Saturday, April 30, 2005

tonight i fell in love

i saw the most beautiful man i've ever seen tonight. he had a beautiful blond mullet and a glorious mustache. he was out of this world.

i saw him watching me eat some french fries and i didn't like it so i fell out of love and i let a bunch of chewed up french fries fall out of my mouth for effect. then i said do you like see food? but i said it telepathically.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

i attract only the best

when i was little i used to go to some special montessori pre school for smart kids or something and every day this little gifted kid used to choke me in the coat closet and make me tell him i loved him. and i was totally not into asphyxiation when i was little.

then when i was like 6 this kid named deandre used to chase me home from school all the time and one time our class went to the pool and he told me he was going to make sex with me under the water. way to ruin the class trip to the pool fucking deandre.

i used to hang out with this kid garrett all the time who was like two years older than me and one time he put his hand up my skirt and then he beat me up. god, if i was wearing a skirt i must have been like eight.

i'm pretty sure mr. molest was watching me run around under the sprinklers and shit way before i was aware of it.

in junior high this kid james used to come to my house and stand around outside spying on me. then he would call me and hang up. then he would come back over. my room was in the back so he had to stand in the alley peeping tom style. one time he sat by me on the bus and asked me if i was a virgin. or course i was a virgin! i was fucking 12 years old!!!

one time in high school this girl named lynette pushed me into a stall in the bathroom and tried to make out with me. like she actually put her mouth on mine. woah lesbian rapist.

this kid named charlie had a locker right by my friend's, and one time while i was waiting for her he showed me some blood on his pants and said it was from raping a girl. then the next day he gave me a dead bird. later i was outside smoking and charlie came up to me and asked me for my phone number except he totally had his dick out and was stroking it. outside. at school. that actually happened.

i'm not sure if i'm bringing this out of people or if i have some kind of victimized aura around me that is attracting them.


fuck, mother's day is totally coming up.

my mom must be so fucking smart. we went out to eat last weekend and she totally caught on to the magic signals that i was sending her through my eyeballs.


she's freaking the fuck out because i've been calling the house to talk to my brother and she's like what the fuck, is something going on that i should know about because if i can not be the all knowing fucking matriarch of the world i am going to die. i'm totally using an alias now (samantha fox) but i think she fucking cracked the code.

i should legally change my name to carmen sandiego. then when my mom called i could be like, uh, there's no erin here. and finally after she started to go insane i could be like, oh, didn't i tell you my name is carmen sandiego now? METAMORPHOSIS COMPLETE. that would totally push her over the edge and she would plunge into complete and utter insanity at that point. she could be surrounded by people saying "duh, everybody knew that!" and then their faces would get distorted and the earth would open up and she would fall into hell and they would all peer into the abyss and laugh at her with ugly pig faces and say she didn't even know her own daughter. it would be like the mother of all paxil commercials.

i bet she had that dream last night.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

i'm so efficient

i'm like, i don't want to stay in hostels can't we sleep in the park and xani bar is like we can sleep on the beach. i'm like, but if we sleep on the beach am i going to wake up with sand in my eyes and no shoes? then i will have to buy european shoes and i will have to try them on because instead of size 8 they have like size 42 or something. trying on shoes in europe is a fucking waste of my time. it's like i will never get those four minutes back and whatever fabulousity they might have brought that i definitely didn't get by trying on some stupid shoes! i'm like, maybe we can sleep on roofs? yes, that is the best one yet. xani bar says we can sleep on the train. like if we plan it so that we are on the train overnight. i'm like what??? PLAN IT??? i'm sick of fucking plans. i'm sleeping on roofs. i will wake up unmolested and with both of my shoes.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

one time i drove to california and i wore the same thing the whole time. jeans a wifebeater a triple five soul hoodie yellow flip flops and a blue bra. it was pretty awesome. especially the part about the blue bra and the wife beater, i looked so super classy as i was driving through the shittiest towns ever where people had rusty bathtubs in their yards or whatever.

driving out west is fucking weird. you could drive for hours through like desolate landscapes and shit. and then there's a town but it's like five shitty houses that are the kind that probably don't have basements and then a gas station. like there could be stray dogs that practically look like hyenas running around the gas station and dirty blond headed kids that are barefoot and don't know how to read. it's like what else do you do in a town like that besides fuck your cousin.

