Monday, February 28, 2005

love it or hate it

i love getting weird comments that say shit like "little girl, there is a world of mirrors waiting for you." if i even knew what i meant i bet i would love it even more. probably it means i'm pretty or something. awesome!

"why don't you go buy something, it seems to be the only thing you're good at." the only thing funnier than sarcasm is people who don't understand sarcasm. if you don't understand sarcasm i'm probably smarter than you, which i already knew but it still feels good to be validated, you know?

it also makes me feel good to be called complicit. if not being a narc is complicit than i am so complicit it hurts. anyway, it's awesome that i'm able to disturb strangers to the point of wanting to hit me! it's pretty much my goal in life. say no to drugs!

"it's clear that you aren't okay." i really appreciate genuine concern for my mental health. electronic interventions are seriously so much better than in-person ones where it's like all your friends appear out of nowhere and they're swarming your apartment and flushing all your dope down the toilet and the next thing you know you're getting strapped to a stretcher and you wake up in rapid detox. at least that's what i heard.

erin mastermind: infuriating idiots since 1979

Sunday, February 27, 2005

happy kanye west day

you think i'm kidding.

i think i want to be a producer. hopefully someone will buy me all the shit i'll need for it so i can get started on it. seriously. i bet i'd be pretty good at it, and even if i wasn't it wouldn't really matter because i'm a girl.

i also want to get a motorcycle with a little side car on it and i'll ride people around in it all day long. why don't they make taxis like that, i would totally ride from bar to bar in a little pod for five bucks or whatever.

my life would be so wonderful i wouldn't even be able to believe it and i wouldn't feel like i wanted to die at all.

Friday, February 25, 2005

get off my cloud

today i wore a sweatsuit and had a dance party in my room, so it was pretty much the best day ever.

strictly. got no time for love just quickies

even though when i was little i used to tell my mom i was going to be a whore when i grew up that dream never came true.

and no i do not have a secret blog featuring wide open beaver shots, god jessica if you really want to see my tits that bad just ask me tonight when i'm all drunk and shit.


i'm travelling in europe with xani bar in june and i think she's scared i'm going to act all retarded or something. actually i know she is because i can read her thoughts.

like at my most retarded i am not a beacon of sanity when i am standing next to her.

everyone falls in love with me when we are together because i look like the zen master of coolness even though in reality i am overstimulated and crazy.

but she is so much crazier than me. she is so crazy that she has driven me to violence. one time out of nowhere she fucking knocked me down and bit me. like she put her teeth into my thigh and drew blood. then she acted like i broke some sacred rule of friendship by hitting her in the face, like it's totally normal to throw your friend to the ground and bite her. the second time because she was fucking choking me and i thought i was going to black out. if none of your friends have ever tried to choke you to death than you are missing out because it's fucking hilarious afterwards.

amazingly she doesn't annoy me. which is funny because everyone annoys me, and she is the most annoying person of them all, it's true. it's like she's so annoying that it somehow ceases to be annoying, plus for some reason i have magical powers over her where i can get her to do anything i want. like one time we were at this bondage thing and i convinced her to get strapped into this machine and whipped for my amusement. how could you not love someone who will let a dominatrix paddle her ass just for your enjoyment?

but now that she's lived in versailles for four months she thinks i am too american. so we'll see, maybe when she meets me in the airport i will be wearing a fanny pack and carrying a happy meal and she will bite me in the face or something.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

suck it bitch

that's what i say to february.

so today i was waiting for the train that never came because it exploded. i got to watch a bunch of firetrucks come and try to put out some crazy ass fire that would not go out and smelled like burning chemicals. i probably have cancer now. then i decided to leave work like 2 hours after i got there.

i just realized i'm paying tens of thousands of dollars a year to go to school so that i can learn a bunch of fucking letters that stand for shit. yes i am learning a whole new way to talk where i sound like a fucking robot, awesome. i bet if i could break shit down into different beeping sounds like r2d2 i could fucking rule the world. like shortening the words "item response theory" to IRT only saves 3 syllables, why not just make some weird fucking clicking noise or something. then you would have even more time to edit syntax or whatever and your whole fucking life would be perfect.

