Thursday, March 31, 2005

crack baby robot

it seems like for a while all anybody was talking about was crack babies. that shit was fucking interesting! first generation crack babies, it's like a fucking sience experiment or something. we should be monitoring that shit like crazy. like we all know they shake and cry a lot when they come out, but what the fuck is going on with them now that they are like 20? there are probably even some second generation crack babies by now. i need to know the long term side affects of being a crack baby so i can weigh the pros and cons of smoking crack while pregnant.

luckily british teenagers can now experience a virtual crack baby. awesome.

i was born two months early and i was ugly as hell. like i was all skinny and yellow looking. apparently i screamed all the time and was in general fucking annoying. my mom still bitches about it. whatever mom, maybe you shouldn't have smoked so much crack when you were pregnant with me.

oh my god, smoking crack is not funny. crack is whack. say no to drugs.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

sometimes people think i'm bulimic

one time when i was in grade five this girl who was i think an eskimo (innuit? whatever.) told a bunch of people that i was over at her house and i ate a whole can of soup and then threw up. i was certainly never at that bitch's house, but that's when i learned that if you are skinny fat people will try to start a rumor you're bulimic. wake up fat people, bulimic is when you binge and purge, if you throw up after eating a bowl of soup that's called anorexic. yes, anorexic people throw up too, amazing. i'm not anorexic either. obviously. anyway, if i was bulimic i would not have beautiful perfect teeth, they would be like eaten away by acid or something.

that girl's name was erin too. she was probably pissed that she had to be fat eskimo erin. she probalby wanted it so she could be regular erin and i could be crazy bulimic erin. oh, plus i think one time she was walking past me and i started singing that song "i feel the earth move under my feet i feel the sky crumbling down." yeah, i was a real bitch when i was 11. i'm pretty much waiting to be invited to one of those "i was an ulgy fat eskimo like cherita on donnie darko and you hurt my young heart but now i fucking look like chyna and i want to show off by shaking my new tits on ricki lake" shows.

it's one thing to be fat erin by compraison, what must really suck is to get called fat erin when you are the only erin. like you are so fat it just can't go unsaid. one time i even knew this guy named assface. he was beautiful on the inside though. not. one day assface told me he was in love with me while we were walking home from class and we weren't even halfway there. i know, awkward. it's like, at least wait until we're almost there so it can be awkward for five seconds instead of like 15 minutes. anyway, i told assface i was never going to be in love with him, and he told me i had no tits. like i didn't know that, but at least my name isn't no tits erin. if your name is assface it means being ugly is your most salient characteristic. then we had to walk back to the dorm and also endure a whole elevator ride of awesomeness together. thinking back on it assface really wasn't even that ugly. not enough to warrant being named assface anyway.

if you wonder what my thought process was behind this post (probably you didn't) someone came here today by googling "bulimic how to make yourself throw up vomit." sadly i have no advice for that person as all my throwing up occurs after binge drinking.

no, that was a lie, i totally have advice: if you are the person that wants to learn how to make yourself throw up vomit, you should probably rethink that. it will probably make you really ugly as well as possibly giving you heart failure. but if you must, you should tune in to the lifetime channel and look for movies called things like "little girls in pretty boxes" or "the tracey gold story." i'm sure you could learn all types of awesome tips like how to throw up in tupperware containers and store it under your bed until you can sneak it out of the house, or how to hoard fried chicken. man, bulimics are fucking weird.

CHUT UP! someone needs to buy me the directors cut of donnie darko. my birthday is on december 13 so you can start saving now. seriously. get a jar and write "for erin" on it and then put like 11 cents in it every day. for less then the cost of a daily photo copy you can help the needy.


worst movie ever made

jessica thinks the crow might be the worst movie ever made. have you seen hope floats jessica? have you? obviously not. hope floats is the worst movie ever made. like most of the other worst movies ever made it stars sandra bullock. i think lyle lovett is also in it. i don't even remember what it was about. probably sandra bullock was a fucking klutzy single mom falling in love against her better judgement or something. i used to live with this girl mindy and she had that movie on like every day. it's amazing i can't remember the plot because i've probably seen it a hundred times.

obviously a movie called hope floats is going to suck. obviously a movie called swept away starring madonna is going to suck. swept away was so bad it was good. like when madonna is getting raped and halfway through it she starts to really get into it and call the guy master or something and then she becomes his slave for the whole rest of the movie. kind of like blue lagoon but with more sadomasochism or something. awesome.

i really hate when movies you think are going to be good (a beautiful mind) are actually the worst movies (vanilla sky) you've ever seen (solaris). then people win oscars (erin brockovich) for being in them (training day) and you wonder what the hell is wrong with the film industry (monster's ball).

i own kind of a lot of bad movies because i used to go to super walmart a lot when i was drunk and lacking good judgement. like have you ever seen osmosis jones? the real life parts with bill murray in them are funny. the animated parts with chris rock as a white blood cell and fraiser's brother as an anti-histimine are not funny.

if you didn't even think that sounded funny obviously you are smarter than me.


