Wednesday, August 31, 2005

desperate living

this guy thinks i'm boring.

go read his blog and tell him i write better than him.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

repo man

my friend jenny used to be a repo man. a 19 year old waifish repo man. she used to bring her brother along when she went repo-ing. sometimes she used to bring me too because seriously what else am i going to be doing that is going to be more fun than repo-ing cars. two 19 year old waifish repo men with a body guard.

we used to go at night and usually nobody would be around so it was pretty uneventful. we would knock on the door and the person either wasn't home or was hiding with the lights off or something and then we would take their car. the whole thing was mostly driving like we'd drive to a house and get a car and drive it back to home base and then drive and get another car. i guess it was kind of like delivering pizzas but better because you get to drive around a lot of different cars and you can see what kind of tapes people are listening to and if they have any drugs in their back seat. what the fuck were we thinking doing drugs we found in the back seat of someone's repo-ed car, i have no idea. like woah, there's a baggie full of white powder back here! let's taste it on our fingers like we are narcotics officers! hm, this is not cocaine. too bad so sad let's snort it anyway.

one night we repo-ed a black escalade. people love buying escalades they can't afford i think it was like the most repo-ed car in our brief stint as repo men. it had super tacky rims and a bag of coke in the glove box. so instead of taking the car back to the place right away we're getting totally geeked driving all around the ghetto listening to this guys crucial conflict cd. anyway, we're at a red light and this shitty gray ford escort full of girls pulls up next to us. they're totally checking out the car and we're like yeah, i guess they like our escalade or whatever, and we turn up the stereo even louder and start acting super obnoxious and the light turns green and we keep driving, we're totally having the time of our lives and the ford falls back and gets behind us. jenny is laughing and turns around and is like woah, they're super pissed or something! i can see them in the rear view mirror they're like gesturing all wild and getting super worked up.

so we pull up to another red light and they swerve up next to us and start fucking screaming at us through the windows like what the fuck bitches what the fuck you doing with ronnie's car? huh? you know ronnie you fucking bitch? they totally thought we were ronnie's white girlfriends on the side or something and we're like uh, do we tell them we're repo men or what? we're pretty much sitting there like a geeked deer in headlights and the girl reaches into the back seat and pulls out something shiny and runs around to the front of the car and for a second i was like please god do not let this crazy bitch shoot me in the face but it was just a bottle and the next thing i knew the windsheild was shattered and there was glass all over my face and jenny's like DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE and i blow the red light and we go flying the wrong way down this one way street and we're like flying around in this escalade forever until we are sure these girls are not following us and then we drive back to the place and in a cocaine adrenaline frenzy we open our mouths and this crazy explanation for why this car no longer has a windsheild comes spilling out of our mouths. we're like dude, jenny's brother, you totally have to go in there and explain this we are so fucked up, and we went to white hen and got this giant bottle of riptide rush and sat on the curb by white hen and drank this riptide rush and smoked cigarettes until our exhalations got longer and less forced and jenny's brother came out and told us everything was all good or whatever.

probably the only thing better than being a repo man would be being a bounty hunter.

Friday, August 26, 2005

round 2

so i walk into this talent agent's office or whatever and i'm like "i would like you to represent me for my act" and he's like "what act is this?" and i'm like

so i go on stage with my husband and our daughter and our adult baby. and he's like adult baby? i'm like yeah, you know, like our 45 year old baby fetish guy. so anyway, we're onstage and our adult baby is bawling and i'm like it's okay, mommy's here, and i put him on the adult baby size changing table and i start to change his diaper which is one of those cloth ones because i'm so environmental, and this god damn adult baby starts spraying explosive diarrhea all over the place! the shit gets all over my face and the fucking bitch daughter starts laughing! she's like totally doubled over laughing and pointing at me with fucking shit all over my face and i'm like what the fuck! so i look at my husband and he's all young lady, that is enough out of you, and he walks off the stage and comes back with this white pony and is like "do you want to know what happens to little girls that disrespect their elders?" and then he shoots the pony in the head and says "their pony dies." so the kid of course starts crying and is like mommmmiieeeee, what the fuck did you do to my ponnnniiieeeeee! and the adult baby is laughing and clapping like the retard that an adult baby is and the kid walks over to the adult baby and starts punching him in the mouth while i'm trying to wipe this shit off my face all over this stupid pony's mane or whatever and the adult baby and the kid are fucking punching each other in the face again and again and my husband takes his pants off and suddenly all these little jockeys come out of nowhere wearing these bright ass jockey suits like a pink one and a green one and a violet one, and they're leading these huge clydesdales that have all these bells on their bridles and the jockeys start jerking off these clydesdales and the clydesdales are just going crazy and the bells are jingling and the brat and the adult baby stop punching each other and turn around with blood smeared all over their mouths and noses and we're all just staring like WHAT THE FUCK and my husband is masturbating too and basically the whole thing culminates in a giant bukkake explosion all over the stupid dead pony but not before the kid screams NOOOOOOO and she throws herself on top of the pony just in time to get totally doused with clysedale ejaculation and my husband is the last one to come all over her and he pulls his pants up and looks at the audience and says "that is what happens when little girls misbehave."

