Thursday, December 29, 2005

love with you love with you

you met someone and you didn't hate them immediately which is practically like a whole new thing for you. and maybe they were beautiful and you were like i could probably look at you for a pretty long time without getting tired. and when they talk you like don't even want them to shut up or whatever. and then they start touching you and you are like oh my god if you touch me again i am going to burst into flames please touch me again. when you're sleeping next to them you can feel your pulse behind your eyes. in the morning you can't figure out which of you is more sarcastic and you can't even tell if anything you're saying is serious or if you are speaking in secret codes. and you don't even tell them your story because you're listening to theirs actually paying attention for like the first time ever. you have inside jokes by one and when they look at you you don't say 'WHAT' like you usually do because you don't hate it and now you are in love. and you should never see them again please don't. what does that mean when you are in love with someone you don't even know not really. i don't even believe in love. fuck. i love you.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

have you ever seen me before?

presents. getting presents is fucked up. especially when you open them and they are a turtleneck and you are like, um, i have never worn a turtleneck in my life HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE?

or when you get a nightgown and you are like woah do people even wear nightgowns anymore? and if they do where do they even get them because i have no idea where i am supposed to return this at. and then you tell your friend about it and she's like yeah i got a nightgown too mine has lace on it and it makes me want to die. it's always like your boyfriend's mom that gets you a nightgown because they don't want to think about you sleeping naked next to their son. do i really look like i sleep in a nightgown no i don't.

last year my aunt sent me this thing and first of all i'm like what the hell is this i don't even know what this is. too bad what it was was one of those chains old people put on their glasses so they can let their glasses fall around their necks or whatever. like i really need my glasses hanging from a chain around my neck OH WAIT I DON'T WEAR GLASSES. seriously have you ever seen me before?


like if you have ever seen me before you have probably seen me in a hoodie and you have probably seen me in a blue triple five soul hoodie that is old as hell. why don't you buy me a new hoodie. like instead of glasses accessories for the glasses i don't have.

and then my family tries to make me drink egg nog. no mom, i hate egg nog. REALLY YOU DO NOT LIKE EGG NOG? yeah remember how i never liked egg nog any of the other years i still do not like it.

opening presents is also super awesome at my house because my dad is insane and he has to get out his little binder and record in it every fucking thing everyone got. this is how it goes oh my god it is so annoying: my mom is opening a box and my dad is like WHO IS THAT FROM and my mom is like this is from erin and my dad is like WHO? and i am like ME DAD IT'S FROM ME. my dad pretends he is not totally going deaf. then my mom opens it and it is obviously a shirt and my dad is like WHAT IS IT and my mom's like a shirt and he's like WHAT KIND OF SHIRT and i'm like IT'S JUST A SHIRT DAD IT'S A BLACK SHIRT. that is not enough for him. he needs to write down like black cashmere cardigan from marshall fields. yeah right like i really bought my mom a cashmere sweater. anyway opening presents at my house is like the gayest shit ever.

oh wait the gayest shit ever is an oscar wilde ACTION FIGURE. sometimes you have a friend who is an english teacher and you're like my friend is totally going to love this asinine oscar wilde action figure. or you're not like that like if you're not retarded. at least i did not get an oscar wilde action figure this year. good luck trying to pretend you think an oscar wilde action figure is cool.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

christmas is so gay.

my mom got me the joy of cooking. it has recipes for brains in it.

i popped all the buttons off this shirt so i guess i might as well wear it every day and drink pabst blue ribbon.

i ended up at these kids house on thursday that smelled like nag champa and had art shit everywhere. i wanted to steal something from their bathroom but all i could find in their medicine cabinet was organic tampons.

time to eat pate and look at the encyclopedia of serial killers.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

another wednesday night

last night i worked until seven and then i met embot and the first thing we did was buy peppermint schnapps and the next thing we did was buy hot chocolate which was actually some kind of huge ordeal because dunkin donuts was out and mcdonalds does not have large hot chocolates and they refuse to put hot chocolate in a large pop cup for you FASCIST HOT CHOCOLATE NAZIS. so we ran into the alley but all the good hiding places were covered in urine so we spiked our hot chocolate on the street and asked baby jesus where we could find the elusive daley center ice skating rink but he didn't know. what the fuck baby jesus.

