Monday, January 30, 2006

i bet you didn't know you can get ghonorrhea in your eyeball.

last year i made valentines and they were fucking awesome. happy vd they said. with pictures of vd on them. pictures of vd are romantic.

i gave them to a bunch of people i didn't know at a valentines day party where i pretty much didn't know people and was completely inebriated and stumbled into a future baby room and crashed but not untill i said some really beautiful things to these girls i didn't know one of whom was mandy OH MY GOD OUR ANNIVERSARY IS ON VALENTINES DAY THAT IS ROMANTIC. in the morning the other girl told me how much it meant to her. whatever i said. GLAD I COULD BE OF HELP DURING A DRUNKEN BLACKOUT.

i don't know what i should put on my valentines this year. maybe a picture of chloe sevigny not realizing she is totally getting fucked with a fake cock. i found that picture when i googled 'boys don't cry' looking for a picture of a goth kid crying his eyeliner off so i could make a drawing of it and write depeche mode lyrics on it. too bad if i had a picture of a goth kid crying i would totally name it 'boys don't cry.' i guess other people are not like me because google images turned up no goth kids crying. not when i searched 'goth kids crying' not when i searched 'boys don't cry' and not when i searched 'boys crying their eyeliner off.' if you have a picture of a goth kid crying please send it to me so i can write 'how did I end up
so deeply involved in the very existance i planned on avoiding' on it. i know that is not depeche mode.

if you love something, let it go. if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.

some guy wrote that in his diary of murder. my brother got me the encyclopedia of serial killers for christmas and i fucking love it. reading about serial killers is seriously fucking hilarious. the guy with the murder diary lived on a renaissance commune i'm not even kidding and there were goats running around dressed up as unicorns. what the fuck. then when he got arrested for making a million snuff films or whatever he popped a cyanide capsule out of his secret belt buckle compartment and commited suicide while he was being questioned.

so anyway this guy was from san fransisco and his hippie mother tried to teach him pride in the human body by having him take naked pictures of his sisters. this is what i learned from this book. please do not make your children do weird shit because they will grow up insane. like this german kid that lived in one room with like all 12 people in his family and his dad would go all crazy and pretty much rape his mom in front of all of them and then later after the kid got tired of molesting all his sisters he started killing tons of people. WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED.

oh yeah also the first guy didn't even kill all the girls on the films but for some reason nobody turned him in. too bad if some guy raped and tortured me on film i would probably call the police the second i got out of there even if i was running down the street naked and bloody i would probalby be on the phone before putting clothes on. seriously what the fuck is wrong with people.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

what the fuck swank franks

swank franks was out of fries last night. that is so not swank. also putting fucking ketchup on a hotdog. even the fucking portillos in naperville does not put ketchup on a hotdog why can i not get a proper chicago style hotdog on damen. and fries are not strawberries or whatever how the fuck can any place be out of fries like ever. i should get a cable access show so i can review drunken diner food.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

usually i wonder why all our buildings are made like entirely out of glass like when i am at the gynecologist and if anything is worse than being at a school gynecologist it's being at a school gynecologist in a building that is made out of glass except today i think our buildings are made out of glass for days like today. but i'm sure eight hours of class will totally crush my spirit and instill in me a need to drink heavily.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

he gives me some knowledge i buy him some shoes

today crazy red shirt guy asked me for a dollar. crazy red shirt guy walks around screaming and being drunk all the time and he only has one shirt and it's red or else he has many red shirts and they are all dirty all the time. he's like can i ask you a favor until the end of the day i'm hungover and i really need a beer. yeah i know the feeling. except i ususally don't know the feeling at 7:30 wednesday morning. so i gave him a dollar and my dog bit his hand.

also the other day i was in oakpark and this guy walks up to me like 'i'm not trying to bother nobody but' and he tells me this long in depth story about how he got laid off blah blah blah walked up to the pads shelter on xyz street whatever whatever talked to blah blah whoever blah blah blah lives on austin right by church's chicken and just wants to get some chicken to feed his family blah blah blah. too bad THE EXACT SAME GUY TOLD ME THE EXACT SAME STORY ON THE EXACT SAME STREET CORNER LIKE ONE MONTH AGO. of course i gave him a dollar he was an excellent liar and i was totally impressed. i didn't give him any money the first time when i actually thought he needed to feed his family. what the fuck is wrong with me?