and the talent agent is like "hm. interesting. so what do you call this act of yours?" and i'm like "the aristocrats."

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The dirtiest joke ever told.

A man walks into a talent agent and tells the agent he wants to represented for his act.
The agent says, "Hold on now, what's this act you speak of?"
The man says, "Well, it's a stage show. You see, on stage there is a kitchen set-up to look like the quintessential 1950's kitchen, but modern. Nice doilies and clean counters, and happy blue birds embroidered on the towels, etc. Then I come out and tell the audience I am going to show them dinner and a movie the way it ought to be. I say I forgot my family at home and that I will need to pick the new members out of the crowd. Unbeknownst to the rest of the audience, my REAL family is actually placed throughout. My wife is disguised as a blind woman in the front row with the family dog as the seeing eye-dog. My kids are back a few rows with a relative that pretends to be their parent. So first I pick the kids, and they, after some blushing, come down. Then I say I will need a woman to play my wife. I pick a different lady in the crowd, but while she is being bashful I notice the blind woman and instead pick her. Citing I can use the dog too.

Now the cast is assembled. I lay my wife on her back in front of the kitchen table. The kids stand around and eye her. I then rip open her blouse exposing her bare breasts. My wife acts a little surprised but plays along. I then walk the dog over and have it point it's ass over her chest. I fed it laxatives before the show so after some belly rubbing her blows it all over her. I say something of the effect of, 'Wow looks like dinner is ready kids. Let's get mom to the table.' and we then play light as a feather stiff as a board and raise her up an set her down gently on to the table top. Then i say the Lords Prayer. When I finish we all start scooping up the poop by the handful and just cram it in to our mouths. Then the kids start aguing over a particularly solid piece of waste, which results in a food fight. We start whipping shit everywhere. Mom wakes up (as she was presumably passed out), and starts laughing so hard she shits her pants. UH OH!, I say and peel off the dirty undies. We start throwing and eating mom's also. It's all over the stage, and so the dog starts eating the mixture too. Finally, I say 'Who wants desert?!'

Mom and sis both immediately start screaming, I DO I DO. So me and Jr. whip out our dicks and start stroking 'em in their faces. I yell, "We've got bukkake!" I blow my load pretty quick all over the wife, but the son's having trouble getting it out on his sister, so he reaches over and grabs my belt. He slides it out from my waist and wraps it around his neck. He just starts pulling away viciously stranglebaiting himself. Sis wants a cornhole so he turns her head to the side, and finally he shoots it in her ear canal. I mean right in. He is an ace when it comes to aiming that stuff. Now everyone is happy, mom is sucking off the dog, I'm pushing the poop laying around into MY butthole, the kids are getting along for a change, and then I get a great idea. I stand up yell, 'Hey everybody! We've got blockbuster tonight!' Everyone yells 'YEAH!!' I say, 'To the living room gang, I'll grab the popcorn.' and I head over to the microwave. Stage goes dark. Show is over. What do you think?"

The agent is nodding his head and rubbing his chin, "Not bad, but does it have a name? I mean what are we going to call this thing?"
The man says, "It's called the Aristocrats."