the best part is that i'm going to be in school for like 5 more years. i'm not even joking. all because i want to have some stupid letters after my name so people will think i'm smart. it's not even going to matter how big my salary is because it will all probably go towards the mountains of cocaine i'm going to need to make me feel like i'm alive. that's okay though because i'll have an office with a fucking big ass window in it.

the american dream fucking sucks. i feel like starting a fire.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

hot machine sex

my friend mike used to work at this video store yes it was when i worked at the gas station and yes it was just like clerks except better and more interesting. i used to hang out there when i was doing laundry because it was right by the laundermat aka the seventh circle of hell.

anyway the place was like the size of a closet and there was nowhere for me to sit so i had to sit on the counter and all they had was like 2 rows of the worst dumb ass movies ever like probably wild wild west and problem child or whatever. but then there was a curtain and then there was this big ass room full of porn.

have you ever seen machine porn where it's a bunch of girls getting fucked by these futuristic dildo jackhammer machines? it's fucking hilarious and i guess a lot of guys get turned on by it because it was always getting rented out. plus there was a video where the whole point of it was that this lady's pussy was so fucked that guys could basically climb inside her uterus. its true, she could fit a human head in there.

probably even funnier would be if she stuffed a whole bunch of kittens in there and pretended she was giving birth to kittens. that would probably be the best novelty act in the world except that it would probably be disgusting torture for the kittens.

they had magazines too and the best thing to do at the video store was to read the parts where the girl is like i want to taste your come so bad or whatever, if you read it out loud in a good porn voice you can make everyone in the whole place really nervous. also when people came in the store mike would tell me that guy is into gang bangs or that guy likes incest.

the best was that most of the people that came into flix were 37 year old guys that would come into the gas station and try to flirt with me or whatever so it was like what up tereyton 100 soft pack, so you secretly want to bang your daughter, interesting. one of the guys fucking brought me shrimp scampi into the gas station one day because i guess i looked hungry or something. it's like, yeah, i know you are totally into 13 year old girls and you probably think if you bring me some red lobster i will wear little ankle socks and hula hoop naked for you or somthing YEAH RIGHT.

oh man why do i think porn is some of the funniest shit ever.

how many bites did it take you to chew your fucking arm off

what the fuck is wrong with my life. i was driving to work today and i wondered if i should smash up my car because at least it would not be boring. like then i would find out if i am actually dead, which i feel like i am, or dying. like i could smash my car into the guardrail and fly into lake michigan and if my lungs are actually filling up with concrete slowly, like i feel like they are, than i will sink, and if not i will float.

i want something i don't have but i don't know what it is.

when i get it i'll probably sink my teeth into it and devour it and suck all the juice out of it so hard that five seconds later i will be done with it and i'll hate it and i'll be like what the fuck was i just doing, NEXT.

I don't know how to not be like this.


Tuesday, February 22, 2005

it's a family affair

ah, i can't wait to get trashtastic tonight. i love you effen vodka. and i also love you vox vodka. and if i'm really drunk maybe i'll even love the gordon's vodka that has been in the freezer for a year ever since i used it to make vodka sauce.

i'm going to pour the gordon's vodka in an empty effen bottle and make people drink it. ha ha, april fools bitches. i bet i can fool someone into thinking it's gormet or something.

i wish i had some more roommates because then we could all get drunk and try to levitate each other. i had a whole bunch of roommates once but did we ever do cool shit like that, no. we did totally retarded stuff like have interventions on each other where we were like what the fuck is wrong with us, why the fuck can't we stop sleeping with each other's boyfriends, and shit like that.

too bad i was never the one fucking everyone else's boyfriend because i was too busy eating acid and not going to class that year. and also smoking cigarette butts out of the ashtray. but then i always ended up in it anyway because we had to have these fake family meetings like we were the huxtables or something. and then when i said i hated that shit i got told i don't know how to communicate.

let me tell you living with a bunch of girls is just the awesomest shit ever.

this is what i look like when i wake up in the morning Posted by Hello

i wonder what would happen if i just wore this to work today. probably i would freeze to death and nobody would find me for a week since my cubicle is isolated in nowhere land. then they could just bury me in it. seriously i hate getting dressed for work and then i come home and i put this back on again. somebody get me a muu muu.

i can be as boring as i want because now i have pictures. and a picture is worth a thousand words. i don't know what that one is saying, probably "i want to die" or "wake me up when it's may" or "please pour alcohol into me."

