Wednesday, December 28, 2005

have you ever seen me before?

presents. getting presents is fucked up. especially when you open them and they are a turtleneck and you are like, um, i have never worn a turtleneck in my life HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE?

or when you get a nightgown and you are like woah do people even wear nightgowns anymore? and if they do where do they even get them because i have no idea where i am supposed to return this at. and then you tell your friend about it and she's like yeah i got a nightgown too mine has lace on it and it makes me want to die. it's always like your boyfriend's mom that gets you a nightgown because they don't want to think about you sleeping naked next to their son. do i really look like i sleep in a nightgown no i don't.

last year my aunt sent me this thing and first of all i'm like what the hell is this i don't even know what this is. too bad what it was was one of those chains old people put on their glasses so they can let their glasses fall around their necks or whatever. like i really need my glasses hanging from a chain around my neck OH WAIT I DON'T WEAR GLASSES. seriously have you ever seen me before?

DO I LOOK LIKE I WEAR TURTLENECKS AND NIGHTGOWNS WITH BOWS ON THEM AND GLASSES CHAINS BECAUSE I'M SERIOUSLY OFFENDED.

like if you have ever seen me before you have probably seen me in a hoodie and you have probably seen me in a blue triple five soul hoodie that is old as hell. why don't you buy me a new hoodie. like instead of glasses accessories for the glasses i don't have.

and then my family tries to make me drink egg nog. no mom, i hate egg nog. REALLY YOU DO NOT LIKE EGG NOG? yeah remember how i never liked egg nog any of the other years i still do not like it.

opening presents is also super awesome at my house because my dad is insane and he has to get out his little binder and record in it every fucking thing everyone got. this is how it goes oh my god it is so annoying: my mom is opening a box and my dad is like WHO IS THAT FROM and my mom is like this is from erin and my dad is like WHO? and i am like ME DAD IT'S FROM ME. my dad pretends he is not totally going deaf. then my mom opens it and it is obviously a shirt and my dad is like WHAT IS IT and my mom's like a shirt and he's like WHAT KIND OF SHIRT and i'm like IT'S JUST A SHIRT DAD IT'S A BLACK SHIRT. that is not enough for him. he needs to write down like black cashmere cardigan from marshall fields. yeah right like i really bought my mom a cashmere sweater. anyway opening presents at my house is like the gayest shit ever.

oh wait the gayest shit ever is an oscar wilde ACTION FIGURE. sometimes you have a friend who is an english teacher and you're like my friend is totally going to love this asinine oscar wilde action figure. or you're not like that like if you're not retarded. at least i did not get an oscar wilde action figure this year. good luck trying to pretend you think an oscar wilde action figure is cool.
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