then i stopped at some truck stop to get cigarettes or something and i'm pretty sure i almost got gang raped by a bunch of filthy men with no teeth. i don't even remember what happend but i remember how scared i was. i think cigarettes were like a dollar or something.

one town was completely infested with roaches, like roaches climbing on top of roaches, on the sidewalk, in the street, in the windows of abandonned store fronts, probably all over the faces of the people sleeping if there were any people in that town which there weren't. i wondered if the apocolypse had occured.

i slept at the pink flamingo and i took my sweatshirt off and put it on the pillow and slept on top of the sheets and blankets.

america is scary sometimes.

Monday, April 25, 2005



Sunday, April 24, 2005

you're so famous

it must be nice to be FAMOUS!

yesterday i went to this party and i was so bored i drank beer.

yesterday i went to this party and i was so tired i fell asleep on a table.

yesterday i went to this party and this guy named tiko fell in love with mandy. he thought we were famous or something. he also thought we were s e x x x a y.

i wrote down everything he was saying because i was bored and tired and sad.

also because i am a journalist.

one time i ate a bunch of mystery pills and i was up for like three days. towards the end i was staring at the ceiling wondering why i couldn't form a coherent thought. i was with somebody but i wasn't and then the next scene was like that one in permenant midnight. i don't know which one. the sad one. then i smoked like three packs of cigarettes and wanted to die. then i slept for like 30 hours. while i was sleeping xani bar called and was like where the fuck are you, i've been sitting on my porch waiting for you for like 4o minutes, and i told her i'd be right there and then i went back to sleep. we didn't talk for like two years after that.

i feel like that today.

this is what i look like when i'm sad and dirty.

probably someone should just come over here and dump a bucket of freezing cold water over my head. then they could just smash the bucket on my head and hit it a few times like a bell or something. then when it was over i could shake my hair around and they could tell me something funny and i wouldn't feel so bad. maybe after the water they could throw some confetti on me and it would stick all over my wet head.

it would fill me with euphoria.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

no, you won't.

i'm sorry but i'm just thinking of the right words to say

i know they don't sound the way i planned them to be

but if you'll wait around a while i'll make you fall for me

i promise you

i promise you, i will.

okay, that's a good song but it's just not true. dude, if she doesn't like you now she's not going to. obviously it would be super wonderful if you showed her your ultra romantic true colors and your love blossomed like a beautiful peony or whatever but in reality the more spectactular things you do for her the more she wants to throw up because she basically thinks you're ugly and wishes you were dead.

write a song about that.

so last night my phone starts ringing and i look at it and i pick it up and i put it down and i pick it up and hit 'reject' and it stops ringing and i look at it for a minute and then i go over to j logic's room and i'm like XXXX just called me. and she's like don't answer. and i'm like OF COURSE I DIDN'T ANSWER!!! so then we went to see if there was a message and there wasn't. then it started ringing again so i ran back into j's room, OH MY GOD, HE'S CALLING AGAIN!!! she says, he's probably like fuck, why didn't i leave a message, and he's calling back to leave a message. i'm like, if he leaves a message i'm not listening to it. you can listen to it and tell me what it says. but that never happened because he didn't leave one THANK GOD. one time in 1995 my friends ex boyfriend called her and sang that bon jovi song i will love you always and forever on her answering machine. i'm hoping that shit never happens to me. but if it does i will totally audio blog it. FOREVER AND A DAY!

anyway this morning gmail alerted me that he wishes we were still in love. huh. interesting. i was going to email him back and tell him to pretend that i fucked his brother and he walked in on it. i was going to tell him to really visualize it, until it made him furious. then call his friends and tell them it actually happened. get more furious. visualize it some more. write me an email and tell me i'm a stupid whore and he can't believe i fucked his brother. probably he could trick himself into actually believing it happened. then he could rip up all pictures of me and smash up everything i ever gave him. soon instead of wishing i would love him again he would wish i was dead and then he could move on with his life or whatever. eventually he would be like "erin? fuck that bitch. she's dead to me." hell, he could even pretedn that i was dead. he could even pretend he was going to see me again in heaven if that made him feel better.