i drank tequilla and my clothes did not fall off and i did a crossword puzzle on the train ride home because i am AWESOME and also a genius. also i can ice skate backwards.

i also had some beef jerky and emily brought me cupcakes and i kept on saying OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO EAT THIS CUPCAKE RIGHT NOW but then i never ate them. i am such a slut for red meat. remember how i didn't eat meat for six years? what the fuck was i thinking. i have a forty on my counter now. who wants to drink a warm forty and eat a cupcake with me.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

so fucking demanding

i want a new jacket and i want it to be navy blue or dark gray and i want it to have ridiculousy long sleeves that totally cover my hands and also have really long elastic-y cuffs i can flip in and hold onto while the sleeves are covering my hands and also it should have some holes in the long ass sleeves in case i want to stick my fingers out and smoke cigarettes or poke people in the eyes or whatever. also it should have zippers on it. also it should have a really big hood. this is why i need to learn how to make my own clothes.

i have to go buy a hat right now because i left mine in my other apartment. yes i have two apartments. i want my hat to be vermillion red. will i ever find a vermillion red hat no i will not. i am going ice skating tonight and if i do not have a hat i am going to freeze to death and even my peppermint schnapps infused hot chocolate is not going to save me.

i also need new shoes. today i wore my dog walking shoes to work. my dog walking shoes are those suede pumas from like 1994 yes i still have them and yes they have fat laces. i can't wear my normal shoes anymore because my normal shoes are made out of mesh and barely have a bottom they are like walking around in socks.

i like these buy them for me buy me these too.

is it hannukah yet i guess i should probably call my mom.
okay so i work with this bitch. i seriously hate this bitch so much that when she had a miscarriage last year i was like hahahahahah maybe if you weren't such a bitch your baby wouldn't have died inside you. anyway this woman is driving me so fucking insane i'm about to go throw myself down the elevator shaft. i'm trying to attach these fucking stupid ass spreadsheets i made and i am so fucking flustered that i hit some button and sent out this email with WINKING AND BLUSHING FUCKING SMILEY FACES on it. oh man. i sent them to this guy who is probably going to sue me for sexual harassment or else just think i am the biggest fucking idiot in the universe. okay i seriously wish someone would just fire me right now because i really fucking hate my job. time to jam flaming bamboo shoots under my fingernails.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

do you do you wanna

why am i standing like montgomery burns in this photo i have no idea.

the only thing i want out of life is to wake up next to someone who will eat a hot dog with me and watch a documentary of slick rick and lay around all day and not take a shower i always get what i want.

all i want is to leave my own party i'll be like hey wanna leave? and he will be like yeah and then we end up at some tapas place drinking jameson and whispering about the guy at the way other side of the table and how he gave me two black eyes one time.

reggae is the worst kind of music ever all i want to do is not have to listen to reggae at a polish bar we are there only for drugs i think i do not always get what i want but almost.

after reading the soft machine i realized i am probably a literary mastermind for not using commas. probably now i can write a book and jack kerouac can write that i'm a genius of our times on the back of it. maybe william s burroughs is my secret father. likes: fucking. drugs. shooting water glasses off people's heads. dislikes: commas.

went to the smartbar saturday nobody was there for some reason. drank out of a flask because i am a trashy little girl. you know you are classy when someone calls you a trashy little girl. and you like it.

then i stole a picture of mike ditka from some hipsters because i always get what i want and what i want is a picture of mike ditka that says DITKA MUSTACHE GO on it. i thought hipsters were supposed to be geniuses with decoupage or something but this thing is not an exemplary peice of ironic hipster art. maybe they weren't hipsters. i don't know they had black hair and bangs. FAUX HIPSTERS.

sunday sucked. i didn't get anything i wanted. kill me.


