Tuesday, October 18, 2005

but i'll destroy it before it sees the light of day.

one time someone thought i was in love. i am not in love i said. laughing. she said why are you laughing? you are a liar. yes i am a liar. that is not why i'm laughing. two months from now i will not care if he dies. love is a lie.

love is a lie. PHENYLETHYLAMINE. OXYTOCIN. put that shit in a basket and set it on fire.

at night i run from people that don't exist. people that want to bind torture kill dismember and rape my dead limbless body. i race myself inside. i shake. ADRENALINE. i drop my keys.

so i say i control my brain. i say i'm the only person on earth with free will. i am not in love.

except he breakdances in his living room. ohhhhh. he breakdances in his living room. SERATONIN. DOPAMINE. TESTOSTERONE. yes. no. yes.

except he made me a giant bracelet out of weird white tape. weird white tape! NOREPINEPHRINE.

if meigs field was still real i would ask him to climb a fence and sit with me on the concrete and watch private planes take off. ENDORPHINS!

tell me you love me and i will pretend i am sleeping. it's a thin line between love and hate an i can easily see myself hating you. he said this to me. HE SAID THIS TO ME. he reads my mind. ACTION POTENTIAL! ACTION POTENTIAL!

i've been seeing him for two months? three months? two months? but he photographed me beautifully when i was 17. i was smoking a cigar and the smoke was all around me you could see it coming out of my mouth and you could tell i hadn't brushed my hair.

you have to love something to photograph it like that. i love garbage. and litter. dead birds. and him.
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