Monday, February 21, 2005

suck it bitch

that's what i say to fed ex.

i finally got my camera this morning, i should have brought it to school then i could be taking pictures of our futuristic ass buildings right now. yes, i go to school in the future. it's pretty cool, we have flourescent orange buildings with holograms and shit for you to walk through. also there are hover crafts. fuck, i made that last part up but if i had a hover craft my whole life would be filled with meaning.

the last camera i had was called a snappy Q so obvioulsy that was like 15 years ago and not in the future at all. damn having a time machine would be the awesomest shit ever. i could use my time machine to totally be in two places at once and then i would have alibis for all the crimes i would be commiting. i would also go back in time and not learn how to play the violin because that was the biggest waste of probably thousands of hours of my life.

instead i would learn how to levitate or something.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

god loves ugly

this is what i look like beat by a man vs. not beat by a man.

a man with an enormous fist because my whole fucking face was swollen. like if you wonder what happened to my upper lip, it's been swallowed by my fucking swollen face, and my teeth hurt and my nose hurt and my fucking eyelashes hurt because they brushed against my crushed nose every time i blinked because it was swelled out so fucking bad and it was like chinese water torture.

when you have two black eyes you get to wear sunglasses inside.

but the thing that sucks is when you take your sunglasses off and people look at you and shake their heads because obviously you let your boyfriend beat the shit out of you and they are so sad and sorry that it makes you want to scream.

that picture does not reflect the blackness of my eyes because apparently when you get hit in the face it gets worse before it gets better. see, you learn something new every day.

i got jacked in the face by a friend of a friend. so you can see what awesome friends i have. not just casual friends either, like friends i used to live with. spectacular.

hopefully next time a get beaten by a man he can acutally knock me out, unlike how this guy couldn't, because after i got hit i turned around to ben all cool like and said "did he just hit me in the face???" and then blood started pouring out of my nose. that was the best part.

the whole thing was over money and had nothing to do with me. money.

dan didn't make me cry but it sucked being ugly for a week. then he showed up at my apartment in the rain and i let him in for some reason because it turns out i am a nice girl after all. i guess he was there because ethan slammed his head in the door and ben hit him in the face and he was never going to get the money he wanted and he was geeked out of his mind and he brought me a bottle of red wine which i never drank and i still have it.

when it's your fault that a girl gets battered, a girl that you used to live with and be best firends with, you should say sorry right then, and get her some paper towels for her nose.

this is what happens when you hang out with people that you know are totally bat shit insane.

there's really no point to this post except that that picture is hilarious and i look like sloth from the goonies in it.

Friday, February 18, 2005

safety is no mothafuckin accident

obviously this is the coolest placemat ever. i should probably make a banner out of it if i wasn't so god damn retarded. look at the coconuts going boink, boink, boink on all their heads. fucking hilarious!

it also says "safety is no accident!" on it. what does that even have to do with the no-evil monkeys getting hit on the head by falling coconuts? like they are so busy not seeing and hearing that they are constantly having accidents happen to them? and the not speaking one just gets dragged along by peer pressure or something?

it says 1986 on it.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

time travel

i got this thing in my email and it's talking about oreos and how if the national defense budget was oreos we would have way too many fucking oreos and we could probably use them to feed orphans or something instead of using them on national defense and giving ourselves diabetes.

fuck orphans, we should probably use those oreos to build a time machine. then we could travel to rwanda 1994 and stop the genocide. wait, genocide in rwanda in 1994? like the same 1994 when i was a freshman in high school? i think i actually remember hearing about that but the media made it seem like it was no big deal, although i'm not really sure how you make genocide seem like it is not a big deal. i guess that is why i'm not a media genius.

seriously i would probalby only have to send like 1000 soldiers in my time machine, because i don't think the genocide was that organized and their weapons were like machetes or whatever, strictly farm league shit. yes i am getting all of this information from a movie because i am ignorant and uninformed, it's true.

also there is a casual genocide in sudan, but that one is occuring in the present. like right now...and also now. that is so fucked up that it makes me want my $25 back from the tsunami so i can send it to sudan.

i wonder if the real reason that nobody cares about genocide in sudan or rwanda is because they are black africans who don't look like me. because in my opinion black africans look pretty much exactly like me. they have a torso with arms legs and a head coming off of it just like i do and they also have eyes and i have eyes, and they probably have all the same internal shit too, like lungs and neurons and blood and everything. you would think that the UN would be able to figure this out. holy shit maybe i am the smartest person in the world that is really scary.

