Tuesday, February 07, 2006

on masturbation, for tony pierce

tony wants me to write about masturbation, duh. and when tony wants you to write about something you write about it. so.

i started masturbating when i was in like first grade. me and my friend mackenzie were pole dancing in her basement and i was like WOAH THAT FEELS AWESOME and she was like haha you're sick. then she told all the boys i was a slut. whatever mackenzie that shit is natural. i had a swingset in my yard and i used to climb up the sides of it and like grind on it or whatever. usually while i was thinking about this boy that was one year older than me and how i wanted to dig a hole and throw him in it and keep him as my slave and feed him string cheese. a five year old totally getting off on a swingset all high up in the air thinking about kiddie dominatrix type shit. that is not something you see every day. my neighbors were probalby all up on the phone like uh hey erin's mom your dirty little daughter is jilling off in the backyard again. good thing my parents were all progressive and didn't want to like restrict me or whatever. i think i thought it was my little secret like i invented masturbation and none of the suckers on the block had any idea what i was doing. good times.

also one time i was at the zoo looking at some boring ass exhibit and i totally masurbated against the bars at the zoo. still whenever i am bored out of my mind i think about sex. in a meeting. in class. on the train. while i'm watching laguna beach. last year i was in a meeting for like two hours and it was so incredibly boring and i had been thinking about sex for like an hour and i was almost crazy and i totally got myself off. being a girl is great because you can do it all discreet. unlike the retarded kid that used to come into the gas station and look at the magazines and stroke his cock right in front of me and then we would make eye contact and he would pretend he was reading maps.

then i heard like 56% of girls masturbate and like 97% of guys or something. forget about 'i promise i won't come in your mouth' THAT is the biggest lie in the universe. everybody masturbates i don't care. everyone reading this masturbates. nobody just wants to admit it because they are repressed and especially if they are girls they think girls are not supposed to do that and they think ew gross a clit that is dirty and gross. my friend found her little sisters vibrator and was like OH MY GOD SICK and i was like 'what i have one' and she was like EW SHUT UP!!! i bet my friend has really bad sex.

i learned how to read before i was three and i blame all of this on the fact that my mom left 'our bodies ourselves' laying around where i could get my hands on it.
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