Tuesday, March 29, 2005

phillip morris made me make a fifty year old retarded man cry aka fuck altria

so mayor retardo wants to build a casino in the empty space right next door to my work. awesome. a casino right in the middle of downtown chicago. then i could go over there and have all you can eat lox for $4.99 every day except i'd probably throw up ten times while i was eating because i'd be surrounded by the most disgusting people ever, like huge fat people that don't clean the fecal matter out of their fupa creases or whatever.

anyway, i thought casinos were supposed to be on riverboats or something, even though it really doesn't even matter since it's pretty much pretending to be in the water and is actually practically in the middle of the street and not at all floating in the middle of nowhere like you think it would be.

people at casinos are fucking desperate. i bet i could buy a baby there.

and hell if retarded people don't love gambling. too bad it should be illegal, like how it's illegal for little kids to fuck because they have no idea what they are getting into.then the evil geniuses that make the scratch off cards make it so you need to get three of a kind but then you actually get two pairs, woah, i almost won! hello, you can't almost win the lottery. that's a concept that a lot of non retarded people can't even grasp.

the gas station i worked at was pretty close to this whole apartment complex that was like government housing for retarded people or something. anyway, this guy bob used to come in spent all his fucking money on lottery tickets and cigarettes. he would bring shit from his house and try to sell it for dollars to buy scratch offs. here's how much he didn't understand what the fuck was going on in life: if a cigarette pack had the cancer warning on it he wouldn't buy it but if it said like smoking may cause low birth weight or something he would. like he seriously didn't understand they were all the same. i tried to explain it to him all the time and he wouldn't listen so one time i got really mad and i made him listen. he started crying and was like "i, i, i, i know kid, i, i know."

i stole a fifty year old retarded man's innocence.

anyway, i thought gambling was illegal, how come the government is allowed to do it? maybe next they will be allowed to straight up rape people. it's like how people say the lottery is a tax on the poor, it's really true. that shit should be at least twice as banned as gay marriage.

Monday, March 28, 2005

i hope you like seven exclamation points

im so good at pretending that i'll probably die alone and not even notice.

like i'll probably be pretending i'm a stealth assassin or something. a super sharp shooter. or like a jockey or something, like i just fucking won the triple crown at the age of ninety seven. WOO HOO, pour some fucking champaign all over me! who knows what the fuck i will be thinking about.

this weekend fantasy and reality collided! woah! it was like the fucking fifth dimension or some shit! i felt like i was in mother fucking vanilla sky!

it was beautiful.

back to life back to reality.

what am i going to think about in validity generalization today? i think i will pretend that i am watching someone smoke cigarettes and draw pictures of me. unlike test validation that would not be boring at all. good thing he already knows what i look like because i can not sit still even in my mind.

why am i in love with everyone??? i did not even think that capability had been programmed into me! someone has been fucking with my ones and zeros!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

they even made smooth criminal sound not cool

i went to howl at the moon last night. pretty much the worst bar ever. old people and ugly people. there's two piano players and it's supposed to be awesome or something because they play really stupid songs like brown eyed girl or something and all the old people and the ugly people sing along. man these piano guys can play anything. like if i was fat and forty and from wisconsin i would probably freak the fuck out when these piano guys started playing the totally most aweosme usher song! YEAH!

if they had played the ten crack commandments i probably wouldn't have had to drink myself into such a stupor. today i wasn't even hungover, by easter magic or something. oh yeah, the piano guys also should have played the theme song from full house too. everywhere you look! there's a face! somebody who needs you! shoo bee doo bop mm be bop...doop! i would have totally sung along like crazy to that shit.

Friday, March 25, 2005

today this guy at work who is not really my boss but kind of brought me a bunch of boring shit to do so i told him i was about to go to lunch which was a lie i was actually going to go shopping but then he came with me so i actually had to eat lunch. we went to the corner bakery and then we went shopping and i made him think it was his idea. i'm so convincing.

i was thinking about posting some full frontal nudity on easter because really who is going to be reading this on easter? i would probably only leave it up for like 40 minutes. maybe like one person would see it and they would be like what the fuck!!! i'm not doing that. that was a lie.

one time i had a picture of a dead bird on here and today i took some more pitures of it because it is still fucking there do you believe it? i will take pictures of it until it is bones. you can already see them a little bit. wouldn't you rather see that than boring pictures of me anyway? it is much more christ like for easter.

this just in

i'm so mad at my brain. i think i've been in love with e. neal for several years and my brain has been keeping it from me. god, my brain never tells me anything.

all those years i thought i had brotherly love for him and now i find out that it was acutally real true love. i guess the rumors were true.

yesterday i was looking for some carmex and i found a note from e. neal. it wasn't even written on a whole peice of paper it was like on a scrap. it really doesn't matter what it said. i guess it was emotional or something. no, it was totally emotional. look how uncomfortable shit like that makes me. i can't even describe it properly. probably because i am a robot.

i was totally amazed that i'd saved it. i never save things like that.

then i saved it again. while i was putting it back i even wondered, why am i not throwing this away? because it is a beautiful symbol of our brotherly love.

but then i dreamed we starred in a musical together. serioulsy, you don't star in a musical with your brother, you star in a musical with someone you are in love with. i saw moulin rouge, i know how it works.

fuck. i always thought you could drink a whole bottle of tequilla with someone and pass out on the floor together without falling in love, but maybe you can't. this new knowledge changes everything.

i wonder who else i'm in love with that i don't kow about yet. ew, i hope not my actual brother. that would be sick.