also we could use the time machine to do other cool shit like not dropping an atomic bomb on japan and also not wipe out all the native americans with syphilis.

i'm sure that i would win a nobel prize, plus i would also be able to get into heaven without even accepting jesus christ as my personal lord and savior because my accomplishments would outshine even jesus. in your face jesus!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

money and blood don't mix

one time my grandpa gave me a car. then later he tried to extort money from me. i gave it back because i'm smart.

he was dating this bitch named judy with a glass eye so she looked retarded or something because her one eye was always off looking at nothing. because her pimp beat the shit out of her. that's why she had a glass eye. because she was a whore. and my grandpa was dating her.

she was also a junkie. it was pretty fucked up. i guess she was pretty expensive for him to keep. it was a sweet hookup for her though because not only did my grandpa have money for her ho ass he was also diabetic so there were always needles all around his apartment. it looked pretty dangerous over there like hepatitis city. i think i was the only one that ever met her. eric, if you're reading this did you ever meet that crazy bitch?

anyway, she died and then he died. even though she was like 40 years younger than him, when you are a junkie whore who tries to get old grandpas to extort money from their families you have such bad karma that you just die.

so now my uncle is left running my grandpa's business which, oops, owes the irs a gazillion dollars because guess what no taxes had been paid like ever.

so now my uncle is pretty much fucked.

money and blood don't mix like two dicks and no bitch you'll find yourself in serious shit.

all i ever needed to know in life i learned from biggie smalls, bitches!

super hot bookstore sex

last night i dreamed that that this guy took me to this crazy bookstore that was also an aquarium and after that we had fabulous fabulous sex. i wish i could have dreams like that all the time, no bookstore that cool actually exists in real life and if it did i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be having sex in it unless i worked there or something.

then i woke up and turned on the tv and found out that alan keyes' daughter is a lesbian. that's hilarious because it means that god hates alan keyes. Also on the news there is a new super aids that will bring you from the high five to full blown aids in like three weeks and is resistant to aids drugs. fuck i hope i didn't get super dream aids from the super hot unprotected dream sex i've been having.

then my nose started bleeding out of both sides at once. maybe it will start again at work and then everyone will know i've been blowing yayo up my nose for three straight days. i don’t remember actually doing that but why else would my nose start bleeding from both sides at once, seriously.

now my computer is fucked up at work and i can't read my gmail or write on my blog, so i'm writing this by hand with a pencil. pencils are the bane of my existance i don't even use them for math i hate them so much. the only thing they are good for is giving yourself chills by dragging the metal part along your neck in class. it's practically like masturbating in class if you do it right, awesome. But you can do that with a pen anyway, so fuck pencils.

guess who i had amazing bookstore sex with in my dream, someone who i don't know in real life whose blog i read. i can't decide if that is really sad or really hot.

Monday, February 14, 2005

i went to a valentines day party this weekend and i ate too much guacamole and grossly compelling orange nacho cheez and i also drank to much vodka, oh and i also ate too much candy. i made valentines that said happy vd and had pictures of venereal diseases on them, the best being either this black guys dick that was really dark but really red and infected at the same time and had things coming off the head that looked like teeth or this vagina that looked burnt and also had a gigantic blister on it. they were also made out of felt and had beads and lace on them and shit, so at first you probably thought it was going to be some nice valentine and then suddenly you realized you are looking at a big infected gash. yay.

a guy in a pin striped suit told me i was old. i was like who are you calling old, you smell like a grandpa and you have wrinkles, you look older than me. he thought i said i was old first and he was just agreeing but what i actually said is i feel like a real old person which means that i am tired because i have a busy life, duh.

i got five valentines, one of which had kristie alley on it and said "look who's talking FATSO" and one that said "love 2005 style." i need to ask mandy to give me a new valentine because hers were pretty and fuzzy and i was all excited about it and then i got drunk and lost it. plus janine made cds with pretty cases and the song list had pictures of cabbage patch kids on it.

i also wore a skirt for the first time since 1996 and i'm wearing it again today and it was the talk of the clinical program, how fantastic my skirt is i guess because when i was walking past all the clinical kids in the hall dan goes all the clinical girls really like your skirt. today i am the coolest kid in school.


happy valentines day!

