Wednesday, November 30, 2005

you make me wanna

boring boring boring some things are so boring they make you want to stab your eyes out of your head with a bic pen and use it to rip your brains out through the sockets and twist them around it and make patterns on your face with peices of your brains and walk around like a zombie with no eyes and brains all over your face and give everyone bic pen lobotomies and color their teeth in with yellow highlighters and staple their lips to their noses and chins with your swingline stapler. that is how fucking boring some things are.

so i was sitting around being bored and thinking about pulling my veins out of my hands with a number two pencil and running around screaming LOOK I'M A MARIONETTE when xani bar called like 'what are you doing' and i said 'thinking about pulling my veins out of my hands with a number two pencil and running around screaming LOOK I'M A MARIONETTE and she said 'i think we should make a horror film.'


Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sorry fatties

oh my god i'm a terrible person.

i've dated a guy with a mullet

i've dated a guy who lived at home

i've dated a guy who got drunk and threw ashtrays at me

i've dated a guy who couldn't spell his own middle name

i've dated a guy in narcotics anonymous

i've dated a guy who wore overalls

i've dated a guy who liked jane's addiction

i've dated a guy who believed in the celestine prophecy or some shit

i've dated a guy who had a ponytail holder he made out of HIS OWN HAIR

i've never dated a fat guy.

i'm as shallow as they come.

any fat guys want to date me now's your chance while i'm still feeling bad about how shallow i am. hurry though i have a feeling it will pass in like four minutes.

girls steal

i may or may not have stolen a hat this weekend. it's navy blue. it has a patch on it. the patch has a flying ear of corn and it says DEKALB on it. i lived in dekalb for many years. it is snowing today. i wore the hat to work. the hat is AWESOME. mandy has hairspray that smells like pez. i used it today. sorry mandy. my hair smells like pez. now this hat smells like pez. i think this hat belongs to someone who lives los angeles. is it snowing today in los angeles? NO. is he going to give this hat the love and respect it deserves, and keep it smelling like pez? I DOUBT IT. okay i guess i should give the hat back but that doesn't mean i'm not going to cry about it.

i also stole a glass this weekend. tony had a picture of it on his blog.

stealing a glass doesn't even count as stealing. stealing three glasses doesn't even count as stealing but it makes your purse fucking heavy as hell.

i was wearing a bracelet i stole. jessica was wearing a bracelet i stole. jessica stole some candy from a country singer.

girls steal.

Monday, November 28, 2005

i got a ride home from a guy who calls his blog the bus blog

i'm at the computer lab right now waiting for some shit to print out and this fucking fuck is printing out 150 pages of giant charts that is taking like 40 minutes WHAT THE FUCK.

me and jessica met tony pierce this weekend. i almost pissed myself on the train and ended up peeing all over the side of some people's house and then i walked into the bar and right away i spilled a drink on some lady who probably hates me. also i repeatedly bashed tony in the head with a peice of plastic and then jessica told on me for smoking where i wasn't supposed to and i put my cigarette out on the waiter's tray and i think he hated me.

i don't think tony hated me even though i told him i liked raymi's blog better and i think i accused him of being conservative or something. he bought me a hot dog.

we also went to some country bar that made me feel like i was in a movie. jessica stole some candy.

tony thinks he could beat us at scrabble YEAH RIGHT.

also jessica made me steal a bunch of shit. i would never steal anything on my own accord. oh no.

i don't remember what i did on friday. what the fuck did i do on friday? it must have been something really fucking fantastic as i don't remember it at all.

anyway tony was really cool i didn't have that high of hopes because sometimes you meet people you know from the internet (carl)and you end up wanting to murder them but i didn't want to murder tony at all and i had so much fun i would even go to a cubs game with him even though i hate the cubs. so meet people from blogs even if it makes you feel like a giant geek. yeah right i never feel like a giant geek i think i am COOL AS FUCK and if i'm reading blogs i think they must be COOL AS FUCK also. it's my fatal flaw.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

keep abortion safe and legal

um, thanksgiving is awesome.

