Friday, October 27, 2006

jumping out of windows with confetti in our hair

neither of us ever sits on the couch. after work he walks outside taking pictures in low light with old fasioned cameras that feel like toys and i work on my thesis and read great jones street or tender goes the night. i am always sitting in the same chair when he comes in. 'i can't sit in that chair,' he says. 'it's too comfortable. i have to sit in this one. i am going to die in this chair.' i sat in it once. the hard bars pressed against my spine. we listen to old country music or the pixies or songs about having three ways with handicapped people. can i have another cigarette? yes. can i have another beer? yes. the phone rings constantly and we take turns reciting the numbers to each other and not answering. people come and sit on the couch and play with the dogs and go and we wonder out loud if we should have more beers. in the morning he will tell me about his dreams while we walk to the train. they almost always involve prescription drugs. someone has discovered a drug to cure isolation or he is living in california with an irish rugby player who is on meds to help him pee in public. i don't remember mine. it's time to go home.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

LogoThere are:
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

oh wait it's probably that daughter i sold on the black market last year never mind.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

i think when i moved i accidentally threw out all my towels so i went to target and bought a towel yesterday i don't think i have ever bought towels in my life. i think i stole all my old ones like from old boyfriends parents houses or whatever. anyway who knew you could get a giant bath towel for four dollars at target. amazing. also i got sheets for twenty dollars is that super cheap because i think that seems super cheap. last year i didn't even have sheets on my bed and now i have two sets of them soon i will be clipping coupons and making pot roasts i'm sure.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

quit your day job

john updike is a fucking genius

i just quit my only class.

fuck class everyone should quit their class. ask your teacher who the fuck he thinks he is and walk out of the fucking class and throw your $110 textbook in the trash on the way out LOUDLY. fuck this $110 textbook.

everyone should quit their job. tell your boss i don't even know what the fuck we do here. fucking leave and take the stairs. fuck the elevator. take them three at a time. throw paper everywhere. have a coca cola in your hand. it will be like a beautiful coca cola commercial.

you don't need to go to school to work in a chocolate chip factory. you will smell like chocolate every day and your girlfriend will still love you. i promise.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

text messaging in your pocket YEAH RIGHT MATT DAMON

i just made steaks YUM MOTHERFUCKING YUM. here is the secret to steaks. buy the cheapest ones you can find the ones i just made were like two dollars marinate the shit out of them and eat them so raw the inside is still cold.

i am going to bed early because i am wholesome now. unlike last night when i was stumbling home from the bar at 3am screaming YOU KNOW WHAT LIFE IS A FUCKING SHAM. god damn i get smart when i am drunk. god damn i get violent hiccups when i am drunk.

i actually made it in to work three days this week. this is like a huge accomplishment for me. also i will be going in to work tomorrow. oh my god it is almost like i am a real person.

am i the only person in the world who didn't like the departed? hit me up if you thought this movie was boring and or dumb as hell.

ps. i wrote this last night can someone please tell me why it is just now showing up?

Sunday, October 15, 2006

i walked to the bar by myself i just got back i'm kind of drunk. yes i got drunk by myself shut up. okay i did not actually get drunk by myself i had some beers with my roommate and then he left to walk around and take low light pictures or some shit and then i walked to the bar by myself and had some beers with some old guy named charlie who is legally blind and carries around a tape recorder to record hilarious shit. aka me in 40 years if i was a guy and named charlie. i just wrote me in 20 years and then i realized i will not be 63 in 20 years. NOT TOO DRUNK TO EDIT. and then i got home and my roommate was like woah you actually went to the bar i didn't think you were going to. because he was supposed to meet me there. and i was like pfft whatever it was fucking stand up night dude i got free cigarettes and beer. also i got to hear a bunch of shitty stand up which i wasn't paying attention to because it was not as hilarious as a fucking old dude talking about masturbating. here is an example of stand up comedy at the mutiny. I WANT TO SEE A FIGHT BETWEEN THE SEARS TOWER AND THE HANCOCK BUILDING. I MEAN THE SEARS TOWER IS FUCKING TOUGH THAT BITCH ALREADY LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY TOOK A CHUNK OUT OF IT'S HEAD. also i just made that funnier when i wrote it down. OH HERE'S A GOOD ONE. HOW ABOUT THE WORLD TRADE CENTER VERSUS AN AIRPLANE. WHAT IF THE AIRPLANE HAD A LASER COMING OUT OF ITS HEAD. okay seriously. hancock versus sears? one is like a giant cock and the other one is shaped like a giant pack of cigarettes. WHICH ONE DO I LIKE MORE? WHO KNOWS. i just made that one up. HILARIOUS IMPROV. okay time to make grilled cheese.

