Wednesday, December 27, 2006

fast times in tahoe

i just booked a flight to tahoe for new years because i like to do things like spend the rent money on trains planes and automobiles so i can be a fucking superstar and suffer alcohol poisining in the mountains during the last moments of 2006.

sabrina the great and i are going to be drunker than keith richards and lindsay lohan in t minus one day on a snowboarding resort in a big ass room with free triple x movies pbr and energy drinks.

you can start being jealous now.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

and now the drunkest pictures of myself i could find

i am so fucking bored on christmas eve.

i can't decide if i should stay here or drive to oak park and make my brother drink heavily with me while we make fun of people's myspace profiles or something. i should probably put up a myspace bulletin like IF ANYONE IS IN CHICAGO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY COME OVER I HAVE THREE BOTTLES OF VODKA IN MY FRIDGE. WE CAN LISTEN TO DAVID BOWIE AND MY DOGS ARE BEING CUTE. too bad myspace bulletins are gay and i am gay and the only one online probably because i should be at the bar OH MY GOD WHY AM I SUCH AN ALCOHOLIC?

i am clearly extremely drunk here. and you can not see it but i'm wearing some kind of fucking atrocious ball gown and drinking a forty on my roof.

hm what am i getting for christmas. i am guessing maybe a sweater. i do not think i have worn a sweater since i was nine. is my phone charged yet? i just talked on it until it died. because i am fucking bored.

i don't believe i am putting this picture on the world wide web this is me in barcelona an hour before some dude broke down the door to the hostel and tried to rape me. also some old dude tried to solicit me that night because he thought i was a whore and i look terrible because it was like 102 degrees and i was drinking all day long.

okay i want to tell you all about the bad bad things and awesome awesome things i have been doing since wednesday but i can't because my one friend opened pandora's box and searched for my blog that i told him i didn't want him to read and now i can't tell you about how WE WENT OUT FOR HIS BIRTHDAY AND HIS BEST FRIEND CHARGED ALL THESE DRINKS ON HIS TAB AND HE FREAKED OUT SO WE LEFT AND HE FREAKED OUT MORE AND PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL AND ENDED UP TEXTING HIM FEAR 4 YOUR LIFE FROM THE PADDY WAGON. oops sorry pandora you are not supposed to be reading this anyway and at least i didn't name you. actually that is the censored version if you can believe it.

i actually don't look that bad here considering five minutes after this picture was taken i was being carried out of the place. i do however look fat as hell.

okay time to drive to oak park i think i want to drive so i can listen to that one fucking frank black song on repeat for half an hour i would do that here but i think it would drive my argentinian neighboor downstairs batshit insane and he is already all alone on christmas. i should tell him to come over but i would probably fuck him and i've already filled my quota for the month. haha just kidding i'm celibate. and a virgin.

happy christmas.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

i am teaching you life lessons here

i know that i am a good kisser. i know this because one time i kissed a friend and right after she said WOW YOU'RE A REALLY GOOD KISSER. this is the same friend who has spoken such truths to me as WOW YOU'RE GETTING SUPER FAT and WOW YOU HAVE SUCH UGLY HAIR YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SHAVE YOUR ENTIRE HEAD AND WEAR A WIG. so i know she meant it. if anyone i've kissed is reading this you can feel free to confirm or deny.

i am cracking up here because hello i'm being photographed making out with a girl i've knows since i was ten. cracking up while kissing a girl = not a good look for me.