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

last night i dreamed i was bleeding.

it started with a nosebleed and then it was pouring out of my whole head.

i woke up and i was drooling like crazy.

i licked my lips and looked in the mirror and there was blood all over my mouth.

i bit the inside of my cheek while i was sleeping.

i went back to sleep.

i dreamed about blood all night probably because i could taste it. i was chloe in glamorama when she starts spraying blood everywhere and her internal organs come spewing out of her.

i stared at my mouth in the mirror it was all wet and bloody.

who can i call at 3am. a guy i know in paris. it was seven hours later there. i left a voicemail. my mouth is all bloody and i'm dying a violent death in my dreams.

my eyes started watering and i was scared blood was coming out of them. i looked in the mirror and my eyes looked huge and strange. i looked at them for a long time. i hypnotized myself with them.

i laid down and squinched my eyes shut and opened them and made everything all swirly. i chewed on the inside of my cheek.

if i had any gas money i would have gotten in my car and driven. driven far away.

Monday, August 22, 2005

non-anatomically correct barbie and ken are so 1952.

toys are fucking awesome. when i was little i had a bunch of barbies and me and my friend louisa used to bind and blindfold barbies and kens and take pictures of them doing sick depraved things to each other. fuck i wish i still had those pictures. yes i was a sick little kid who was totally into s&m. the secret lives of little girls.

i am going to design an incredibly detailed line of anatomically correct barbies and kens that you can actually make fuck. that is all little kids want. too bad no little kids' parents will buy them even though they should because seriously their barbies and kens are going to be fucking anyway so they might as well not be confused like i was when i thought i fucked my neighbor when i was seven except all we really did was lay on top of each other naked and move around. it's like if only i had a ken with a real cock instead of fucking lame ken with fucking breifs stenciled into his crotch i could have lost my virginity in second grade. i don't even know what is going on with barbie she has way too much space between her legs and there's nothing even there, or maybe a seam or something. yikes, a seam. female circumcision gone awry.

too bad if i had a kid and i found her barbie bondage photo stash which i wouldn't because i wouldn't be going through her shit in the first place i would definitely not yell at her because really there is nothing wrong with that and it's like why do people grow up and forget that they probably did the same type of shit when they were little. one time my mom found some pictures i drew of naked people and i fucking got in trouble. that shit makes no sense. don't punish your kid because they are sexual and you are scared of it. as fucked up as my kid would be at least it wouldn't grow up to be some sexually repressed individual that totally loses it one day and ends up raping a whore or whatever.

woah, i was totally going to write about my fucking sweet ass spawn action figures i don't even know where all of this came from it's like my brain just exploded all over the keyboard. blah blah i have opinions.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

a shoebox full of letters


the flag in my hand was cut off from the left side of the address labels i got from the veterans - why me?? anyway, here i am waving it to try to hold off the unknown in front of me. however i did too quick of a job and i had to try to draw my fingers back in just like i'm writing this card while at stop lights (there that's better behavior, oops i mean writing now). hey why do the lights turn green so fast when you want them to stay red - well another one of life's unanswerables like how come you're always missing one of the pair of two different pairs of socks from the dryer... we might never know - there are some things our species will never be able to comprehend. like why people go to college. i hope this smart talk phone card works ok and this other thing let's you know how devious the psycho-m corp is.


hey erin, i'm talking to you; yeh, you! don't make me say it twice, don't make me live a lie. there's too much trouble in the east already why kick the boiler it just might cause a shortage of silkworm pie - hey there - don't turn away, cause i'm talking to you, don't make me blow a hole up through the sky. now thank you, that's better behavior - wait quit kicking that mirror it's got feelings and more than one life that it owns. oops my man i'm sorry but my SMARTALK (R) just ran out of minutes, i gotta hang up the phone.


well assault my ears, abuse my audio canal. who do you want to regret they called? or is this a method of telling who can take it and who can't. well kick my mirror will you! throw out the baby with the bathwater baby it's up to you, but don't put the bathwater in my ice box or in my ear cause you'll see how quick i get wise. so wipe that mess-age off your lips and off your tape; it might sound like a sparkling gem of gods own cum to you but to me it sounds like a fart that took form and learned to drool. so blow off the lie my little neice, blow off the lie.

