Sunday, July 31, 2005

self induced insomnia

ghetto buck is back from ohio like forever. yes. our first measure of business was to form an acoustic daft punk cover band. then we made up a dance where she pretends i have a dick and she's sucking it and then i pretend i'm coming in her mouth and then she wipes her mouth and smooths out her eyebrows with it. pretends to. whatever. it's pretty much illegal.

alyssa was like woah, look at this drummer you probably love him he's an ADD monkey. it's true. love for ADD monkeys practically emanates from my pores. so i decided to stare at him and make him nervous. we had a staring contest. later the ADD monkey was selling some adderol to my friend and i'm like "hey you should give me some of those. for free." i didn't even want them i just like to test my theory that i get everything i want. so yeah i didn't want them but of course i ate them anyway. like why not.

then i did some other stuff. i don't know. sat on a fire escape and watched some people smoke a joint. stole some guinness glasses from the bar. ended up driving this kid to his place in west town. i think he might have fallen in love with me a little bit or something. when we got to his house i practically pushed him out of my car while it was still moving. i think he was talking about poetry he wrote or something. i'm totally the wrong person to try to impress with that shit.

now i'm all fucking geeked and shit and i just finished off this bottle of fucking ferdinand peiroth wine from the nahe region of germany or something and it's supposed to be making me crash out but it's fucking not. what the fuck ferdinand peiroth, why in the fuck must you fail me now?

okay, i'm going to hit myself in the head with a skillet now and see if i can knock myself out.
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saturday night

last night we went to the darkroom. there was a line like down the fucking street. me and sasha sat at the bus stop. we're like

i never wait in line.

no, me neither. it's like if i have to wait in line i won't go.

pretty girls shouldn't have to wait in line.

seriously.

we decided not to wait in line so we walked to sonotheque where we decided not to pay a fucking $15 cover.

if i don't know someone that can make me not have to like wait in line and pay 15 fucking dollars, i'm not going.

sasha is fucking awesome. she shares all my opinions on waiting in line, paying, and being pretty. we also shared similar ideas about thai food, ibiza, and rolled up pants.

we got into the car and drove to smart bar. tyrel had to put his hair in a ponytail beause it was way too outrageously long and blowing all around. we didn't wait in line. bruce and i smoked some cigarettes.

i got drunk and danced but i was pretty much just going through the motions. then i decided i was going to dance to the music in my head which is what should have been playing but wasn't. some super enormous dude was standing completely still right next to me. i pretended he was my body guard. i tried to get him to move by shaking my hair all over his face but it didn't work. then i smashed into all the people that were in my way.

i wasn't drunk enough. i ate some cheetos.
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Saturday, July 30, 2005

how i spent my summer vacation

this weekend i bought two books and made a girl cry tears of joy and drank a martini and had sex in the kitchen and smoked a lot of lucky strikes and laughed at people who work on fridays and had a hangover and ate thai food and went to horror rama and drank vodka out of a water bottle and saw house of 1000 corpses for the first time and didn't have a hangover, HELL MOTHERFUCKING YES.

buying books is good because you can read them and not be bored, and i get bored, like every five minutes.

talking to a girl you shunned for a year and making her cry out of joy is good because that is how you know you are awesome and everybody wants to be friends with you.

drinking a martini is more awesome when you have olives but on the other hand olives make you fat.

having sex in the kitchen is good because then you get bruises on your spine and you look like maybe spikes are going to come shooting out of your back which is a pretty good look for anyone.

smoking lucky strikes is good especially when you are smoking them at home and not like on a smoke break. people who work on fridays are funny. thank god it's thursday bitches.

thai food is good, duh.

horror movies are good, especially when you watch them with your friend who has already seen them but gets scared anyway and tries to grab your hand but can't because your arms are inside your sweatshirt. also it is good when your friend's parents (aka your fake adopted family) are in love with horror movies and they drive you to horror rama so you don't have to pay for parking and they play horror movie soundtracks in the car and feed you cheese and cookies and chicken ceaser salad wraps.

not having a hangover is better than having one. having a hangover sucks because it makes you not want to drink anymore but then you eat a grilled cheese and like five hours later you are drinking again.

