Thursday, March 30, 2006

so funny i forgot to laugh

actually my best friend is not a blog. as i found out two days ago when i found her waiting for me on the corner holding a giant bag of greek pastries. but seriously. my best friend is a blog? that shit is hilarious! when inspiration strickes, man.

also hilarious was that thing i wrote about being on fire and being like whatever i'm to apathetic to do anything about this right now. HILARIOUS! even if nobody commented and told me it was hilarious i don't need external validation because i completely fucking amuse myself.

that's a lie. i cried for a week when nobody noticed my DOUBLE REFERENCE to del tha funkee homosapien in that blog i wrote about mandy and being pretty or whatever. it's not my fault i listen to better music than anybody in the universe.

it's not a lie that i totally fucking amuse myself. i was talking to this kid the other day about kmfdm and how it doesn't stand for kill mother fucking depache mode and i was like man fuck kmfdm i am going to make a band and it is going to be called kmfkmfdm KILL MOTHER FUCKING KILL MOTHER FUCKING DEPACHE MODE! that is not funny but i have been laughing about it for three days.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

my best friend is a blog

having a blog for a best friend is the wave of the future.

yes my best friend is a blog.

i just found out my best blog is going to brazil. distance aint nothing but a number when your best friend is a blog. my best blog is with me always.

sometimes my best blog visits my blog and leaves me comments like UM I THINK YOU FORGOT THE APOSTROPHE IN AIN'T. and then i am like UH THAT WAS INTENTIONAL I CAN NOT GET BEHIND APOSTROPHIZING AINT. AI NOT? THAT SHIT MAKES NO SENSE!

see even when my best blog doesn't leave comments i can imagine them and then i can imagine my replies to them IT'S LIKE I'M LIVING IN THE FUTURE. the future where i will never be lonely because i can pretend like i'm two people and argue with myself. that is what all the sane people do.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

oh my god i'm so boring i could just die

i have ugly hair and i'm getting it cut today and i don't really care what oliver does to it i guess whatever he wants is cool. that's the dude's name that's cutting my hair. oliver. last time i had a dude cut my hair i was like 8 and his name was tom and my friend jenny was like OH MY GOD YOU HAVE YOUR HAIR CUT BY A GUY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM and then she said something about does he put a bow in your pussy hair or something. pssh come on jenny everybody knows eight year olds do not have pussy hair. that is what i would have said if i was as cool when i was eight as i am right now. probably what i said in reality was NUH UH! and then tom died of aids TRUE STORY. anyway my hair is probalby going to look all fucked up and then i'll have to go to walgreens and get bobby pins and like pomade and shit so i can try to look like a normal person until it grows back. also i have a camera now so i can show you a picture of it later. except when this guy gave me this camera he was all asking me if it had the right cord or something and i'm like uh yeah there was a cord i think and now hell if i know what i did with the fucking cord so i might not be able to show it to you. if you ask me it is a miracle that i'm still alive given how fucking irresponsible i am. it's a good thing i've never caught on fire because i would probalby be like whatever i'll stop drop and roll later like maybe tomorrow or something.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

i love you

i just fed my dog a double quarter pounder with cheese.

i'm going to write something really good on here tomorrow.

i forget. either something really good. or really bad.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

this birth control is making me mental

this birth control has i think way too much estrogen in it because it is making me totally mental i don't think my body produces estrogen naturally or something and that is why i have no emotions maybe and also no tits.

one time in seventh grade this guy asked me out on the bus and i said no and he was like FINE YOU FLAT BITCH. this is when i learned tits are not important because guys will still ask you out and they don't care how flat you are until you say no and then they are like WHATEVER SHE HAS NO TITS ANYWAY.

i found a shoebox full of cards and one of them had fifty dollars in it. things i can buy with fifty dollars: 1 bottle of black cherry and vanilla effen vodka 2 liters of sprite 2 packs of cigarettes. also i found a picture of a live skeleton dog that luke drew and it made me want to cry probably because i am mental due to unfamiliar estrogen coursing through my veins next i am probably going to start watching grey's anatomy with a box of tissues and wanting to have a baby or something. when can i get back on my low dose birth control HOPEFULLY BEFORE I TURN INTO THAT BITCH KATHY FROM THE COMICS.

also my skin looks so bad that i do not want to leave the house except for some bizzare reason i get really excited to see my friends and i'm like dude look how fucking sick this is i'm ugly now. pretty soon i won't even need birth control because nobody will want to fuck me but then when i get off it and i'm all sane and cute looking i will get pregnant and my life will be ruined BEING A GIRL IS SO HARD.

time to go wash my face and look in the mirror and tell myself i know that i am beautiful. and cry.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

blah blah blah

i saw my friend scott this weekend that i met in the dorm actually i met him on the elevator i think and he was like HEY YOU WANNA GO PULL BONGS and i was like um YES because it was like the first week of school and everyone was lame. i am awesome and also it took me six years to finish college. then in like 1999 scott's house burned down because he left a candle burning and i lived next door and my friends came and woke me up like OH MY GOD SCOTT'S HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN CALL 911 and i was like fuck off i am not falling for this shit. but actually the house WAS burning down and scott was like NO i did NOT leave a candle burning and then like three years later he was like huh huh huh i totally burned down my own house with a candle do you guys believe it and we were like DUH RETARD EVERYONE KNEW THAT LIKE THREE YEARS AGO.

then i got a ride with this other guy i went to college with and he made chicken and potatos and bacon at like four in the morning and we watched super old star trek and i slept on the couch. also this other kid was there that i used to be roommates with and he was wearing a pink scarf and i probably should have asked him if he remembered how we secretly hated each other and pretended not to except he probably would have been like i never hated you and then i could have been like huh. because i am one of idiots that is pretty sure everyone hates them and then like acts all shy and people are like WHAT A BITCH! also this kid was like all wanting to hang out with my uncle because my uncle is a photographer and also famous and a genius. plus insane.

people are shocked that i don't smoke weed anymore because i used to be THAT GIRL. uh, mila jovovich in dazed and confused. that used to be me sitting on some guys bed smoking weed and watching the warriors for nineteen hours every day. and not talking except for smart ass comments every hour and forty five. maybe i should start smoking weed again except i'm pretty sure it would give me a panic attack because i am high strung.

