Thursday, June 30, 2005

go out with a bang

one time i really loved this girl. there were four of us but i really loved this one. this girl was smart and beautiful and she fucking loved drugs. this girl fucking destroyed herself. this girl loved cutting lines and rolling bills and i loved it too when this girl used to hold my hair back while i blew lines in the front seat of my car. this girl used to dance with me and she used to drive so fast it felt like flying. this girl could freeze time. this girl loved putting shit in her nose and i did too but this girl learned to love putting shit in her arm and i never did. this girl started calling me all husky voiced to say i'm so fucking lonely i'm so fucking lonely. this girl spent the night in jail. this girl was so fucking ashamed. it's only money. i told her it's only fucking money. i don't care about it. this girl was like a dead person. this girl shook and dropped everything she touched. i watched this girl shake and seize and i cleaned up shit off her. this girl moved me to tears and she moved me to poetry even though i tried to disguise it in paragraph form:

bang out with a go confuse and take abuse at your own hand where skin is thin and draped like sheets where fragile bones and muscles meet where veins raise up in pain like welts of protest on the backs of blacks enslaved in chains where arms are stained like sidestreets after heavy rain your scars betray your arms a documentary.

one time i really loved this girl. i loved this girl as much as anything and i would have done anything for her if i had known what.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

i love you

i was dating this guy for like one week before he got arrested at white hen for stealing sunflower seeds. who the fuck gets arrested for that??? probably a guy i met at in school suspension. yeah i used to have in school suspension all the time. i was like i'm getting out of here are you with me? tell them you have to go get some reeses to eat with your ritalin. to bad only one of us made it out and it wasn't the one that got escorted to the cafeteria. i guess that is what happens when you are half black and half puerto rican. you get escorted places.

when you are dating a girl for like three weeks don't write her a letter telling her you love her in spanish because it will take her delinquent friends forever to decode it ("i think it says he wants to violate you!" "are you an idiot???" "yeah! i told you i got a D in spanish!"). by the time they halfway figure out what it says they will be falling down laughing and then the girl has it in writing for weeks of future amusement ("i'm bored." "i know, let's read that hilarious letter shawn wrote you again!").

he brought me flowers once. AT FUCKING SCHOOL. i stuffed them in my backpack and they were dead by third period. it must be ultra lovely dating such a romantic girl as myself.

he didn't get it when he told me he loved me and i told him the check was in the mail. duh, it's THE THREE GREATEST LIES OF ALL TIME!!! oh my god i am so fucking funny. too bad i think the third biggest lie of all time is supposed to be "i promise i won't come in your mouth" or something. that's fucking retarded, it should probably be "i never said that!" or "no, i don't think that's weird." wait no, it's "you're right." next time some idiot tells me he loves me which will be never because i don't date idiots anymore i'm going to be like "you're right."

seriously though, flowers and a fucking letter in spanish??? i don't think he got that the reason we went to third base behind a dumpster was in spite of this stupidity and not because of it. um, i was 15. a fucking 40 oz and a mix tape would have been fine. but not a cheesy fucking mix tape. a cool one. woah, look how fucking demanding i am. "i want a mix tape. but not a crappy mix tape a good one. never mind i'll just make it myself." i must be the most high maintenance low maintenance person ever.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

step to the rythym made out of brown paper

last night i grabbed a whole bunch of cds and got in my car on a mission to drive along aimlessly until my phone was charged which takes like four hours so i got on the highway and was like huh where the fuck am i going to go. then i drove past independence and had the brilliant idea of pulling off and getting totally geeked and driving all night to ohio. then i was like no that's retarded. then i was like fuck it, no it's not.

so anyway i should be in ohio right now easing my comedown with cheap american beer and looking like a fucking wastezoid with swollen cracked up lips that can't eat because she fucking gnawed the inside of her mouth into a bloody pulp while driving in a furious cocaine frenzy all night long but i'm not.

c'est la vie i guess.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

i'm drinking wishing well water imported from pluto

that's why my eyes are glassy. so you don't have to ask me.

so yesterday i drove all around oak park screaming along to this song about basement parties on the mother ship and today i woke up with silvery blue shit all over my feet. i guess my overactive imagination is now manifesting itself physically which is fucking awesome.

i got a letter from the government the other day i opened and read it. it said they were suckers. they wanted me for the army or whatever. picture me giving a damn i said never.

when i was like 12 i used to make out with this guy that used to always say that. how could i not be totally in love with the kid that quotes public enemy all day long. then when i was like 19 i was dating this guy that swore that was tricky and he even bought me the cd to prove it. too bad that tricky cd came out when i was like 16 and all that really proved was that he had no soul. anyway what i really wanted was that tricky v the gravediggaz cd.


Friday, June 24, 2005

those sluts loved me more than patrick swayze

after the violent eviction we stayed in a hostel in paris that was hot as hell and had bugs but i met an aspiring runway model that fed me soft cheese and rolled cigarettes for me and i rented bikes and figured out the subway system with a girl named amy and i smoked galouses and suffered from heat exhaustion with a guy from argentina.

i walked around by myself and met a million people that wanted to buy me drinks and laugh at my french and i sat in parks and watched pigeons and walked to the store and bought plums and camembert and giant bottles of volvic water and pear juice. the model gave me a chain and showed me how to rig it up to the faucet so the water wouldn't shut off every 45 seconds so i finally took a shower and took off the shirt i'd been wearing for four days straight waking and sleeping and threw it out.

i'm going to move to paris and rent an apartment at the top of a seven story walk up with huge double doors that are painted copenhagen blue and it's going to have a tiny shower and grates over the windows and i'm going to walk everywhere and take the subway and the rer and i'm get a job in one of those smoky jazz clubs and do really sub par spoken word performances and people will say that i have the face of paris and they will toast me with pear liqueur.

i'm serious.