and there are like two more days left of the weekend. yes. tonight i am going to get trashtastic at the darkroom for prince vs. michael jackson. yes, this is as cool as it sounds. two djs spinning rare tracks from and tributes to prince and michael jackson. i'm staying at xan's house.

i bet her dad will make me breakfast in the morning.
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Thursday, July 28, 2005

am i a bigger megalomaniac than bret easton ellis?

last time i tried writing this story for some reason i started to feel like i was going to die. i tried writing it again last night and it did the same thing. i wondered am i allergic to my story? then i realized that even though i wasn't writing about myself i was. then i realized that everyone in every story i've ever written is me. one time i wrote a story about a megalomaniac. people read it and were like that girl on the bus is totally you. too bad i probably put myself on the bus to distract myself from the fact that i was already on the bus in the form of my fucking patrick bateman-esque main character. like if i figured out that my fucking brain thought i was an american psycho it would probably make me want to die or something.

is this normal? probably not or else how did bret easton ellis write that fucking book without going fucking insane??? thinking about being a greater megalomaniac than bret easton ellis sucks. time to think about something else. is it okay that i liked glamorama?

oh wait, he did go fucking insane. that is why his new book is about himself but not himself.

uh...is it okay that i liked glamorama?


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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

leave the money on the dresser

">my new best friend commented me a totally spectacular picture of a dead bird on myspace today.

pretty much the awesomest shit ever. plus i got a bulletin about danny the wildchild spinning tonight. for free. and like dollar beers or something. suddenly i don't hate myspace so much that i want to cleave it in half with a butcher knife and throw it's dead carcass off the roof.

i also got a message from a guy named ken, from oak lawn. ken is 43. a "generous older man." ken sounds like a really great guy. and he likes to have discreet fun! and he's married!

how the fuck did ken find me? does he love rawkus records? like he was searching profiles for rawkus records and then he found me and my technicolor profile photo, and thought, wow, this chick would probably love to listen to company flow while getting the shit fucked out of her discreetly in a best western in the fucking south suburbs! yeah right.

god, now i feel dirty.

i bet ken is a fucking project manager at smurfitt stone or something. and he probably wears short sleeved button down shirts and he probably has a fucking gut and skinny white legs. he probalby is sunburned from his fucking family vacation when he took his kids to noah's ark in wisconsin dells or some shit.

i'm going to go throw up now.

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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

why?

my friends date idiots. i usually try to let them know.

"hey, i'm not sure, but i think your boyfriend may be an idiot."

"your boyfriend is a real idiot, no?"

"god, could you please break up with that idiot before i go insane???"

"YOU ARE DATING THE BIGGEST IDIOT OF ALL TIME!!!!"

then they break up and i have to get them drunk and tell them they are pretty. then they get back together. then they break up again and the idiot moves into a trailer in indiana with a girl named mickey. then i have to get them drunk and ask them, did he even know how to read? i'm serious.

these idiots reduce my friends to idiots. then i'm fucking surrounded by idiots. then i end up sitting in a car driving by some idiots house repetitively like now his lights are on now his lights are off now his lights are on! then i end up aiding and abetting my idiot friends with their idiotic breaking and entering schemes. thank god i never went out with any idiots. too bad if i did i would rather just leave then be reduced to a fucking driving-by-house-calling-from-random-payphone-trying-to-hack-into-his-email-idiot. i have to draw the line when they try to get me to go to the idiot's work and spy on him. that's when i say ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED, HE IS SERIOUSLY THE BIGGEST IDIOT OF ALL TIME PLUS HE'S UGLY ANYWAYS! GET THE FUCK OUT!!! then i have to smack them around a little bit. after that it's like they just woke up out of some kind of coma or something. they shake their head around and are like woah, i don't believe i dated that idiot.

then they find a new idiot.
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Monday, July 25, 2005

goes together like...

probably the best thing to do before you are about to drive for 10 hours is get really drunk and not sleep. also don't take a shower and you will look like a strung out crack whore for your road trip and every time you accidentally look at yourself in the side mirror you will throw up a little bit. then you have to get coffee. make sure you get the shittiest coffee ever that has been sitting out all night and is so stale you can't even drink it. put like seven creams and sugars in it and drink it anyway. that's what we did.

