Tuesday, February 28, 2006

why aren't there any songs about wisconsin?

wisconsin should be off the map. yeah i said it. we are going to keep milwaukee though. why? I'M NOT TELLING. okay. we are not keeping madison i don't even care. it's like madison looks pretty great in the middle of wisconsin but put it in a normal state and suddenly it's just another town with an urban outfitters in it. if you like urban outfitters you will probably fucking love it when i sell you my fourth grade soccer jersey for forty five dollars.

seriously this is completely retarded.

seriously. wisconsin dells. every year fat suburbinites with fanny packs make a fucking hajj to wisconsin dells because they can't afford disney land. wisconsin dells is full of a bunch of shit like circus museums and vehicles that can travel ON LAND AND WATER. this is exciting for poor people. wisconsin dells you are off the map.

as much as i like cheese or whatever wisconsin has got to go. before we secede it to the iriquois or whatever we should probably fill it up with other shit i don't like.

anne geddes. fucking stupid babies dressed like pumpkins that shit is so totally gay i can't believe it and i bet that lady is richer than god. anne geddes you and your stupid fat flower babies are OFF THE MAP!

this is art why?

also those ducks you can dress up for different seasons like oh look fucking april showers and that duck is wearing a slicker FUCKING GAG ME WITH A SPOON. wood paneling. when i was in fifth grade i spent an entire day wallpapering my walls with newspapers and it looked way fucking classier than wood paneling THAT SHIT IS OUT OF HERE. people who have marvin the martian on their checkbook, you paid extra money for that and that may not be punishable by law but you are fucking tragic. linenkugel. i would rather quench my thirst with the cum of a thousand cocks than ever drink a linenkugel again.

wood paneling AND leinenkugel. i'm having the opposite of an orgasm right now.

john edwards. not the ex vp candidate of the luxurious tresses the fucking crossing over guy. john edwards you are a fucking douchebag. i will gladly visit wisconsin if it means i will be afforded the chance to push you off a cliff. gwen stefani. you are fucking thirty six years old wearing a cheerleading costume talking about your shit being bananas and you sould like a fucking retarded baby and now you are reproducing and i guarantee you are going to name your kid some dumb ass shit. if you die while your baby is coming out of you i am going to laugh HAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAH go to wisconsin and die, thanks. also people who say git er done i don't even care if you think you are being ironic (etro) I DON'T WANT TO SHARE MY COUNTRY WITH YOU. also scrunchies, people who wear scrunchies and also kelly clarkson. and plaid. and combovers. goodbye cruel world.

Monday, February 27, 2006

god loves a terrier

even though i was hungover to death i had to wake up early on saturday and go to the dog show. the fucking dog show! CUTE OVERLOAD. i bet if i went to enough dog shows i could turn into one of those cute obsessed people that have pictures of kittens on their checkbooks or something like even though i could give a shit about a teddy bear i was practically having strokes over these people walking around carrying pomeranians. OH MY GOD THAT DOG LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING TEDDY BEAR MY HEART IS GOING TO EXPLODE!

also at the dog show i went insane. i was tired and rachel was tired and et was tired and we made vodka and mcdonalds lemondade. WHO THE FUCK BRINGS HER FLASK TO THE DOG SHOW. me. then i fell asleep in a chair and i had to drink coffee. coffee makes me go insane and yell things really loudly like OH MY GOD THAT LADY LOOKS LIKE JOAN RIVERS. you know what is not cute? dog show judges and handlers. all the judges are five hundred years old and are wearing silver shoes and dresses with sequins and shit on them. if i knew a dog show judge i would totally get her a bedazzler for christmas and she would FUCKING LOVE IT.

also it is a rule that the handlers have to dress like menonites on crack. someone should tell this lady that even the ugliest coat in the universe is not distracting me from her white socks.

you know how sometimes life is kind of like a movie but not as awesome and hilarious well going to a dog show is just like a movie. BEST IN SHOW BUT TEN TIMES MORE HILARIOUS SO YOU CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.