Monday, January 23, 2006

i'm past the point of concern it's time to play

i think i chewed a hole threw my lip this weekend so i now have herpes or i now look like i have herpes rather. how am i going to make new best friends forever nobody is going to want to share their vodka redbulls with me in the bathroom while i drunkenly tell them their ex boyfriend is a retard. i look infectious.

of course i couldn't stop chewing on it because what the fuck it hurt but it wasn't like i could feel my pulse in it or whatever. i bet i could make a metaphor for life out of this lip biting thing. i'll do that later.

i totally threw up in this kid's sink this weekend because i was as drunk as probably a person that is about to die of alcohol poisoning. also i don't know what i ate but it looked like dead leaves and i did a horrible job of drunkenly cleaning it up. then the next day i wanted to die like really wanted to die. you know like how you wanted to die when you were 14. like when you scream around your room listening to your dad's guns'n'roses cd and breaking things and then you try to suffocate yourself when that song 14 years or whatever comes on because woah you're 14 years old. and your mom won't give you any bus money and how the fuck are you supposed to meet your friends up for a hot dog or whatever. fourteen years that are gone forever that i'll never have again. or something.

Friday, January 20, 2006

i just pulled a peice of my lip off. except while i was pulling it off i was like WHAT THE FUCK I AM PULLING MY MOUTH OFF so i stopped so now i have half attached lip skin and also blood all over my face. this is what happens when you're lips are all cracked up because it's winter and you are too lazy to look for chapstick in your forty gallon bag. also all the water is sucked out of you by your unhealthy lifestyle. i'm going to go tell my boss i'm bleeding and i have aids and i have to leave.
girls are so weird. tonight i'm seeing this girl that i think has secret hatred for me so i want to make sure she knows i am made of nothing but love except i don't know how to be nice to people really without getting all visibly uncomfortable and then they look at me and are like dag what the fuck is wrong with this stiff bitch probably she fucking hates me. then we are mortal enemies in some abstract dimension called the imagination of other people that are way too observant and they are like oh yeah those two totally hate each other so next time we have to be like our super best nice ever and later are like 'oh my god that girl is SO FAKE. fucking hate her.' and where does all this come from NOWHERE. so fucking stupid.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

i lie

sometimes when i'm alone listening to depeche mode i cry my eyeliner all over my face and lightly drag razor blades up and down my wrists.

i used to lie to my diary.

when i write i have an alter ego that wears glasses and chews on her hair.

i'm pretty much dying for someone to tell me what to do but i don't think i'll ever find anyone that can.

if i've never been extremely cruel to you i probably don't like you that much.

i can't sleep in bed next to a guy without dreaming i'm fucking him.

sometimes i wonder how it would be to drown. i think i'll find out one day. i won't leave a note.

i love smoking cigarettes because it reminds me that i'm breathing thus a l i v e.

never learned how to ride a bike.

have you ever read cities of the red night i have that disease. the human virus.

until i was about 20 i was insanely fearful that i would start showing symptoms of schizophrenia at any moment.

i had an abortion in istanbul. it hurt.

i think like five or six of these are true.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

thunder cats HO-OOOOOOO

i ended up at this loft in pilsen at like six in the morning everyone else was in this other room and lora and i were in the giant enormous main part and we climbed up on this scaffolding and were sitting there drinking wine and A FUCKING OCELOT WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM i am not kidding.

i was like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. yes my friend has a jungle cat. WHAT THE FUCK. of course we were yelling about it and this girl comes out and is like ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME? paranoia. NO THERE IS A JUNGLE CAT IN HERE AND I AM NOT LYING.

i totally took the thirty foot leap down in heels to chase it around the loft shrieking OH MY GOD ARE YOU AN OCELOT PLEASE LET ME PHOTOGRAPH YOU. i subsequently became either everyone's hero or the most annoying person ever the end.