oh my god i get so hyperactive in the car it's probably totally fucking annoying. the first think i did was make this sign and show it to all the stupid drivers.

i was so geeked about making this sign that i spelled it wrong. i'm so super smart. et didn't want me to tell the other drivers to kill themselves. she thought it was mean. i showed it to some corrections officers.

we ate some pudding with our tongues because we didn't have any spoons. et was doing something sensual with hers. pretending the chocolate part was a black girl's pussy or something. then we got some double shot starbucks thingies. then i became even more hyperactive and started calling everyone fat bitches including myself. oh my god i am such a fat bitch.

i think i accidentally got some of my annoying on et because then she opened all the windows and blasted lords of acid while we were sitting in traffic. i think she said something like "hey, let's make everyone miserable." i was like hell yeah, kill yourselves you fat bitches.

i tried to explode cars with telekinesis but it didn't work. et wouldn't let me throw garbage at the stupid other cars. she said i was going to get us killed. if i can't litter all over the highway what the fuck is the point of being in indiana? i don't do meth.

i drank like 18 bottles of water and then i made et take me to every rest stop in the world. i also smoked 200 cigarettes in her car. she doesn't smoke. god i must be so fucking adorable to be able to get a way with this type of behavior.
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Sunday, July 24, 2005

step to the rhythm made out of brown paper

i love dancing.



i like dancing to house music because that is what it is for.

when i dance i think i pretty much shake my hair and spin around a lot. if i'm really into it i also do some subtle foot stomping. sometimes i get super hyper and jump up and down.



i go out dancing with gay guys and they tell me i am fucking adorable. so it must be true.



everyone knows how to dance even if they don't know it yet.
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Thursday, July 21, 2005

green line super star

i finally saw lonnie today. lonnie is my friend to the end that i met on the train. i was listening to my ipod super loud and he asked me what i was listening to. handsome boy modeling school (white people). prince paul? from de la soul? yep. and the gravediggaz. real hip hop! that's pretty much how our conversation went. there was also a lot of handshaking. like every time i said something he either shook my hand or bowed a little. it was cute.

another time we were on the train and he let me listen to his earphones (the new common cd) and i let him listen to mine. i know, i could barely believe i was letting a person i met on the train put my earphones IN THEIR EARS. it was like a whole new world for me.

so i made him a cd and then i didn't see him for a while but i finally ran into him today so i gave him his cd which he was super excited about. so we were talking and the kid in front of us turns around and starts talking to us too and lonnie shows him the cd i made and the kid is like shit how come i never met anybody on the train that wants to make me anything? then he's like i'll make you a cd if you make me one so i'm like, okay, even though i have never seen this kid on the train before and i probably never will again.

wouldn't it be fucking awesome if people on the train made each other cds all the time? and they could pass them all around to each other and trade them and shit? i think that would pretty much be the awesomest shit ever.

it would all be thanks to me, because i paid it forward like haley joel osment (ew, haley joel osment i hate you, i was so glad when you died of aids on walker texas ranger. hahahahahhah hahahh).

i totally enjoyed taking the train today even though there was an onion by my foot and it smelled like a tuberculosis infected puddle of piss.
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working at a gas station is awesome if you know...

...HOW TO FUCK THE MORNING PERSON



1. pull a bunch of lottery tickets out of the roll. rip off a middle one. stuff the rest back in the case. play it. throw it away. watch the morning person get arrested for lotto fraud.

2. throw out the latex gloves. leave your boss a note about how you couldn't clean the bathroom because you couldln't find the gloves. this is especially good if someone has smeared shit all over the place. one of the morning people who care about their job way more than you do will clean it up. laugh at them.

3. when you're counting the cigarettes at the beginning of your shift record it as five packs short. take five packs of cigarettes. the morning person's shift end count was probably off anyway because hello, the morning person is a 40 year old lady named heidi that works at a gas station and can barely read. the morning person will get written up. watch them grovel.

