Saturday, September 24, 2005

slum city

yes. i lived in a slum.

when we moved in there was burger king in our fire place. me and dan got there first. it was like 5am and we were zombies. i'm standing in the doorway squinting at some whoppers rotting in our fireplace and i hear dan's mumble echoing like he's in a cave so i follow it into the bathroom and he's INSIDE a giant hole in the bathroom wall. woah, what the fuck, why is there a secret tunnel behind a fucking propped up peice of plywood in our bathroom??? a secret tunnel that is fucking loaded with secret live wires and i'm falling on the floor laughing yelling THIS IS SABATOGE while dan's banging his head on pipes trying to get the fuck out after he electrocuted the shit out of himself on a live wire which started sparking and jumping all around burning a hole in a pipe and completely flooding our whole entire house.

of course et is walking around documenting everything in a clipboard or some shit. type it save it print it sign it send it. dear paul saucer, why in the fuck is there a fucking landmine in our bathroom? thank you very much signed erin erin and dan. i'm seizing from electricity coursing through my body like EEEE TEEEE, MY FUCKING OUTLET IS ELECTROCUTING ME, WRITE THIS SHIT DOOOOOWN! i love getting electrocuted it feels scary and awesome at the same time. adrenaline loaded numbness. me and dan were like super electro-men after that walking around shocking the shit out of each other with our magic electro-loaded fingers.

there were no covers on the outlets or the light switches and wires were everywhere, twisted together, overtaking our walls like robot ivy. our refrigerator was alive and it crawled and grunted and pissed all over our floor.

living in a slum with five other people is fucking awesome. wait, six other people. i forgot we had a fucking hippie living on our couch for three months. seven other people. he found a friend. a friend with some warrants and an alias and it was hot as hell and we all ate ecstacy and took turns taking showers all day long except for et who sat in her room writing poetry and asking herself how she ended up living with five deviants. WHY ME???

i love living in a slum with a boarded up window and mold all over the walls. especially when i'm on drugs all the time. it's like living in a rave cave. it's like after you sit in a van in a parking lot on the beach and do glass until 6:00 in the morning you can go home to a fucking cave and pretend to be a vampire or something instead of going home to some sterile non slum that makes you realize you are a drug addled reject from society.

when you live in a slum you can ash your cigarettes all over the floor and cremate your hedgehog in the parking lot and it all seems normal. when you live in a slum and you have crazy upstairs neighbors that crash into your apartment in the middle of the night yelling because why lock your doors who cares if every surface of your apartment is covered in drugs and scales and baggies, you live in a slum, it all seems totally normal. when you live in a slum. when you live in a slum and everything is crawling with ants and mildew who cares if in a drug induced haze a wrong turn is made and someone pisses all over et's carpet who cares if dan eats shrimp and throws the tails all over the floor who cares if everybody can hear each other fucking all the time who cares if we all have fleas.

if you live in a slum it seems totally normal that your friends would take fistfulls of pharmies to come down from their three day cocaine binge and when they realized it was 9am on monday and they were still up they might as well go to class. and when they came back early because one of them vomited all over his desk it's hilarious in a way it might not have been if your carpet wasn't dotted with cigarette burns and if your appliances were white instead of mustard and if your malfunctioning garbage disposal wasn't clogged with rotting food. if there wasn't a tube sock hanging over the fireplace that said fuck christmas on it.

et was the last holdout. she scrubbed mold off the walls and swept broken glass off the floors while everyone else drank heinekins and watched. she hung up garlands and holly in december trying to give the apartment some sembelence of normality probalby hoping it would rub off on all of us. one day she couldn't take it anymore. she lit the tube sock on fire.

welcome home.
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