i am drunk. champagne and classical music on the first floor.

me and my brother playing drums on our drumsets downstairs. i am wearing a pin that says i love jimmy carter on it and he is wearing a pin about freeing the august 8th brigade. i don't know what the fuck that is. we are also wearing cowboy hats. also i am drunk. i am really good at the drums for a person that does not know how the fuck to play the drums.

my parents are going to murder us.

time to play drums and wear a welding mask.

time to drink more champagne. i am going to demand that someone make me a cocktail.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

thanksgiving time is happy family fun time.

happy family fun time with other people's families eating hotdogs and watching horror movies FUCK YEAH.

we watched the devil's rejects and ate like seven hundred pieces of pez.

then we watched these masters of horror things OH GOD SO FUCKING GOOD. they're each an hour long which is like perfect. too bad rob zombie didn't make the devil's rejects for the masters of horror series because then it would have only been one hour and then it wouldn't have been TOTALLY RETARDED for the last however long.


there was a pretty good scene in a hotel room where otis makes this girl wear her dead husbands carved off face for a mask and she goes so crazy she runs in front of a truck and gets smeared all over the road. and then after it baby and captain spaulding want some tutti fruiti ice cream and that part was funny as hell.

tutti fuckin fruiti!

then it started to super suck when they went to this whorehouse and i had to watch some fucking cheesy montage of them having all this fun drinking and partying. FUCKING GAY.

also there is this sheriff that is supposed to be out of his mind crazy for revenge or something and he kills mama firefly in the jailhouse by stabbing her in the stomach. like if he was so crazy or whatever he would have totally tortured the shit out of her like she tortured his brother. fatal stab wound = boring.

no he is not a good torturer at all. like when he captured the rest of the family his version of torturing them was like stapling pictures of their mangled victims to their bodies. too bad that is lame as hell he should have made captain spaulding fuck baby since she was his daughter and then while that was going on he could have poured gasoline all over them and burned them alive for a little while. or he could have cut out otis' tongue and made baby eat it or something. otis didn't really talk for the rest of the movie anyway so it's not like it even would have mattered. see it is really not that hard to think of this shit maybe i should write a horror movie.

sherrif wydell your victims look bored.

anyway that torture part was totally stupid. and the whole time i was like when is tiny going to save the day and then tiny did save the day PREDICTABLE. plus tiny should never take that bag off his head because he looks way scarier with it on.

then the end is way too long and pretty stupid. wow happy family fun time road trip WHY IS THIS STUPID MONTAGE LASTING FOR TEN MINTUES? how about in the end they could have all killed each other. that would have been WAY MORE INTERESTING.

house of 1000 corpses was better.

the sad thing is i actually liked this movie i just thought it could have been like way better. oh my god i'm so demanding. i think pretty much everything could be way better than it actually is. why am i not running things.

those masters of horror things i do not think could have been way better those things were FUCKING GOOD like OH GOD FUCK YES good. we watched jenifer and incident on an off a mountain road. next we are watching imprint and the toolbox murders.

happy thanksgiving time family fun.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

and they say I look like gilda ratner.

my mom never met her grandfather i guess he was insane and killed himself in new york or something and also had A SECRET FAMILY. in new york. my mom just met her secret cousin. jewish in new york. i hope he is like jerry stiller.

having new relatives is fucking awesome especially when they look like these people.

that kid is going to grow up to be gilda ratner TO THE EXTREME.

i'm going to fantasize about a lox and bagles new york thanksgiving now.

