Monday, January 31, 2005

best fight I ever saw Posted by Hello

everybody must get stoned

I still think that if you stick your hand in the fan you are destined to a lifetime of sensation seeking activities such as choking yourself until you pass out and shooting dope into your neck in front of your baby a la Ben Stiller in Permanent Midnight.

I even plugged all your guys responses into a statistical program because I'm a nerd like that. But the results came out non significant, because nobody who hasn't done drugs reads this.

Are there even people who haven't done drugs? If so I've never met them. I mean, I'm not saying I smoked crack in Cicero with a Columbian dude named Jake the Snake, I'm just saying that even Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston smoke weed.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

honesty magazine

You're getting fat.

It's okay, so am I.

Wait, that's a lie. It's only in my mind that I'm getting fat, because my brain is fucked up and lies to me.

But seriously, how the fuck are they going to show a picture of Caludia Schiffer with her spine sticking out so far that she looks like a fucking stegasauras what with the extreme knobbiness of all her starving vertebrae and say "Get a Hollywood Body"?

I think I'm going to make my own magazine and it's going to be called the honesty magazine. People will kill themselves after reading it. Here's how it will go:

Do you want to get a body like Claudia Schiffer you fucking dildo, do blow every day. Still hungry? Do some more. Do a bump in your cubicle right now. Try not to get fired. Hopefully when you're boss sees you chewing your face off he will think you are working super hard and give you a raise.


Friday, January 28, 2005

what would jesus do?

So the other day I noticed that I got all these hits from this fantastic blog and I'm like woah, since when does anti link to me? So I went over there and searched around and found out that if you click on this picture where he is laying on his bed looking stunned it will take you to me.

So this is not interesting. But what is interesting is that if you read the post you will find out that he was un cut until he was fourteen, and then his mom told him that girls might not want to touch his cock with it all looking like a beer battered jalapeno and then he had a hernia or something and now everything is kosher the end. That was the cliffs notes, the full story is much funnier.

Anyway, it reminded me of this guy I used to know that wasn't circumcised, but he was. Are you confused yet? Well, not as confused as he was, because the douche bag was circumcised and didn't know it. I guess he remembered his mom telling him that he hadn't been circumcised (if you need your mom to tell you that I guess you haven't noticed that your penis looks like it's coming out of one of those perverted bag full of water toys) but he really wanted to be like everyone else or something so he pushed his foreskin back every day until magically one day TA DAAA, suddenly his penis was circumcised.

Okay this is a person that barely believes in free will, but he believes that the power of positive thinking can magically disappear a foreskin??

Maybe what really happened was this kid's mom noticed that her retarded son was pushing back his foreskin all the time, and realized that she should probably just get the damn thing peeled off. Or else it got infected by him pushing it back all day long with his grubby little hands and fell off. And then I guess she hypnotized him so that he would never remember any of it.

penises are funny.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

mind altering drugs

When I was little I used to try to stick my hand in the fand. I bet a lot of kids tried to stick their hand in the fan. And you know what? I bet all those kids grew up and did drugs.

And if you are all sensation seeking and shit, the time between thinking that sticking your hand in the fan is fucking fun and exciting and the time you start snorting ecstacy and rubbing vicks vapo rub all over your face can be priitty boring.

Here's what me and my friends did during that time: Choked each other until we passed out.

So I don't know if that's normal or not. I thought probably every kid goes through a phase where they're like "woah, I can make myself go unconscious!" but I guess not, because I saw this stupid program on the news where they were like "oh my god, a dangerous new trend among children" and I was like, yeah okay, like every kid in the history of Earth hasn't done that. But then I said that out loud and everyone was like,

ps. I was never a candy raver and that thing about vicks vapor rub is not about me.

I'm doing some research here:

1. I stuck my hand in the fan when I was little
2. I did drugs at some point after that.

true, true. false, false. true, false. blah blah blah.

Can you please please answer these questions for me in the name of science?? If I don't get at least 10 responses I'm going to shoot myself in the face.


little kids are slutty

God I was a perverted little kid. I used pink nail polish to draw nipples on my barbies and set up pornographic photo shoots with them. I bet whoever developed that film was like What the Fuck??? Plus when I said I wanted to dry hump my neighbor, I think what I meant to say was that I wanted to rape him. Seriously, I wanted to tie him up in my treehouse and have him be my slave. I also used to pole dance on my swingset with my friend Mackenzie. I think she wanted to dry hump Cory too, but too bad for her that even though I was younger I was also smarter and better looking.

I thought I must have been a super freak five year old, but then I found out that other little girls were doing the exact same thing. Some of them were even making out with their cousins, which I never did, even though my cousin Ryan totally had a crush on me and is actually not even related. So!