4. take a twenty out of your cash register when you open it. call your boss all frantic and tell him when you opened your drawer it was $20 short. go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol. if your coworker is cool take turns drinking it on top of the walk in cooler. if your co worker is really cool lock the doors and drink it on top of the walk in cooler together. if you don't want to get in trouble for this turn the power off before you do it and pretend it's a blackout.

5. tell your boss you think the morning person is a theif.

6. take a twenty out of one of the bundles in the safe. the morning person will be too stupid to count the money before they put it in their drawer. imagine the morning person closing out their drawer and spending an hour counting and recounting trying to figure out how they are coming up $20 short. laugh.

7. figure out the morning person's code and use it instead of your own to get into the gas station at night for cigarettes because you are totally geeked and ran out. grab cigarettes for everyone. forget to lock the door on your way out. watch the morning person get fired. goody, a new morning person.

8. ask your boss why he can't hire an honest morning person for once. act dismayed and ask for a raise. tell the morning person you make three dollars an hour more than they do. laugh at them.

9. lather, rinse, repeat.

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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

am i manic?

last night i started to write a story but after like three pages i realized i only had one sentence. the longest sentence in the history of writing probably. it's like eight pages long now and i just stopped in the middle of it when i realized i was probably going crazy. i should probably just make it into a whole book. i bet when people read it they would like get headaches or heart attacks or something and they would probably feel all frantic and have panic attacks because they wouldn't know when to stop reading and then at the end it would just end in the middle of the sentence and they would be like WHAT THE FUCK??? after i finish writing it i'm going to go back and change the first sentence into an incomplete one that can hook onto the end so the whole thing will be an infinite loop. a literary ouroboros.

what is wrong with me?

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

i love girls

you know how some girls hate other girls because they are like god girls are just so in general not cool. i used to be one of those girl hating girls.

one time i was friends with this one girl and her bitch ass sister accused me of stealing barbie clothes or some shit so then i didn't get invited over anymore. like any of my barbies ever wore clothes. i didn't paint nipples on them so i could cover them up with a fucking pink dress with stars on it or whatever. that is what girls do, they tell on each other.

then i had this other friend that got pissed at me because i could do better cartwheels than her or something stupid so she brushed my hair with a disgusting dog brush and laughed. then we had a fight and she pulled my hair and poked me in the eye. i'm all, dag, girls are fucking retards.

then i was friends with guys only for a long time. that was fucking awesome. those sluts loved me more than patrick swayze. if you listen to good music and wear shell toes with knee socks and wife beaters every day you can totally dominate a whole group of guys. they used to call me last word and i got to decide all arguments and ambiguities as well as having total veto power. it was like being the fucking president or something.

then i somehow ended up with these three girls that were fucking awesome. one of them was dangerous one of them was slutty and one of them was dumb. it was so fucking intense with these girls that sometimes i wasn't even sure if i was breathing or not. girls are way wilder than guys.

one time the dangerous one got a big bag of coke and was like nuh uh, girls only, we have to lose these guys. she said that guys don't think girls can do anything and they will totally take over this bag that we procured like we can't cut our own lines and roll up our own dolla dolla bill. so we probably told them we all had to change our tampons or something i don't know anyway they all got out of the car and had some shopping cart races while we got totally fucked in my car and listened to tricky. there's nothing sexier than blowing coke up your nose under a streetlight while a girl holds your hair back for you.

later when we were coming down and we were all laying on the floor and one of my awesome guy friends tried to make out with me the slutty one rolled over and got under my blanket with me and was like leave her alone she's all mine and kissed me on the cheek. that's when i was like huh, girls are fucking awesome and i love them.

not all girls will tell on you and talk about boys and lipstick all the time and poke you in the eye. not all girls cry and talk about how they have their period or whatever. not all girls hate to get dirty and can't venture into the woods if there's not some guy there to hold their hand. shit, i'll hold your hand and i'll hold your hair, and i probably won't try to date rape you later either.

i fucking hate girls that hate girls.
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what the fuck is wrong with people.

