Tuesday, November 28, 2006

yes i stole a car on friday

okay i hung out with sabrina this weekend yes she is awesome in person except her tits are EVEN BIGGER! that is the main difference. also she can actually drink as much as she says she can and i apparently can drink as much as she says she can also AND STEAL A CAR DURING A DRUNKEN BLACKOUT! no you are not going to get details because like jimmy breslin says i don't want to go to jail. however i think the car belonged to a person named ron bey who writes BAD BAD POETRY. here is an example of something ron bay thinks sounds good. WEST NILE IN DENIAL OF TOXIC RAIN.

also i drunkenly drove her to the airport at 4am and sent her home with a pin for her little sister that says ASK ME ABOUT THE CHIHUAHUA RACES. in conclusion i am a good host and a drunk the end.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

whoops cocaine!

i just went to buy a pack of cigarettes with change and when i opened my change thing there was a bag of yayo in there. (i'm a wannabe coke head so i misspell llello as yayo HEY YO!)this is what cocaine does to your brain. turns you fucking retarded like me so don't do it. okay!

because on wednesday i was out for my beautiful friend jenny's birthday and some old hispanic man walks up to me and says 'you look bored' and presses a bag into my hand and i'm like uh, what? and then he walks away and i walk into the bathroom and blow it up my nose. i like how my friends and i can walk into one stall together and blantantly do blow and we don't think anybody should care. IS THIS DATE RAPE POWDER? I DON'T KNOW MAYBE? IT SMELLS LIKE COKE THOUGH. HEY I THINK IT'S OKAY. and then we all do a line and walk out like everyone is supposed to think we were just changing our tampons together or something.

the most exciting part of me having it was that it was free so i got to walk around all night asking my friends if i was god and also when i went home i put it in this tiny little monkey jar i have that looks like a coke! monkey! because it's eyes are all geeked looking. this is how i know i will never be a drug addict beucause i can have a monkey full of drugs sitting on my dresser for a week and forget i have it. there is a clever joke in there somewhere about a monkey on my back versus a monkey on my dresser.

anyway my new thing to do is like sporadically doing bumps while drinking heavily i think this works to let me not have any idea how fucking drunk i am because i feel ALERT. for example saturday i was clearly trashed because i forgot everything that happened. like apparently i fell in love with a fifteen year old. also i think he was gay. actually i totally remember that but i don't remember a single thing that either one of us said to each other and i also thought he was like 20 but then i stalked him down on myspace and found out NO HE IS FIFTEEN I AM GOING TO JAIL. it's okay though i made up a new rule. IT'S NOT CHEATING IF IT'S NOT LEGAL. that is a good rule for when it is okay to cheat on your boyfriend. other good rules include IT'S NOT CHEATING IF IT'S NOT NEW DICK and IT'S NOT CHEATING IF IT'S WEDNESDAY. i mean i'm still going to jail but at least i haven't broken the rules of cheating.

hm. other things i forgot on saturday. oh i forgot punching some guy in the head. it is always good when your friend is like 'i liked when you punched that guy in the head' and you're like 'uh what?' HEY PERSON WHOSE HOUSE IT WAS DO YOU LIKE HOW I TURNED YOUR HOUSE INTO A BORDELLO OF VIOLENCE ILLEGAL DRUGS AND STATUTORY RAPE?

i should probably start doing drugs all the time they are like a real catalyst for totally bizzare behavior and now that i am losing my youthful beauty i am going to have to get eccentric quick or god will strike me down for being boring.

Sunday, November 19, 2006


at least one of them is. i don't think he liked my last blog post.

i was good to you. you flaked. the end.

you know who 11.19.06 - 4:23 pm #

i wonder if i can use my superior powers of deductive reasoning to figure out which one it was. i mean i flake on like everyone so that really does not narrow it down. it was probably someone who i'm pretty sure did not think i was funny at all.

oh god IT'S THE ONE WHO LISTENS TO ENTIRELY TOO MUCH DRUM N BASS. haha. oh man this is embarassing. for a minute i thought maybe it was another one but then i realized he would never identify himself as YOU KNOW WHO. oh fuck. what if it was that one though. i will have to go through all my archives and erase all declarations of our beautiful true love and our beautiful true fucking in the alley drinking sizzurp.


i know it's not THE ONE WHO I THOUGHT WAS ON THE VERGE OF MENTAL COLLAPSE because he's into like syntax and capitalization and shit.

i think tomorrow i am going to write reasons to break up with me. if i was dating me i would defintely break up with myself because i'm pretty sure it would be the worst thing ever. either that or it would be fucking awesome. oh wait that's what love is, right? when you can't decide whether you want to crawl inside the person for all of eternity or stab them to death with a serving fork? replace crawl inside for all eternity with spoon his heart out and eat it because he is so cute and that is me. either way someone ends up dead.

