Monday, March 21, 2005

the hair of the dog that bit you

i didn't throw up at the drake hotel last night but i wish i would have because the bathroom was super luxurious and accomodating. like all the toilets were in their own little rooms that had sinks and everything. what a great place to throw up.

then my dad gave me a bottle of effen vodka. thanks dad, just what i needed. the hair of the dog.

i'm going to be the first alcoholic in my family. it's going to be awesome. just like ernest hemmingway, i will be drinking tomato juice and beer for breakfast. yes. and just like ernest hemingway i will be a fucking genius and a grand success at life until one day i will blow my own head off. is that even legal?

you know what's not legal? how fucking awesome i am when i'm driving down lake shore drive and instead of giving people the finger i give them the whole fucking hand. what started as a source of annoyance when i was wearing mittens and trying to flick off stupid slow drivers in the left lane has become the ultimate gesture of hatred. because sometimes one finger does not suffice. THE HAND. just show em the whole back of your hand. i kind of curve my index finger too when i'm doing it. those fuckers have no idea what is going on.

i also like to play a game where the idiot behind me is pissing me off so i slow down super slow and then when they try to pass me i won't let them. it's hilarious. when they're trying to pass me i smile and wave at them.

somebody is going to pull me out of my car and beat me to death with a tire iron one day.
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