Saturday, August 27, 2005

repo man

my friend jenny used to be a repo man. a 19 year old waifish repo man. she used to bring her brother along when she went repo-ing. sometimes she used to bring me too because seriously what else am i going to be doing that is going to be more fun than repo-ing cars. two 19 year old waifish repo men with a body guard.

we used to go at night and usually nobody would be around so it was pretty uneventful. we would knock on the door and the person either wasn't home or was hiding with the lights off or something and then we would take their car. the whole thing was mostly driving like we'd drive to a house and get a car and drive it back to home base and then drive and get another car. i guess it was kind of like delivering pizzas but better because you get to drive around a lot of different cars and you can see what kind of tapes people are listening to and if they have any drugs in their back seat. what the fuck were we thinking doing drugs we found in the back seat of someone's repo-ed car, i have no idea. like woah, there's a baggie full of white powder back here! let's taste it on our fingers like we are narcotics officers! hm, this is not cocaine. too bad so sad let's snort it anyway.

one night we repo-ed a black escalade. people love buying escalades they can't afford i think it was like the most repo-ed car in our brief stint as repo men. it had super tacky rims and a bag of coke in the glove box. so instead of taking the car back to the place right away we're getting totally geeked driving all around the ghetto listening to this guys crucial conflict cd. anyway, we're at a red light and this shitty gray ford escort full of girls pulls up next to us. they're totally checking out the car and we're like yeah, i guess they like our escalade or whatever, and we turn up the stereo even louder and start acting super obnoxious and the light turns green and we keep driving, we're totally having the time of our lives and the ford falls back and gets behind us. jenny is laughing and turns around and is like woah, they're super pissed or something! i can see them in the rear view mirror they're like gesturing all wild and getting super worked up.

so we pull up to another red light and they swerve up next to us and start fucking screaming at us through the windows like what the fuck bitches what the fuck you doing with ronnie's car? huh? you know ronnie you fucking bitch? they totally thought we were ronnie's white girlfriends on the side or something and we're like uh, do we tell them we're repo men or what? we're pretty much sitting there like a geeked deer in headlights and the girl reaches into the back seat and pulls out something shiny and runs around to the front of the car and for a second i was like please god do not let this crazy bitch shoot me in the face but it was just a bottle and the next thing i knew the windsheild was shattered and there was glass all over my face and jenny's like DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE and i blow the red light and we go flying the wrong way down this one way street and we're like flying around in this escalade forever until we are sure these girls are not following us and then we drive back to the place and in a cocaine adrenaline frenzy we open our mouths and this crazy explanation for why this car no longer has a windsheild comes spilling out of our mouths. we're like dude, jenny's brother, you totally have to go in there and explain this we are so fucked up, and we went to white hen and got this giant bottle of riptide rush and sat on the curb by white hen and drank this riptide rush and smoked cigarettes until our exhalations got longer and less forced and jenny's brother came out and told us everything was all good or whatever.

probably the only thing better than being a repo man would be being a bounty hunter.
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