Wednesday, March 16, 2005

i'm not made for a family

i am so fucking glad i'm not a little kid anymore.

i can pretty much sum it up right now why i hated it so much. i don't like being told what to do.

my mom used to make this thing with barbequed chicken and rice that i hated so much i probably would have rather eaten raw sewage and every time she made it i practically had an anxiety attack waiting for the day i would never have to eat it again. it was pretty much the worst feeling ever.

then when i was like twelve i decided i was going to start doing whatever i wanted right then. fuck it, i said. as you can imagine that caused some problems. especially because what i wanted was to fail all my classes and tell my mom it didn't matter because i was going to support myself through prostitution anyway.

not only do i not like to do what i'm told but i also like to do the exact opposite. like one time i took a creative fiction class and i wrote all my stories in second person because the professor told me not to. they were fucking good too. my main goal in life is to be awesomely defiant. so as you can imagine i'm very annoying.

this is why i'm never going to get married. like i spent the first 17 years of my life trying to get the hell away from my old family, why am i going to create a new one?

it's like i could marry someone that liked to be bossed around by me but that person would probably make me sick, or else i could marry someone that was just as dominant as me and we would scream and throw dishes at each other all day long. woah, i'm such a sick person that sounds kind of good. and then we would have intense sex after. hm. i guess the worst case scenario would be me marrying someone even more dominant then myself. i would so infuriate that person that i would end up murdered. i'm serious, no doubt i could probably incite a murderous rage in the right person.

when i was little and i didn't have control over my own life it made me feel worse then i've ever felt in my life. it was fucking intense and it made me want to die. the closer you get to someone the more they can make you feel like that, and i do not find it beautiful at all.

plus if i had a kid it would probably be exactly like me and it would probably grow up and push me off a bridge because we would hate each other so much.

that's what i should have told that retard at the bar that wanted to know why i don't want to get married. here's what i said in reality:

i'm selfish.


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