Friday, November 17, 2006


breaking up with someone is so fucking annoying i think that the best way to do it is start talking to them less and then at some point they are gone by magic. except then sometimes they are like FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS YOU HAVE ONLY ANSWERED THE PHONE ONCE FOR EVERY THREE TIMES I HAVE CALLED YOU. that is when you have to tell them you are breaking up with them but you can make it like that is why. WOAH YOU ARE COUNTING THE NUMBER OF TIMES I DO AND DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE PUT A FUCKING LEASH ON ME WHY DON'T YOU I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE THIS. you can't tell a person the real reason you are breaking up with them because it is probably something like BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB. that is why people say things like WE'VE GROWN APART. except you can't say that to someone you've only known for like one month so then they are like what the fuck can you please explain this to me? okay i am never going to ask someone to explain to me why they are breaking up with me because if they are like the people from my scientific poll the reason is something like this:

because i'm bored
because it's easier to break up than start punching you
because you are not abig enough challenge to cheat on
because you can't keep your dick hard
because you vomited while drinking and acted like a girl about it
because you have cats/must be fag
because you want me to sleep with only you
because you got fat
because you do not spank me enough and call me a dirty whore
because i could make you cry
because you tricked me into meeting parents
because you want to close blinds while fucking when window faces brick wall
because the gap in your teeth makes me think of eddie muphy
because you are on meonyou.com
because you cannot quote single Biggie lyric
because you got scurvy
because i don't want to fuck you with a strap on
because i oftentimes have fantasies of dying of cancer when i am in your presence

sign me up to find out i'm getting broken up with because i listen to shitty music and am boring to fuck. NO THANKS.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

blogger beta fucking sucks

i accidentally switched my blog to blogger beta at like 4am when i was drunk I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT BLOGGER BETA MEANS. anyway then i couldn't figure out how to log in to it today and i almost went insane and had a heart attack at the same time for forty minutes until i figured it out. OH MY GOD WHERE IS MY FUCKING BLOG I NEED TO POST ON IT RIGHT NOW AKL;HSDKHAKBFDH/LK!!! !!! !

now i can't even write anything because i need a drink. of blueberry tea. HA. that is a throwback to my favorite joke when i was a little kid. i drink a lot. OF WATER!!! heh. i don't even know what that means.

okay this girl is coming over now to give me and dave haircuts and teach us how to make peurto rican food FUCK YES.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

the detox

i just ate a giant bowl of kale pretty soon my liver will sparkle with purity and i will be able to see through walls!

Monday, November 13, 2006


i have a super hard time not laughing at funerals for some reason so it's probably pretty good that i didn't go to my cousin's mom's funeral last week because
apparently the husband gave a eulogy that ended with him screaming SHEEE RAAAA!!! really screaming. she ra. like the princess of power. my brother told me this story after i yelled at my family for making fun of my uncle all the time. STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM HE IS MENTALLY ILL AND I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO IT. i think everyone felt pretty awesome then like woah our degenerate daughter is morally superior to us. anyway at second city they were doing improv and the audience is yelling shit out for them to do and the girl is like OK WHAT IS THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE THING YOU GUYS HAVE SEEN AT A FUNERAL? i think we all spit our drinks all over each other at that point. thinking about this guy screaming about she ra at the pulpit is way fucking funnier than anything i heard at second city.

oh man thank god that guy is famous enough to be on google images because he is seriously fucking hilarious looking. i can only hope that at my funeral someone will reference jem.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

i was at this party last night and half my friends wanted to go to some bar i forget what it was called but it was like 110am and this bar closed at 2 and instead of telling them they were stupid i left when they weren't looking because i am socially awkward and then i went to the mutiny. there was some band there and the singer had red hair and he looked like a leprachaun and he was wearing some shirt that kind of looked like the shirt i was wearing so i kept saying i was going to go up to him and say NICE SHIRT EITHER WE ARE SOULMATES OR... okay now i can't remember the last part but basically it was about how he was wearing a girl shirt. whatever it was i'm pretty sure it was good because jenny asked me if i made it up myself. the moral of the story is that i am hilarious.

i am going to second city later for my mom's birthday and i should probably bring a notebook so i can write down funny shit they say and repeat it at crappy ameteur stand up night at the mutiny tonight and be way funnier than everyone else who is talking about fighting sharks with lasers on their heads and how black people don't eat peanut butter. UM HELLO BLACK PEOPLE TOTALLY EAT PEANUT BUTTER I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE. okay that originally said UM HELLO BLACK PEOPLE TOTALLY EAT PEANUT BUTTER I KNOW BECAUSE THEY SELL IT AT ALDI but i am not trying to be racist here. probably i shouldn't even go to the mutiny tonight probably i should drink tea and go to bed at 9 or something. haha like that is really going to happen.

