Saturday, April 29, 2006

my new name is fleabag.

i haven't washed my hair since wednesday and i'm sitting around rubbing hair grease all over my head I AM SO AWESOME.

also i have fleas. in case you forgot. i think they are bird fleas from standing over dead pigeons barefoot for twenty minutes taking pictures.

having fleas was pretty cool at first because if you can't think of anything else to say you can say I HAVE FLEAS. i mean really not a lot of people have fleas so that is interesting. also then some people are like EW THAT'S WEIRD and then you know it is time to stop talking to those people because obviously they are l a m e. the fleas are getting totally boring though.

one time i lived with this kid that never took showers so i think that really helped me not realize that i am totally s l e a z e. apparently normal people take showers like every day. i did not know that. i went to that kid's funeral on wednesday. they gave him a gay haircut and put beige lip gloss on him. too bad i am not religious so i could have kneeled down in front of his casket and crossed myself instead of standing there horrified wanting to mess up his hair.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

forty eight hours and i wouldn't answer his calls

one time i met this guy.

made me wanna paint my nails made me wanna wear a dress made me wanna breathe. like i could breathe laying next to him.

made me wanna change my last name. made me wanna move to Minnesota and have ten million blue collar kids and sit under a hair dryer once a week and make a jello salad. and forget anything i ever thought i wanted.

made me wanna believe in god.

because talking to him was like reading a script i wrote myself and his delivery was perfect. i don't even remember writing this script but i know all the lines and you know all the lines i guess i wrote this script for you. huh.

sometimes his lines were so dead on i'd miss my cue and he would say what and i would say nothing, i'm hungover. (you're perfect).


i was sitting on his bed scatching stars into the dirt on my ankle over and over and over and i looked down and realized i was bleeding all over his blue sheets. stars. scars. really it was more than i could take.

and then i remember he lives in minneapolis and i'm not bleeding all over his blue sheets i don't even know if he has blue sheets. he probably doesn't even have sheets with his ripped jeans and jameson and making me want to put on an apron and do whatever he wants.

this is fiction.

i mean is fiction even ever really fiction anyway?

Friday, April 21, 2006

this is why you shouldn't listen to people

when i was little i wanted to be a lawyer and then someone told me no you just think you want to be a lawyer because you watch so much law and order or something in reality it's not like you're going to be a district attorney you would end up like in divorce court or something and you would totally hate it. and i was like huh that is some sage advice.

too bad now that i am old and wise i can say that is VERY FUCKING NOT AT ALL SAGE advice and if i remembered what idiot told me it i would probably punch them in the face for not giving me enough credit because honestly was i ever stupid enough to think i liked something because i like to watch it on tv i mean i like to watch elimidate on tv and it's not like i ever thought i wanted to become a professional drunken whore WHAT THE FUCK! and why the fuck wouldn't it be like i could be a district attorney i can be whatever the fuck i want to be what kind of low fucking self esteem did i have when some idiot told me this that i'd be like yeah you're right it's not like i'd be a district attorney i should have been like wait WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CRUSH AN EIGHT YEAR OLD'S DREAMS??? i mean really who does that. oh wait probably my mom. too bad that was probably the year i tried to convince my mom she should run for president and i seriously thought she would win. it must be nice to have someone with such blind faith in you NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW THANKS A LOT MOM.

and then my mom wanted me to be a writer. because i guess that is totally realistic. i should have been like IT'S NOT LIKE I'D WRITE THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL OR SOMETHING I WOULD END UP WRITING FOR THE J CREW CATALOUGE AND I WOULD HATE IT.

and this was during the same time that my brother decided he wanted to be a candy bar when he grew up and my mom was like 'oh, isn't that great!' seriously what the fuck.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

i have fleas and the bird flu

i saw soul position and one be lo at the abbey this weekend and then i walked home with no shoes on in the rain. and it's like three miles. i can walk on broken glass without cutting myself because i am like the jesus of drunken derelicts. we saw like seven dead pigeons under this viaduct. seven dead pigeons = bird flu epidemic. yes i have the bird flu now. luckily i am not scared because only the good die young.

i don't really have the bird flu but i really do have fleas. i am not kidding.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

this is what the virgin mary looks like

if you would like to know how seriously mental i am i was looking at pictures of pregnant celebrities yesterday and decided i was pregnant probably even though i am on the pill and even though i had my period AT THAT VERY MOMENT because i was like dag that is what my stomach looks like. like there is new life in it. no it doesn't i am delusional. so i asked et if she thought the miracle of life was occuring inside me and she was like uh no idiot. of course i was like DON'T CONDESCEND TO ME, ME AND MY BABY ARE DEFYING SCIENCE! HE COULD BE JESUS VERSION 2.0!

so then i took this pregnency test that this girl brought to my house even though i said i didn't want it because she was celibate and i was going to throw it away because i decided it's trashy as hell to have pregnency tests lying around your room or whatever but luckily i am too lazy to ever do anything i decide to do. anyway the moral of the story is that i do not get to find out what happens to girls who get the messiah vacuumed out of them during the first trimester. guess who did not think this was funny. the modern day joseph of nazareth. probably when he did not think that was funny i should have been like what are you all stressed out for it's not like it would have for sure been yours. then i could have poked him in the eye. i am guessing that fucking me is probably pretty awesome but like before and after is probably like ASDKFASDKLJLAK! DEATH BY ANNOYANCE!