Friday, January 13, 2006

like you care

last night i dreamed i was blind and also shooting people. then xani bar woke up and was like WOAH I JUST HAD THE COOLEST DREAM EVER ABOUT A FLESH EATING VIRUS. one time she dreamed about a giant bunny and she was terrified.

in my dream i was blind and also kidnapped by some ugly people in a rusty old car. except it wasn't me i wasn't even actually in the dream. then later i became the girl. i love when people tell me about their dreams and they make all this sense and i have to tell them they're lying because seriously people who tell you about these dreams that are all logical are liars. also people that tell you about their dreams are fucking boring. that shit is interesting to them only. except for my dreams because they are about being blind and also shooting people and driving a car while blind.

then i found out depressed people can benefit from sleep deprivation so i might open a clinic to teach depressed people how to regulate their sleep so they can wake themselves up when they get to the rem stage or whatever. because that was the whole key to the sleep deprivation thing. this is not a dream this was in real life. first i have to teach myself how to do that then i can teach other people and millions of depressed people will give me money to do this and also i will write a book and it will be a top seller because everybody is SOOOO DEPRESSED. also all the pharmeceutical companies will put a hit out on me but i will be so rich i will drive around in a bulletproof car all the time. also there will be side effects to my method like probably early death.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had

you know when you wake up and feel all hungover and shit and it's fucking freezing cold and everything but then you realize it's like six am and you don't have to wake up for two hours that is the awesomest shit ever so you drink some gatorade and go back to sleep and that is heaven. except then you really do have to wake up later and you're like fuuuuck and then you look at the person sleeping next to you all covered up with down blankets and shit when you are standing there and it is so cold in your apartment your feet are even cold just from standing on the floor and it makes you want to stab the peaceful sleeping person in the head. after you pour ice water on them.

oh god falling asleep feels so fucking good with some white comfortors so if you open your eyes a little it is like you are actually floating around on feather clouds and you are like pre dreaming where you have all this random shit in your head that seems so fucking awesome and you don't even realize you're thinking it because if you did you would also realize that it doesn't make any sense and your brain is fucking crazy. songs you wrote and you can like solve the puzzle of life. fucking insane sleeping brain waves. oh god falling asleep that is the fucking best shit ever. i love falling asleep and i fucking hate waking up. i would love dying.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

blow off the lie

and they don't like to see me happy i guess some of my friends told some of my other friends i have a drinking problem and some of my other friends told me. slander disguised as concern. and if i dissolve into a mess of slurred sentences and patchwork memories they will buy me a shot and add it to their mental tally of fucking drinks erin drank so later over coffee and she seriously had like 13 drinks and it's like i don't even know what i should yeah i know what you should do you should kill your fucking self.

these are the friends the friends of friends that you don't even like really but they're always like at the periphery and and you'll never get away from them and every time you talk to them you can't make your eyes not die a little bit so you talk louder and say shit like GOD THAT'S A REALLY CUTE PURSE. IT'S REALLY CUTE. and when you hear your own voice it makes you want to stab yourself in the stomach.

are they mad at me because i'm alive right now and not walking around in slow motion holding my own place in line?


Monday, January 09, 2006

look at us we're gorgeous

uh. i went to a party this weekend. at like 4am. in a huge empty abandoned building. jungle upstairs. jungle downstairs. weird ass films projected all over the walls. uh. i think i went to a rave party this weekend. A RAVE PARTY. except it was in the city and not out in harvey or whatever and no one there was like fifteen and wearing angel wings. oh my god it was the best shit ever. then i ate i don't know probably a greasy skillet or whatever at fucking hollywood grill.

then i got my flask out of my giant old lady purse and made us all screwdrivers for breakfast and decided the smoking ban didn't apply to me. then we went to the awesomest apartment ever and i drank all their alcohol and smoked all their cigarettes. smoke till your lungs bleed. this apartment was seriously so fucking awesome. everything was white and gray and orange and looked like the future.