when you're watching a preview for a movie like kangaroo jack do you ever think about the fact that such a movie was made? like not only did someone think that was a good idea but then a whole bunch of other someones did too. that is probably because people are idiots. and because people are idiots stupid movies like probably kangaroo jack are number one at the box office. i would rather take my kid to see a dirty shame than kangaroo jack.

anyway my dad gets unedited proofs all the time at work and he usually gives them to me which is awesome because i get free books with mistakes in them that i can find so it's like a book and a puzzle all at once. anyway the last book he gave me was called something about better than sex chocolate or something so we thought it was like a cookbook or whatever. i didn't really want it in the first place because i don't love chocolate and i also hate when chocolate gets called better than sex because it's not and if you think it is then you are probably that fat bitch cathy from the comics and you should slap yourself.

then i opened up the book and brace yourself it's even worse than i thought, it's a self help book. it's not about chocolate at all, it's about using chocolate as a metaphor or something. the first chapter is called discovering the sweet center and it's about learning to love yourself. i'm not kidding. it even has a little chart where it's like if you are sweet and light you have a raspberry center and if you are dependable and pensive you have an almond center! i wish i made that up.

an actual person thought it would be a good idea to write this. but i guess that's not any weirder than ann geddes thinking it is a good idea to dress babies up like pumpkins and bumblebees and photograph them. the weird part is that this idiot probably has like a literary agent and a publisher and a whole bunch of other people that are probably crying under their desks right now because they just realized they didn't get into the business 20 years ago to sell their souls to the devil and publish books that are so bad you can't even figure out if they are for real.

okay i found it for you, read it and weep.
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Monday, July 18, 2005

i think i had a five day weekend

this weekend i climbed on a building. climbing on a building is awesome, i don't even care. if you think you're too cool to climb on a building you're probably like the opposite of cool and totally delusional also.

i ate some italian food. some fucking raviolis with delicious cheese and spinach in them and some kind of fucking fabulous oil on it and i think there was also nutmeg on there or something. i don't know but i loved it so much i didn't even care when it knocked me out and date raped me.

i also climbed on a tree and did an amazing monkey swinging dismount which was so totally spectacular but then later i climbed it again and fell out. i used to live in a mulberry tree. it had everything you need. branches, shade, food. climbing a tree is so awesome even when you fall out onto gravel.

me and mandy did some cartwheels and shit in a field. then i think i went in a paddle boat. then i went in a lake. i tried to smoke a cigarette in there and i broke it. so i guess you are not supposed to get a cigarette wet. huh.

when i woke up my hair was all curly and i had bruises and shit all over me. that is normal but i have to go to a wedding this weekend and everyone is going to be like woah, that girl obviously ran through a gauntlet of midgets swinging rakes and shovels and shit! so i guess i'm going to have to invest in something i never wanted to invest in and that is nylons or pantyhose or whatever retarded word you call those retarded things teachers wear. maybe after i'm done with them i'll put them on my head and rob a stop and shop or i could asphyxiate myself with them while masturbating or something.

i made some pasta too. it had sun dried tomatoes in it and capers and shit. i make food and wear panty hose. i'm donna reed.
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Thursday, July 14, 2005

ch ch ch changes

i'm getting a new roommate and a new apartment and a new neighborhood.

my new roommate is the girl that has everything and i'm going to read all her books. it is going to be absolutely fabulous and we are going to wear fishnets and pretend we are patsy and edina and run through the alley scaring hipsters and documenting it on her fucking awesome as shit digital camcorder.

our apartment is going to be fucking awesome. we are going to make a giant sign that says TOTAL RETARDATION PROHIBITED. probably we will have a balcony or a porch or something and we can sit on it and drink mimosas for breakfast. or she will drink champagne and i will drink beer and v8, the breakfast of champions.



hopefully we will never be this bored.
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

yes i still like to play dress up

i never is not that good of a game to play with 2 people.



especially when the other person already knows all the idiotic things you ever or never did.



they will get you drunk a lot.