How come girls can't just admit it. Like, according to the polls, only 50% of women even masturbate or something. Yeah right! Everybody masturbates! I've been doing it since I was five years old!! Maybe all those other 50% didn't find their mom's old copy of Our Bodies Ourselves and learn how to look at their vaginas in the mirror and not be ashamed of it.


Wednesday, January 26, 2005

ask xani bar

Miss Mastermind says: What up Xani Bar. Do you remember Scotty K... lived on my block... best friends with Diego?

Miss Mastermind says: Anyway on Friday I dreamed I fucked Cory and on Saturday I dreamed I fucked Scott. Isn't that fucking hilarious? Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Miss Mastermind says: I don't know why I thought you would want to know about that. Maybe because you fucked two brothers. Did they fuck the same? In my dream Scott was much better.

Xani Bar says: Well, no the brothers did not fuck at all the same. Even their penis sizes were different. The less attractive one was much better in bed. Yeh, those were the days.

Xani Bar says: I was reading this out loud to Fred and now...oops the past is out. Yup, my stupid fault.


god loves me more

Free cheetos! I put a dollar in the dumb machine and it gave me back four quarters. I thought machines were supposed to be good at math. Wait, it has a slot. Maybe it's a female vending machine.

Did you get free cheeots today? No! Because God loves me more, even though I don't believe in him. I guess Jews really are the chosen people!

Life is not fair deal with it.

Wait, did the dean of Harvard actually say that girls lack innate mathematical ability? That's awesome because I totally have innate mathematical ability practically emanating off of me. I must have been born really special. Thanks again God!


Monday, January 24, 2005

back to the future

mr. get it wet Posted by Hello

So we traveled back in time to attend the fifth annual mr. get it wet international battle featuring out of state finalists.

Yes I know how to travel in time. No I will not teach you how to do it.

Anyway, the battle was fucking awesome. We got to see fine ass men such as ASSassin and Luscious rub butter all over their bodies and shake their nut sacks all over the place. YEEAAH!

Anyway, after the battle Jessica somehow convinced Choc Swilla and Klymaxx to come back to our apartment. We were taking a picture with Choc Swilla when I had a brilliant idea and ran off to the kitchen to get some frosting. When I got back I heard Jessica saying something about having a bunch of records in her room, and the next thing I knew I was watching elimidate by myself! What the fuck!!

That's the last time I travel with you in time bitch!

mr. get it wet

When I was little I had a crush on Cory, my neighboor down the street. I used to dream about luring him into my treehouse and dry humping him. Yeah, I was a pretty perverted five year old. Or else maybe all little girls want to dry hump, and it's the best kept secret in the world.

He was a year older than me and I think he used to eat glue.

I still see him from time to time, but I don't want to dry hump him anymore. At least I didn't think I did untill I dreamed about him on Friday night. And Sunday night.

I think we were having a full fledged dream relationship. Because last night I dreamed that I cheated on him with his little brother Scott. Who I didn't fantasize about at all when I was five, because he was three at that time. Anyway, sex with Scott was fantastic, I'll probably be thinking about it all day!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

the salmonella diet

I think I just ate some salmon from last year. Actually I know I did. Not last year like 24 days ago last year, last year like April 2004. Like if the samlon was hot sex I could have been a fat unwed mother by now.

How did I not realize it was nine months old before I ate it? Either I am an idiot or I secretly want to spend the next three days throwing up.

So if I never post again it's because I died of salmonella.


Friday, January 21, 2005

Ross Perot Phenomenon

If the current leadership is bad enough, any prospective new leader looks like a god send.

You know when you're little and you're taught to be all patriotic because in our country anyone can grow up to be president? And then you get older, and you find out that if you don't have billions of dollars in disposable income you probably won't get to be president unless your name is George Bush or John Kerry?

Well, if I was as rich as Ross Perot, I would run for president in 2008. I would mostly concentrate on being attractive but not too attractive, and trying not to act too manly, because lets face it, when it comes to women in politics, that is our downfall.

My slogan would be something like "Can it get any worse?" And in the debates I would do stuff like burst out laughing at things my opponent said and be all "Are you fucking serious??"

Maybe I would actually be the best president in the world, because I am an expert in personnel selection, and I could just appoint myself the awesomest staff ever. Kind of like our idiot president we have now did, except instead of evil geniuses they will be geniuses with pure and kind hearts.

Also I will put Cheney and Rumsfeld into exile, can I do that?

Or maybe Obama will run in 08, and little kids won't have to grow out of dreaming about being president, and it will be nice to know that even if you're dad is from Kenya and your name sounds just like the name of someone who blew up a bunch of Americans you could still be the president of the United States of America.

Wait, who am I kidding?