anyway it has recently come to my attention that there are guys existing in their mid twenties who do not know how to kiss. i mean i feel kind of ludicrous for even typing that because what is there to even know. i have been doing it since i was eight and i have never really changed it up. maybe i was precocious. in case any 12 year olds come to this blog by searching HOW TO KISS or GUYS WHO CAN NOT KISS (AM I ONE OF THEM?) i will tell you what there is to even know. if you are kissing a girl and she wonders why you are trying to swallow her whole head you do not know how to kiss. if you are kissing a girl and you latch on to her tongue and suck on it for 20 minutes until she screams because you are ripping her tongue out of her head you do not know how to kiss. that example was scary and not only because of the possiblity of face dismemberment but also because the guy was like THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD. surviving a near fatal car wreck only to lose your life when a man rips your tongue out with his teeth and blood is spurting out of your mouth while he yells "YOU LIKE THAT DON'T YOU? YOU DIRTY BITCH!" is a terrifying thing to have to think about WHILE YOU ARE MAKING OUT WITH A GUY. also when i said that thing about erotic asphyxiation i was talking about a guy choking me, not like blacking out from a guy sucking all the AIR out of my NOSE. you would think that by the age of TWENTY FIVE TO FORTY FIVE people could figure these things out.

anyway the moral of the story is i told your boyfriend he's a bad kisser so you can thank me when you don't die of lack of oxygen and or boredom, you're welcome.

Monday, December 18, 2006

yes i have a fog machine in my apartment

because my dear friend scott felt that my birthday would be better with A FOG MACHINE A PROJECTOR SOME LIGHTS GIANT SPEAKERS AND A MICROPHONE. and all this shit is still here along with a fifth of a keg and four bottles of vodka and some whiskey. which is why i am drinking miller light out of a red cup in knee socks surrounded by fog right now. 3PM DANCE PARTY FUCK YEAH.

IT'S NOT A PARTY UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES A DOG. and then you find the dog running down western avenue eating garbage. IT'S NOT A PARTY UNTIL YOU GET A CHILD DRUNK AND STATUTORILY RAPE HIM IN THE ALLEY WHILE THE DOG EATS GARBAGE. and then in the morning you have to tell him HEY DON'T TELL YOUR MOM HOW YOU GOT THOSE CIGARETTE BURNS, OKAY? hahahahah i s&m-ed a 17 year old in front of forty people. oh my god i am so classy.

i am putting up a picture of an extremely intoxicated sabrina and me. in lieu of a picture of me and my youthful conquest. because i don't want to go to jail.

oh wait i'm celibate just kidding i probalby imagined that.

oh yeah also word on the street is people are saying it was THE BEST PARTY THEY HAD EVER BEEN TO. this is probably a testemant to how awesome i am. i also recieved emails today from people telling me they think they had a crush on me on saturday. BOYS AND GIRLS. yes i am the most charming person in america.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


My mother was a social scientist. My entire life is a series of experiments. For example, Gender Roles as a Function of Gender Specific Toys, and Seven: The Age of Reason? My brother was more often than not a member of the control group, which meant that he did not embark on the tour of wakes and funerals with my mother and me during The Great Longitudinal Study of Death and Dying

"Mom," I said. I was playing with blocks. red and blue. I held the red block up to my pursed lips. "Mom. Are you going to die?" I was five. She looked at me.
"Yes," She said, "But not for a long time." I rubbed the block against my mouth.
"Mom." I said as I reached for the blue. "Mom. Am I going to die?" She pulled the thermometer from the pot roast, holding it up to the light. "Yes. But not for a very long time." Satisfied, I closed my eyes.

"Erin, wake up." It was early. My brother was still asleep, arms flung above his head. My eyelashes grazed my pillow. "Erin," The morning of my first wake. "Erin." My mother pulled a dress over my head, a gray dress with red buttons, a hand me down. Brushed my hair, hard. We ate breakfast quietly. A bagel with Merkt's cheese and a bowl of honey nut cheerios. I sat in the back seat chewing my hair. My sleeves. The front seat was unsafe. The front seat held nothing but a pane of glass between me and the outisde world.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


i had a picture of a really awesome mutant baby laying in a pile of blood and sinew that i was going to put up here like I AM SO AWESOME THAT WHEN I WAS BORN MANY YEARS AGO TODAY I EXPLODED MY MOM'S VAGINA WITH AWESOMENESS! is that something you really want to see on this glorious day i am not sure check one for yes two for no.
exploded vaginas are something i want to see when i come here
no free polls

yes. many years ago today i was born mere months after my dad stole my mom from her husband. woah my dad is also a homewrecking cunt shark now i know where i got my pure bitch genius gene THANKS DAD. THANKS GOD.