Thursday, March 24, 2005

the bitch is out to get me

fucking miette pushed me down the stairs yesterday. i don't know why she is so pissed at me. i thought we had beautiful love and now i find out she wants to kill me.

i have mystery bruises on my wrists. like, handmarks. who knows where the fuck they came from. maybe i've been having rough sex with myself while i'm sleeping. so of course while i was falling down the stairs i started thinking about all the fantastic lies i could make up if anyone wondered why i had bruises all over my wrists and back. bondage. or, i am playing jesus in a reenactment of the crucifiction for easter. rehersals are totally brutal. stigmata!

god, i have such a positive attitude it's astonishing. then i woke up today with no bruises. dag. there goes my excuse for gratuitous nudity.


Wednesday, March 23, 2005

moral court with judge larry elder

today on moral court this girl named erin brought her best friend jessica on the show because jessica was blackmailing erin with naked pictures. i guess erin got naked at a frat party and jessica took pictures and was like, erin if you don't stop being such a slut i'm sending these pictures to your mom.

seriously what a bitch. judge larry elder thought so too.

i had a slutty friend in high school, but i never blackmailed her with naked photos. mostly i would just be like "GOD, COULD YOU STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING WHORE, NO WONDER EVERYONE CALLS YOU THE DERB FOR HERB GIRL!" and then one time i did an intervention on her where me and xani bar showed her a picture in a medical book of a healthy vagina and told her her vagina was dirty. do you believe i wasn't the slutty friend in high school? i know, i don't either.

probably erin should have taken some preemptive measures, like telling everyone jessica drugged her and and took advantage of her. she could be like "yeah, she kept on telling me to show my tits so i did, and then she told me how hot i was and started taking pictures. i don't know what happened next but when i woke up there was lipstick all over my thighs. it was really weird."

that's what i would do.


Tuesday, March 22, 2005

ET is a superstar

i love you ET

ET was my second roomate in college. the first one only lasted four days, that's how terrible i am. seriously, imagine living with me in a room that's so small you have to push your beds into the wall every morning.

one time we got some guy to drive us all the way to eastern illinois university and i made her sit in the front and then i pretended to be asleep.

i also used to tell her she looked like a cocker spaniel.

i used to hit her a lot too, like every morning when she waking up for class and i was sleeping through it i would be like "ugnhh, shut uuuuuppppp!" and then i would lean out of my bed and hit her.

for some reason she is still friends with me.

i had a third roommate that same year, i got moved to an all girls floor because i got in too much trouble for, like, running around with a coconut on my head and smoking in my room, and spending too much time in the mens washroom or whatever.

ET helped me move.and then later she lived with me again. on purpose, can you believe it?

happy birthday ET!

so much more fun than psychometrics

yesterday when my professor wrote "quick and dirty" on the board i got excited for a minute until i realized we were talking about the quick and dirty method of utility analysis, where in the absences of data you estimate the standard deviation of y by multiplying average salary by .33, and that is when i realized psychometrics is boring.
i was thinking that i should probably become a race car driver, really how hard could it be. plus since i'm a girl i wouldn't even have to be that good. they could put pictures of me on lighters and shit, and my parents would be so fucking proud. or mortified.

then today while i was reading jessica's blog about how she wants to take all her clothes off and leave work naked or something i was inspired to pursue a new goal, and that is the goal of becoming a porn producer. jessica could be my partner. like we wouldn't be starring in it, i guess we would pretty much write it and film it.

one time i did a favor for some film students and starred in their terrible movie. probably i could get film students to film porn for me for super cheap. yes, i am always thinking.

probably the best idea would be to make the craziest porn ever. people are sick of normal porn. two people fucking? that is boring. if i wanted to see two people fucking i could just have sex in front of the mirror.

i don't know what my craziest porn ever will be. maybe like do it yourself reality porn where some dumb retard pays me tons of money so he can have whatever kind of sex he wants with whatever kind of girl he likes and capture it on film for hours of masturbating pleasure. like a beautiful fusion of porn and prostitution. or something like that. or blueberry porn. i don't even know what that is but i bet it's incredible.

is there a porn scene in chicago or am i going to be like a pioneer?


this post is bipolar

today i get to write syntax all day, AWESOME! i didn't even know i was a programmer. i have such a positive attitude today that it is simply astounding.

there were a bunch of cute kids on the train today, in contrast to the vagrants and whores that i usually ride to work with so that was nice. they smelled like neutrogena and had tons of barretts on their heads.

this weekend while i was in the car with my family i had this vision of pulling into the garage and out pop a bunch of guys with guns and they slaughter my whole family. i'm sure i would probably get killed last, and maybe even raped. if you saw your whole family get killed right in front of you would that make it better or worse to get raped? like you probably wouldn't be thinking about how bad it hurt or anything because you would have other shit on your mind. but then again you might be like what the fuck, this asshole just killed my whole family and now he is having sex with me??? you would also have to know that you were going to be killed when it was all over with anyway. so that would either be more or less scary. like there wouldn't be all the uncertainty, but you would probably still be scared to die. it would be awesome to be able to believe in god at that moment. do normal people think about things like this?

fuck, this new birth control i'm on is making me fat and mental.

