Tuesday, November 15, 2005

thanksgiving can eat a dick


when the hell is stupid ass thanksgiving. coming up. i fucking hate thanksgiving. fuck thanksgiving and fuck pilgrims. i'm not going to say fuck indians because they are already fucked and genoicided by white people. don't blame me i am a jew i'm pretty sure none of my ancestors raped and pillaged any native americans they just killed jesus MERRY CHRISTMAS.

i used to work at this gas station every year on thanksgiving like on purpose because i hate it so much and then i could be like sorry mom i have to work because I AM FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH GOOD ETHICS LIKE RESPONSIBILITY. also this italian kid that used to come in there all the time brought me a bunch of calamari and stuffed manicotti and shit one year which was awesome because I HATE THANKSGIVING FOOD IT IS TERRIBLE AND DISGUSTING. fuck turkey. it doesn't even taste like blood at all. what in the fuck is the point of eating a dead carcass if you can't even taste the blood of it. I HAVE NO IDEA. the worst thing is that on thanksgiving my mom makes like ten kinds of potatoes. potatoes are so disgusting they make me want to die. plus after i eat them i feel like i've been shot with ten tranquilizer darts. fuck religion being the opiate of the masses, potatoes are the fucking opiate of the masses. potatoes: keeping poor people lethargic and confused since 1501. also i hate pumpkin pie. pumpkin pie. WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?

too bad when i was younger every year my mom would like start crying and say WELL YOU'VE RUINED THANKSGIVING JUST LIKE YOU DO EVERY YEAR. i also ruin christmas every year and easter aka the holiday where jesus rose from the dead that is stupid to celebrate if you do not believe or give a shit about jesus rising from the dead like my family doesn't. i can totally ruin thanksgiving without trying it's not even hard. i think looking at my face ruins thanksgiving for my mom. here's a picture of some family fighting on the street on thanksgiving.

thank god anyway that my parents never established the stupid tradition of going around the table and saying shit that we are thankful for because i would be like UM I HAVE NO IDEA. i guess i could probably be like I'M THANKFUL YOU NEVER MADE ME DO THIS STUPID SHIT FOR ANY OF THE PAST THANKSGIVINGS. the only tradition we have in my family is that every year when we're about to eat my brother says 'dag erin, if i knew this was going to be that kind of party i'm gonna stick my SPOON in the mashed potatoes!' then everyone in my family laughs and pretends they get it. then we eat. i guess it's kind of like our version of saying grace. people that say grace before they eat freak the fuck out of me.

after i was old enough not to i pretty much NEVER CELEBRATED THANKSGIVING AGAIN. with my family. now i celebrate thanksgiving with my fake family. my fake family is awesome because they are not really related to me so they never say shit like that i ruined thanksgiving or like WHY DO FAILURE TO APPEAR IN COURT NOTICES KEEP COMING IN THE MAIL? the thing that sucks is that this year i think i fucked myself out of fake family holiday privledges by secretly fucking my fake brother for the past three months. A VC ANDREWS THANKSGIVING. jessica says i should just go anyway. probably i will. i guess it might be interesting to ruin a whole other family's thanksgiving by making half the people in the room feel TOTALLY FUCKING AWKWARD while the other half are like all oblivious and shit. what else i will probably ruin is the friendship of my fake family friend who will probably stab me in the throat with that giant fork you use to serve turkey when she finds out what is going on. IF I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE THAT KIND OF PARTY.
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