it's true. pete doherty and i have something in common other than the fact that we both enjoy shooting our own blood at reporters out of dirty needles. pete doherty and i also share a timeline for my, and i'm sure also his, goal to join the twenty seven club.

i plan to go out with a bang AND a wimper when jeremy sisto chokes me to death while fucking.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

in case you like to read really bad writing

you should know that dave eggers wrote another book. i am not going to read it but i am going to tell you how bad it is because i am better at knowing what is bad then the pulitzer prize nominations commitee apparently and i don't even have to read it to know.

this looks like my fourth grade social studies book.

dave eggers new book is not going to be decent because dave eggers is a shitty writer. first of all i'm already confused about what the fuck this book even is. i mean it says it's the autobiography of valentino achak deng except i thought an autobiography was a book you wrote about yourself and as far as i can tell valentino achak deng is a real person and he is not dave eggers. also it is a fictionalized. plus apparently eggers 'took a risk by displacing deng's voice with his own highly stylized writing.' uh i don't think that is called taking a risk i think that is called not being able to write with any voice besides your own aka NOT BEING A GOOD WRITER. i'm pretty sure if i survived a 1000 mile exodus during africa's longest civil war i would not want to sit down and tell dave eggers my story so he could rewrite it with his own 'highly stylized writing.' dave eggers highly stylized writing = woah this sounds like something i would have written when i was a 14 year old whiny bitch except pretend i had a really great vocabulary. see i can say something nice about dave eggers he really does have a great vocabulary and somtimes he puts together a really good sentence. like when i was reading a heartbreaking work of the worst novel of all time there was one part where i had to stop reading so i could stare at this one sentence and think about how it might have been the most beautiful sentence ever written. too bad later when i got to the part with the mtv interview for the real world i had to rip the fucking book in half because it turned into the official worst book of all time.

jesus what is wrong with me apparently i am still one hundred percent pissed off about how bad that stupid book was and i read it like a year ago. who knew such venom was still boiling beneath the surface. probalby i should channel all of this rage into pursuing a phd in literature so i can write papers about how dave eggers sucks all day long and get paid for it.

Monday, December 11, 2006

the battle of the disfigured







i spent the entire day vomiting brian peppers all over myspace because i'm productive. please direct all hatemail towards my muse sabrina c.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

i'd hit it.

this is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.

i have a type and this is it. except pretend he has a needle sticking out of his arm. this pretty much looks exactly like the great true love of my life that i probably should have married because both our ideas of a grade A good time was sitting on the ground at meig's field and watching airplanes take off.

anyway i actually would not hit that because i am celibate now, it's true.

oh god paul denton i would totally give up celibacy for you if you weren't a raging homo.

it is really sad when you have to give up fucking because you can't even fuck a guy these days without him trying to make you his girlfriend. DUDE WE CAN FUCK EACH OTHER AND ALSO OTHER PEOPLE THIS SHOULD BE YOUR DREAM COME TRUE. fucking feminists had to ruin men THANKS A LOT ELIZABETH CADY STANTON. i mean i like voting but not as much as i would like it if it had never become okay for dudes to have feelings.

seriously even sean batemen fell in love with lauren who was in love with victor who was in love with himself and that other girl was in love with sean and then she killed herself because he wouldn't look at her and paul denton the fucking most gorgeous guy on the planet is in love with sean and somehow NOBODY is in love with him except for me and i'm not even in the movie and this is what life is like.

this is a real person named ian something paul denton is a fictional character.

i like how i get crushes on fictional characters instead of the actors that play them this probalby says something deep and profound about me.