then i would send him a bill for my services as erin mastermind, inventor of the contraversial new cognitive therapy: lying to yourself.

so today of course my phone is ringing off the hook at work. that's really awesome, calling someone at work because you know they can't turn their phone off in case any clients call or whatever. thank god for fucking caller id! i can't wait until i start getting blocked calls. that's when i'm going to answer the phone and play three blind mice into it with the nine five and one buttons.

hey, the phone's ringing again! guess what, if you're trying to wear me down it's not working! YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME !!! he should order me a singing telegram. the singing telegram could be dressed as a panda and it could sing that song "if you see me walking by/ and the tears are in my eye/ look away, baby, look away." that would be the awesomest shit ever. i would probably die.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

to whom it may concern:

if you are the person that came here by searching "fat girls getting raped" you are a sick fuck. i bet you are a fat sweaty bastard that wants to rape fat girls because your fat mom put cigarettes out on your underdeveloped sac when you were a baby and then your first fat girlfriend that gave you a handjob on the school bus in like 8th grade saw all the burnmarks and started calling you nutter mc nut scars and it toally caught on and your fucking burnt ass sac was like the laugh of the whole shitty town you grew up in. probably plano. why don't you just go rape your mom and get it over with. then you can stop jerking off to snuff films and crying afterwards. best case scenario: maybe you will end up slow dancing with camryn manheim in your shitty appartment like phillip seymour hoffman in that movie happiness.

i also know you totally jerked off to my post about how bad it would suck to get raped in front of my dead murdered family, and i'm fucking disgusted right now. you are the sickest fuck in the fuck factory.


erin mastermind


Tuesday, April 19, 2005

i'm confused

i had the weirdest dream this morning. me and this girl krissy i used to live with were at the beach eating peanut m&ms and then we started fighting over them and we were like rolling around in the sand trying to make sure each other didn't get the last m&m or something, and even though we were like trying to pin each other and pull each other's hair and shit we were laughing and having like the super funnest beach time or our lives. it was super vivid too, like i could feel the sand on me.

then i woke up and i was like, what the fuck? i hate peanut m&ms!

and then i was like, wait, am i a lesbian???


tell me things

people love to tell me things.

like i don't want to go to jail, i lied, i did it, he molested me, i'm scared of the dark, i set fires, i stole $800 from my mom, i fucked a girl that had a miniature penis, i cheated on her, i ate the last peice of cheese, i'm a virgin, i have seizures, my dad killed someone, i cut myself, my mom's dying, i didn't rape her, i'm gay, she said no, i hate sex, i never told anyone.

those kind of things.

strangers even.

i don't know why.

i bet i could get murderers to confess to me.

Monday, April 18, 2005

validity generalization is killing me

what the fuck does this mean???

can somebody please tell me what the fuck this means?

i feel really stupid right now.

maybe i'm not supposed to figure it out right away. maybe i'm supposed to mull over it for hours and hours and days and days and that's why i was given like seven weeks to work on it except of course i put it off until four hours before it was due.

i just had a stellar idea. i'm going to pretend i'm fucking taking my comprehensive exams that i have to take next year. if i can't write four essays in four hours how am i supposed to write like 15 in nine hours with no notes and articles in front of me, like one year from now. suddenly finishing these stupid essays seems possible.

that is the power of positive thinking.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

retarded people are fucking cute!

this is robert. robert is a walmart greeter.

robert is dying of mental retardation. that's the same thing that killed corky from life goes on.

robert set it up through the make a wish foundation to hang out with me and get treated like a normal person this weekend. the other part of his wish was to have hot anal sex with a. holtz but i brokered that shit myself.

gene was there too. he was the fluffer.

i could tell by the way robert's eyes squinted shut with joy that it was the most spectacular moment of his life.

plus it was tax deductible.