Friday, April 14, 2006

blah blah i'm bored

guess how many emails i've sent with the subject line 'blah blah i'm bored.' 271. i'm bored. this is the kind of stuff i do when i'm bored. put on mascara. vodka shot. follow mandy around the house and ask her if these jeans make me look like a swaybacked ethiopian. look at pictures i took of myself.

what the fuck. i don't remember ever being that happy in my life. take shit out of my purse and put it in a different purse. put it back in the first purse. put on more mascara. kiss my dog on the mouth. vodka shot. stare in the mirror and think hilarious thoughts. write them down. hm not as hilarious as i thought. vodka shot. wait no totally hilarious. more mascara. i look like tammy faye baker. put shit in the other purse again. like sands through the hourglass so are the days of our lives.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

i always know just what to say

mandy gets to have some medical tests soon. what kind of tests you ask? here i will let her tell you.

mandy: dude i am going to have radioactive chemicals in my body

here is my version of being reassuring:

me: your pee will go into the sewers and make teenage mutant ninja turtles.

then i let her know it could be worse.

me: ew good thing you didn't lose too much weight or you might be able to SEE THE NODULE POPPING OUT OF YOUR NECK.

mandy: i don't want them to cut it out!!

me: at least you don't have A GOITER.


me: anyway if you have cancer you can call the make a wish foundation and get whatever you want.

then she said something totally hilarious which i am not posting here because if she dies i am going to present it later as my own material and everyone will fucking love it and praise my comedic genius.

i thought about taking it further.





seriously why do people not come to me with all of their problems.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

til i get to the bottom and i see you again

i am having a manson party on august ninth because hello i have been trying to have a manson party for four months. i was going to do it for christmas but then i decided i wasn't going to do anything that didn't involve blankets until february.

i am going to dress my apartment up like 10050 cielo drive like make chalk outlines on the floor and crazy manson obsessed people will be totally impressed with how authentic they are going to be also i will write on the walls with blood. DEATH TO PIGS! or whatever.

also i am going to dress up like sharon tate except instead of a rope around my neck i can have my dead baby's umbilical cord. because really more people should rip babies out of pregnant ladies and strangle them with their babies' umbilical cords. god susan atkins have some creativity.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

it's like i'm nelly bly or something

my mom is scared of me. oh god i've become more crazy than my crazy mom. today we were eating thai food and she was like how are you going to find another roommate and i'm like i don't know it's not that hard to find a roommate and my mom's like oh really? because i thought- and i'm like OH MY GOD MOM REMEMBER WHEN I WAS SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT ALL THE TIME I WANTED TO GO ON MEDICATION WELL I AM STILL SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT ALL THE TIME YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT AND I WORK VERY FUCKING HARD AT PRETENDING I AM NOT INSANE PLEASE DO NOT FUCK WITH ME OKAY??? and she's like uh. okay. then she gave me her credit card so i could put gas in my car because obviously i am about to go home and scream into my pillow because i don't have any gas in my car. oh my god my mom seriously thinks i'm on the brink of insanity.

this is my life.

today the kid next to me on the train was reading a screenplay probalby the stupidest screenplay ever and writing notes on it like he probably is a film student at columbia and this is his friends stupid as hell script and they are going to totally make a film man. the stupidest film of all time. and their stupid as hell theatre friends from high school that never went to college and work at applebee's are going to totally over act in it and make it even more stupid. also when he was writing the notes i'm pretty sure he was trying to make them extra meaningful and intelligent or something because i was blatantly leaning over his shoulder reading them and he wanted me to know that he is an artistic genius and people give him their screenplays to read because he is that amazing.

i am so glad i can tell everything about everyone by sitting next to them on the train i should write a screenplay about a girl that thinks she has super esp powers but in reality just thinks way to hard about stupid things.


Saturday, April 01, 2006

i don't know where my brother found this picture

this is linus. he robbed my house when i was like 17. my brother and his friends caught him. i bet it was just like scooby doo. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU BLASTED KIDS!

i said all my shit was missing and got insurance money and spent it on booze and blow. thanks for the good times linus.
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