also in the begining we were at this bar that was so fucking packed i couldn't even smoke a cigarette because there was seriously not enough room for me to like bring a cigarette to my mouth. also i was fucking irritated because there were a bunch of people dancing like they were in fifth grade and i am a fucking bitch and i get irritated when people dance like retarded people do where it's pretty much swaying side to side with maybe some foot shuffling and like clapping. if you are doing that and also have the european mullet i know you are not here to see daniel bell you are here because you are a hipster and you are making it more crowded and sweaty than it has to be and i hate you. then i got recognized twice because i'm famous. hey i know you aren't you the girl that worked at that one gas station? yes. free drinks for the girl that worked at that one gas station. i can not turn down a free drink. neither can andy.

that is not actually a members only jacket.

sometimes i feel like i am moving backwards in time. and sometimes i know that i am killing myself. i fucking love my life so much right now.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

circle one for yes two for no

dag this kid is going to be fucking hot one day.

is it wrong that i am totally attracted to fourteen year olds?

i'm not doing that

and then when you are in love with them they make you want to paint your toenails and maybe that is how you know you are in love. like you start to want to paint your tonails black or so dark red it's almost black or like indigo or something. too bad you don't own nail polish becuase you never meet these people. the ones that make you delude yourself into thinking that if you painted your body with toxic acetone paint all would be right in the world. and you would rather look at a picture of their arm and think about how beautiful it is than actually answer the phone when they call you because this never happens.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

cleanliness is next to boring

i just found out the shower has been clogged for a week or something. mandy told me. she also told me 'you probably didn't notice this because you never shower you dirty skank.'

i think i have taken six showers at my apartment. i don't shower. one time i was getting breakfast with this guy and he was like you're not going to shower are you and i was like FUCK NO DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO? and he was like that's awesome. yeah if you think that's awesome wait til you see me four days from now.

if it rains that counts as a shower. and if you don't go out so your hair doesn't smell like a bar put on some new deodorant and that counts as a shower. washing your face and wearing makeup counts as a shower.

then when i do take a shower i wear dirty clothes because seriously i just took a shower what more do you want from me. if you want me to be clean and also look good that is just too fucking bad.

i am actually lucky as hell because i do not get dirty. i pretty much look the same regardless. which is awesome because our shower fucking sucks. it never gets hot. taking a kind of warm shower in the morning when you are freezing cold is like the worst shit ever and i can not take a shower at night because when i wake up i will look like buckwheat.

in paris i didn't take a shower for four days and i wore the same jeans and white shirt the whole time. whatever i had bronze sandals and mascara and i rode around crashing motorcycles and looking parisian.

cleanliness is overrated.

maybe if i had a noisemaker

i am going to make nye sound fun.

oh my god new years eve oh six y'all! spent it on a ledge in the bathroom! my hair looked really good! vip new years bathroom countdown! all the cool kids were in there! hiding in the toilet because countdown to midnight is so so lame! and i'm too jaded to spend my first moments of oh six looking at ugly people!

party all the time y'all! ringing in the new year with gay ghetto mexicans! peurto ricans! whatever! oh six is the year for gay thugs to stop being ashamed! awesome! if you don't know who handsome boy modeling school is i don't want to talk to you! hey! you look like bernie mac! except boring and not funny! jessica got hit in the face oh my god it was so hilarious! all she wanted was to get hit in the face twice because it is all about s&m for the latter half of the decade! double zeros y'all!

oh god new years is so stupid. if you're not spending two hundred dollars to listen to a terrible dj and wear a cocktail dress whatever that means than you are drinking vodka out of a water bottle and stressing your friends out by demanding they turn around and meet you somewhere else.

when i was like 15 i supposedly came out of this room with a lampshade on my head singing about i just lost my virginity at a new years eve party. yeah right like i was really running around with a lampshade on my head what do i look like a drunken ethel mertz or whatever? too bad if i lost my virginity on new years i would remember that anniversary forever. unlike how i have no idea what day i lost my virginity or if it was even spring or winter or what or really how old i was even.

happy 2006. i hate even numbers.
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