Friday, April 15, 2005

xani bar is like don't worry, when i meet you at the airport i'll have a sign or something. i guess in case i forget what she looks like? i guess i should have a sign too then. maybe they could be enormous puzzle peices or like two halves of a broken heart or something. maybe i could wear it around my neck and it could have some fucking caligraphy on it and doilies. or i could make a potrait of her on it with painted macaroni noodles. then when we see each other's signs we can do a slow motion run towards each other like if we were in a field of daisys instead of a crowded airport, and we can jump into the air and smash the peices together and gleaming rays of light will emanate from it making everyone in the airport fall in love and turn into a big red commercial. glitter will fall from the sky.


i love this man

hey, speaking of too funny too fast, i'm watching the news and they just played this tape where this lady calls 911 and is like "oh my god my daughters are fucking ferociously fighting and shit, they're bigger than me and i can't- oh my god, HELP ME PLEASE I CAN'T FUCKING CONTROL MY SPAWN OF SATAN BITCH ASS OFFSPRING!!!!!" and the 911 dispatcher guy is like "...okay. do you want us to come over and shoot her?" and the lady is like "...WHAT." and the guy is all chuckles like "that was a joke ma'am."

yeah, that guy got in trouble.

too bad if i was that lady i probably would have fallen in love with the guy and started making out with the phone or something. even though i could hear in his voice that he had a mustache. if you are that funny you can have a mustache and i won't even care. you could even have a conjoined fetus growing out of your neck.

that guys name was mike forbess. i'm going to write him fan mail.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

people named mike love me

one time i was stealing ice cream bars from edys ice cream and this skateboard guy came in and i stole him an ice cream bar and he gave me his number.

he fell in love with me and i pretended i never noticed.

we spent like a whole summer drinking in the woods and getting lost on purpose and watching david lynch movies and eating cheese fries.

one time we decided to stay out for like three days and i don't think we slept or changed our clothes the whole time. i was wearing a halter top that had paisley all over it and he hated it and said it made him want to die. plus i think i lost my shoes.

i used to bring him everywhere with me.

he was a bike messenger and all my friends had a crush on him. that's what i remember about him.

here's what he remembers about me: i was trouble.

i'm trying to think of something shocking to say when we hang out next week.

i ate some red meat for the first time in like six years

and i think it transformed me into a superhero or something because then i ran around the office faster than i thought was humanly possible and i kicked down some cubicles and then i smash power jumped through the ceiling and up to the 24th floor because there was a bad guy up there and i beat him up pow and saved a box of kittens.

i was flip flying through the air so fast it looked like there were four of me.

i'm going to go buy a big steak and put red wine and garlic and mushrooms all over it and i'm going to cry tears of joy while i'm eating it because i remembered how much i love the taste of blood and then i'm going to shoot my fist out in the air and fly to the shitty old stuff store and buy a typewriter and write the great american novel. i'm going to write the whole thing in second person but it will be better than bright lights big city, so good that people will die after reading it.

i want to laugh so hard i die. probably that would be the awesomest thing ever. i bet that's what heaven is.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

when doves cry

did you ever have a best friend when you were like 15 and she had a brother that was like i don't know 19?

then one day were you making some paintings or something and you got some paint on him and you were like oops, and then he flung some paint on you and then you started like wrestling around and trying to smear paint on each other and you were breathing all hard and you made eye contact and fell in love? your friend probably rolled her eyes and was like god retards you're getting paint everywhere.

maybe one time you and your friend were tanning on the roof and he came out there to smoke a cigarette and you were all laying around and you had your leg over his or something or maybe you were like halfway holding hands and your friend freaked the fuck out. she didn't know that when you were sleeping over in the extra room on the third floor because you were too trashed to walk home you went in his room to smoke cigarettes and made out with him and you never told her. like ten times.

but then you never finished what you started so like years later you have this thing where if you are driving somewhere and you go to shift gears and you like touch his knee on accident you could practically have an orgasm just from that.

and then your friend is like my brother has always had a thing for you. that's sick. that would practically be like incest or something. but what she's really thinking is you're mine and he's mine and you can't be each others. when she said that you would feel like you couldn't breathe.

if you ever did fuck it would be the hottest sex ever. like you would probably die afterwards but it would be okay.

is it true love?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

why's it gotta be about an old man getting off with a whore?

