Tuesday, October 25, 2005

fat man in a little coat

oh my god i am getting so fat i can not stand it what the fuck. one time i was fucking fat before because i was drinking beer and eating ramen noodles all the time. kind of like now. being poor makes me fat what the fuck.

being skinny fucking sucks nobody will ever tell you you are getting fat until like six years later you can show them a picture and be like are you seriously telling me i do not look fat as hell in this picture and they will be like actually yeah, you were pretty fat. when you are skinny and you start getting fat people will tell you you look healthy. HA. guess how i got so fucking healthy. cheap booze and cheetos.

pretty soon people will start telling me i have a pretty face. which i don't. it's a euphemism for 'you're so fat no one will ever love you.' when people start telling me i have a pretty face i am going to start throwing up my food. or meth. i'll just do tons of meth.

i'm getting a haircut today. people are going to be like something's different. did you get a haircut? and i'm going to be like no i'm fucking fat. then i'm going to start crying. hell yeah when i'm fat i'm going to be as sensitive as i want to be it will be like a new era. all the emotions i haven't felt in the past 20 years are going to come spewing out of me.

hopefully i'm pregnant. instead of just fat. i'm pretty sure the lady downstairs from us is running some kind of coat hanger abortion clinic out of her apartment so it ain't even a thing. too bad i should totally have the baby it would probably be the most beautiful bluest eyed baby in the universe like it would have to wear sunglasses all the time because if you looked directly into it's eyes you would probably have a stroke or something. that would be fucking awesome, my baby would be a weapon. i could be as fucking fat as i wanted then and if anybody pissed me off about it i'd be like look at my baby bitch, it's my beautiful ticket out of this town.

xani bar would be like why the fuck does this baby look just like me??? i'd be like i have no clue. it's certainly not because it's your neice. have you seen your brother the only way he would be fucking someone as fat as me would be if he had to because we were secretly married. duh.

don't worry i'm not really pregnant. i know because i shed my uterine lining this weekend. i guess i am just fat after all. fuck.
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