Monday, March 21, 2005

i want to tell you what to do

i would like to read a choose your own adventure blog please.

like, someone could make a blog and then i could make all their decisions for them.

it would be like a reality show.

it doesn't even have to be real, i'll never know. it could be totally outrageous, like i want to kill my roommate, how should i do it, and i'd be like you have to grind up a bunch of glass super fine and make a hamburger with it and feed it to him so that he bleeds to death internally. then the next day i'd be all excited to read about it and see how it worked out.

yeah, so choose your own adventure, we can do it multiple choice or essay styles for the super confused. yes.

the hair of the dog that bit you

i didn't throw up at the drake hotel last night but i wish i would have because the bathroom was super luxurious and accomodating. like all the toilets were in their own little rooms that had sinks and everything. what a great place to throw up.

then my dad gave me a bottle of effen vodka. thanks dad, just what i needed. the hair of the dog.

i'm going to be the first alcoholic in my family. it's going to be awesome. just like ernest hemmingway, i will be drinking tomato juice and beer for breakfast. yes. and just like ernest hemingway i will be a fucking genius and a grand success at life until one day i will blow my own head off. is that even legal?

you know what's not legal? how fucking awesome i am when i'm driving down lake shore drive and instead of giving people the finger i give them the whole fucking hand. what started as a source of annoyance when i was wearing mittens and trying to flick off stupid slow drivers in the left lane has become the ultimate gesture of hatred. because sometimes one finger does not suffice. THE HAND. just show em the whole back of your hand. i kind of curve my index finger too when i'm doing it. those fuckers have no idea what is going on.

i also like to play a game where the idiot behind me is pissing me off so i slow down super slow and then when they try to pass me i won't let them. it's hilarious. when they're trying to pass me i smile and wave at them.

somebody is going to pull me out of my car and beat me to death with a tire iron one day.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

jessica killed a man last night

i didn't put any mayo in gene lancaster's mouth while he was sleeping but i thought about it.

did you ever take a shower and get so lazy in the middle of it that you just stand under the hot water and can't even bring yourself to wash your hair? it's especially awesome if you are standing with your arms in some weird position like how super retarded people do and you are so catatonic you can't even move. if you put the plug in the drain then later you can decide you would rather take a bath.

i am probably in no condition to go to the cape cod room for my dad's birthday in an hour. i have a feeling they will not have saltines there. fuck. will i throw up all over the white linen table cloth? or will i make it to the bathroom in time to spark rumors that i'm like totally bulemic? stay tuned!

Saturday, March 19, 2005

my roommate is better than yours

today is jessica's birthday

having jessica for a roommate is pretty much like being in heaven.

i like how she is so tall (practically a giant) because we have shelves i can't reach.

i also like how she has pretty hair, because sometimes your roommate leaves hair all over the house that looks like pubes and it's sick.

she's probably one of the best smelling roommates i've had, which is saying a lot because i think i've had ten or twelve.

i bet if i had a giant poster of bob marley smoking a joint, jessica would let me hang it up in the living room unlike some other bitches i lived with.

one time i had a roommate that had seizures. jessica never has seizures and that's awesome.

if i was dying of alcohol poisoning jessica would probably call 911.

sometimes living with jessica is like being in the funniest episode of crank yankers ever, except way more funny even.

she also feeds me a lot. did you know that i'm like a dog? if you feed me i will probably love you forever. especially if what you are feeding me is a fucking delicious ice cream ball wrapped in dough.

obviously i am so excited that jessica was born that i am making her a birthday cd including such awesome songs as the buddy 12 inch remix by de la soul featuring a tribe called quest, jungle brothers, queen latifah and monie love, and also unity pt. 1 by afrika bambaataa and james brown. i am also making a cake because i am trying to be awesome. or maybe jessica brainwashed me by putting pictures of cakes on her blog for like the past month. whatever.


Friday, March 18, 2005

important trade secret:

okay retards, if you are applying for a job and they make you take a test, do not tell the test that you have stolen over five thousand dollars from your previous employer. yes, there are trick questions on the test, but that is not one of them. all the questions that you think are trick questions aren't, you just think they are because you have no integrity. it's true. the questions that you think are straightforward are the trick questions, so you will get those wrong. the questions that actually are straightforward will confuse your unethical brain and you will try to psych out the test like all embezzlers do and you will get those wrong too. yes, you will fail the whole test and you will not be able to get that job at home depot that you wanted so bad.

i love how easy it is to trick people.


fuck tha police

what the fuck, i got pulled over yesterday while i was at a stop sign. the crazy part is that i was following all the rules of the road for like the first time in my life. unless the rules of the road include having your vehicle registered or whatever. fuck that. like i really want to pay sixty dollars once a year so i can have a sticker on my liscense plate that is green instead of yellow for 2005 or whatever.

on the bright side i get to miss work on may fourth so that i can go to court where i will get to observe the scum of humanity for an hour or two.

of course i got pulled over by a fucking female because female cops have to be extra fucking bitchy. probably they're all pissed that they get no respect so they have to take it out on civilians or something.

i never have a problem with male cops, probably because they never pull me over, and if they did they wouldn't say stupid shit like "put that cigarette out, it's polluting my air." not that that happened yesterday because i quit smoking in 2001. yes, female police officers have been pissing me off for many many years.

why can't they be nice to me like mariska hargitay on law and order svu?