i'm going to get tons of hits from people googling 'menonites on crack' now.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

school is making me crazy

i had to facilitate two classes today don't ask me what that is it's retarded. i prepared for this by waiting until wendnesday at 5pm to look at the articles and then at like 10 deciding i hate school and fleeing the apartment. then i woke up early and came home because i am responsible. then i ate a bag of conversation hearts and read blogs for two hours. then i drew my eyebrows on with eyeliner because i decided if i actually had visible eyebrows maybe people would be more receptive to my facilitation or whatever. also if no one wanted to answer my stellar discussion questions a good ice breaker could be 'so i drew my eyebrows on this morning don't they look awesome?' too bad i am the awesomest facilitator in the universe. now i have to drink beer.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

this is what i do at work all day

mandy: there is probably something in de­vel­op­ment or already made that makes periods stop
the pad and tampon companies are lobbying against it

me: fuck the pad and tampon com­pan­ies. i'm suprised pad companies are even still in business who the fuck uses pads?

mandy: tampons are probably one of the top 5 greatest in­ven­tions ever

me: i know. i should write an ode to tampons.

mandy: seriously
i always meant to but yours would be better

me: we could col­lab­or­ate.

mandy: i have nothing to say except- padz rool
i mean drool

me: ponz rule
padz drool

mandy: yes
ponz rule padz drool
there you go
my con­tri­bu­tion

me: that's awesome. i wish that retard had been like "EW SIS, PADZ DROOL!"
mandy: that would have been awesome if that little retard girl said that when her sister busted out her ketchup soaked mattress sized pad
'sanitary napkin'

me: yeah. exactly. we should recreate that video. do you want to be the retard or should i? and then whoever is the retard can be like 'miette, do you have periods?'

me: miette will never have a period that lucky bitch.

mandy: could you imagine like, an elephant period
what the fuck is that like


mandy: do they make elephant tampons, for GIANT VAGINAS

me: ew the tampon would be like four feet.

mandy: i never really thought about the fact that tons of other mammals have periods

me: do whales get periods?
does it just float out into the sea or what???

mandy: they must
do sharks get hungry when they smell whale period blood

me: so if i get sea water in my mouth there might be whale period blood in it.

mandy: man these questions i have never thought about!

me: next time i am swimming in the ocean with someone i am going to push their head un­der­wa­ter and be like THERE IS WHALE PERIOD BLOOD IN THE WATER.

Monday, February 20, 2006

purple heart love veteran

one time i broke this guy's heart for no reason. probably the best guy in the universe. here's a picture of him like four months after we broke up.

because i still made him hang out with me all the time even though he was in love with me and i was banging some other guy.

he says he can't talk to me anymore and he says he can't talk to me ever again. i broke my own heart too.

that was hard and all i did was trivialize things by talking about how stupid it had all been when it actually hadn't been stupid at all because i guess i wanted to cover it up with words that i completely destroyed someone for pretty much no reason or because i wanted to be someone else for a little while or because i wanted to be someone else forever or because i wanted to be someone else other then whoever i was when i was seventeen but he didn't want to be someone else with me.

last night i dreamed i got on an elevator and he was on it. probably i will never run into him on an elevator. hopefully one day he will want to be my friend. i guess not today and not tomorrow.

when we first broke up he lost like forty pounds because he couldn't eat and he couldn't sleep. if he ever wants to talk to me again i hope he calls me. if he ever needs a kidney i hope he calls me because i will give it to him. when he falls in love with someone else if she ever needs a kidney i hope he calls me because i will give it to her too. it is the least that i could do.

luke we will never be together again but if you ever need me to bail you out of jail i will. i would probably even kill someone for you if you asked me to. please don't hate me.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

we like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit

if you like someone i don't know if you should show up at their door at 4pm like I'M BACK AND I'M DRUNK. and then fall asleep on their couch but then when they fall asleep be like WAKE UP WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING. and make them drive you around to find your car because you forgot where you parked it.

i'm totally on my way to this.

someone will probably do an intervention on me soon.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

poor people food

i am poor and poor people eat food out of cans. like spam. i will never eat spam no matter how poor i get because there is a difference between being poor and being a spam eater. spam eating is a state of mind. also i know i will not be poor forever because i had braces when i was little. people whose parents spent thousands of dollars for them to have straight teeth go on to accomlish great things in life. that is not a lie. unlike crooked teeth people aka everyone who didn't have braces who ususally ends up the produce manager at jewel or something. sometimes i meet people who didn't have braces (this hardly ever happens because duh i'm upper middle class) and when i find out i am like TEN YEARS FROM NOW YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE IN MILWAUKEE AND WORK IN A BREWERY. usually i find out because they are bragging about how they didn't need braces because their teeth are straight. um no your parents just told you that because they were poor. there is a difference between straight teeth and perfect teeth. and i am always striving toward perfection.