Friday, December 08, 2006

the world's gone mad

i have this friend i don't even like. i have never had a friend i did not like before and i am blaming myspace. here is how myspace ruins your life. 1. you meet an annoying person and stupidly accept their myspace friend request. 2. your retarded friends leave comments like SEE YOU AT THE MUTINY AT 11PM THAT IS WESTERN AND FULLERTON RIGHT? 11PM!!! 3. annoying person shows up everywhere you are at AS IF BY MAGIC. 4. your friends start to refer to annoying person as ERIN'S ANNOYING FRIEND because obviously he is your friend he is everywhere you are and you now have a friend you do not like by default. 5. annoying person further forces himself into your life by striking up myspace friendships with everyone you know. 6. you are horrified when you elude him for the night only to have him show up where you are at WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND. did you really bring him here??? BETRAYAL!!! 7. someone comes to pick you up and asks you why annoying person is sitting in his car two doors down from your house. 8. annoying person posts personal ad on craigslist in which he mentions what a bitch you are for never calling him back. 9. i don't even know what nine is. 9. you kill him?

only myspace could foster a friendship between me and a person so irritating that i finally had to tell him LOOK. IF YOU DO NOT STOP TALKING I AM GOING TO TAKE MY SHOE OFF AND STAB YOU IN THE EYE.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

please don't

i just read this thing about how when you fuck a girl you should ask 'may i enter you' while looking deeply into her eyes.

uh yeah if anyone ever did this to me i think i would vomit all over their head.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

i'm swayze

i just spent twenty minutes trying to get a method man cd to play by licking it and wiping it on my ass before i figured out all i had to do was blow in the cd player nintendo cartridge style WHO KNEW. i am testing my thesis that method man has the sexiest voice in the universe. OH GOD. and i am not a girl that cares what someone's voice sounds like i mean practically everyone i've ever dated sounds like some kind of fucking cartoon character. anyway method man. shit that is a fucking sexy voice. especially when he says shit like DRINKING 90 PROOF UH VODKA NO OJ NO STRAW. that sounds like foreplay to me no matter who is saying it. i should bring someone home tonight and make him fuck me while we listen to method man and drink vodka out of the bottle. yeah i'm pretty sure i'm never going to have a boyfriend again.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

my apartment is magic

it is like 20 degrees outside and still we do not have the heat on because our apartment is MAGICAL i am not even wearing sweaters or anything actually i am walking around the house in green shorts and a wifebeater and our gas bill was $11 also four people can take showers in a row and there is hot water for everyone and our refrigerator is so cold that food lasts forever. if you are wondering why four people would be taking showers at my apartment it is because i am running a youth hostel here. there is snow all over our skylights and the trees and everything and i am pretending i live in a CHALET.

you know how in the little princess she becomes like basically an urchin and she has to be all creative and like pretend her situation is improved in order to keep from hanging herself from the rafters or whatever? i do that too except i am like thirty years old practically and also not getting my ears boxed on the regular by my bitch headmistress at boarding school. also when i was younger instead of pretending i was a princess or whatever i used to imagine i lived in a sewer and had no parents or that me and chris folk were the only un brainwashed humans in a police state of evil cyborgs and were subjected to daily torture. i am going to pretend that this was like a byproduct of middle class suburban angst and not because i was a completely fucking bizzare child.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

i just told my roommate i stole one of his beers and he said 'that's illegal.' okay that doesn't actually sound that funny but he has great delivery you are just going to have to take my word for it.

also most nights when i go to bed he tells me to sleep on my stomach. and when i had the flu he asked me if i was dope sick. okay none of these things translate well to blogdom SORRY.

okay he is pacing back and forth singing david bowie songs right now. this is the part where you feel jealous of me for having the awesomest roommate known to man.

Friday, December 01, 2006

sometimes i wonder if i should even be allowed to make decisions

if you break up with someone and send them this and they actually think it is hilarious does that mean you probably never should have broken up with them in the first place?

i think it might.
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