Monday, May 08, 2006

things that are fucked up

i just don't show up for work anymore and nobody notices so i stay home to study but then somehow it is dark outside and i have no idea what i did all day and people call me on the phone and ask me what i'm doing and i'm like 'nothing' and they're like 'how can you be doing nothing' and i'm like i don't know but i feel like i just woke up even though i've been awake for twelve hours WHERE DID MY TWELVE HOURS GO?

and then i have all this shit piling up on me because for some reason paying $30 for six months of aol i don't use seems better than canceling it oh my god calling these people on the phone and like talking to them COMPLETELY OVERWHELMING.

and now i have to berate myself in order to get anything done like today i made a list of things to do including TAKING A SHOWER because like i could remember to take a shower if i didn't write it down and no i am not kidding. and then in the morning i would totally be like I AM WAY TO DIRTY TO GO TO WORK TODAY TIME TO SIT ON THE PORCH LIKE A SEVENTY YEAR OLD WOMAN AND WASTE MY LIFE. and i can't just write 'take a shower' no i have to write a fucking diatribe to myself TAKE A SHOWER YOU DIRTY BITCH YOU HAVE FLEAS SERIOUSLY TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER ALREADY! i have to write it like that or i will not do it. and i know as soon as i get home i am going to check my email so i have to email myself like GOD YOU STUPID WHORE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THE COMPUTER YOU ARE SO FUCKING LAZY LAZIER THAN THAT GUY SLEEPING ON THE BENCH YES LOOK OUTSIDE THERE HE IS HAHA YOU ARE SO PREDICTABLE!

it's pretty much like time travel. like during the rare moments i am actually displaying like sense or something i have to go into the future and tell my apathetic future self what to do. i should teach others about this fantastic technique of only demonstrating sense like ten percent of the time as long as you use that time to go into the future and boss your stupid senseless self around.

like if you are a drug addict you could write yourself notes on twenties like I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE QUITTING YOU SAID THAT LAST WEEK YOU ARE STUPID AND A FAILURE AND I AM GOING TO HATE YOU LATER I.E. YOU ARE GOING TO HATE YOURSELF INTENSE SELF LOATHING AHHHHHHHHHH!



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