basically people with perfect teeth that cost ten thousand dollars or whatever don't use them to chew on spam. i can make fucking delicious poor people food. i should write a book on food for poor people but everyone knows poor people don't buy books because they can't read. haha that was a joke. of course poor people can read. this is america where the streets are paved with milk and honey. today i ate some fucking chickpeas from a can and some fucking tomatoes from a can and some garlic and some olive oil and some fucking parsely that shit was GOOD AS HELL. until i accidentally poured an entire bottle of parmesan cheese in there and then i ended up eating chickpea cheese and garlic paste which was kind of like eating hummus on a spoon OH MY GOD ACCIDENTAL HOMEMADE PARMESAN HUMMUS I AM A FUCKING CULINARY WIZARD. i guess it's like virgin hummus because the chickpeas weren't smashed SOBER HUMMUS.

i just talked on the phone to like four of my friends and i have determined that all across chicago people are drinking alone in their apartments because it is FUCKING COLD. then i talked on the phone to sabrina and i'm sure she was probably lying on a chaise lounge wearing fucking sunglasses and drinking a margarita during that time. fucking bitch. my plan for tonight is to throw rocks at people's heads but i'll wrap notes around the rocks so when they regain consciousness they will get a message from me saying 'your shirt is ugly' and then they will start crying.

if you are poor you should call me on the phone and entertain me and i will give you poor people food recipes.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

i love you more than i love cigarettes. not.

i am running out of cigarettes. who wants to come and bring me cigarettes? you can have a pbr and i can have a cigarette. i will wear my zebra slippers and we can sit on the porch and i can listen to the rain and you can listen to me smoke a cigarette. i smoke very loudly. smoking cigarettes is so satisfying. they make me smarter when i study. i am sure they make me more intriguiging when i am alone and strangers are watching me stare at the smoke as it rolls off the end. and puffs of smoke can punctuate and italicize your words when you are angry and you smoke dramatically. this from the girl that hates commas. cigarette smoke death comma i love you. a cigarette after you've been swimming in the agean sea and you're cold and warm all at once and you can feel the sun drying beads of water all over your body a cigarette then is delicious and it tastes oddly american like barbecue for some reason. if i don't have a lighter i will light my next cigarette off the one still burning that i haven't finished yet. i am young. do all little kids pretend to smoke cigarettes in the winter while they watch their breath come out like a fireball and chill and disintegrate? i always had a pencil in my mouth when i was little. still i bite my nails. cigarettes i love you. who wants to come and bring me cigarettes? i am running out of cigarettes.

i am going to have a mental breakdown in the bursar's office.

dear fucking stupid annoying school that i go to:

i am the smartest person you know and any other institute of higher learning would be throwing money at me to go there but i enrolled with you for some god forsaken reason and i'm okay with the fact that by the time i have my phd i will be six figures in debt but i want my fucking refund check. i want my fucking refund check right fucking now. i am so fucking on to you. i know my student loan is in an offshore account garnering ridiculous amounts of interest so that fucking lew collins can sit on top of a giant pile of money and commision rehm koolhaus to build more retarded orange forty eight billion dollar buildings. that shit is not cool. fucking stupid annoying school that i go to if you were a person i would papercut you to death with a thousand dissertations. when my credit card statement comes i bury it in my backyard because i think that if i don't look at it i don't owe money i know that is retarded but that is what i do because the semester is one quarter over and i am about to resort to sucking strange dick on the corner so i can get my cellphone turned back on and i tell everyone i am a deadbeat but i am not a deadbeat i am a fucking scholar so PAY ME MY FUCKING MONEY IT IS NOT EVEN A GIFT THAT I SHOULD BE ALL GRATEFUL FOR IT IS A LOAN THAT I WILL BE PAYING BACK FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE SO JUST FUCKING GIVE IT TO ME!!!

with love always,

erin mastermind

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

happy vd

one time there was a vd party and i met mandy there. she was wearing a white skirt and she had fuzzy valentines and i lost mine because i was stumbling around drinking vox out of the bottle. my valentines had pictures of vd on them. i am obviously the coolest person you know. this year i made buttons. mandy says this girl kristen made the buttons which is weird because i totally remember spending seven million dollars at kinko's trying to resize pictures of trichomonas discharge and freaking out and punching the computer and stealing a bunch of red paper and thinking IF I DO NOT GET TO MAKE THESE BUTTONS I AM GOING TO SLIT MY WRISTS WITH A THOUSAND KINKO'S PAPERCUTS.