Friday, November 18, 2005



if i write some shit on monday about going to some hipster birthday party at a super secret undisclosed location or about going to a cosby sweater party (i don't even know what the fuck that is) make sure you leave me a comment that says HEY RETARD NICE JOB MISSING THE LOFT PARTY TO DO SOMETHING TOTALLY LAME YOU ARE SERIOUSLY RETARDED TO THE EXTREME.

so much better than a house party it's bigger and doesn't look all gay with gay magnet poetry all over the fridge or gay gel candles or whatever and louder and you get to listen to real music that is not gay. better than a bar because everything is all free and shit and all your friends are there and you don't have to look at a bunch of dumb mirrors that say sam adams on them or whatever. and you don't have to listen to morrisey or whatever the hell you call the idiot that sings that stupid brown eyed girl song i hate that song it is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. it's a good song for brown eyed girls to not feel so bad about the fact that their eyes are not interesting or beautiful AT ALL. practically everyone i look at tells me i have beautiful eyes. brown eyed girls on the other hand only get told they have beautiful eyes by their boyfriends and van morrison.

was i talking about loft parties?
last night i was sitting at a stop light on chicago and central and i saw a big yellow sign that said 'i AM living in a nice neighborhood.' that is fucking awesome. hey i AM living in a nice neighborhood.

i go to school in the middle of the projects.

too bad when i first started school there i didn't have a parking pass yet so i parked my car in front of these apartment buildings and walked like three blocks to class and then one day i noticed they were pretty shitty apartment buildings and then i realized they were actually projects and then i realized OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN PARKING MY CAR AND WALKING THROUGH THE PROJECTS FOR THE PAST FOUR DAYS.

see that white car in there? it's probably mine.

one day i met this pregnant girl who had moved and didn't know that many of the projects had been torn down. she'd come back to see her friends but her old building wasn't there anymore. she had never heard the name erin before and she decided she was going to name her baby erin but her boyfriend wanted to name it porsche so she kept repeating erin porsche anne! i wonder if she really named her baby after me.

i DO go to school in a nice neighborhood.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

wednesday bloody wednesday

chet riley had an art show yesterday. mad love to chet 'serpico' riley.

so i went to that with a friend but we got there early and it was freezing and it was snowing and we were starving so we ate at harolds chicken and then the car got towed.

we had to pick up the car at an underground tow lot downtown. we had to go inside a trailer. a trailer that was floor to ceiling wood paneling. wood paneling totally freaks the fuck out of me. one time i walked into this guys house that had wood paneling and also precious moments figurines. uh oh, i said. am i in hell? it turned out i wasn't in hell and i think that i am now desensitized to wood paneling otherwise this place probably would have given me a stroke. we didn't get the car. i went back to columbia and mandy picked me up. it was cold as fuck outside.

i left my backpack in the car. jenny rotten picked me up and we went to the double door. still fucking cold outside. she paid for me. THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR FOR GOOD TIMES AND BAD TIMES.

damien met us up there. british people are fucking adorable. KEEP SMILING KEEP SHINING KNOWING YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON ME FOR SURE. say it elton. pay for my red stripes and i will drink you under the table. damien used to live in a condemned estate called scum manor with a kid named fuck off phil. fuck off phil sold his soul to satan for his death metal voice. FUUUUUUUUUCK OFFFFFFFFFFF!

we saw some band jenny was friends with and then we saw some band called paper bullets or something i don't know if they were really that good but i totally have a crush on the girl now. like i wanted to run onstage and squeeze her and then kick her in the cunt. then we would be best friends and we could have sleepovers and eat burritos together. then we saw some other band and damien started screaming at them. i think he called them wankers and then dirty crackers or something and then he said 'where's the loo?' oh my god british people.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

i am mike tv

good thing i watch enough tv to know what will probably happen on thanksgiving.

before dinner with the fake family my fake oldest brother will keep coming up to me like 'psst, meet niko in the third floor study' or whatever but every time i try to run off my fake mom puts a bowl in my hands and is like would you mind mashing these potatoes or snapping these stringbeans or something. of course it won't go unnoticed that fake oldest brother keeps whispering to me and the rumor starts that there is SOMETHING GOING ON. everyone will think i am a homewrecking cunt shark and they will all start acting weird to me BUT I WON'T KNOW WHY. finally the truth will come out and it will be a great comedic relief HA HA HA. a valuable lesson will be learned by all about honesty and friendship. AWWWW.