Thursday, March 17, 2005

it's my perogative

when i was little and i couldn't make up my mind my mom used to say i was in yes no land, so i guess that is where i am right now because i think i changed my mind about not getting married.

i want to get married to someone i'm not dating though. like maybe xani bar's brother because then i would get to be sisters with my best friend and the parents already like me. plus if we had a baby it would be absolutely stunning.

yes, that's right, i've decided to have a baby after all. i'm going to name it maseo mastermind and if it starts to piss me off i'll send it to exeter.

if xani bar's brother doesn't want to marry me i'll probably just marry a stranger. like carl or funky fresh freddy or if i decide to marry a girl, etienne. if i married a stranger then the first time we had sex would be on our honeymoon and it would be like we were virgins or something, but with experience. hot.

i bet we could stay married for at least two years, probably longer if we didn't live together. it would also be an open marriage so my husband would never cheat on me because it would not be possible. maybe one night we would both be coming in at the same time and i would tell the butler to whip up some grilled cheeses and he would tell me he was just out with the dumbest person ever, and i would say oh my god, me too, at least he was hot, and he would be like amen to that.

that sounds good to me, plus then i get some kind of tax break and possibly some insurance that allows me to see a gynocologist with an actual medical degree? and if i marry a canadienne, dual citizenship? sweet.

and you know when i said it's my perogative i was talking about bobby brown, right? i hope my marriage can be as beautiful as bobby and whitney's. damn.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

i'm not made for a family

i am so fucking glad i'm not a little kid anymore.

i can pretty much sum it up right now why i hated it so much. i don't like being told what to do.

my mom used to make this thing with barbequed chicken and rice that i hated so much i probably would have rather eaten raw sewage and every time she made it i practically had an anxiety attack waiting for the day i would never have to eat it again. it was pretty much the worst feeling ever.

then when i was like twelve i decided i was going to start doing whatever i wanted right then. fuck it, i said. as you can imagine that caused some problems. especially because what i wanted was to fail all my classes and tell my mom it didn't matter because i was going to support myself through prostitution anyway.

not only do i not like to do what i'm told but i also like to do the exact opposite. like one time i took a creative fiction class and i wrote all my stories in second person because the professor told me not to. they were fucking good too. my main goal in life is to be awesomely defiant. so as you can imagine i'm very annoying.

this is why i'm never going to get married. like i spent the first 17 years of my life trying to get the hell away from my old family, why am i going to create a new one?

it's like i could marry someone that liked to be bossed around by me but that person would probably make me sick, or else i could marry someone that was just as dominant as me and we would scream and throw dishes at each other all day long. woah, i'm such a sick person that sounds kind of good. and then we would have intense sex after. hm. i guess the worst case scenario would be me marrying someone even more dominant then myself. i would so infuriate that person that i would end up murdered. i'm serious, no doubt i could probably incite a murderous rage in the right person.

when i was little and i didn't have control over my own life it made me feel worse then i've ever felt in my life. it was fucking intense and it made me want to die. the closer you get to someone the more they can make you feel like that, and i do not find it beautiful at all.

plus if i had a kid it would probably be exactly like me and it would probably grow up and push me off a bridge because we would hate each other so much.

that's what i should have told that retard at the bar that wanted to know why i don't want to get married. here's what i said in reality:

i'm selfish.



we totally speak elvish at home

probably the reason i remind you of lord of the rings and you don't know why is because my dad was in that movie.

yeah, my dad is agent x. so when i say my dad is cooler than your dad it's pretty much true.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

eric asher you are not very good

so yesterday i attended a free concert at the university of chicago that made me want to die. there were a bunch of screens with slow motion close ups of tortises walking and the band was i guess expiremental and pretty much sounded like they were tuning their instruments the whole time. probably it would have been better if there had at least been some modern dance or something but there wasn't and it pretty much scarred me for life.

before the part where i wanted to die there was a part that was pretty good involving some post glitch folk for the erudite wanderer or some shit. i don't know what that means and i made the last part up. anyway, the main guy was fucking insane and was doing weird howling noises like whats his name on the final episode of twin peaks, whoever killed laura palmer or something. yeah, my parents let me watch twin peaks when i was little but they wouldn't let me watch the simpsons. that's because my parents are really smart.

anyway, the guy sang a song that he had written for his sister. it made me fucking pissed! my brother never wrote me a song! you know what he did do? hit me in the eye with a screwdriver and called me a fat fuck!!

do you hear that eric? you are a bad bad brother! you never wrote me a song! you never drew me a picture! nothing!!! don't you remember when i taught you how to walk? and when i taught you how to smoke cigarettes?? return the favor already! GOSH!

i will see you on sunday. please make a secret recording of something hilarious for me. i'm serious. if you don't do this you are not getting spun back, your favorite movie ever.

god i am so fucking glad i don't have a sister though. unless she was a twin, that would be awesome. when i was little sometimes i used to pretend i was my own twin, to trick people. it worked too, because people don't really expect a little kid to be lying about that. my fake twin's name was jessica, just like my roommate. woah, what if jessica only exists in my mind except i'm so crazy i practically brought her to life tyler durden style. i really wouldn't put that past myself.


please help

so, maybe you have heard about the genocide in sudan or maybe you haven't because honestly who really cares about the government sanctioned systematic gang rape of thousands of africans?

as much as our dumb ass president loves freedom he should probably be all over it except he's not which forces me to believe that he must hate black people. probably because none voted for him.

do you care about this?

if you do you can call your senator and urge him or her to support the darfur accountability act of 2005. there's even a website where you can get your senator's contact information, and it even gives you a script so you don't even have to think at all. look how easy i made that for you. so you should do it.