Friday, December 16, 2005

hot wet and all tied up

one time there was this guy at my house that was pretty gorgeous but unfortunately not dumb.

i like dumb guys. you can trick them because they are so dumb. it's easy to make them fall in love with you by making them think you don't realize how dumb they are. they pretty much know they are dumb and they hate it because honestly who wants to think about how dumb they are. i mean sometimes i think about shit like that but sometimes i also dig my fingers under my eyeballs as far as i can to see how close i can get to popping out my eyeballs without freaking out. so.

to get dumb guys to fall in love with you all you have to do is allude to the lie that they are smart. it will fill their dumb hearts with elation because they will actually believe you. then for the next month you can listen to them say the dumbest shit ever.

so this guy. he is gorgeous. except he is not dumb so i don't know what to do. so far i've been advised to talk to him a lot and like laugh and touch his arm. and then when i'm laughing and touching his arm i should rip his clothes off and start boning him. i guess i could see this working. maybe i should wear a skirt.

essay tests are fucking annoying. like why aren't you asking me when we should do a manova and when we should do seperate anovas i studied it for seven hours I WANT TO EXPLAIN MANOVAS TO YOU YOU FUCKING BASTARD TEST. instead it asks me to write an essay about logit. want to read an essay about logit? it goes "logit is the natural log of the odds. logit (P) = bo + b1X + e." i don't know if that's an essay so much as it is a sentence. a sentence and an equation for a line that i put the word logit in front of. i also like making flowcharts on tests. i make sur i use the correct shapes for my if-then statements regarding k-means clustering. then my professors think 'this person does not know how to write in sentences and this is not an essay but damn this is a beautiful flowchart.'

also i got my paper back and it said a bunch of shit on it like for example 'WEAK JUSTIFICATION' and 'LIT REVIEW DOES NOT PROVIDE A STRONG THEORETICAL BASIS FOR INTERPRETING FACTORS' and stuff like 'THIS GRAPH IS TOTALLY WRONG' and 'YOU MUST BE RETARDED' and then i got 27/30 on it. in graduate school they pretty much don't want to ever tell you anything good. plus they want to make sure you don't forget they're smarter than you. EVEN THOUGH YOU GOT AN 'A' ON YOUR PAPER YOU WILL NEVER BE AS SMART AS ME.

no more school for a month time for vodka.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

my girl wants to party all the time

i am so fucking cool i was invited to jessica's vip avante garde celebration of not having diabetes.

guess what i'm doing. celebrating the fact that i don't have diabetes by licking sour apple sugar gel of a piece of paper.

yeah it was that kind of party. next we played the choking game and levitated each other. no we didn't but we should have.

on saturday some girl was like oh! you're gaya bukakke! yes i am. yes i am.

now that's just hot. i call it the businessman lunch.



it's my birthday today somebody build me a cake. i'm 26. when i was like 15 and smoking cigarettes and my mom told me i was going to die of smoking cigarettes i was like GOOD I HOPE IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M LIKE 42.

i mourned my youth while i was still in it. how much longer? how much longer until i can't cut through people's yards for shortcuts how much longer until i have to walk on sidewalks like a normal person. i still cut through people's lawns clods of dirt clinging to my grown up shoes dragging sod through the office wondering how many days i can wear the same black shirt before somebody says something. how much longer AS LONG AS I FUCKING WANT.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

i am not cool at all

so i took this personality test online. i am having serious doubts about the validity of this test. maybe i'll do a construct validity study of one and correlate my scores on it with my scores on the 16pf. the 16pf is judgmental and i love it. it told me i was cold and calculating and possibly psychotic. this test told me i was 43% mystical. yeah okay.
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by

you know what i don't even know what these numbers mean. does this mean i'm more needing to be dominant than 90% of people? because i seriously doubt they normed this test. i also seriously doubt i am 10% religious.

'i seriously doubt they normed this test.' do you like what a geek i am for tests?

the lovely people at also provided me with a snapshot of my personality in case i already didn't know what i was like:

messy, disorganized, social, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, not good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture

i don't know why it thinks i don't like to be alone. too bad there wasn't a question like 'i'm going to die alone and love it' and i would have been like 'hell yes motherfuckers' and then it wouldn't have been so confused. also it thinks i'm materialistic because i told it i could not be happy making less money than i do. too bad it didn't ask me if i make negative 20k.

how come this snapshot does not say anything about what a fucking genius i am?

the amazing thing though is that this test knows i love food. there weren't even any questions about food. also that i like making fun of people. how the fuck did it know that?
oh god now i'm getting hard thinking about doing principle components analysis on this test. where is my pocket protector.