Friday, October 13, 2006

the president of the company don't care if i'm dead or if i'm bleeding

things i would rather do than the job i have now.

fucking for money. i would rather have a guy attach a flashlight to his dick and fuck me until my stomach lights up like glow worm and i will wear a glow worm mask and we will do it in the middle of toys r us that would make me happier than the job i have now even if the guy weighed three hundred pounds and wore track pants.

washing dishes. i would rather wash dishes in a shitty diner in gotham nebraska and get sexually harrassed by a bunch of line cooks who smell like a walk in cooler that would make me happier than the job i have now even if i only got paid $3.16 an hour at least i could probably eat all the skillets i wanted.

retail. i would rather work at the gap and tell a bunch of girls from roscoe village who think they still weight 110 pounds that oh my god they look just like audrey hepburn in those skinny pants than work at the job i have now. even if they made me spend $200 a month at the gap so i could advertise that season of gap attire on my body i would like that more.

fear factor contestent. i would rather jerk off a rat and smear rat cum all over my face and dive into a vat of blood and bob for uncircumsized penises even though i might not even win the million dollars and nobody would ever talk to me again i would rather do that than the job i have now and maybe it would force me to reevaluate my life and i could come away from the situation a better person or some shit and wouldn't that be better?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

god is a dj

Erin: wanna see what dj i dont think i should use?

me: yeah

Erin: check out this dudes web site

me: oh jesus nice flyer.

Erin: this is the kinda crap i have to sort though
im not kidding
i know

me: can i put that on my blog ? please?

Erin: he sounded so awesome on the phone.
you should
it's unbelievable

me: i'm going to.
it's the funniest shit ever.
why does the flier look like it's for a cult?

Erin: no shit

me: seriously.

Erin: is that jesus in the picture

me: it's either jesus or the white osama bin laden.

Erin: do you see why finding people for a wedding is SO time consuming
it's hard to find people for a good price that ARE NOT CRAZY
i think it is osama bin laden

me: you should just have a crazy wedding.
i want osama bin laden to spin at your wedding.

Erin: oh god
no thanks

me: do you think he will actually wear a turban?
do you think he will actually be covered in prisms?

Erin: prisms!

me: also he will be good to have around IN CASE THE RAPTURE OCCURS.

scream it like you hate that bitch


i have a roommate now. dave. i think i am going to start calling him david. reverse nickname. we are both pretty much total degenerates. like neither one of us went to work on monday but i didn't know he was home because he slept until 4pm. he said he heard me come in at 7am and it inspired him to not go to work. oh my god i am like a muse. a muse for people that want to destroy their own lives.

he is borrowing me some books. my new apartment is good for reading in because it has slanted ceilings and it looks like an attick. also we have a wooden rocking chair. a wooden rocking chair is not comfortable to sit in but it might make you feel like you're some romanticised version of yourself if you sit in there while you drink cheap beer and talk about books in your attick especially if your roommate is wearing a cardigan. see i am not a trainwreck i am an intellectual.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

take you out to costco and the pigeon john show

aw pigeon john why are you sad? i was just kidding i'll totally go to the derby with you.

me and pigeon john are pretty much in love now. even though i kept hitting him with a rolled up poster the whole time i was talking to him. that is true love.

so now that we are totally boyfriend and girlfriend do i have to take my pigeon john pin off my purse?
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