Monday, March 14, 2005

i heart mike seaver

here' s a lifesize self portrait of my head. please don't print it out and make out with it like i did with my kirk cameron poster in the late eighties.

i wonder what kirk cameron has been up to lately, besides church.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

the liars club

i met a liar at the bar last night. it probably would be more unique if i could say i didn't meet a liar at the bar because everybody at the bar is a liar.

i should probably come up with lies to tell at the bar, then maybe i wouldn't be so god damn bored and irritated when people talk to me. i should probably say my name is tatiana and that i'm a mail order bride or something. but it would have to be different every time or else it would be boring after like two times.

i could say i was 37 years old. then if i went home with a guy that was like three years older than me it would be way more exciting for him then it really was because he would think he was with some sexy older lady who was all experienced and cheating on her rich husband or something. not that i would ever go home with someone i met at a bar because i pretty much don't trust weird bar people to not bludgeon me and stuff me in an oil drum and light me on fire and roll me into the chicago river. plus i'm not slutty.

maybe if i was the hugest liar ever i would turn into one of those people that loves meeting new people and stuff, pretty much the opposite of now, when i hate everyone. yeah, for me to enjoy meeting new people i would have to be lying to them for a joke. that's because i'm a nice girl.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

jesus don't mean shit to me

easter is my least favorite holiday. probably because i don't believe in god.

i'm not like the black sheep of my family or whatever, none of us believe in god. except my mom but she believes in whatever god jewish people believe in. the god that wasn't jesus' dad i guess.

so anyway i have no idea why i have to go to my parents house and eat a ham every year on easter. being that none of us care about jesus and i don't even eat meat. like, i'm sure that jesus was probably pretty awesome or whatever but i'm really just not interested.

gandhi was at least as awesome as jesus, and without any magic powers or anything. that's a real role model, how am i supposed to aspire to be like someone who can walk on water, that shit is just a pipe dream for me. you know, a fantasy induced by smoking an opium pipe. that's what it means, look it up.

i'm sure we're all going to hell. luckily my brother and i are going to the hell for unbaptised infants where we will be afflicted with melancholy while my dad will be going to the hell for either heretics or blasphemers or something, to be enclosed in a burning tomb and stretched on burning sand for all of eternity.

afflicted with melancholy and desire without hope? whatever, that pretty much sounds like right now. i'm not scurred.

according to dante there are three types of sin. my favorite one is the one where it's a sin to abuse reason, the most godly quality of man. i'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings or anything but if you believe that dinosaurs coexisted with cavemen flinstones style, you are devoid of rational thought and you basically make god sick.

wouldn't it be funny if there actually was such a thing as hell? i would be like what the fuck, i feel like such an idiot! then i would get raped by a demon and denied mayonaise for all eternity.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

when i was a little kid i had some r2d2 underwear that was pretty much the awesomest thing ever. it was like a whole set, with a tank top and everything, except i guess it was called an undershirt back then. the underwear had a dark blue skyscape on it and it said R2D2 in red letters. anyway, i was still wearing that underwear until i was 17 and my roommate was like, um, dude, your underwear says r2d2 on it.

thinking back on it some pederast probably would have really loved that r2d2 set.

anyway, that was back in the days when my ass was small and cute, aka not now. today i bought like 20 pairs of underwear, and then when i came home and had my fashion show or whatever i found out that i'm fat.

i guess i could probably stop drinking, but then i would be boring. probably i should just start doing copious amounts of blow. then i really would be a train wreck, but a hot one with a great ass. a great ass and no teeth because i would probably grind them down into little stubs. hm. that would not be hot at all. i would have to walk around with a bag on my head all the time.

maybe i could do some homemade liposuction on myself with a hole puncher and a straw or something.

wait, i don't even care. i get to wear new underwear every day for like a month. hell yes.
it's snowing crazy style outside right now like if it was christmas or something. am i inside a snow globe where it's all sunny and beatiful and then suddenly there's a raging blizzard that lasts for five minutes before you can lay down in the grass again and have butterflies all over you or whatever?

april fools day should be in march and it should be every day. like, you thought it was going to be spring now or something, well get your snowsuit because it's MARCH FOOLS, BITCHES!!! oh, now you thought you were going to need a sweater, well MARCH FOOLS, it's seventy degrees!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

miette thinks she is a panther

she's ferocious and also made of velvet.

she doesn't want me to take her picture.


Tuesday, March 08, 2005

thank god for this fucking blue blanket

i though flu season was like 2 months ago. fuck this shit. maybe i am still hungover.

or maybe god doesn't like me anymore. not only am i dying, but i didn't win a fucking magnet in anti's fabulous magnet give away. it was seriously my last dying wish and i was going to have it buried with me and everything.

plus i took a bath today and when i turned on the fucking water shooter jets or whatever one of them shot dirt all over me.

it pretty much traumatized me for the rest of the day and i had to retreat to the safety of my new security blanket. now i know why babies like them so much, it's pretty much the best shit ever.

if somebody wants to come over here tomorrow and help me not be sick by myself that would be fucking awesome. probably you should bring some fried chicken and some nachos and blueberry pom and we could have a picnic on my blue blanket and then after that we can put the blanket on our heads and watch some japanamation porn.

maybe if i go on another green foods fast god and my liver will love me again.

true lies

in real life i wear a suit that is made out of razor blades and rusty shanks and i write messages on my face that say get the fuck away from me or you make me want to die or whatever.

in real life i hate even numbers.

in real life i weigh 250 pounds and i wear a pink hoodie that says malibu on it and has a picture of some seagulls and i love salisbury steaks and cheaters is my favorite show.

in real life i never wear shorts because i hate my legs.

in real life i'm one of those people that walks around with their head tilted to the side because i can't fucking face life and i'm terrified that someone will notice me.

in real life i have night terrors.

in real life i love vin deisel movies, especially the fucking chronicles of riddick, that shit is fucking awesome.