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

there is seriously nothing i want to eat in the fucking vending machine WHAT THE FUCK. i am going to invent a hot dog machine that has hot dogs in it. if a vending machine can heat up coffee there is no reason it can't heat up a hotdog for thirty seconds or whatever. also the hotdog machine will be shaped like the sears tower and there will be condiments on all the little ledges. also there will be a replica of bernie mac's face with a little button next to it that says 'push here for ketchup' and when you push it bernie mac will spit ketchup in your eyes.

there is no ketchup on a chicago style hot dog you fucking idiot.

also you can get kosher hot dogs and tofu dogs and you can also put cheese on it or you can put chili and cheese on it or you can get a corndog. you can even get sauerkraut on your hot dog. also you can get your hotdog cut up and served in a cup of baked beans. also you can get a tootsie pop out of the same machine. all the tootsie pops are purple because that is my favorite color tootsie pop. the tootsie pop will be complimentary. if you don't like tootsie pops give it to a homeless person or your kid.

hotdog vending machine mania will sweep the nation.

Monday, December 05, 2005

that's really interesting oh wait no it's not

i hate meeting ten thousand people and they're all like WHAT DO YOU DO? i am not going to remember your name in seven seconds i really do not give a shit what you do. wow you are 22 and in law school because you WORKED YOUR ASS OFF IN UNDERGRAD. too bad all i did during my six years of undergrad was blow coke up my nose and sleep through my morning classes and I STARTED A PHD PROGRAM WHEN I WAS 23. law school at 22 is not going to get you laid by me. i hate a drunk girl at the bar that is elbowing everybody in the tits and thrashing her head all around so you know she is about to projectile vomit all over everything. what do you do? i get so drunk you can't understand me when i talk.

this guy i know was at a bar where there were strippers not a strip club but a super shitty bar and there was a stripper at the bar. i don't know why. the striper had a dildo on a drill and guys were drilling her with the dildo plus she had one of those little saws that goes back and forth really fast and there was a dildo on that too and she had it in her ass. and she kept on being like HARDER DO IT HARDER. next time somebody asks me what i do i am going to tell them i do that.

what do you do? i get drilled in the pussy and ass for money. with tools. ah, real estate law. that is so very intriguing. i myself have sex with tools for the amusement of others. you should buy me a drink. maybe later you can dress up like al borland and screw me. like for real with a screwdriver.

Friday, December 02, 2005

where in the world is jessie spano?

when i turned on tv this morning as i got dressed for court i knew today was going to be a perfect day. even though i was hungover and the only thing in the refrigerator was a diet cherry coke aka the most disgusting thing ever that i drank anyway and wanted to puke. saved by the bell the college years was on. THE COLLEGE YEARS. it took them until college to adress the poignant issue of ac slater's heritage. too bad zack didn't really give a shit about slater discovering his chicano roots until mario lopez delivered probably the best line of his career 'MY REAL LAST NAME ISN'T EVEN SLATER, IT'S SANCHEZ' or something like that. oh my god hilarious. nice jehri curl ac sanches.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

hell no

man what the fuck i just got asked on myspace to walk on some guy. yeah this guy is looking for pretty girls to walk on him. this is why i put myspace on the list with indiana and wood paneling. the fucking so tragic it brings a tear to my eye list. ah myspace. much like meth i can't live with you can't live without you. just kidding. i could totally live without myspace. but it is like meth in that it can make you want to gouge your own eye out. i don't really do meth.

the dude is called carpetman. did you know that he worships women so much that he wants to let them walk on his body for SEVENTY DOLLARS??? why do i think i should so do this? oh yeah, because i would be getting paid for the fucking most amusing shit ever that would take like ten minutes. also if i degrade him he will pay extra. hey man get ready for ninety dollars worth of degredation and me walking on you.

hey pants when you visit me do you want to walk on this guy? seriously we could go over to his apartment and walk on him for a few hours and then we could buy so much vodka we could just pour it all over people on the street. also i bet we could get this guy to buy us french maid outfits and tasers. carpetman will love it when you're walking all over him in stilettos and i'm kneeling on his chest tasering him in the face while i tell him he flosses his teeth with his dad's cum. in french maid outfits. on the internet. we could also dance around and throw confetti on him and tell him to shut up.

thank heavens for myspace elevens best new career of 2005 french maid dominatrix walker.
Listed on BlogShares