Friday, August 19, 2005


if you just can't get enough of me i wrote a blog on myspace today too.

wait, who?

one time we were at xani bar's parents house and aimee ended up fucking this 15 year old bisexual kid in the library on a tablecloth. she didn't know he was 15. we found out later. i was sleeping in xani bar's brother's room and i wake up to see my naked friend trying to get in the bed with us. i'm like WOAH! then like 5 minutes later i hear xani bar screaming erin! get the fuck out here! and she's standing in the library watching them fuck on the floor, on a tablecloth. good thing the situation was too hilarious for her to wonder what the hell i was doing in her brother's room.

anyway, i remembered that kid's name for years and aimee never did so just to be a bitch i'd always be like "hey, what was that kids name again?"

the other day i was over at xani bar's house and i'm like hey, remember when we went over to that guys house and the car broke down and we climbed on top of that building and you cut your hand and passed out at the sight of your own blood? and then later you fucked him on the pool table? what was his name? she's like, huh, i have no idea. i'm like wasn't it josh or something? jason? she had no clue.

forgetting people's names you fucked is hilarious.

what's even more hilarious is when you forget a whole person you fucked. like the whole event is lost. then your friend is like remember when you fucked connor and you're like i never-OH WAIT, I TOTALLY DID. probably that would be even funnier if the guy was like a good friend and you broke into your future apartment and ended up fucking and that was why you got evicted before you even moved in. then you could be like OH YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

it's good to have friends to remind you of these things.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

might as well live

i knew this kid in high school, d. may. i met him on the porch of this church right across the street from school. we used to sit there during lunch and smoke joints and cigarettes and the groundskeeper was totally cool with it as long as we didn't leave cigarette butts all over the place.

he had the best ever pair of shell toes. they were gray and made out of some super fantastic fabric or something. i was obsessed with his shoes. mostly we used to run into each other at the trestle and come up with these wonderful elaborate plans to do things we were never going to do.

one time we went all around drinking a 40 and he showed me all his tags. we ended up making out under a bridge.

then he shot himself in the face. that's the second dead person i've kissed.

yesterday i was at xani bar's house and we found some pictures of him. he looked ridiculously happy in them. we also found a picture of this kid medhi that sat in front of me in geometry. he used to turn around in his seat and read the notes me and diana were writing. usually they didn't say anything good. observations of what people around us were doing. stuff like "turn around, arrow is staring again." or "what is chris davis doing with his pencil???" then i would kick him in the ass and diana would throw a peice of paper at me that said something like "hey, kick that dude in the ass again!"

he was killed. i never kissed him. we weren't even friends outside geometry. i don't think he had that many friends. he probably never kissed a girl. he smiled a lot though.

kids in oak park die all the time. my brother's best friend hung himself in his garage or his basement or something. his birthday was yesterday. i can't imagine walking into ace hardware and like picking out a rope to hang myself with. i wonder what it felt like. like when the casheir said "have a nice day" or whatever did he smile and say it back?

if ghosts exist where are mine?


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

benny the bitch

one time i had this friend ben.

we used to hang out all the time. one time i was driving him home and i fell asleep behind the wheel. another time i set his hair on fire. being friends with me is fucking dangerous.

oh yeah, also i used to date his brother.

when we broke up ben fucking acted like it traumatized him. dude, don't be a little bitch.

so i dropped my dogs off at their house last night because i'm sick and didn't want to deal with them and ben's sitting there all shaggy haired wearing some kind of sweatband looking like a fucking tennis player reject from the seventies or something drawing pictures. pictures of bloody piles of bones and shit inside cages or something. anyway he looked at me like he wanted to fucking give me a colombian necktie or something. what the fuck. i pretty much pretended i didn't see him at all.

now my ex boyfriend just called me to make sure i'm not going to pick the dogs up until he gets off work because i guess ben is home alone and the subtext is that i don't want to run into him.

what the fuck is wrong with people? i heard he said something about wanting to slap the shit out of me or something. this fucking kid has beaten people FOR me and now he wants to beat ME? how the fuck do you go into such a rage over NOTHING?

you think you know people. makes me fucking angry.