valentines day is all about girls slitting their wrists. when i was fifteen i almost slit my wrists on valentines day because this guy was waiting for me outside the locker room and he gave me flowers and i shoved them in the bottom of my backpack and they died and my best friend almost slit her wrists beause nobody was waiting outside the locker room to fucking mortify her. valentines day is about being mortified or being even more mortified that you were not sufficiently mortified, i guess.

my valentines said i love you on them. that was a lie i don't love everyone that got one. valentines day is all about lying and being mortified and girls slitting their wrists. see you tomorrow.


Thursday, February 09, 2006

oh look it's haiku friday!

white walls blue blanket
is it blue? they're all the same
matress on the floor

and there is a crate
look for it. it's always there
somewhere in the room.

what else is in there
typewritter record player
the same different things

i've seen this before
this or something like it
over and over

what i want to know:
why the fuck are all their rooms
exactly the same

yeah i totally watch general hospitol five days a week now pay me my $75.

i'm doing a focus group about soap operas tomorrow. GENERAL HOSPITOL! so i watched it today like for research because i am all about being the best general hospitol panel member i can be. i am totally going to be like OMG DO YOU GUYS BELIEVE THEY GOT A NEW CARLY WTF! and then some twenty two year old divorcee with a perm is going to be like I KNOW WTF! and then i am going to discuss how soap opera sex scenes are totally gay. seriously. dag i wish my camera wasn't broken i totally want to take a picture of my fellow general hospitol panel members i bet there's going to be a lot of elastic waist jeans. never before have i been instructed to dress business casual for a focus group. probably because they don't want me to show up with baby food all over my wolverines sweatshirt or whatever. and i get paid $75 to do this this is going to be the best shit ever.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

on masturbation, for tony pierce

tony wants me to write about masturbation, duh. and when tony wants you to write about something you write about it. so.

i started masturbating when i was in like first grade. me and my friend mackenzie were pole dancing in her basement and i was like WOAH THAT FEELS AWESOME and she was like haha you're sick. then she told all the boys i was a slut. whatever mackenzie that shit is natural. i had a swingset in my yard and i used to climb up the sides of it and like grind on it or whatever. usually while i was thinking about this boy that was one year older than me and how i wanted to dig a hole and throw him in it and keep him as my slave and feed him string cheese. a five year old totally getting off on a swingset all high up in the air thinking about kiddie dominatrix type shit. that is not something you see every day. my neighbors were probalby all up on the phone like uh hey erin's mom your dirty little daughter is jilling off in the backyard again. good thing my parents were all progressive and didn't want to like restrict me or whatever. i think i thought it was my little secret like i invented masturbation and none of the suckers on the block had any idea what i was doing. good times.

also one time i was at the zoo looking at some boring ass exhibit and i totally masurbated against the bars at the zoo. still whenever i am bored out of my mind i think about sex. in a meeting. in class. on the train. while i'm watching laguna beach. last year i was in a meeting for like two hours and it was so incredibly boring and i had been thinking about sex for like an hour and i was almost crazy and i totally got myself off. being a girl is great because you can do it all discreet. unlike the retarded kid that used to come into the gas station and look at the magazines and stroke his cock right in front of me and then we would make eye contact and he would pretend he was reading maps.

then i heard like 56% of girls masturbate and like 97% of guys or something. forget about 'i promise i won't come in your mouth' THAT is the biggest lie in the universe. everybody masturbates i don't care. everyone reading this masturbates. nobody just wants to admit it because they are repressed and especially if they are girls they think girls are not supposed to do that and they think ew gross a clit that is dirty and gross. my friend found her little sisters vibrator and was like OH MY GOD SICK and i was like 'what i have one' and she was like EW SHUT UP!!! i bet my friend has really bad sex.

i learned how to read before i was three and i blame all of this on the fact that my mom left 'our bodies ourselves' laying around where i could get my hands on it.