Saturday, February 12, 2005

erin is a stupid name

the best part of my life is having an irish teacher on the first day of class and when they call role are all excited that i am irish too, except i'm not, my parents just named me erin because they are retards. i don't even like irish people, they're usually poor and red hair is ugly.

okay that was a lie, irish people are okay. i'm just not one of those dumb people that wants to be irish all bad and wears a green shamrock antennae things on saint patrics day and hangs up a stupid irish embroidery thing in my house that says some dumb shit like "may god turn your enemies legs so they walk with a limp" or some other thing that makes no sense and is stupid. irish food is also disgusting and potatos should die.

my mom's name is esther though, thank god she didn't name me that, even though maybe it will be the new cool name of the future or something since madonna thought it was kabbalatastic enough to name herself it. my bubbe's name was ida, but she was like nuh uh and changed it to Anne.

if i changed my name i could make it like a family tradition. i have to change it quick though, before i publish any research or else i'm stuck with stupid erin.

my middle name is gaia which is way cooler. and my last name sucks but i'm not going to write it down because i don' t want people to google me and come here. i'll just say it has a 'u' in it, which is the ugliest sounding letter ever, so ugly sometimes i say 'hanged' instead of hung even though i know it's wrong and ignorant.

would it be really weird if i just started going by a whole different name, like right now? i like carmen but i don't think i look like a carmen. maybe something totally weird, like lilu. how retarded would i be if i named myself after milla jovovich in the fifth element.

i like the letter e though.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

jesus is not an investment

asia believes in god now. she goes to aa. they make her.

i wish i could believe in god so he could help me do stuff. like maybe if i believed in god he would help me write my dissertation or something. but that would make me like a whore wouldn't it? like, okay jesus, what can you do for me?

every day minister coleman is on the green line soliciting money for the christian seminary outreach. minister coleman i doubt is a real minister, but maybe some sort of minister of the streets or something because he can barely even pronounce the word seminary. anyway, he says the same thing every time and every time the people at the window seats become fascinated with the scenery and the people at the aisle seats become fascinated with their cuticles.

apparently if you're bound by drugs or prostitution, christian seminary outreach will help you clean up your act. that's what minister coleman says and he's not only the president he's also a client.

christian seminary outreach will never ask for payment of any kind, but what they do ask is that you accept jesus christ as your personal lord and savior. (i think that was a direct quote, fuck, my brain memorized that shit without me asking it to. why does my brain hate me?)

that's okay though, because if you are smart enough to think that is fucked up you are probably smart enough to quit durgs by yourself, or at least realize that you should go to actual rehab and not fake jesus rehab.

I'm going to go pray for money now.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

v day

I made the best valentine in the world. It's totally awesome yet repulsive. The only thing is that you have to be ready when you first look at it because you might throw up a little bit and you probably want to make sure you don't get any vom on your little valentines day outfit or whatever.

Valentines day is retarded. So is easter. Bring back the holy trinity of december: presents presents and so drunk I can't stand, otherwise known as my birthday, christmas and New years.

There's another issue for honesty magazine: I don't care about Jesus, just give me presents. Too bad the Jews don't have better mascots and shit, seriously, a sack of gelt vs. a fucking tree with 100 presents under it.

How weird would it be if I sent out power point versions of my funny valentine to people I don't know in the real world of reality, like screetus or fern? The only thing would be that people might open it up and sue me. Seriously, it's that gross.


mr. molest

i don't think my mom loves me.

when i was like 14 i got sexually harrassed by this old ass man named mr. molest. this douchebag lived across the street from my parents and he used to show me his dick. he planned the shit out too, because he would tell his daughter in law that he had a dental appointment and then she would call me over to babysit except there really was no appointment and when i got there he would walk around naked the whole time and one time i think he tried to get me to touch his dick. plus he wanted to take me shopping for "revealing clothes." and i fucking love shopping but seriously.

mr. molest had the spare key to our house, and one time my mom was on a trip and i came home from a gymnastics meet and mr. molest was in my house. i'm sure he thouroughly enjoyed sniffing my panties, SICK.