Friday, March 17, 2006

small tits are fucking cute

one time i got a camera and jessica was all I GIVE IT ONE MONTH BEFORE YOUR TITS ARE ALL OVER THE WORLD WIDE WEB. ha fucking ha jessica it's been like one year.

my tits are way bigger than that now. in other news i am now fat as hell.

okay fine the part about my tits being big is a fucking lie but i am fat now for real. duh everybody knows that fat girls love to show their tits.

i will probably erase this before my brother sees it.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

i don't really have anything to say

maybe i'll put some topless pics on here tomorrow.

Friday, March 10, 2006

she's only six says mama i don't like my nose

mandy mandy when will those clouds all disappear?

she has beautiful eyes tell her she has beautiful eyes. you never noticed because she looks down always.

she has beautiful hair tell her she has beautiful hair it is shiny and straight and it is always going to be shiny and straight because it is that kind of wispy hair like babies have and when she wakes up it is one big tangle like a baby's and is so totally adorable. if she had hair like mine, thick and disobedient she would cut long bangs and hide behind them. i am certain of this.

my best friend and i used to slather ourselves with hawiaan tropics and lay out on her roof drinking diet cokes when we were 13. we would lay on our stomachs and untie our bikinis so we wouldn't get a line. like anyone was going to see us topless. we would spray sun in in our hair and deny it. for some reason it was important for people to think we had bright yellow hair growing out of our heads. that was the year i decided i was fat even though i was always the skinniest girl in the room.

some girls are never happy. maybe most girls. i cried when i hit 100 pounds.

in high school my fattest friend weighed 120 pounds. i called her large and in charge and i thought it was fucking hilarious. mandy still remembers being told her hands weren't feminine enough. large and in charge could probalby reverberate through a girl's psyche forever. now she is in a band and wears dresses and eats raisins for dinner.

you sit in your room because you know you are ugly you know it you know it because strange men on the street don't tell you you are beautiful because you sit in your room.

no nose job.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

who the fuck says 'cut the mustard'?

i actually have a pretty good grasp of the english language. WHO KNEW.

Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100%

Spelling: 100%

Vocabulary: 100%

Punctuation: 80%


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

what the fuck is wrong with me

today i almost started crying on the train for no reason.

even though i ate a vienna beef hot dog for breakfast this morning.

even though i am now the proud owner of the best lip balm ever.

even though they played l a symphony on 98.7 this morning.

even though two days ago i was eating crab legs and drinking a screwdriver out of a glass as big as a goldfish bowl and one day ago i was watching the sopranos and getting fucked and one hour ago i was walking into work an hour late wearing jeans and my life is fucking perfect.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

i went to the gynecologist today or yesterday or something. remember last time i went? and the lady fingered me dry? and then i learned what it felt like to get raped or whatever?

yeah so i totally got fucked this morning. awesome i was pretty much hoping the gynecolgist was going to be like woah when was the last time you had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE and i would be like oh i don't know probably like an hour and twenty four minutes ago. she didn't say anything though. what the fuuuck.

then i had lunch with a vietnamese genius and discussed like meta analysis or something. obviously when you put the word meta in front of something you are a fucking genius. this guy wants to be my advisor like he's applying for the job of my dead advisor and the best part was when he was like i'm not half the psychometrician that your dead advisor was and i'm like yeah duh so anyway and then he fell down the stairs. i hope he gets the job.

before lunch he gave a lecture and i almost started crying during it because i was like oh my god this guy is not a nam no way and then i realized nam was 30 once and giving a lecture in front of a bunch of students like me i wonder if they recognized greatness in him and yeah so i almost started crying. and then later i walked past his lab and it says like 'nam's lab' or some shit on there and i was like oh my god if this guy gets the job that shit is going to be all 'le's lab.' and then i almost started crying for the second time. i like how i don't cry when my relatives die but then i am like an emotional wreck for months when my advisor dies BECAUSE HE WAS SMART. if you're not an academic i can't explain this shit to you. it is devestating. sometimes i have a dream that i am in heaven guess who is there a bunch of fucking psychometricians oh my god i am such a fucking geek and guess what is always playing in heaven, paul simon. AND WHEN THE RADICAL PREIST COME AND GET ME RELEASED WE WAS ALL ON THE COVER OF NEWSWEEK. fuck yes.

then i went to class for six hours oh man that shit was fucking stupid. thank god we get to watch the office in class next week. and not the fucking stupid as hell american version. because my fucking professor for that class is all depressed or something and we are like OH MY GOD CAN WE WATCH THE OFFICE IN CLASS and she is like ok. except she's welsh so when she says okay it sounds fucking cute as hell.

of course i'm drunk right now because what the fuck else do you do after school besides get completely trashed? thank god more alcohol is on the way i am on my way to drunken blackouts goodnight.
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