Thursday, January 20, 2005

your mission, should you choose to accept it

Hm. This guy wants to marry me. Well, It's always been my dream to have a blog husband. I kind of thought maybe it would be Jason, but I'm not going to wait around forever, so maybe I should just take the plunge!

Anyway, we just might be perfect for each other. According to his header, he is always right, and if you don't agree with him, you can fuck off! Well it just so happens that I am also always right. Our combined rightness will be astounding, and people will constantly be fucking off!

However if anyone else is secretly pining away for me, I'm still accepting proposals.

Here's what you might want to know though:

1. I hate everyone. People that are dumber than me, people that are smarter than me, people
who still wear Uggs, etc. Except for people who are extremely good looking, because I am...
2. ...Shallow. I'm obsessed with the way things look, and I think my life would be perfect if I had
just the right shoes/wallpaper in my living room/nose job. You can call it asthetically oriented if
you want.
3. I'm explosive. Like, if my mouse won't point at what the hell I want it too, I will probably scream
and smash it into a million peices, and if my coworkers are like, "what the hell is wrong with
you" I might throw my drink at them.
4. That's right, I drink at work.
5. Just kidding, but I want to, which is probably bad enough.

That's the disclaimer. I probably should have saved a little mystery, but I really don't want to go through a messy blog divorce where you'll end up with all the good blog friends, so I thought I'd just lay it all out there.


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

it's easier to dig a hole than build a pole

If anybody was watching Law and Order last night and thought that the gender reassignment story line was completely fucked up, I just want to let you know that it was true.

You're like, yeah yeah, like I haven't already heard the story of John/Joan.

But if you haven't, it's worth reading about.

His real name is David Reimer and he committed suicide last year.

Somehow it's surprising that he lasted that long.


Tuesday, January 18, 2005


I live in a building that used to be a crack house.

Like, recently.

Maybe the developer should have tried a little harder to keep that information under wraps.

Although I don't give a shit, because I love the place!

I wonder if anyone ever participated in any depraved sex acts in exchange for a rock, like, in my bedroom.


Probably more than once!

Maybe even a hundred times!

Hm, good thing that doesn't bother me as much as it might bother some people.

Monday, January 17, 2005

i'm going to talk about vaginas now

"I like cotton!"

"I love Always!"

Imagine a girl singing that in a super cheery sing song-y voice.

Is it making your head want to explode, because if not, I'mprobably not explaining it right.

This chick really fucking likes cotton, but do you know what she loves? Tampons.

She thinks cotton products are super swell! Shirts, sheets, she likes them ah-lot, but she loves Always tampons.

How the fuck do you love a tampon?

I mean, I use Tampax, so maybe I just don't understand the glory that is Always. Do they vibrate? Maybe I'll have to check it out. Except I won't, because that encourages the Always marketing team to continue airing asinine television commercials. bah!


Sunday, January 16, 2005

wh-wh-wh-white people with dreadlocks

Good dreadlocks.

Bad dreadlocks.

Good dreadlocks.

Bad dreadlocks.

White People can have good dreadlocks too.

Vanilla Ice did not look cool with dreadlocks.

Vanilla Ice did not even look cool fucking Madonna.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

never trust a hippie

My brother made up a song for me, It's to the tune of that Pharoah Monch song, get the fuck up or whatever. You have to say the words really loud and in an angry voice.

dum dum dum dum...White People with dreadlocks! dum dum dum dum...It just doesn't look right!

Okay, you probably do not realize how cool that song was because it really doesn't look cool written out like that, but just imagine that it was really cool.

Anyway, white people with dreadlocks look like fucking idiots, unless maybe they are Jewish and have really thick hair or something. I went to a Phish show one time, and I think everybody there hated me because I obviously brush my hair. Oh yeah, I also brought a boombox and was playing De La Soul on it, and also Roni Size. That might also be why they hated me. I don't know though, didn't De La Soul's first album have some peace signs on it and shit? So you'd think those kids would have loved it.

Anyway, here's what I noticed at the show: Everybody thought they were so god damned original because they all made their own shirts or whatever, but obviously none of them are master seamstresses because they've all made the same fucking shirt, it's like a rectangle of fabric with some straps on it. Congratulations fuck heads, you are all wearing the exact same shirt.

You can think you're better than the preppy kids that shop at abercrombie but if you're wearing the same shirt as all 10,000 kids at the show, you're really no different. Even if you made it yourself and even if you don't shave your armpits.

Plus I think if you are a hippie you aren't supposed to have an SUV, and you probably aren't supposed to have a $300 cell phone either. And you know what you're probably especially not supposed to have, you're probably not supposed to have a taser.