Monday, August 15, 2005

fuck tha police

ess aych is back in the op. i drove out tonight to see him. i knew ess back when he was a beautiful manwhore, before he was ravaged by schizophrenia. i usually remember him drinking 40s in the park yelling "i got burnt by gonnorrhea! i got burnt by gonorrhea twice!" and not like drooling and medicated.

et came out too. we're like pulling up to the bar and xani bar calls all "come over right now." she just found out her boyfriend has another girlfriend. no shit. that is what happens when you date an ugly idiot who is so greasy the shit oozes all over you when you fuck. sick. i'm like seriously, he was fucking ugly anyway. let it go.

went to the bar. got drunk. blah blah blah. then we decided it would be a good idea to get 40s and drink at the pleasant home (big mansion with nobody living in it). watched some crackheads wander around the grounds. then the cops showed up. the first thing xani bar said was something about pigs and assholes. great.

this cop was a fucking douche. some austrian guy named schne bials or some shit. xani bar was calling him shit balls. we could hear some girl across the street getting fucked. she was fucking screaming her head off. i don't really know what happened but suddenly the cop was telling us to get laid as much as we can and xani bar was pretending to ride a mechanical bull and the cop was talking about skipping the date and going right to the fucking or something. i'm sitting there with my head in my hands thinking what the fuck is going on right now.

i'm not totally sure but i think he insinuated that he was going to handcuff us together and rape us with his baton or something. woah. i was totally planning escape routes in my head. so was et. xani bar was letting him smack her ass. what in the fuck is wrong with my friends.

none of us ended up getting raped, probably because i kept telling him DO NOT FUCK WITH US I AM SO SERIOUS through telepathy. cops are seriously fucking disgusting.

Friday, August 12, 2005

barely legal

i got so wasted last night i'm not even sure what went down.

i just checked my email and kristoferson sent me naked pics of xani bar!

the only thing i remember saying to him last night was "get off my brand new dick."

yes, i know someone named kris kristoferson.

he's like "send me back something good."

i also remember walking into the bar and hanses telling me i smelled like a little kid.

i don't know what that means but i hope i never hit puberty.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

theives army

i'm corrupting et.

she bought these new sheets or something and of course when i slept over the fucking harsh chemicals that i put on my face bleached the hell out of her pillowcase so we had to go to like ten different places to find the exact same sheets and now we're getting ready to return the fucked up pillow case and she's having some kind of moral crisis.

now she's like oh my god i'm a theif. no. a theif is when you are drunk and you knock on some nice asian people's door and they let you use their bathroom and you steal a whole bunch of shit from them that you don't even want. returning fucked up pillowcases, everybody does that.

i'm like why don't you just keep all the pillowcases and just return the sheets and be like um, there are no pillowcases in here. she thinks the store has a fucking spy tracking system that is like BEEP BEEP BEEP ALERT ALERT THIS GIRL JUST BOUGHT THE SAME THING TWICE BEEP BEEP. probably she thinks then a bunch of spy robots are going to pop out and put her in mall jail or something.

oh my god she just said she feels like she's going to throw up. this is fucked. i'm going to steal something at the store and see if she makes me go take it back. too bad if i ever had a kid and it stole something from the store which it definitely would because it came from me i would be like hell yeah, kid. that's why i'm not having a kid.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

i met some girls. none of use are afraid of spiders.

we progressed from martinis to shots of whiskey to beer and back to shots of whiskey again. then we frolicked.

they told me crazier stories than my crazy stories. and they didn't think it was weird that i let people burn me. what the fuck.

i stole the one girl's flip flops.


Tuesday, August 09, 2005

it's like necro said

sometimes you love something. like drugs, or an idiot.

lets just say you love drugs. you love breathing them in your nose and walking to the lagoon and climbing the trees and swinging down on the weeping willows even though it rips your palms to shreds you don't even care because all the dopamine flooding your synapses totally dulls the pain.

maybe you're like god this is fabulous all i ever do is run around with my friends and i never sleep and i'm laughing all the time, like necro said, I LOVE DRUGS. but then one day you are all sitting around on a bridge and you're not laughing and then you realize you have practically chewed your tongue off and you are looking into the water and your head hurts and you are like FUCK! you are coming down and maybe this is the first time you have come down on a bridge and not like on your couch in front of the fireplace with a glass of milk in front of you where everything feels perfect.

this is when if you love drugs you say i don't want to come down this shit sucks and it makes me want to cry and you eat another pill but it's not going to kick in for like 20 minutes and you want up now so you snort a pill on top of it but you're never going to get back where you were because you've already started coming down and all that's going to happen now is you are going to grind your jaw and give yourself the biggest migraine of all time. the shit will not be fun.

but you'll do it again and again and again and you'll take more and more every time but you're never going to get to where you're trying to get to wherever that is.

then maybe one day you snort a pill and suddenly you have like an epiphany and run into the bathroom and stick your head under the sink and inhale water deep into your nose and blow it out furiously and you do this like ten times and when you're done you'll feel total clarity or whatever. like woah, that's over and i feel fine.

oh my god drugs are an idiot.

some people are never going to get to where they are trying to get to wherever that is.

fucking let it go.