Miss et [10:04 PM]: im only communicating through pictures now... starting tomorrow.
Miss mastermind [10:04 PM]: you better watch out or i'll send you slutty pictures of me.
Miss et [10:04 PM]: oh. no. gasp.
Miss mastermind [10:04 PM]: i'm serious
Miss et [10:05 PM]: ill send you pictures of enrique...
Miss mastermind [10:05 PM]: who the fuck?
Miss et [10:05 PM]: the guy with the balls.
Miss mastermind [10:05 PM]: i have one where i look so hot in it that you will want to have sex with me and then you will have to gouge your eyes out with a rusty spoon.
Miss mastermind [10:05 PM]: so you better watch out
Miss et [10:06 PM]: did you send it to hot roger or whatever.. hot james.. biotch
Miss et [10:05 PM]: when did you start masterbating... theyre talking about it on tv.
Miss mastermind [10:06 PM]: when i was like 5
Miss et [10:06 PM]: hahhahahaaaa
Miss mastermind [10:06 PM]: then i went through a thing where i decided it was dirty and i tried to go cold turkey
Miss mastermind [10:06 PM]: of course it didn't work because i was a fucking perv
Miss et [10:06 PM]: no way... like real masterbating
Miss mastermind [10:07 PM]: yeah. not like with the jelly g vibe or whatever, but i could give myself an orgasm
Miss et [10:07 PM]: most people start masterbating at 13
Miss mastermind [10:07 PM]: i was a slut i guess
Miss et [10:07 PM]: its not like you slept around. god.
Miss mastermind [10:07 PM]: i thought all little kids were slutty
Miss mastermind [10:08 PM]: i totally dry humped all my friends when i was little
Miss et [10:08 PM]: i was, kinda.
Miss et [10:08 PM]: no way.
Miss mastermind [10:08 PM]: yeah, i was like the little ho around the block
Miss mastermind [10:08 PM]: one time i got naked with the kid across the street and we like rubbed ourselves together.
Miss mastermind [10:08 PM]: then i thought i was pregnant
Miss et [10:08 PM]: hilarious
Miss mastermind [10:09 PM]: i seriously thought i was pregnant. i was like stressed out about it.
Miss et [10:09 PM]: how old were you?
Miss mastermind [10:10 PM]: i don't know, like six? i think i was in grade 2
Miss et [10:11 PM]: when you are in first you are six/seven and in second you are seven/eight.. oh except you are a year younger
Miss mastermind [10:11 PM]: yeah. so i guess i could have been 7.
Miss mastermind [10:11 PM]: but i turned 8 in grade 3
Miss et [10:11 PM]: wow.. you are young
Miss mastermind [10:11 PM]: when did you start masturbating?
Miss mastermind [10:11 PM]: i guess not when you were six
Miss et [10:12 PM]: um.. i think like 11, but then it didnt work.. so then... like when I was 18 or so
Miss mastermind [10:12 PM]: WHAT??? that's fucking old.
Miss mastermind [10:12 PM]: what do you mean it didn't work?
Miss et [10:12 PM]: like.. i didnt orgasm.
Miss mastermind [10:13 PM]: i bet the reason kids are so slutty in college is because they can't masturbate all day because their roommate is always around. so they just fuck everyone instead.
Miss et [10:13 PM]: probably..
Miss mastermind [10:13 PM]: college kids should have masturbation and hand job parties.
Miss mastermind [10:13 PM]: i'm going to start it.
Miss et [10:13 PM]: i didnt really care about masterbating until later
Miss mastermind [10:14 PM]: god, i used to masturbate like four times a day.
Miss et [10:14 PM]: awesome
Miss et [10:14 PM]: really
Miss mastermind [10:14 PM]: i thought it was like the coolest shit ever.
Miss et [10:14 PM]: it probably was
Miss mastermind [10:15 PM]: dude, you can't even SPELL masturbate.
Miss mastermind [10:15 PM]: woah, check out the dictionary definition:
Miss mastermind [10:15 PM]: masturbate

v 1: stimulate sexually; "The old man wanted to be masturbated by the prostitute" 2: get sexual gratification through self-stimulation [syn: wank, fuck off, she-bop, jack off, jerk off]
Miss et [10:16 PM]: shut up
Miss mastermind [10:16 PM]: uh, do you like that sentence?
Miss et [10:16 PM]: yes
Miss mastermind [10:16 PM]: why's it gotta be about an old man getting off with a whore?
Miss mastermind [10:17 PM]: that's not even masturbation. that's a hand job
Miss et [10:17 PM]: i dont know. i thought you made it up
Miss mastermind [10:17 PM]: i cut and pasted it from
Miss mastermind [10:17 PM]: i'm posting this on my blog.