in real life i'm scared everybody hates me so i hate them first and i hate them harder.

in real life i lie a lot.

in real life i eat three bags of haribo raspberry candies and make myself throw up at least once a month.

in real life my brother leaves me the best voice mails ever.

in real life i have trichotillomania and i have to draw my eyebrows on every morning and wear fake eyelashes and do my hair a special way because i compulsiviely pluck out my own hair.

in real life i love the smell of gasoline.

in real life i'm sensitive and my feelings get hurt even though i pretend they don't and then i can't concentrate in validity generalization because i'm all torn up inside.

in real life the reason i can't concentrate in validity generalization is because i can't stop thinking about sex.

in real life i had a miscarraige while i was tripping on acid.

in real life i've been engaged twice and i didn't give the ring back either time.

in real life i smoked crack in a storefront apartment in cicero with a columbian guy named jake the snake.

in real life eight of these are true. or seven or nine.

Monday, March 07, 2005

woo hah

if i'm like a train wreck does that mean i'm so fucking fascinating you can't look away, because that is pretty much the fucking awesomest shit ever.

that's okay, sometimes i can't look away from myself either.

pop quiz:

who would you rather do it with: punky brewster, gary coleman, or michael stipe.

i would totally do it with punky brewster. i hope i don't go to jail for saying that.

HEY, it's the buck nutty chimp bot

watch his moves they're quite fast and smooth

also on occasion he will have an erratic outburst

in which feces is flung or masturbation occurs


fuuuck, i think i'm still drunk.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

my new m.o. is when i'm drunk enough i just walk into the other room and lock the door without saying anything to anybody. it either makes me look mysterious and sexy or socially awkward and alcoholic. and by drunk enough i mean so drunk i can't stand.

i think i almost died today. i woke up in my clothes and my boots and everything and my hair was wet for some reason and i felt like i someone was smashing my head with a brick. then i laid in my bed and waited to die for like four hours. then i didn't die so i left the room and thrilled the hell out of jesscia who thought i was dead for real because she heard me crashing around my room gagging last night. then there was a lot of shivering and whimpering, and then i slept through rocky three and most of rocky four.

thank god i got an old grandma blanket at target last week because it pretty much got me through the whole ordeal. i love you blue blanket. i love you applesauce. i love you split pea soup.

i hate you vox vodka. but i'll be back. i'm like that dumb girl that lets her boyfriend beat the shit out of her and never leaves him. vodka, you don't even have to say it with flowers. i'm that easy.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

i hate poetry

the sky is blue

the clouds are white

the sun is yellow orange

but not always.

sometimes the clouds are pink

the sky is yellow orange

and sometimes the sun is gone.

the moon comes up

the sky is black and gloomy

i think i think i think

the sun is up again

last night there were no stars.

if i was a teacher i would probably assign this poem to my students and make them tell me about the symbolism in it, or what is the deeper meaning of this poem, or some shit like that. i would make them write an essay about it.

then i would give them all Fs and be like NO, you're WRONG. i wrote this poem in first grade and it's about the sky. that's why the title of it is SKY. what is wrong with you idiots.

then i would tell them that even though that poem won the 1986 gwendolyn brooks poetry contest for first graders, i knew in my heart that it sucked, and that is why i never wrote a poem again. and then i would tell them that none of them should probably ever write a poem again either, if they had any dignity. maybe i would point at a couple of the smart ones and say "except maybe you and you."

that's why i'm not a teacher.

Friday, March 04, 2005

i am as smart as a four year old math genius from the old days

so today etienneaida left me the best comment of my life. getting compliments from girls is better than getting them from guys because it hardly ever happens unless it is like your best friend. or unless it's some drunk girl in the bathroom telling you your hair looks nice and then after you leave she probably laughs and makes fun of you or something.

then my professor was telling us about some four year old math genius from the olden days that invented the sumnation sign or whatever you call it (captial sigma). anyway, i guess it was supposed to be amazing that to keep him busy his teacher asked him what is 100 + 99 + 98 blah blah blah all the way down to 1 and the kid figured it out in like 30 seconds. big deal, i figured it out in like 15 seconds, it's 101 times 2. I think in the olden days people were way dumber, like they used to take limits to find derivatives and shit, now we have easy formulas for that. but anyway, i think that being as smart as a four year old math genius is the perfect amount of smart to be. seriously, if i was that smart when i was four years old i probably would have killed myself by or had a heart attack by now, and even if i was still alive i'm sure i would have no friends.

on the other hand, i think when i was four i had a lot more depth than i do now. what happened to it? school killed it. i remember my uncle telling me about reincarnation and i decided "i believe that you can be reincarnated if you believe in it, but i don't believe in it." now that shit makes no sense to me right now, but i bet it's pretty fucking profound. too bad my educated mind can no longer grasp it. also when i was in the car i used to look at the sky and pretend i didn't exist. looking back on it, i was pretty much meditating and i think i almost reached enlightenment. now i can't even sit still for three minutes. i guess society ruined me.