why would my parents give our housekey to a guy named mr. molest? well, his real name isn't mr. molest, it's mr. pervert, but seriosly mr. molest sounds so much funnier. anyway mr. molest had a keg party on his front porch every single day and of course all the dads were over there all the time. so here's a pointer for all the pedophiles that are reading this: if you want to mildly molest one of your neighbors, her dads love for beer might be stronger than his concern for his first born child, and if that is the case you are in fucking luck.

so i told my parents about all of this, and what did they say, they said "don't call him mr. molest that's fucking rude and disrespectful." WHAT?? because i thought that the rude and disrespectful part was when i got tricked into coming over to some old dude's house so he could show me his dick! then my parents forced me to attend his christmas eve party, and even though i bet my mom would deny it because she's probably blocked it out of her mind in order to preserve her self image, she made me give him a hug. like, after i had told her what a sick fuck he was.

i wonder if i could sue my mom for this, mental anguish and shit. because more fucked up than the fact that i got practically molested is the fact that she kept making me go over there to babysit! then one time the daughter in law came home early and saw him being all weird and then called me to ask if anything happened, like maybe she thought he raped me or something, and then she also called my mom. so then she never asked me to babysit again after that thank god.

so this weekend i was at my parents house and we went to watch the superbowl with some neighbors, and i said something like "is mr. molest going to be there, SICK" and my mom started screaming at me not to talk bad about people! She freaked the fuck out! i was like what the fuck mom, he SEXUALLY HARRASSED ME! and she told me it was in the past and i need to get over it. that's the fucking funniest shit ever because my mom still talks mad shit about how the next door neighbor got all up in her face regarding whether some stupid tree was actually our property or theirs. my mom is like the queen of never getting over shit. By the time I brought that up my mom was practically foaming at the mouth and my brother had to diffuse the situation.

anyway, i have no idea what the fuck is wrong with my mom. she even made me let him take my picture in my cheerleading uniform freshman year so he could put in on his huge board full of pictures of underage girls.

seriously, what is wrong with her???


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

i like you

scotty d thinks i hate everyone because i was like fuck dan and lisa and i was like fuck dave and that's when he was like woah, you hate everyone. and i'm like no, i liked your ex girlfriend sarah, and he said i will never date a girl that hot again. and i was like remember when dan's friend hit me in the face and i had two black eyes and my nose was all broken and i looked like a bruised malnouirshed rhinocerous and then they had me uninvited to that wedding?? i can hate them if i want!!! anyway dave always borrows stuff and never gives it back, it could be anything, like your handsome boy modeling school cd or your cool inside out pipe that you had forever or your african sulcatta tortise, and did i mention that you will never get it back. so what if i don't smoke weed anymore that doesn't mean i'm not selfish and just want to give all my shit away!! anyway he killed lowly, GOSH!

anyway, there are actually people that i like, like scott, because he screams "COLD TURKAAAY" and smacks innocent bystanders in the face with a rubber chicken, and jessica because she has good jokes, and xan because she will do anything for my amusement included getting spanked by a dominatrix.

so you see all you have to do is make me laugh and don't hit me.

if you're not one of those three people i probably still like you just not that much. if you're interested in improving your standing you can send me poppies or serenade me but it has to be with that song i love technology or whatever from napoleon dynamite. thanks.

Monday, February 07, 2005

think tank

Today I attended a brainstorming meeting with a bunch of people from other departments. Apparently I was invited to attend the meeting because I Think Outside The Box.

So I sat there staring out the window and munching on sweet tarts and listened patiently to all the well thought out points that everyone presented, and then I said "I don't see how this is a good idea at all, and there's a pretty good chance that it might be, um, illegal."

Hopefully by outside the box they meant unconstrained by the normal rules of polite society.

oops, i think i dropped my soul

So the other day I mentioned that my friend Amy was a professional protestor, and Abnormal wanted to know what is the going rate for a professional protestor these days, and I was like hahahhahah strictly pro bono. But then because I am an evil genius, I started wondering why we can't pay people to protest.

Like, yeah, I'm sure it totally sucks to have to run past a bunch of fat fundamentalists on the way to your abortion, what with all the screaming there's probalby spit flying everywhere, and pictures of stewed tomatoes or bloody aborted zygotes or whatever, but I bet it would be more effective if the protestors were like all the coolest kids from your school. Why doesn't the religious right just pay all the cool kids to stand outside the clinic, they could just stand around and file their nails, and then when someone comes they could be like "abortions are so 1997." and "ew, don't sign her yearbook, she's a baby killer."