love is war

this morning i woke up and i felt like i was going to cry. i tried to pretend i was in a submarine and that shit didn't even cheer me up. breaking up with someone is harder than being the one that gets broken up with. i'm just guessing about that, no one has ever actually broken up with me. i know, it's amazing. if i was dating me i would break up with myself like the first day.

if i was in a relationship that made me want to die and then it was over and i still wanted to die would that mean that something was wrong with me? maybe i need a serotonin shot to go with my mental clarity tea that i bought in china town yesterday.

then i was driving to work and i fucking started crying in the car. that shit is not normal for me. usually i only cry when i'm pretending my parents died to see how sad it would make me or something. sometimes i also cry furious tears of rage when i don't get my way. you know, how two year olds do. two year olds are fucking cute!

if you are ever crying in your car and you want to stop being such a retard put on some really bad rap music. i dare you to cry while you are listening to people yell about their white tees or their air force ones or whatever without feeling ridiculous. if you can cry and feel ridiculous at the same time, leave right now, you are self indulgent and the only self indulgent person allowed here is me.

i think i am truly going insane.

Monday, April 11, 2005

i need a fake prom dress

today i slept in class, and then when i woke up my one eye felt like as dry as, uh, something that is really dry, chalk, and it started crying tears all over the place. so of course i figured if i got up and left class it would look like i was having some kind of emotional crisis and i would be able to go home early, so that's what i did, but i guess i looked so completely distraught that it scared jaason and frerenando because they took me shopping in china town and bought me dim sum even though i wasn't sad just tired, plus my hair was so fucking messy that i looked like an orphan or whatever. a fucking devestated messy orphan. then jaason asked me to the prom. it was pretty much the most romantic moment of my life. almost as romantic as the 3d artwork with horses falling in love on it that i almost bought.

i asked jaason if he ever fucked a girl before, and if he hated it, and he told me that when he was like 19 he fucked his lesbian friend, like for an experiment or whatever, and he was so bad that she jumped out of bed and turned on the lights and gave him some lessons on how to go down on a girl amazing style or something so then the next two girls he was with went like totally fucking wild for it. i hope jason puts out after the prom.

then i found out that the problem with straight people is that we don't have rules. rules like, you can fuck your friends but you can't date them. i was like, oh! we can do that too! but frerenando was like, no, you can't. so that was kind of disappointing. if i can't do it with my friends, who am i supposed to do it with? i hate meeting new people. seriously. i feel like that sad little oval thing in the zoloft commercials or whatever. i guess i'm never having sex again. except hopefully after prom. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

i forgot my camera otherwise there would be a picture of me trying on a slutty gold chinese style dress that would be perfect for the fake prom, and banging a gong. i'm so academic.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

last night

i got totally fucked.

i told my brother he looked like a sleazy milhouse.

five hundred pictures were taken including a fabulous portrait of mandy.

et and i drank an entire bottle of vox vodka.

i met this guy.

i watched gene lancaster smoke some cigarettes and was astonished by his youthful glow or whatever.

i didn't even have to leave the house (or brush my hair).

i fucking love when people come over and i don't sleep. there should be a pillow fight next time, and a pinata.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

that's me and my best friends when i was like 17. look how fucking innocent we would look if i wasn't smoking.

so one time it was like the hottest day of the summer and we were sitting around bored smoking cigarettes with nothing to do so we decided to walk over to this kid sam's apartment who lived in cicero. cicero is so fucking dirty i can't even believe it. i guess we got bored drinking and watching xani bar and sam make out and we heard the guy upstairs sold coke, so we started banging on the ceiling with a broom or whatever and he got all pissed and stomped on the floor and then we went outside and started yelling hey! open the window! and so this old columbian dude sticks his head out the window and we're like hi! let us up!

