses all made out of ticky tacky and they all look the same.

i totally want to be mary louise parker on that show even though i don't want to have any kids or live in the suburbs ever.

i am like amazed by how good this show is. so fucking good. I THINK THIS SHOW IS BETTER THAN READING. yeah i said it.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

people are so fucking stupid

i used to predict the future with scantron tests. assigning events to different combinations of letters. staring at the giant leap between an a followed by an e (all of the above) and thinking about the class filling up with water. swimming through the class. desks bobbing up and down.

i got called into the school counselors office. she slid a test across the desk. what is the meaning of this? an essay test. i was eight. i remember taking that test. i was bored. a blank sheet of paper. yellow. with lines. no patters to look for. i wrote my answers in capital letters. straight and angular. next sentence. cursive. slanted to the left. slanted to the right. uppercase. lowercase. small as i can. round letters.

i think the counselor thought i was insane. what is the meaning of this? uh. i don't know. and they called my mom and she had to explain to them that i was not crazy.

what is wrong with people?

i am six years old

my parents are in CA right now so i am chilling in a blanket fort at my parents house doing crossword puzzles and eating golden mushroom soup.


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

what i did on my summer vacation

the highlight of my weekend was listening to a family sing 'every breath you take' or whatever that song is called at karaoke in a barn. but the puff daddy version.

in other news i got a drivers liscence and some insurance finally so now i can drive around without feeling like a fugitive on the run or whatever. i look kind of stupid but mostly okay in the picture which is pretty amazing since it was three hundred degrees outside that day.

pigeon john is really validating my lifestyle. eating chili out of a can with no shirt showing my ribs? uh marry me please.

i stole a 20 pound bag of dog food and an iced tea from jewel yesterday.

i have to go to the currency exchange now. i should write a song about being 26 and stealing dogfood from jewel and going to the currency exchange and making bargains for cigarettes.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

i am the false character that follows the name around

i took the train to work because my key broke off in my bike lock and i had to cut it off with bolt cutters and now i have no bike lock. so i came into work late on purpose so i wouldn't have to get on the trian with thirteen thousand suit and gym shoes wearing people like the kind of people who actually go to work on time.

anyway i sit down next to this guy on the platform waiting for the train and he asked me like how long i think it takes to get to jackson and i told him 15 minutes and he said 'don't tell me that!' anyway then i got out my book and he asked me what i was reading and i showed it to him and he said if i like don delillo i should read underworld.

THIS GUY WAS ACTUALLY CUTE AS HELL. i also look cute as hell today because my hair is so dirty i can put it wherever i want and it will pretty much stay there. actually i don't know if he was talking to me because i am so fucking cute or if he was talking to me because i sat down next to him on the ground. TWO CUTE AS HELL PEOPLE WITH AN AFFINITY FOR DON DELILLO AND SITTING ON DIRTY SURFACES. why did i not give this guy my number?

probably the only thing better than this would be like if i was rummaging through a dumpster and my hand touched some dude's hand that was rummaging through the same dumpster and we looked at each other and immediately started fucking in the dumpster. and the dumpster was full of books.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

chet riley (is my boyfriend)

comment posted on the myspace page of candlebox upon their request of the friendship of yammertime, the alter ego of my esteemed friend chet riley, alias sir chandler tiles:

7/11/2006 1:05 AM

i hated your music back when i was like 5 years old, and face it u dont see many street savy radio listen'in mutha fuckin RuFF nex who are 5 years old, so when i got your friend request i was more than excited to know that you guys are still crankin out the same radio friendly crap that you were when dressin like hobos in shit stained flannels, shooting dope in a gutter outside your mansion while getting bjs from a hooker who looks like a hot ass older woman in the shadows but is really in fact a transexual whos proably infested wit da HIV and listening to garbage on the radio such as u when silver chair was proably the coolest thing.

thanx for the awful songs and thanx for the friend request, i always got yo backs out here if you wanna play at a high school graduation, school dance, bowling alley, gentlemans club, steak houses, or just on the street. i could probably get you a gig with my main man Now and Then, even though we r like fuckin best friends he still wont accept my friend request.