Thursday, March 03, 2005

gag me with a spoon

well, i just saw the worst thing of my life. it was like the exact opposite of that movie spun which was the worst thing i had seen in my life prior to this. a bunch of shiny eunuchs running around in bermuda shorts singing the song fame, but instead of being like "i'm gonna live forever, light up the sky with my name, FAME!" they are singing about bermuda shorts and how fucking awesome they are. it was so bad i cried a little.

then it made me think about that story my mom told me about how when she was 13 she couldn't afford bermuda shorts and had to wear last seasons short shorts which were so not cool that she was the laughing stock of the locker room and then i cried a little more. i think i would rather watch mena suvari's asshole take a shit than see that sorry display again, which i will, again and again i'm sure because it's a fucking old navy commercial. the sad part is i can tell they spend a lot of money on those commercials. they should just give me $50 and i will create a better commercial than that. one that doesn't make people cry and want to kill themselves.
gross, it's crystal meth, cocaines ugly bitch sister that makes you feel bad instead of good and turns you into amanda plummer in the movie freeway. even though i think she was freebasing in that movie. whatever. yesterday i had the un pleasure of watching 45 minutes of spun, the most disgusting movie of all time. i borrowed it from my brother who i guess forgot to tell me that it was retarded and vomit inducing. i'm still going to watch the rest of it though even though i should probably just take it out of the dvd drive and smash it into a thousand peices and tell my brother i did him a big favor because he obviously forgot how sick that movie was and probably doesn't want to accidentally watch it again.

it's about a bunch of crystal freaks including brittany murphy. fucking genius casting, that. anyway, i think whoever made this movie probably had just seen stand by me and thought it would be cool to get a whole theater full of people to throw up chain reaction style. too bad so sad that this movie proably never made it to theaters.

the whole point of the first 45 minutes is close ups on disgusting puss pimples and brown fucked up teeth. i guess it must be cool to chew gum on meth and so i guess in order to demonstrate the dirty reality of it there are like 100 close ups of disgusting snaggle tooth gum chewing. i am never going to chew gum again. also there's this one scene with the kid from almost famous eating a tv dinner with no shirt on and spilling brown gravy shit all over his chest, and then his fat mom is in the other room and she's eating too, plus she's wearing a g string or something and is as fat as the mom from gilbert grape and she spills food on herself too, and neither one of them cleans the food off their disgusting fat pimple bodies. it's the sickest shit i've seen in a while.

the only reason i'm going to finish watching it is because i want to see if jason schwartzman is going to rember that he left a stripper tied up to his bed before he went on his three day speed freak out.

the people in requiem for a dream were like beautiful angels from heaven compared to these fucked up people. so i guess the whole point of the movie is that only disgusting white trash people do meth, and meth makes you ugly the end.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

public service announcement

when i was like 15 i used to smoke schwag all the time. and i used to drive to independence to get it. so ghetto. people standing on the street yelling "ROCKS AND BLOW" or whatever. i must have been so cool when i was 15. not.

anyway one time we drove to the hole during luch, smoked in my car on the way back to school, and then i went to study hall. oh yeah, on the way into school i thew up in the grass. i guess that should have been my first sign.

so i'm sitting in my desk at study hall and i started to feel really hot and sweaty and then i started thinking about the same things over and over again. every thing i thought of had a color that went with it and they were spinning around like wheel of fortune. i was pretty sure i was going to die or go crazy. i was trying to think of an original thought because i thought it would stop but the only things i could think of were already on the damn weel. or probably they weren't, but that's how fucked up i was.

then i went to the bathroom and threw up. i was shaking and i decided i couldn't stand up so i laid down on the floor in the bathroom which was cold and felt pretty good. some girls came in there and were all freaked out by me because i was sprawled out on my stomach in the middle of the floor with my face all smashed against the cold tiles and i probably looked dead. i think i fell asleep. then someone came and brought me to the nurse and i got to take a nap. don't ask me why they didn't just send me home. not that i could have made it home because i barely made it to the nurse's office. whatever good samaritan was taking me there had to hold my arm and lead me there because i was all shaky and incoherent.

i was fine after probably one hour. then later i found out pretty much the same thing happened to my friends i smoked with. except none of them passed out in the bathroom and made a huge idiot out of themselves and therefore i was the only one that had a rumor about me that i was in narcotics anonymous.

this is what happnes when you smoke a wicky stick.

so obviously the moral of this story is that you should never smoke schwag that you bought in the ghetto because your mom was right and it might be laced with pcp. dag mom.


Tuesday, March 01, 2005

god's lonely man

i'm in love with travis bickel. i looked at my own blog like ten thousand times today just to look at that picture of him with the guns. fucking god.

not only is he so hot i could die but he is fucking crazy. he would kill people for me and he probably fucks like i don't even know what. we would have like the craziest hottest sex ever, it's true.

thank god he's not real. we would destroy each other.

woah, look at this website that i found by typing in my own address really fast and making a bunch of typos.

i don't get it. what's a mastemrind? did whoever made this page grow up in oak park like i did? probably not because people in oak park don't believe in god. i know, a whole town of people exactly like me. it's pretty much the best place on earth.

it's like someone made this page just for me to find it. maybe it was god, trying to force me to believe in him. HA! you're going to have to do better than that!

oh hell

going to the gynecologist in a meis van der rohe building is not as cool as it sounds. if it sounds cool to wear a paper dress in a building that is made out of glass when it is snowing outside.

the best part was when the dr. fingered me dry. damn, throw some ky jelly up on that bitch! i guess she thought i was turned on by her awesome breast massage or whatever.

i also found out that my cervix is fucking covert because it took like 10 minutes to find it. i pretty much felt like this lady was raping me. by the time the whole thing was over my hair was all fucked up with my bangs stuck to my head because i was actually sweating.

i was surprised i wasn't bleeding after it was all over.

that shit sucks.

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