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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

dirty and drunk

i am a dirty motherfucker. i realized this when i picked up a dish in the hostel that was still kind of wet and i dried it on my ass. while i was doing it i was like my ass is great. not only can i wipe my grimy hands on it i can also wipe a clean dish on it. then i was like woah, that's totally unsanitary. especially since i have been wearing these jeans for ten days. ten days of sitting on the street. then i ate off it. don't worry i didn't die.

that's a lie actually i have known i was dirty since xan pushed me down in the mud and i rolled around in it. i'm a fat pig.

people that do not like to get dirty are fucking boring. if i wake up in the morning and i have dirt all over me i know i probalby did something awesome the night before. if there is also blood on me i know it was probably like super awesome.

one time me and my friend laura were drinking on this trestle. i had to get her super drunk and hold her hand while we walked across the tracks to get her agree to go up there. she was asking me what it felt like to fuck. later we saw a snapping turtle and i chased it into the des plains river. woah, e-coli. then she wrote a song about me called dirty and drunk. it was probably the best song ever written.

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Monday, July 11, 2005

are you there god? it's me, margaret.

birth control pills are fucking awesome. fuck yes in their fucking awesome pink case that you can carry around and feel in general awesome about having all the great no condom sex you want.

just don't have any no condom sex with anyone dirty. if you don't know if he's dirty just look at him. is he surrounded by a cloud of dirt and bugs like pig pen? oh my god i am just kidding you can totally not tell if a guy has trichomonas or the high five by looking at him. just ask all your slutty friends that already slept with him.



birth control is so fucking awesome you can even give your friends homemade abortions with it. handfull of birth control = morning after pill. fakey morning after abortions at the free clinic of erin are so awesome.

birth control is so wonderful not only can you not have an abortion you can also not have a period. that is fucking awesome because who really wants to have blood coming out of them when they aren't dying? fuck the cycle of life. unless you are like some natural hippie that thinks having a period is beautiful or if you totally enjoy stuffing cotton in your vagina or something.

probably it would be hilarious if your girlfriend wasn't on birth control to dose her. skip the placebo pills so she misses her period. she will totally think she is pregnant and she probably won't tell you. you can totally mess with her during this time. after she finds out she is not pregnant she will be be super happy but still nervous at the same time. that will be the perfect time to try to get her to do it in the ass. good thing if any guy ever tries this on me i am going to be like "i invented that shit!" then i will realize the guy is crazier than me and i will totally fall in love.

margaret sanger's all fuck yeah, that's what i'm talking about!


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Saturday, July 09, 2005

that is the stupidest idea i've ever heard

last night we left elgin at 8pm and started walking towards chicago. we walked through towns i've never heard of before like itasca and medinah.



we is me and dan. dan is famous. he invented the front side roundoff. i hate him.

we went to a bar in roselle that had karaoke. a girl was singing oops i did it again. i'm pretty sure there were only two bars in the whole town. this guy asked dan if he knew him and then he was like you aren't from around here are you. um, no. then he came back and told dan he was hot. then he told him he looked like shit. dan's like let's get the fuck out of here before the rosellians decide to stone us to death in times square. if there had been a back door we would have snuck out it.



we walked past a holiday inn and saw some crazy cars made out of coffins and shit. itasca lasted forever. or was it wood dale. there was a long stretch of barbed wire fence. i think jurassic park was on the other side. there were rabbits everywhere.




sometimes we walked on the sidewalk and sometimes there was no sidewalk and we had to walk on the shoulder of the road. we walked around a huge curve surrounding the airport. we took pictures of invisible planes taking off.



the sun came up while we were eating skillets in schiller park. i had the al and andy's special. it was so fucking special i forgot how to walk after eating it.

it only took us like 11 hours to get to chicago. and probably 11 dunkin donuts. i didn't take any pictures in chicago. probably because i was too busy saying are we there yet and watching dan stumble around.

please send pain killers. and muscle relaxers. and nachos. thank you.
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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

i am a fucking poetic genius

you hold my hair and i'll hold your hand
because you have no hair. like moby.
yeah, i said it. MOBY!
all over the dishes. vodka and cranberry
it's the color of love!
right after that we can fuck on the floor.
not.