i could have all my friends from school over to my apartment and IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE THAT SHOW FELICITY. it would be like a coming of age event like even though we are all in graduate school jason never became a man until i saw him carve a turkey or something. because we are trying to be like REAL ADULTS we would have to try making a turkey and fail miserably and i would cry because I FAILED AT ADULTHOOD and then other people would start crying because their mothers are meth addicted whores and this is the nicest thanksgiving they've ever had and then we will all laugh and hug each other and order a pizza and sing that's what friends are for. AND IF I SHOULD EVER GO AWAY WELL THEN CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TRY TO FEEL THE WAY WE DO TODAY AND THEN IF YOU CAN REMEMBER.

choose your own adventure: zany sitcom or wb drama.

public enemy number one

this kid hates me.

i don't know why he hates me.


this other kid used to hate me too. i think my dead body is in this picture.

the other kid doesn't hate me anymore. he probably will again. we have one of those things where we're at the video store and we start screaming at each other and then we go home and watch a documentary about amish kids on meth.

that first kid still hates me for no reason. i'm going to make him not hate me anymore.

and if that doesn't work i'm going to murder him.

you better watch yourself el chupacabra.


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

thanksgiving can eat a dick

when the hell is stupid ass thanksgiving. coming up. i fucking hate thanksgiving. fuck thanksgiving and fuck pilgrims. i'm not going to say fuck indians because they are already fucked and genoicided by white people. don't blame me i am a jew i'm pretty sure none of my ancestors raped and pillaged any native americans they just killed jesus MERRY CHRISTMAS.

i used to work at this gas station every year on thanksgiving like on purpose because i hate it so much and then i could be like sorry mom i have to work because I AM FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH GOOD ETHICS LIKE RESPONSIBILITY. also this italian kid that used to come in there all the time brought me a bunch of calamari and stuffed manicotti and shit one year which was awesome because I HATE THANKSGIVING FOOD IT IS TERRIBLE AND DISGUSTING. fuck turkey. it doesn't even taste like blood at all. what in the fuck is the point of eating a dead carcass if you can't even taste the blood of it. I HAVE NO IDEA. the worst thing is that on thanksgiving my mom makes like ten kinds of potatoes. potatoes are so disgusting they make me want to die. plus after i eat them i feel like i've been shot with ten tranquilizer darts. fuck religion being the opiate of the masses, potatoes are the fucking opiate of the masses. potatoes: keeping poor people lethargic and confused since 1501. also i hate pumpkin pie. pumpkin pie. WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?

too bad when i was younger every year my mom would like start crying and say WELL YOU'VE RUINED THANKSGIVING JUST LIKE YOU DO EVERY YEAR. i also ruin christmas every year and easter aka the holiday where jesus rose from the dead that is stupid to celebrate if you do not believe or give a shit about jesus rising from the dead like my family doesn't. i can totally ruin thanksgiving without trying it's not even hard. i think looking at my face ruins thanksgiving for my mom. here's a picture of some family fighting on the street on thanksgiving.

thank god anyway that my parents never established the stupid tradition of going around the table and saying shit that we are thankful for because i would be like UM I HAVE NO IDEA. i guess i could probably be like I'M THANKFUL YOU NEVER MADE ME DO THIS STUPID SHIT FOR ANY OF THE PAST THANKSGIVINGS. the only tradition we have in my family is that every year when we're about to eat my brother says 'dag erin, if i knew this was going to be that kind of party i'm gonna stick my SPOON in the mashed potatoes!' then everyone in my family laughs and pretends they get it. then we eat. i guess it's kind of like our version of saying grace. people that say grace before they eat freak the fuck out of me.