so we went up there and i guess we said something like hey, wanna do tons and tons of blow with us, because that's what happened. i've never done so much coke in my life. we pretty much blew fat rails one after the next for like 3 hours until we were fucked out of our minds. so then the guy starts smoking a crack rock, and we're like, hey, we want to do that! so that's the story of how i smoked crack.

i don't even know how he got us the fuck out of there because i'm pretty sure we would have stayed there forever. so then we went back downstairs and xani bar and sam were sleeping and this guy named kevin was sleeping on the pullout couch, and there were roaches all over the floor so we were like, psst, kevin, we're getting in bed with you. and all three of us got in the bed with him and we watched the fan. even on crack, that movie is fucking retarded.

as soon as xan woke up we were ready to get the fuck out of there right away. guess what i looked like. i looked like someone who stayed up all night smoking crack on the hottest day of the year. i looked all fucking wild and shit. it was awesome.

oh yeah, later we also found out that kid kevin was a convicted rapist or something.

that never happened. yes it did. no it didn't.

i should write a book about all the things that ever never ever happened to me.

Friday, April 08, 2005

i'm on the depressed starvation diet

i want a hot dog.

there's a fucking vehicle outside my house like a long car that is a huge hot dog bar and looks like it has every condiment known to man to put on your hot dog. that is way awesomer than the stupid ice cream truck. if i ate a hot dog it would be a hebrew national hot dog and it would have onions and tomatoes and a pickle and mustard and lettuce and no ketchup of course. the guy driving the hot dog truck would be like a super cute old guy who is like five foot two and chubby and white haired and wears button down short sleeve shirts and he would give me a free hot dog because i love cute grandpas. actually i would probably eat two hot dogs.

also they should have a sushi truck, but i guess who really wants to eat sushi off a truck besides me. raw meat is delicious. fuck the rice. i like sashimi or whatever. rice is disgusting and for poor people. i will eat fried rice. i will eat fried anything. fried garbage. fried dog. fried baby. i bet a fried fat baby would be fucking delicious. fried abortion. i'd like extra mayo on my fucking fried abortion please. thanks.

next time you're eating stewed tomatoes pretend it's a bloody abortion. you'll like it, i swear. mmmmm.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

i broke someone's heart yesterday

although i am a robot i am also capable of human emotion and if you heard that when i cry only oil comes out of my eyes that was a vicious rumor. i'm solar powered.

i don't cry a lot though, it's true, so when i do i'm all woah, what is going on? then i take pictures of it and stuff. and i code articles for meta analysis. it's the best thing to do. people that cry in their bed with a box of bon bons or something are fat people. i totally coded like 26 articles in 2 hours last night while i was heartbroken and starving. awesome. thats going to be my dissertation. task performance as a function of hunger and torment. i could revolutionize the efficiency of sweatshop workers or whatever.

i heard when girls are crying they can get whatever they want. why? crying people are ugly and ugly people never get what they want, unless what they want is to be ignored.

i look ugly and sad today, and it's not even sunny enough for sunglasses, what the fuck.


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

paper kills phone

i found my phone. under a peice of paper. i'm an idiot.

salman didn't call me. the vatican didn't call me either.

who knows what the fuck i did before caller id. one time my phone was ringing and it said "no number" so i threw it through the window. there was glass everywhere and now the 7 doesn't work anymore. that never happened.

since none of you guys wanted to wake me up with telepathy, guess what i used for an alarm clock. miette. she has to be all up against me while i'm sleeping and she does forceful roll over moves and pushes me around so i end up sleeping on the bed sideways. obviously i have to wake up every 40 minutes under these conditions so i can kick and punch her off the bed.

thank god she hardly ever sleeps with me, except when someone else is sleeping in there with me then she has to get in the fucking middle and make sure nothing crazy is going on. i think she thinks she owns me. oaky, it's true, she does own me. is that weird?