you hold my hair and i'll hold your hand
because you can't stand up
and i don't want to puke in my hair
i just want to puke in the sink
all over the dirty dishes.
oh wait that's not what happened!
i thought you were going to rape me
so i locked myself in my room
and you drank a fifth of cheap vodka
and probably cried
and puked in the sink.
now i remember.

yes you held my hair while i held your hand
or at least that's what you told everyone.
like i would puke in my own sink.
thank god you were gone in the morning.
your new name is pukes in sink mike.
pukes in sink mike pukes alone.
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being back to work is fucking awesome FUCK YES I LOVE MY FUCKING CUBICLE! LOVE IT SO MUCH I WANT TO MARRY IT!!!

i bet the only time any of my coworkers thought of me when i was gone was when they were doing stupid QA shit like filling out scantron forms in every possible response combination ever. they were probably like "fuck filling out scantrons! i have a phd! where the fuck is that girl that doesn't have a phd???" except instead of scantrons they probably said "fuck filling out op scans!" did you know that scantron is a brand? like xerox? they hate it when i say scantron here.

i'd like to give a shout out to whoever invented the word scantron. it makes me think of a fucking robot from the future that scans awesome future robot tests with lasers shooting out of it's eyes or something.

if i knew my boss wasn't going to be here today i would have worn jeans to work instead of these fucking pants my mom got me at ann taylor. she also got me a pink cardigan. when my mom buys me clothes it is almost like she has never seen me before. needless to say i am not wearing it. one day i will work from home and i will not even have to wear pants.

hopefully that day will be tomorrow.
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Sunday, July 03, 2005

what to do when there's nothing to do

yesterday i was sitting on the bench at the zoo eating a jumbo hot dog and some cheese fries and my brother is like hey you like doing it outside right? i'll show you the spot. don't worry, this wigwam wasn't it. i wonder if this is a normal conversation people have with their brother.


there's this big brick thing at our grade school that me and my friends used to climb onto all the time to smoke cigarettes and kiss boys. yes i enjoyed a brief stint smoking cigarettes in grade five. it's like this big brick thing in the field with trees all around it except i guess a couple weeks ago they cut down all the trees and put a fucking fence on top of it, one of those ones where the chain link part goes up and out at an angle like so you can't climb it except i totally still can because i am part monkey. my brother refused to sit on it and drink fortys of OE with me.

then his girlfriend got off work and i was telling her how i don't have any friends anymore because everyone thought me and luke were the fucking prom king and queen or some stupid shit and when i broke up with him i shattered all their fucking dreams of a golden relationship made in heaven or something and now they won't talk to me and my brother is like dude she should just hang out with all my friends she would totally fit in, today she wanted to climb on top of hatch and drink fortys. lizzy is like fuck yeah, i totally have warm 24s of corona in my car! majority rules so we ended up sitting on top of this thing wondering when it got all clean like where did all the jagged broken up concrete and weeds go and who tarred over all the graffiti. the bitch totally won me over. hey, cheat on my brother all you want dude, you're fucking awesome.



then on my way home i was driving down austin listening to the new kanye west cd my brother downloaded for me (yes i like kanye west, shut up) and these guys on the street started talking to me at a red light so i asked them if they wanted a copy of the cd (i made two for no reason). i'm trying to have a new improved attitude about talking to people on the street. i did it all the time in paris and i'm like woah, this is awesome, maybe when i get back to chicago i should stop telling everyone who looks at me to fuck off. so anyway i parked my car and ended up drinking tall boys of heinekin with these guys on their stoop. it turned out i quasi knew one of them from this party i went to like six years ago where i was the only white person. i guess if you are the only white person at a party you are like totally memorable and people will recognize you years later.

i fucking love oak park. even though those guys stoop was technically in chicago. whatever.
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Friday, July 01, 2005

how drunk?

last night we got free shots for showing our library cards. drinking for literacy. fuck yes. obviously i got totally falling down drunk. i think i made plans to drive to texas with a bunch of girls.

i really was falling down drunk. that didn't stop me from jumping out of trees yelling I WILL ROMPER STOMP YOU!!! then i walked into a street light.

then i woke up when xan threw her cat on me. i liked it better when she used to wake me up singing like a virgin. OW! touched for the very first time!
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