after i was old enough not to i pretty much NEVER CELEBRATED THANKSGIVING AGAIN. with my family. now i celebrate thanksgiving with my fake family. my fake family is awesome because they are not really related to me so they never say shit like that i ruined thanksgiving or like WHY DO FAILURE TO APPEAR IN COURT NOTICES KEEP COMING IN THE MAIL? the thing that sucks is that this year i think i fucked myself out of fake family holiday privledges by secretly fucking my fake brother for the past three months. A VC ANDREWS THANKSGIVING. jessica says i should just go anyway. probably i will. i guess it might be interesting to ruin a whole other family's thanksgiving by making half the people in the room feel TOTALLY FUCKING AWKWARD while the other half are like all oblivious and shit. what else i will probably ruin is the friendship of my fake family friend who will probably stab me in the throat with that giant fork you use to serve turkey when she finds out what is going on. IF I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE THAT KIND OF PARTY.

Monday, November 14, 2005

went to lava on saturday for jenny rotten's birthday. some guy was hitting on girls in line for the bathroom. you know. where they can't run away. i told him he had probably reached a new low.

too bad it was so dark in there i didn't know the walls were red and i didn't know jenny's shirt was brown. everything looked fucking black to me. if jenny emailed me her pics i would post one here of me and this fat old mexican dude that gave us a big ass bag of free tamales.

free tamales are the best kind. did you know you are not supposed to eat the corn husk? took the tamales to exit and set up a tamale station on the bar with hot sauce and shit. watched some british kid eat his first ever tamale.

yes we went to exit. EXIT. this is where all the daywalkers hang out. where the fuck is wesely snipes???

did you know this mcdonalds charges for condiments? also no walk ups to the drive thru window. FASCIST MCDONALDS.

friday i went to a party. i don't want to say it was boring but i will say it was the kind of party where it seems like you might as well run into the alley and play with garbage. okay i'll say it. it was boring. it can't not rain all the time.

woke up at 7am and walked to the great love of my life's house. then i slept some more. there. he has this one super soft pillow it's like the best pillow i've ever encountered in life. i've coveted that fucking pillow since i was 15. AND NOW IT IS ALL MINE HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

sundays are like black holes. fuck me over on sunday and i'll never even remember it.

Friday, November 11, 2005

twenty seven out of forty

psychology makes you uncomfortable. and it should.

at school i learn to be god. i can make you say shit you don't believe and i can make you believe it. i can make you do shit you don't want to do and i can make you think you enjoyed it. i can make you tell me things you don't even know you're telling me.

i can do this because you are all the same. and i'm the same too.

sixty five percent of you would electrocute someone if stanley milgram told you to. you're like no i wouldn't. yeah, yeah you would. does that make you uncomfortable?

you don't want to be that simple. you don't want me to be able to predict your behavior but i can because you are not different. we are all simple and so easy to figure out.

look at all the things we can make people do.


don't i know you?

i got the best email today okay it wasn't an email it was a myspace message yes i am back on myspace. suck it. anyway i got this message today from this guy i didn't recognize:

no subject

I think I poured hot candle wax on you once.

So how is Erin Gaia these days. I heard you were a Jew.

i take back everything i ever said about myspace. only something truly beautiful can reintroduce you to the people who poured hot candle wax on you when you were 18.

what a truly glorious invention that lets you find out what people who asked you to the prom are up to: posing for homoerotic black and white photos.

even though you looked like zach morris i am more glad than ever that i did not go to the prom with you.

re: no subject

yes i am a jewess. do you hate me now?

i have some pictures of you. in a dress.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

i have plans.

in the winter i want to have a party. i want to have a theme and i want to have awesome invitations and i want to have a soundtrack and i want to dress up for it. i don't know if i should be abigal foldger or squeaky.