Monday, August 08, 2005


last night my brother calls me and is like do you still use that aol screen name smokey6199 or whatever? and i'm like uh, no, and he's like okay that's what i said and i'm like said to who and he's like dad said you got kicked out of aol or something but i'm like she doesn't even use that screen name anymore so whatever. i'm like kicked out of aol what are you talking about? my brother says someone is under your screen name or something and got in trouble under dad's account for saying something nasty. i'm like woah, what did they say? and he's like dad wouldn't tell me he was just like rarrrarrararaar i'm going to have to talk to erin about this.

but then! i remembered like a week ago this guy was over and he thought it would be hilarious to post on this message board like about how he is trying to save his fake marriage and oh yeah fake him and his fake wife are devil worshipers. so the next day i was probably hungover or something and i'm like hm, i'm going to reply to that post and he will never know it was me because I AM GOING TO USE MY SCREEN NAME FROM HIGH SCHOOL, HAHAHAH. i think i said something about bukkake or something. actually i think i said "you should try bukkake, you would probably love it you sick freaks." seriously i'm sure i wanted to say you sick fucks but i was probalby trying to be all demure and shit.

i do not even fucking believe i got kicked off aol for saying "bukkake." what. it's a real thing. what if i really like bukkake, i'm not allowed to talk about it? fuck that! what is aol a goddamn puritan or something??? seriously!

anyway i can't wait for my dad to call me and ask me why i'm suggesting bukkake as a marriage enhancer on aol message boards. i never thought i'd have the chance to discuss bukkake with my dad. awesome. i figure i'll just tell him if he would have hid his porn better when i was younger i wouldn't have known what bukkake was when i was eleven years old.

or else i could be like what dad, bukkake is beautiful, it's not my fault aol is a prude.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

everything changes everything stays the same

i feel like i feel when i get in at like 7am and it's light outside and i get naked and put on my triple five soul sweatpants and lay down in my bed and am so fucking comfortable and contented except it's like 3pm right now and i should not feel this way. probably this means i'm still drunk.

i'm pretty sure i had somewhere between 11 and 17 vodka and tonics last night. enough vodka and tonics to send me and lisa on a three hour quest for a burrito that spanned several zip codes.

vodka and burritos some things never change.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

a summer sac is a sweaty sac

once upon a time there were two girls named lisa and erin.

erin and lisa fell in love at a party and spent the whole summer drinking tequilla and hitchhiking and trying to get guys at bars to trace their nutsacs in a notebook.

lisa and erin moved in together and spent a year doing blow and going to shows and eating avacado tacos and baby potato burritos.

then lisa moved into a gray house and erin moved into a blue house and erin went over to lisa's house and drank ketel one out of the bottle and lisa went over to erin's house and curled up under the covers and cried because her boyfriend was a drug addict.

erin and lisa graduated and moved to chicago and one day erin was at the smart bar and she saw lisa's boyfriend and she ran over like where's lisa where's lisa and suddenly erin's face was all bloody and she turned around and said did he just hit me in the fucking face and when she turned back everyone was gone. erin didn't press charges. that was the end of lisa and erin.


fast forward to the not so distant future when erin and lisa met up at tank and ate sushi and got falling down drunk and had a fucking fantastic adventure. that is what is going to occur in the next 10 hours or so. yes i can predict the future. it's not hard how can i not have a fabulous time getting drunk with a girl that says a summer sac is a sweaty sac? tequilla loaded lisa is fucking brilliant.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

why i love boxing

if you're sitting in front you can wear a dress like you are at the opera or something. there's something about getting dressed up and jumping out of your seat and yelling and screaming and watching two people beat the shit out of each other that really does it for me. you might get blood on you. when the newspaper airs a photo of a guy hitting the mat so hard sweat explodes everywhere your screaming head might be in the background. good thing you wore earrings. you might even get to sit next to bobby hitz and butterbean because all the industry people know your dad and they're like "bobby mastermind!" and they all shake hands and you can smoke a cigar with a bunch of people dressed like pimps. i am going to be wearing a dress and smoking a cigar in heaven. did i mention you might get your picture taken?

