Thursday, April 13, 2006

i always know just what to say

mandy gets to have some medical tests soon. what kind of tests you ask? here i will let her tell you.

mandy: dude i am going to have radioactive chemicals in my body
it says you have to take SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS WHEN YOU URINATE


here is my version of being reassuring:

me: your pee will go into the sewers and make teenage mutant ninja turtles.

then i let her know it could be worse.

me: ew good thing you didn't lose too much weight or you might be able to SEE THE NODULE POPPING OUT OF YOUR NECK.

mandy: i don't want them to cut it out!!

me: at least you don't have A GOITER.

I AM POSITIVE TO THE EXTREME!!!

me: anyway if you have cancer you can call the make a wish foundation and get whatever you want.

then she said something totally hilarious which i am not posting here because if she dies i am going to present it later as my own material and everyone will fucking love it and praise my comedic genius.

i thought about taking it further.

IF YOU HAVE CANCER YOU CAN MAX OUT TEN CREDIT CARDS AND NEVER HAVE TO PAY. PARTY ALL THE TIME!

IF YOU HAVE CANCER YOU CAN GET AIDS AND IT WON'T MATTER!

IF YOU HAVE CANCER YOU CAN WEAR JUICY COUTURE SWEATSUITS AND CARRY AROUND A DOONEY AND BURKE PURSE FULL OF WEINER DOGS AND IF ANYONE GIVES YOU SHIT YOU CAN BE LIKE I HAVE CANCER BITCH!

IF YOU HAVE CANCER THERE WILL PROBABLY COME A POINT WHERE YOU CAN EAT ALL DAY LONG AND STILL BE SKINNY AS HELL!

seriously why do people not come to me with all of their problems.
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