in the spring i want to go to the annual convention for geeks i don't care where it is i want to go and i want to get drunk in the morning and then go to lectures where accomplished researchers tear each other to shreds before lunch. last year i was so drunk i somehow ripped the hems out of my pants and nam helped me staple them together. i miss you nam.

in the summer i want to drive west just west. then later i'll decide if i want to turn right or left and i want to end up somewhere nobody has ever been before because it's so shitty why would anybody go there and i will be the glamorous outsider in some dry crusty town and they will have a parade for me and i will stay in the shittiest motel ever like one of the ones with magic fingers and come stains all over the sheets.

in one year i want to defend my thesis and it will be so amazing that i won't even have any corrections and it will go straight to publication and i won't even have to do a rewrite and i will become a famous psychometrician even before i have my doctorate.

in five years i want to write a book and it will be so good publishers will be scrambling all over each other dying to publish it but i'm going to publish it myself so it doesn't end up with any gay as hell cover art and i'm not going to sell it at borders and then borders will go out of business and all the borders in the world will be turned into no kill animal shelters staffed by foster kids that will learn what love is by frolicking around with puppies all day long.

in ten years i want to design a house and i want to build it in las vegas so i can fly my dad out there to see all the big fights and maybe if he wants too i'll encourage him to become a boxing promotor and he will grow old smoking cigars and hanging out with bobby hitz and don king.

in twenty years i want to open a restaurant and i want to call it pie rarities and i want to make pear pies and grape pies and you know like rare pies. i want to have it in paris though so everyone will be able to smoke in there and i am going to smoke while i make pies maybe i will even make a super special pie and people will be like 'oh la la je dois sais qu'est dans la tarte?' and i will be like 'cigarettes.'

in forty years i want to be dead and i want to die laughing i want to die because i'm laughing i want to laugh so hard i actually die. that would probably be the best feeling in the universe. to die laughing.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

i already know

oh my god y'all i believe in horoscopes. i am totally filled to the brim with readiness to believe this week. do you believe in life after love?

here's what my horoscope says: when you run out of things to destroy you will eventually destroy yourself.

haha! i totally will!

i'm a sagitarius. buy me a river. i want books. and plastic jewelry, like old ladies wear. and art make me art. i like art featuring blood and flies. 12.13.

the more i love something the more i hate it and want to smash it.

what is wrong with me?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

fucken fate, boy

okay this weekend i was trying to watch laguna beach and the stupid satellite decided it didn't want me to have mtv anymore. you know what why the fuck do i say such stupid shit like 'my satelite doesn't want me to watch laguna beach' i need to stop giving human qualities such as desire to inanimate objects i am not four years old. it is obviously fate that i did not watch laguna beach. i feel much better now.

i thought maybe instead of watching laguna beach i was supposed to work on my factor analysis paper. or watch law and order on tnt. probably if i wasn't supposed to watch law and order on tnt it wouldn't have been on for seven fucking hours. i hope i get a sign that it is time to work on my paper soon. it's due on thursday. i will know it's time when a giant lightbulb comes shooting out of my head.

believing in fate is fucking awesome. fuck yes i don't have to do anything but sit around and wait for shit to happen to me. the fucked up part is that i don't think anything spectacular is really in the cards for me because as soon as i entrusted my life to fate i haven't been inspired to do anything besides drink and not go to work.

oops too bad as soon as i started believing in fate my iq dropped 40 points. now i am too stupid to figure out why people who believe in fate suck at life.