Then I realized that this would actually be a double pronged attack, because according to the laws of cognitive dissonance, even if the cool kids were only in it for the money, they would eventually start to believe in what they were doing, because if they didn't they would realize that they had black souls and would have to kill themselves, and seriously, it's so much easier to change your attitudes than to change your behaviors. Why do you think your dad turned republican when he started earning 100k?

Like if you make someone publicly state an opinion contrary to his actual opinion, he will probably change his own opinion. This sounds ridiculous, but unfortunately the human mind is weak and predictable. Take a social psychology class, it's fucking fascinating.

Is it legal to pay people to put political bumper stickers on their cars?

Will somebody please hire me to rule the world?

Sunday, February 06, 2005

fucked up performance art

Posted by Hello
Last night I was at a show, and in between acts this tall skinny white guy comes out and starts breakdancing in the middle of the floor. And he sucks. And he's got some kind of do rag on his head. And he's wearing leggings. And knee pads. I'm like "WHAT THE FUCK?" I guess he was like the Napoleon Dynamite of the Chicago hip hop scene, except instead of his dancing being hilariously awesome it was awsomely hilarious, by which I mean terrible.

I don't think I'm conveying exactly what was going on. Like, at one point he did a forward roll. And then he started doing forward rolls like crazy all around the floor. I think he also might have slid across the floor on his knees with full jazz hands. More than once.

Where the fuck is my digital camera, Christmas was a fucking month ago and I'm missing fabulous opportunities to capture fucked up performance art on film!!

My new goal is to learn the Napoleon Dynamite dance. Then I can teach it to Jessica and we can break it out in unison. I bet it will be way easier than my old goal which was to learn Spanish, and seriously, there is probably a better chance that I will need to burst into a spontaneous choreograhped dance than there is of me needing to speak Spanish.

Friday, February 04, 2005

happy black history month

AOL is so stupid it makes me want to go up to the roof of my building and scream at the top of my lungs and tear all my hair out and throw it on the ground and stomp on it.

Can everything just be run by Google now please? Because I really like how when I check my gmail I'm not assualted by the stupidest things ever, such as ads as big as my head or fake news stories that sound like something you would read in the onion and probably think was totally hilarious, except they are for real.

Black, Bold and Beautiful! In honor of black history month AOL brings to you 10 African American Icons! Except they're fashion icons, and by icons they mean disasters I guess because they included Lil Kim. Oh yeah, plus I didn't know Bob Marley was a fashion icon, but I guess he was. Wait, is this article suggesting that black people's main contribution in life is fucked up fashion?

Who Has Inspired you? AOL offers this question for me to puzzle over, and in case I'm not sure there are some pictures of truly inspirational Americans to help me along. I'm not sure if AOL actually knows what inspirational means, because their examples include Katie Couric and Donald Trump. The only thing that Katie Couric inspires in me is nausea and vomiting. They also include Einstein who is super inspirational yet probably not so much American. I don't get it, are we really voting for our top five greatest Americans like they said we were or is this just some crazy free for all? Because if so I'm going to vote for Elian Gonzales. Remember that kid? He must be like 16 years old by now!

Thanks Elian, for entertaining me during the slow news days when we had a cool ass president who played the sax and didn't fuck shit up every single day!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

apathetic is the new irate

So it seems I did not watch the state of the union address or whatever last night.

Hm. I'm over it. I'm sure it super sucked, and the president probably mispronounced his own name or something.

My mom didn't watch it either. She's going to a Marid Gras party this weekend and sent me this crazy email with like 500 contact numbers for me to reach her, and at the end of the email it's like "oh crap, the president is on tv talking and I want to watch West Wing. I'd rather watch a cheap imiation of our president than watch our actual imitation president." Meanwhile in Elgin Mandy's mom was watching Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.

I remember the last state of the union address when the retard didn't even know what the state of the union adress was. State of the nation, or speak to the nation, uh, me no talky good.