Monday, February 06, 2006

comment me i'm serious.

jessica says valentines day is all about sex and getting dogged. i thought it was about blacking out and contracting vd.


mandy thinks vd day is about guacamole and mix tapes. fucking every day should be about guacamole and mix tapes. songs from the eighties pertaining to sex and getting dogged, and also vd. that is what i want on my mix tape. even though i don't know any songs about vd. does anybody know any songs about vd??? this is not a rhetorical question. comment me.

i want when doves cry on there. et says 'are you serious?' uh hell yes i am serious. are YOU serious et that you like liz phair? i also want oingo boingo up on that shit. 'i love little girls.' oh yes.

tell me what to put on there. me and mandy want to know. AJAX I'M TALKING TO YOU.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

follow me down

your boss is a fucking alcoholic lives with his ex because he can't afford alimony members only jacket wearing drunk at work and never knows what's going on fucking idiot and it's cold outside and getting dark at three and it's snowing snowing snowing it's never going to stop snowing and you put on your headphones and pull your hood over them and you squeeze a choke chain over the dog's big beautiful fawn colored head and you can't get the door to shut behind you it barely fits in the frame and you're tired and just want to die. the snowflakes are like spiders except they get stuck in your eyelashes and melt down your face and make you feel like you are crying which you kind of feel like and and you hit play. sometimes some people want to hold you down just because they know you're made for bigger and better things. sometimes some people want to hold me down LARRY GATES. and the dog wants to run he is zig zagging across you and he looks back at you like please. this is the most beautiful dog on the planet and you tell him you're made for bigger and better things. and he tells you i know. hit repeat and walk faster it's not as cold as it seems and the faster you walk soon the volume is all the way up and you're running and you run through the lagoon and drop the leash and throw yourself into a snowbank and the dog jumps on top of you and bites your arm and starts thrashing it around and you are laughing and shreiking PLEASE DON'T PULL MY ARM OFF and thank god nobody is around because you are a stark raving lunatic rolling in the snow with a dog like it's 1986. and you get up and there's snow in your shirt but it feels okay because you're running now and you push the dog into the snow and the dog pushes you into the snow and you scream at the dog and run faster until you run up your steps and you're standing on the porch trying to breathe and you love that dog.

2001 - 2006. i've had hoodies longer.

Friday, February 03, 2006

cnn.com thinks i am boring

my content has always been flat. my comments have decreased because i stopped posting pictures because i was boning a guy in a strangers front yard in the suburbs and a gatorade propel bottle full of vodka and cranberry juice spilled all over my camera and then five months later i was trashed and felt that it was absolutely necessary to take a picture of something so i tried to fix it with steam and i dropped it into boiling water and now it doesn't work even more and probably never will work again.

my content is flat because i don't know what to write. i write things in notepad that i never post and then i kill them because i'm scared somebody will find them and read them. and then they will want to cross the street and walk faster and pretend they are totally absorbed in the sidewalk when they see me coming.

my content is flat because i'm not. i write good when i'm bored and boring and sad and it's cold outside and i have to wrap blankets around myself and nobody loves me and i'm eating ramen noodles and i want to d i e. it's cold and i'm drunk all the time but i'm not in an apartment on the south side oscillating between complete self loathing and manic narcisism. why am i the best person alive i hate msyelf and want to die.

kurt vonnegut said that you should write for one person. when you open the window and make love to the world your story catches a cold. or something. he is writing for his sister. she is dead. i don't know who i'm writing this for but i know who i'm not writing this for and who i'm not writing this for is who is reading it. who i'm not writing this for is people i know in the real world of reality who don't like the way i write.

what the fuck do you want to read about tell me and i'll write it.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

don't you want me to tell you

i was reading magazines today and i decided people should pay me to write magazines. then i remembered i already decided that like a year ago. remember when i wanted to write a magazine called honesty magazine? and it was going to have articles in there about how your makeup doesn't look good and your friends hate your stupid voicemails you leave them? and then i did? and then it died? i am going to start doing that again.

also where the fuck did all my comments go? because i definitely got a comment from raymi on that post and i was all ASKDHGLAK;DG!!KA;HGDL! FAMOUS INTERNET CELEBRITIES THINK I AM FUNNY! good thing my memory is like a fucking card catalouge or that precious trip down memory bliss would be lost forever in haloscan hell.

here's an honesty magazine memo to myself: you are not fooling anyone when your shoes are plastic and the paint starts to wear off and you color them with a sharpie. everyone knows your shoes are cheap get some new shoes you impoverished bitch.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

oh i'll light this fucking office up with guns fire and napalm

day in. day out. it seems like there's no way out. i'll pull my 12 gague out and let off 28 rounds and watch the bullets spreading out killing my associates my boss is gonna get it now and find out what postal is.

say it louis logic.

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