even if you are not sitting in front getting your picture taken with blood on your dress and a cigar in your mouth boxing is still the best sport ever. there's no teamwork, because fuck teamwork, that shit is retarded. there is no i in retarded but the word team is practically in there. team sports suck because you have to pay attention to a whole bunch of people at once. fuck that shit. watching a good fight is intense. there is so much skill involved, and strategy.

anyway i'm all fired up about boxing right now because i'm going to this:

i'm not sitting in front so i'm probably wearing jeans and flip flops but maybe still smoking a cigar. probably me and my brother will need binoculars to see which one of the girls that holds up the cards between rounds is the hottest but that's okay. since we have cheap seats my dad got me an extra ticket so if you love boxing i will bring you.


Wednesday, August 03, 2005

lies and the lying liars that lie

i used to live with these guys and this girl lisa. the one guy used to sell and the other guy used to run him around. the runner was a fucking idiot because he was the one that was disassembling the door of the volvo that was IN HIS DAD'S NAME and stuffing it full of pounds of illegal substances and driving all around the state.

they used to drive to south bend indiana and it was so fucking annoying because they would be gone for like 16 hours and the phone would ring all day long with kids calling us frantic to know if they were back yet. sometimes they would take extra long and me and lisa would get bored and do some blow and get paranoid and wonder if they had been arrested. if those idiots are in jail i am not bailing them out, i would say. then they would come home and our house would turn into a fucking street pharmacy for the next three hours with scales and baggies and all these kids milling around.

then the idiots would complain about being tired and sore from sitting in the car all day and they would want me and lisa to make them sandwhiches and rub their shoulders and shit and we would be like shut up.

anyway like a week ago i was driving through indiana and i saw a sign for south bend after i had been driving for like two hours. TWO HOURS. i really wanted to call those guys like hey, it only takes like three hours to drive to south bend WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU GUYS GOING? i mean what do you really do in indiana besides get your dick sucked at a meth house? maybe they were like on the down low. man, fucking liars.

Monday, August 01, 2005

woah, i found notebooks from high school. awesome.

what the fuck is going on in this study hall?

1. There are no windows in this room
2. Amy's desk has three screws in the middle of it, no idea why
3. why is jason looking so close at his book? is he blind? or just studying hard.
4. this girl in here thinks $16 for a hello kitty lunch box is a bargain.
5. why is glasses all dressed up, he even has a brand new pencil behind his ear.
6. theres these squares in the wall that maybe are secret panels or something.
7. stefano scotto had to go to el freshmen supporto.
8. glasses never even wears his glasses anymore. glasses new name is contacts.
9. somebody started to carve OPRF sucks into this desk but they only got to OPRF s
10. when jason is sleeping it looks like he has a new head.
11. glasses needs a new excuse to get up besides to sharpen his pencil because the pencil sharpener doesn't even work.

apparently this is what i did every day in study hall. wrote down everything that everyone was doing around me.

here's another good one:

"on friday i went to kevin pele's house and got drunk and watched neon maniacs, pretty much because i'm going to get him to let me put my books in his locker because i walk past it like ten times a day and when am i ever near my locker? never. what the fuck was i thinking, because now i'm in family living and he keeps messing up my hair and writing on the back of my neck. oh well, this class is so boring anyways."

i totally love how i was whoring myself out to some kid so i could put my books in his locker and alleviate boredom in family living. yes, i actually took a class called family living. i also took a class called journal writing. that's what these notebooks are from. awesomest class ever. we had to write like 20 pages a week about whatever we wanted and that's it. then in class we just sat around and talked about stupid shit. like one time we discussed whether or not it was cool to have sex with a girl when she has her period. ms. levine thought it was all good. lonnie did not. i think he called her a dirty bitch.

ah, high school.
Listed on BlogShares