I even talked to my friend in Berkeley last night, and somehow the president never came up, which is really weird because I hate George Bush is all she said for 3 whole years and she was even a professional protestor, and ended up getting beat by the police so badly that she had to be hospitalized.Oh my god, I think the president killed our spirit! Fuuuck.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

that fucking goundhog better get it's shit together

My Favorite things to do in Chicago in February:

1. wear a sweatsuit.
2. apply carmex liberally
3. drink vodka.
4. look at the caller id and hit "decline"
5. eat this really gross herring thing that comes in a jar and also has onions
6. listen to my new favorite song (Kookies, MF Doom, mm food)
7. worry about how I will soon become indifferent to new favorite song if I keep hitting repeat
8. wear knee socks
9. have face dandruff because my skin is so fucking dry


this is what my life has become?

I woke up this morning and I felt like shit so I called in sick to work and made some Annie Chun's chow mein noodles and garlic black bean sauce and then I threw up in the sink a little bit.

Then I watched Family Matters for a little while and what the fuck! The mom is a totally different lady! She doesn't look the same and she doesn't act the same. She acts so differently that I'm pretty sure she's not even trying to act the same. Every time she said a line I thought in my head how the original Harriette Winslow would have said it, which made me think, damn! I think I'm a better actress than this lady that's actually on tv! But then I wondered if it was only in my head that I could do it, because I'm good at everything that I do in my head. So I tried it out loud and I decided I should be famous.

In case you've forgotten about Family Matters it's pretty bad. But it's not so bad that it's good again, like Walker Texas Ranger or something. It's just, meh.

Steve is in love with Laura and Myra is in love with Steve. Which makes no sense because Myra is way hotter than Laura, plus she has all this shit in common with Steve like she plays the accordian and does weird snorty noises, plus she's not a bitch.

This is what happens to your life when it is cold and dark and you can't help but stay home and drink your life away.

Hm. I tried to find some funny webpages with pictures of the stars of family matters on them, but nothing was as funny as this.

If you just did not click on that link please click on it and read that guys whole web page, pore over it, I mean it, it's hilarious.

This is my most boring post ever, I'm even getting bored writing it. I'm going to take a nap now.


Tuesday, February 01, 2005

dirty south

When I was little I wanted an American Girl doll. My mom did not buy me one, because she is not a stupid peice of shit mom.

Not that your mom is, I'm sure all our moms are super awesome.

I wanted the Swedish one, because you could buy a St. Lucia's day outfit for her, and my birthday is on St. Lucia's day which I thought was cool even though I'm not Swedish and I don't even know what St. Lucia's day is.

So I can only imagine that if I was 8 years old and Mexican and I lived in Pilsen, surely I could not live without Marisol.

All the American Girl dolls have a back story. Like the Swedish one was blond and she probably lived in a fucking cottage or something. And I think there was one from world war two.

I bet if I was 8 years old and Mexican and living in Pilsen I would be filled with fucking glee while I read about Marisol and her fucking crazy beanie she wears and all her exploits in Harrison Park which might be right across the street from my own house!

I wonder how I would feel when I read the part where Marisol's mom tells her they are moving to fucking Des Plaines because Pilsen is so super ghetto!

Probably I would say "Mommmeeeeeee! Marisol's mom says that Pilsen is no place for a little girl to grow up! Do you hate me?"

And then my mom would be like "No Honey, Marisol's mom was just worried about all the traffic."

And that would not be my mom making up the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life, that would be my mom reapeating an actual statement that was made by some American Girl spokesperson named Stephanie Spanos, aka the dumbest bitch in the world.

I don't think that Pilsen is even a bad neighborhood. Maybe that's because I go to school in the middle of the projects. As annoying as poverty stricken destitute individuals are, they don't usually kill you. Plus I'm pretty sure Pilsen is mostly working class, kind of like the neighborhood I live in now, which people think is the worst neighborhood in the world, because they are secretly scared of black people I guess.

The north side is the new suburbs.


what I meant to write yesterday

Boxing is a real sport.

In boxing, you don't have to worry about your team's corrupted management totally ruining your life.

Yes, I know Don King is corrupted, I'm just saying.

The boxing commision is all pissed because the movie Million Dollar Baby is ruining their stellar reputation.

You know, the reputation that wasn't ruined

When Mike Tyson raped that girl

And bit Evander Holyfield's ear off

And said he was going to eat his children

And got a cuh-ray-zee tattoo all over his damn face

OH, and also talked about wanting to rape someone's mom.

The lighter fighers are better to watch anyway.

Trust me.
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