My plan is this, i wanna fly you guys out here via small private jet, or hover craft of some sort(similar 2 the ones in Tron, minus the virtual reality animation and what not), but Now and Then will b here via satelitte/ large screen TV, kind of like Bono at the awards, he's gonna call the shots, he's gonna c just how high u boys r willing 2 take it, the venue is gonna b the local Park distrect facility, and u guys r gonna battle it out, until there is one left standing, the crowd will decide it in a frenzied fashion, similar to kinda of like a gladitor event, more recent though, think Mad Max 3, Thunderdome type shit, but instead of chain saws, shanks, hammers, dog whistles and the lovely Tina Turner, there will be raging guitars, doped out singing, about as much pizza, sodas, and italians beefs that u can handle, and your nearly extinct fan based so give a fax.

Monday, July 10, 2006

comedy and tragedy

this picture is like those comedy tragedy masks. hilarious.

that is what you will do when you meet thain. laugh now cry later.


Sunday, July 09, 2006

i do not have fleas

jessica thinks i gave her fleas. i do not have fleas anymore.


also when i had them i slept in other people's beds and shit and nobody ever got them. magic fleas that bite me only.

i never had chicken pox. maybe that is what i had when i thought i had fleas.

just kidding i am immune to chicken pox. i know because my mom tried to induce them in my by making me hang out with all the poxed kids. i guess if you ever had chicken pox my immune system is more evolved than yours.

this is boring.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

i actually wrote something good today but then i lost it. fucking blogger.

i got so drunk yesterday that i went into an alley to pee even though i was at a bar that had a bathroom because i am a drunkard with a prediliction for peeing in alleys i guess and then my phone rang and i started walking and like three minutes later i was like I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I AM COME GET MEEEEEEEE!

also i was wearing a cape. and i had a fucking patriotic ribbon tied around my head. like the way drunk businessmen tie their ties around their head. i guess. even though i've never seen anyone do that.

in other news my landlord accosted me while i was carrying my bike downstairs yesterday and asked me when i was getting rid of my dog. thank you for talking to me for ten minutes while i'm precariously balancing a forty pound bike on my shoulder. on stairs. also did you not get the memo that i'm not getting rid of my dog? the one about how i have rights and shit? THE ONE WHERE I FUCKING DID RESEARCH AND CITED COURT CASES? don't tread on me.

also today i noticed that my roommate took the timer when she moved out. which she said was a replacement for my timer that she melted. i guess that was a lie. my fucking awesome timer that looked like an orange. OH MY GOD MY TIMER IS A CLOCKWORK ORANGE SO FUCKING AWESOME! NOT JUST A TIMER BUT A STATEMENT ON HUMAN NATURE! i am sure i got so much fucking joy during whatever drunken moment i had that little epiphany.

i am going to continue to wear my cape all week. also i am going to continue getting so drunk that i have twenty minute conversations with people about how i hate their friends. it is really a good thing that i AM me because if i wasn't i do not think i would enjoy being around me.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

and i knew this was going to happen because it's happened before

i remember when i remember i remember when i lost my mind.

when i heard that song for the first time and i realized that dead dan was never going to hear it. i mean i don't know if he even would have liked it. but it really doesn't matter it matters that he is never going to hear it and that is what being dead is.

being in the past. dan. i'm passing you. and that's what death is. i hope you enjoy your incarnation as an antecdote.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

and then the movie could be called 'thain.'

yesterday i met a guy named thane. oh i'm sorry THAIN. like train. he wanted me to come over and drink vodka at his house in the middle of nowhere. I HAVE AIR CONDITIONING he said. yeah okay.

and because i am obsessed with being murdered recently i decided maybe this guy wasn't actually stupid and when i got over there he was going to torture me and i would be screaming but nobody would hear it because they would all be drunk and yelling and shit and then like three hours later someone would be like where the fuck did erin go? and they would go over to thain's house and find me strapped to a table with my intenstines hanging out of me and also there would be dead bodies of all these other girls. like 15 year old girls who hang out barefoot at gas stations and will totally go back to some weird guy's house in the middle of nowhere because he bought them beer. or prositutes.

i wasn't actually thinking of this at the time i just thought of it just now while i was in the shower. yes these are the kinds of things i think about while i am in the shower. because this is totally a horror movie premise. forty five year old guy lives in a house in the middle of nowhere and then a bunch of kids move in on the same property and he hangs out with them, acts mildly retarded, they make fun of him constantly, he acts oblivious while building up an immense amount of contempt and rage, then one day he tortures and kills all of them and burns the whole place down.

and the best part is i guess in reality they really are tearing down these houses and putting up condos or some shit. so there's the sequel. attractive young newlyweds buy first home built on the land where masssacre took place, haunted by thain.
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