Friday, November 10, 2006

zombie cat!

so this cat was dying in my yard yesterday i know because i took my dogs out and my neighbor bob comes out on his porch and is like DUDE WATCH OUT FOR THE DYING CAT. and then like eleven hours later when me and my roommate were stumbling home from the bar i'm like LET'S GO SEE IF THAT CAT IS DEAD YET. so we got down on the ground and lit lighters and nudged it and stuff and determined NO NOT DEAD.

then we went inside and opened some more beers. then i remembered i had cream still from when i made lasagna and i'm like HEY LETS GO GIVE THAT CAT SOME JOY FOR IT'S FINAL MOMENTS so we brought the cream down there and the girl who lives in the coach house came stumbling home and wondered what we were doing and dave went and got some turkey and she got some catnip and the cat started trying to walk and it fell in the cream and it started meowing all loud and the dude bob came out and we got a box and put it in a box with some sweaters and the guy from the coach house came out and we sat around and petted the cat and then we went in the coach house and drank some high lifes and then we went back home and our other neighbors showed up and we decided to put the cat box on our porch and then we decided to bring it inside and dave went to the second floor and the first floor and i put on the pixies and played with the cat and dave came home and decided to put the cat in his bed and also we named it josephine. dave slept with the lights on because according to dave it would be so easy to die in the dark. and the cat shit all over dave's bed and he had to sleep in the couch. anyway then i stayed home from work and went to target and bought the cat YELLOWFIN TUNA WITH SPRING VEGETABLES IN A DELICATE SAUCE. i am not kidding it was fancy feast. then i took the cat to this place called the treehouse which is a shelter for sick and hurt cats it is a big house and they don't even have cages the cats just run around the place. probably i will call them on monday and see if she died even though i hate cats because this one was pretty cool it was black and had all it's claws that is my fantastic cat adventure the end.

Monday, November 06, 2006

what in the hell is wrong with people

here is a story for you. one time i liked this guy and i was supposed to do this one thing but on the way there i stopped by possibly the lamest party in the universe and ignored him for twenty minutes and then when my ride showed up i was like 'i'm leaving come on.' anyway the moral of this story is that if i liked you i would go to the lamest party in the universe if you were going to be there and if you called me i would definitely not be like UH I CAN'T REALLY TALK RIGHT NOW I AM EATING A PUSH POP. if some girl tells you she can't talk to you because she is eating a fucking push pop you should probably not text message her the next day like 'hey can i come over someday?' no you can not come over some day. why does my cellphone not have a template for DO NOT TRY TO ADVANCE THE FRIENDSHIP, YOU WILL FAIL. except even if you told them that it would not matter because people do not believe you unless they want to believe you like when you tell someone you are busy eating push pops they actually believe ONE DAY WHEN SHE IS NOT SO BUSY EATING PUSH POPS WE WILL FALL IN LOVE. but then you tell other people shit like JUST BECAUSE WE FUCKED DOES NOT MEAN I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND and they think OBVIOUSLY SHE IS PLAYING HARD TO GET BECAUSE SHE IS IN LOVE WITH ME. or maybe they totally dissect that shit like okay so it doesn't mean she is my girlfriend but she didn't say it meant she's NOT my girlfriend. who knows what is going on in these people's heads. and then they think it is a good idea to tell you they are in love with you and you're like UH I HAVE TO GO I FORGOT I HAVE IMPORTANT CIGARETTES TO SMOKE AT HOME AND I MUST GET ON THAT RIGHT AWAY. and then they are surprised when you never talk to them again like WHAT SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY STILL BE SMOKING THOSE IMPORTANT CIGARETTES IT'S BEEN TEN DAYS and they get drunk and leave weird messages on your voicemail about how you are a bitch. and you are like dag i told you i didn't like you it is not my fault that you are delusional. and then people need to read a book called 'he's just not that into you' to be like WOAH WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN'T LIKE ME I THOUGHT HE MEANT HE DID LIKE ME OH MY GOD MEN ARE SO CONFUSING IT IS LIKE THEY REALLY DID COME FROM MARS I SHOULD READ THAT BOOK NEXT!!!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

don't worry hey no need to hide behind the trees

draw your caricature on rice paper careful not to rip it don't you want it to go down easier when you crush it down my throat?

on the couch you can barely see the church outside your sweating windows it's cold outside you can feel his head on your legs while you talk about everything but death and taxes and it's lonely when you're not alone.

and words richochet off the walls never really going anywhere and you can't even hear them because you're listening to the woosh of blood inside yourself transporting oxygen recycled from someone else's lungs not his obviously your carbon was never bonded to his hydrogen in the land before time but that's okay because if it was you might want to kill him and you wouldn't know why scratch at his veins to get it back but as it is you're content in this less than bloodthirsty situation being lonely with someone else for a little while.
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