Tuesday, April 05, 2005

what the fuck.

my cell phone magically teleported itself away from me today and i have no idea where the fuck it is. probably in magic black hole hell with all my other magic disappearing shit.

i have a stupid landline. does my landline tell me people's phone numbers? no! that shit doesn't even have a clock on it! and it's not like anybody is going to call it because it's fucking vip and i never give out it's number.

i wonder who tried to call me today? probably someone super exciting and awesome. like maybe salman rushdie finally called me back.

i have this stupid atomic clock that is super smart and knows what time it is by satellite and i can't even fucking figure out how to set the alarm on it, so who wants to wake me up tomorrow? by telepathy.
i really did used to drive a 1976 mercury monarch, that car was fucking awesome. the front seat went all the way across so i could ride around with three people in the front seat which is super cool. i looked like a fucking detective from the seventies in it. anyway, the sad end came when that bitch got towed for like the third time and i didn't feel like picking it up from the place again because it was leaking gasoline all over the place and probably going to explode anyway.

even more awesome than that car was this kid diego that i was in love with at the time. i'm really attracted to guys that are skinny and defiant (heroin addicts). i've been in love with several of them. i've heard they can't fuck though. i'm a virgin.


Monday, April 04, 2005

having a best friend is so 1997

xani bar is like hurry up and get over here because i'm bored!!!

xani bar is like today i rode motorcycles around paris all day, i am so bored without you.

see, that's how exciting i am. way more exciting than riding motorcycles around paris apparently.

eight weeks and one day.

i don't really want to stay in hostels. i want to sleep on the beach. i want to steal a car and drive it around and live in it. a big car. a 1976 mercury monarch with no radio and sticky seats. i don't want to bring any clothes, just 7 bikinis and some chapstick.

and i'm not sending any postcards.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

what's a pope?

this weekend i got my nipples tatooed so now they are blue like smurfs and then i peirced them so i can hang sliver stuff and peacock feathers from them or whatever. no i didn't.
i was so fucking bored i decided to drive out to aurora last night. i thought the drive would be spectacular or something because i had a cd i wanted to listen to (metal fingers presents special herbs vol. 3 & 4) but of course i forgot it because i'm retarded.

i can't go anywhere or do anything because i don't have any ids or money so et took me on a fabulous date to denny's and a bunch of her students were sitting right by us so i called her a slut super loud and then i poured sugar all over the table and tried to pretend i was blowing rails but she blew it all over me instead so i guess she didn't think it was as amusing as i did. what? if i was a teacher i would totally want my students to think i was a slutty coke head.

then i thought it would be hilarious if i ate some fried chicken since i'm a vegetarian. fried chicken is fucking good!!!

oh yeah, i also showed et my nipple like ten times and tried to get her to tell me how hot it was but i guess she didn't like it very much. whatever, i think it's fucking cute.

i'm the most annoying person ever. my parents pay most of my friends to hang out with me.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

what's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

one time i came home from turkey and there was a fucking hippie living on my couch. then he left and then he came back with another hippie, a fat one named sluggo. when they came back they brought a bunch of powder and then they poured all the powder into gel caps and then the gel caps got wet or something so they had to lay them all over our house to dry. like i came home from class one day and there were fucking pills all over every surface in the house. i'm not even exaggerating, like i would open a cabinet and there would be pills all lined up on the shelf. i'm like great, i'm totally going to jail. then i ate one and i was awake for like three days and i wanted to die.

i fucking hate hippies. i really thought i was going to have to shoot sluggo. even though hippies are supposed to be pacifists or something i'm pretty sure he wanted to rape me. it's really cool having a fucking hippie that wants to rape you living on your couch. awesome in fact. sluggo had a taser too. too bad what sluggo didn't know is that i had a gun hiding in my ceiling and i fully intended to shoot him in the face if he ever tried to taser and rape me.

i never had to shoot him though because one time he pushed me and miette went crazy and attacked him.

i really used to associate with pretty much the classiest people ever.

never trust a hippie.

Friday, April 01, 2005

i lost my wallet

i'm totally unidentifiable right now. my last form of identification was my passport and i fucking gave it away. you can only identify me by my dental records.

that's why i am going to be drinking vodka in my closet tonight, instead of at sonotheque. drinking in your closet is a pretty good time for crying. i haven't decided if i should sit in a laundry basket or just push that shit to the side and lay down on the floor.

on the bright side if i'm drinking in my closet there's less of a chance of me showing carl pictures of myself in my underwear and giving him my passport. unless carl wants to come over and drink vodka in my closet and cry with me.
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