Monday, November 07, 2005

wait, what?

jessica 'i'll poke your eyes out' discovery says: question: circumcised or un?

erin 'i'll mace you with glade' mastermind says: wait, what?

jessica 'i'll poke your eyes out' discovery says: you took the pic you should remember.

erin 'i'll mace you with glade' mastermind says: ahahahahahahahah i don't know did you delete it???

jessica 'i'll poke your eyes out' discovery says: i was thinking maybe un.

erin 'i'll mace you with glade' mastermind says: i would really like to know how i forgot taking a picture of XXXXX's dick. what is wrong with me??

yes. i took some cock shots with jessica's camera on saturday night and then i forgot about it. i did remember bashing some kid over the head with a can of glade and macing him in the eyes with it after he body slammed me. i also remember spilling beer all over some giant liza minelli look alike girl who was running around yelling about her tits. jessica was gouging people in the eyes three stooges style. at like 5am i saw this kid that lives by me putting on his hoodie and i looked at the disgusting sludge covered floor that was going to be me and my new unwanted boyfriend's bed and i was like this kid is going to be my ticket out of here i don't care if i have to pay him $20 to ride me home on his handlebars. anyway i got to ride home in a car plus there were cheesy poofs and orange gatorade in there. yeah i want cheesy poofs! consolation prize for missing out on the tater tots it took four drunk people to make.

it took forty text messages and a phone call to realize how crazy that party actually was. like 'so do you think that one girl really fucked that one guy?' 'wait, what???'... 'yeah that was hilarious when everyone was emptying out their pockets.' 'wait where was i when this happened???'

i'm going to get a tattoo on the middle of my forhead that says 'wait, what???' then i won't even have to talk anymore.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

i woke up this morning and ate a big mac out of the garbage.

laying down feels so good it makes me want to die so i can lay down for all of eternity.

i am a lump today.

Friday, November 04, 2005

i love my car but fuck it

my liscence plates expired in 2004 isn't that awesome? fuck getting new stickers for my stupid liscence plates it's like if you have a car the stupid state and city and whatever thinks it can financially rape the shit out of you or something like the stupid car costs like however much, mine cost like 8k or something. too bad it was supposed to be like 11 and the only reason i got it for 8 was because i went in there like i want this car and i want to pay 8 for it including tax and title and i want to pay cash for it and i want it right now. damn it feels good to be a gangster. then i had to buy some fucking liscence plates for it that expire every year. whatever i refuse to fucking pay them money every year so my car can wear an id with the right colored sticker on it. that shit is stupid. there is nothing wrong with my yellow sticker that says june 04 on it. i'll get a new one when the old one falls off or something.

car insurance fucking pisses me off so bad i have to pay state farm like $700 every six months what the fuck i think i've paid state farm enough money i could have just bought a whole new car and that shit sucks. i should be like state farm's wet dream because they never have to do shit for me like i've never even been in an accident and i just keep sending them money. too bad if i had all the money i've ever sent them in the bank collecting interest i wouldn't even need car insurance because i'd have a shitload of money and if i ever wrecked someone's car i could just buy them a new one. oh wait i would still need insurance because it's illegal to drive without it. fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

fuck chicago and their stupid sticker they make me put on my car to show that i paid $120 for the priveledge of having a car in their stupid city. why in the fuck do i have to pay taxes on having a car that i fucking paid taxes on already when i fucking bought the fucking thing. and if you live in cook county and you buy a car in like kane county or whatever because you don't want to pay the astronomical cook county sales tax guess what they make you pay it anyway. then if you want to drive anywhere you have to pay taxes on the fucking gas you buy and then you have to pay taxes into a fucking tollbooth if you want to drive down the stupid expressways that make you want to kill yourself because traffic is so bad.

man having a car makes me want to kill myself and i fucking love my car. my car is fucking awesome i bought it myself and i fucking love driving i want to be a race car driver. plus i can listen to music in my car that i can never listen to anywhere else because i don't want anyone ever to know i like it. like the pixies. my brother doesn't even know i like the pixies. oh wait i guess he does now, hi eric.