Friday, June 17, 2005

its 2:30 in the fucking morning right now

the whole thing was a fucking charade because she was leaving so soon and he didnt want to hurt her but he really doesnt give a fuck anymore. thats what he said before he told her he was fucking some bitch named celine and then suddenly i was showered with broken glass and i rolled over and she was throwing all her shit in a bag and telling me come on were sleeping in the streets.

im like fuck no we dont even have any cigarettes. im going back to sleep after somebody cleans this fucking glass off me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

vous etes degoutant!

sitting outside the louvre smoking a cigarette and a crazy french imposter in a striped shirt eating cheese and crackers lost his mind right in front of me. it was pretty amazing he went completely insane at the sight of xan and said something like fuck bitch fuck bitch FUCK FUCK BITCH FUUUUUCK!!!! i think he also said something about spitting food on us or spitting out chunks of our dead bodies after he raped and dismembered us or something. xan was leaning against a tree blowing smoke all over him and telling him to go get his ass fucked in french. plus the louvre was closed.

tonight fred is gone so we went to the adc and got vodka and papya juice and shit and now we are going to have a topless cocktail party and discuss our scandalous double lives.

Monday, June 13, 2005

comment tu te sens?

being in pairs with xan is so absolutely fabulous i can barely stand it like i feel like my heart might explode into little peices of shiny pink and orange confetti. like maybe i will be so overcome with emotion that tears will fall from my eyes and when they hit the ground flowers will shoot out of the cracks in the sidewalk. flowers that are shaped like fucking hearts.

i am so full of love that even my sinuses are exploding with it. when the airplane reaches whatever altitude my face is going to burst sprinkling love and joy over the entire continent. all the french people will turn into fucking bunny rabbits wearing berets and striped shirts and they will not hate freedom at all.

the wonder exuding from my pores is like heaven and the spaniards were practically beating down the doors of my hostal to get a piece of it. i tried smoking cigarettes to dilute the purity of it but the puffs i breathed out were images of the virgin mary.

i am so happy i could die.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

i left my wallet in el segundo

woke up early ate some fruit bought a pack of cigarettes drank a beer got lost bought a necklace made out of coconut shells felt dizzy drank 2 liters of water sat on the peir with xan made up some stories and tried them out, told some guy we needed to get to the methadone clinic. felt really sweltering hot, sun went down, sat on the beach and smoked 11 cigarettes, gave the rest to xan and told her i was done.

slept in. throat hurts ran to the ferry. left my passport in barcelona. ran back went to the market bought some kiwis ate some lamb chops got on the boat read naked by david sedaris. felt really dizzy looked up and saw a vision of my dead friend. dead right in front of me talking to a nun. she looks like she´s disappointed with him. he looks down and laughs. she laughs too and touches his hair. what the fuck. the indian lady in front of me vomited for two hours. i roll onto the floor and pull my hood up and sleep. get off in ibiza. my hair is soaking and stuck to my face. i sleep for twenty hours.

sant antoni ibiza. fill my sinuses with saltwater and fall asleep in the sun. take some topless frolicking in the mediterranean photos. the water is clear. we are russian, xan says. vodka heals us. that was a lie. hungover by 4 pm. passed out getting out of the shower and cut my face. when i opened my eyes the tiles were swinging above me like a chandelier.

slept on the ferry to valencia. walked downtown for hours in pajamas. our hostal feels like the sahara desert. i can´t feel the right side of my face. tomorrow i take a train all day and night to paris to see the doctor.

Friday, June 03, 2005

got off a plane in paris. went to this apartment of this guy named fred. fuck, the whole thing was the size of my bedroom and when i was washing my hair my elbows kept hitting the tiles. got on a bus and drank five cups of coffee black at the train station. got on a train. had a sleeper car with some canadian millionaire couple who fed us gourmet turkey sandwiches and cherries and delicious fruit bar things and giant grapes and smoked gouda. the train was fucking hot so instead of sleeping we pissed off everyone around us by laying in the hallway pretending we were dead and laughing really loudly.

12 hours later i was laying on a beach in barcelona. jumped in the water. laid on the beach. jumped in the water. laid around in a four star hotel and ate giant juicy nectarines. got on a bus. got to an overpriced hostel in la ramble that made me feel like i was in a play about something awesome. went to a giant plaza and ate tapas. smoked some cigarettes. went to a store and met a guy with a crystal encrusted puma belt and a million teeth that gave me vip passes to la paloma. heard actually good hip hop music. some guy carrying a glass palm tree shined a light on me and i danced with maracas and a tambourine and a girl named astrid. astrid´s boyfriend owned the place and we got totally wasted for free on giant glasses of vodka redbulls and shots that tasted like heaven.

got lost on the way home and chased down an alley by a mime with vitamin d deficiency. woke up and ate some bread and cheese and a kiwi. walked around and smoked cigarettes with some ultra fashion street kids.

sadly i believe this trip is about to take a turn towards terrible and infuriating but i am only going to write nice things.
Listed on BlogShares