Tuesday, December 19, 2006

i am teaching you life lessons here

i know that i am a good kisser. i know this because one time i kissed a friend and right after she said WOW YOU'RE A REALLY GOOD KISSER. this is the same friend who has spoken such truths to me as WOW YOU'RE GETTING SUPER FAT and WOW YOU HAVE SUCH UGLY HAIR YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SHAVE YOUR ENTIRE HEAD AND WEAR A WIG. so i know she meant it. if anyone i've kissed is reading this you can feel free to confirm or deny.

i am cracking up here because hello i'm being photographed making out with a girl i've knows since i was ten. cracking up while kissing a girl = not a good look for me.

anyway it has recently come to my attention that there are guys existing in their mid twenties who do not know how to kiss. i mean i feel kind of ludicrous for even typing that because what is there to even know. i have been doing it since i was eight and i have never really changed it up. maybe i was precocious. in case any 12 year olds come to this blog by searching HOW TO KISS or GUYS WHO CAN NOT KISS (AM I ONE OF THEM?) i will tell you what there is to even know. if you are kissing a girl and she wonders why you are trying to swallow her whole head you do not know how to kiss. if you are kissing a girl and you latch on to her tongue and suck on it for 20 minutes until she screams because you are ripping her tongue out of her head you do not know how to kiss. that example was scary and not only because of the possiblity of face dismemberment but also because the guy was like THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD. surviving a near fatal car wreck only to lose your life when a man rips your tongue out with his teeth and blood is spurting out of your mouth while he yells "YOU LIKE THAT DON'T YOU? YOU DIRTY BITCH!" is a terrifying thing to have to think about WHILE YOU ARE MAKING OUT WITH A GUY. also when i said that thing about erotic asphyxiation i was talking about a guy choking me, not like blacking out from a guy sucking all the AIR out of my NOSE. you would think that by the age of TWENTY FIVE TO FORTY FIVE people could figure these things out.

anyway the moral of the story is i told your boyfriend he's a bad kisser so you can thank me when you don't die of lack of oxygen and or boredom, you're welcome.
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