last time i had a car it died in my parking lot also i lost my sticker that says i can park there so stupid lovetts towing wanted to tow my car and i'm like seriously guys i fucking live here and my car is dead so if you tow it i am going to be totally fucked so they didn't tow it but then like two hours later they did. what the fuck. so then i went to go pick it up and the stupid lady wouldn't take a check so i'm like okay i can cash a check and come back and she's like we're closing so i'm like i guess i can't get my car tonight then and she's like if you wait it is going to be like sixty extra dollars. what the fuck else am i supposed to do but wait i do not have any cash it's not like i'm bluffing and i have all this fucking cash in my sock or some shit you fucking idiot!!! so then i went back the next day and the stupid lady pissed me off so bad i was just like you know what i am not giving you any fucking money so you can just keep my car. she's like okay can you sign the title over? HELL NO I AM NOT SIGNING THE TITLE OVER TO YOU I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!!! so then i just left my car there forever. that's the story of how i didn't have a car for like three years then.

so yesterday i was pulling into the parking lot at school and out of nowhere my car jerks down all weird and makes this crashing noise i'm like OH MY GOD DID I JUST RUN OVER A CHILD??? no i just got a flat tire from nothing because god hates me. i seriously wonder if i should just abandon my car in the parking lot and never pick it up. that is pretty much how i make all my decisions in life. fuck. shit is not going how i like it? fuck it. when life hands you some shit just say fuck it and eat some motherfuckin candy.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

blah blah blah

the funeral was fucking amazing.

there were probably over five hundred people there.

probably two hundred of them cried.

i've never seen so many black suits in my life.

i smoked way too many cigarettes.

i don't think my blood is oxygenated enough to stimulate my heart and my brain at the same time. this is unfortunate because it means i've been retarded for a week. i'll write something good tomorrow, i promise.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

i saw everyone on friday. EVERYONE. al's birthday party was at smartbar and he spun and so did miles and benny the mooch was there working on illustrations in vip and schmoozing me into giving him money and billy was there standing behind me for 40 minutes probably waiting for me to acknowledge him and some kid i call chicken head was there bobbing his head like a chicken and tyrel was there being in general gorgeous and charming and laura and jenny rotten and xani bar were there and we danced like maniacs.

check it out i'm wearing earrings, can you tell xani bar dressed me?

it kind of sucked i cut all my hair off so i couldn't whip it all over people. i can still thrash my hair all over the place but i can no longer sting people in their eyes with it if they get to close to me and that fucking sucks.

miles and al spun awesome. like every good song i ever wanted to hear and i didn't have to wait in line and i didn't have to pay and i didn't end up stumbling around behind dumpsters even though i did get fucked to hell on vodka gimlets and lemon drops. i did go home and sit on my porch and eat a hotdog and xani bar did sleep in my bed with me but she didn't punch me in the face while i was sleeping so i guess friday night was a smashing success.

then on saturday my brother gave me a rubber chicken that lays an egg with a yolk in it and everything. i'm totally obsessed with rubber chickens. then jessica and tim came over and we passed around a bottle of jager and walked to a party. passing around a bottle of jager and walking to a party is pretty much awesome. we walked past my friend kris kristofferson on the way there (yes i have a friend named kris kristofferson) and he didn't recognize me either because i had on a pink wig or because he was totally fucked.

we went to a party and to another party and people were dressed up like ups men and hunter thompson and cheeterah and shit and people stumbled into the party drunker than i was and i took pity on them and let them sleep on my couch and nobody brought me a burrito or a tombstome pizza and then when i went to bed there were people in it but i was tired so i just dove in between them and slept. in the morning the girl was gone. maybe she woke up in my bed with a guy and a girl and thought 'OH NO WHAT DID I DO???'

sunday was sunday. i woke up way too early and got pissed at daylight savings time. FUCK YOU DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM JET LAGGED. daylight savings is totally the reason for my jet lagged-ness. it has nothing to do with the fact that i am a binge drinking junior alcoholic weekend warrior insomniac. nothing at all. then i hung out with my husband and talked about the cure (boys don't cry? yeah right, pretty sure robert smith cries all the time) and niko (glad she overdosed so we don't have to hear any more of her shit).

today i have to go to a funeral but this weekend i did a pretty good job of distracting myself.
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