Yes, I was lucky enough to put up some dirty hippies at my apartment for 3 months. Let me tell you that you should never let a hippie spend the night at your apartment, because he will never leave. Plus he will bring friends and turn your apartment into some sort of sweaty youth hostel. I was intrigued to see that these hippies carried around a taser. Hm. And you know what, not only are they not raging pacifists, I bet they didn't even vote in November. Plus they owe me money. Sluggo, if you are reading this, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU!!!

So anyway, the moral of this story is that hippies are extint, and if your name is Turtle and you have beads in your hair you are probably not cool and I hope you wake up one day and realize that you are following Phish around the country selling grilled cheese sandwhiches and that your life sucks.


Friday, January 14, 2005

bookshelf meme

I stole this from Tony Pierce.

Copy the list from the last person in the chain, delete the names of the authors you don't have on your home library shelves and replace them with names of authors you do have. Bold the replacements.

1. Salman Rushdie
2. Jay McInerny
3. Kurt Vonnegut
4. Gore Vidal
5. Tom Robbins
6. Arthur Miller
7. David Sedaris
8. Zora Neale Hurston
9. Ayn Rand
10. Goerge Orwell

Thursday, January 13, 2005

what the fuck?

What is this war we are in?

It's a magical war against evil!

It's a war against statues!

They have invisible weapons!

What The Fuck!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

girls steal

The first thing I ever stole was some pop rocks. I had an accomplice: Louisa. She had blonde hair and a boys bike, and I used to ride on the handelbars. It was her idea.

Danielle was 13 and also blonde. She had short hair and a step father, and when I'd be like "is your dad going to be home?" she would scream at me "HE'S NOT MY DAD!!!" I didn't know why she would steal an alarm clock, when she already had an alarm clock, and a 13 year old doesn't even really need an alarm clock anyway.

But when I was in high school, I stole like crazy. I loved it. I had accomplices but this time I was in charge. The mastermind. I even liked getting caught. I thought it was hilarious. The security guards were all red faced and "this isn't funny!" but it was funny, and then we charmed the arresting officers and didn't even get in trouble.

Then like a week later I wore a white dress and smoked a cigar and shook hands with my dean and graduated from high school and I never stole again, the end.

So sometimes my mom still brings it up and I'm like "Shut up mom, ALL GIRLS STEAL." My mom says she never stole, but that's just a lie, and if it's not I feel sorry for her because she really missed out.


Tuesday, January 11, 2005

my gaydar is better than your's

I just found out that I have a better gaydar than like 95% of y'all. HA! Try to beat me here. But don't take the test more than three times or it will yell at you. (What? I was interested in it's psychometric properties!)

I have the best roommate. If you want to read something hilarious, go here. If her latest post doesn't mention Kinko's, leave a comment, something like "hey, crank yankers, tell us about your most recent hijinks."

And since I'm not a tease, here's something to tide you over while you're waiting to hear about the Kinko's extravaganza.

Fuuuuck, I have to go to a meeting now to learn about Oracle, which sounds intriguing, but I think it's just a new type of time sheet.

Monday, January 10, 2005

can i turn into my dad instead?

I think my mom is losing it. She's started telling stories completely wrong, or telling other people's stories like she was there.

And she's passive aggressive, or maybe she's just agressive. She always has some stupid comment. And she thinks she's like the kindliest lady in the whole world, which is fucking hilarious.

She keeps on telling my dad that he is an alcoholic, because he likes to come home and have a glass of whiskey or whatever. It's like me and my mom and dad will be at a restaurant and my mom is like "your father is an alcoholic, he sits in the dark drinking cocktails and programming his ipod until 3:00 in the morning it's so disturbing." And then I have to be like "mom, it's kind of inappropriate for you to be talking about that right now." And then I have to divide up the appetizers because nobody else can figure out how to do it.

And then my mom says something about how the tsunami caused the earth to fucking reverse on it's axis or something. Hm, I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

And then I noticed that my mom constantly talks shit about my uncle because he's crazy and he thinks he's going to die all the time and he's lethargic and un productive. And recently I've been chiming in and acting like little miss bitch junior like I forgot that he used to be my favorite person in the world and it's not his fault that he's been in the midst of a major deppressive episode for the past 15 years.

God, I hope I don't turn my daughter into a huge bitch if I ever have one.

I think my brother and I are going to have to take total control of the family.


Sunday, January 09, 2005

look what i made you

i thought you wrote the bible. when i was little, and you told me the story of the tower of babbel.

and moby dick.

and erin gaijin.

you told me santa was a snake that sssslithered down the chimney.

when i used to play in the darkroom, and make oil paintings.

and read art history books and design buildings. i wanted to be an architect who painted murals. why are houses so boring, why aren't there any pretty pictures on them?

and go to the art institute and sit in front of chagall's america windows and draw, and go to the field museum and look at fossils and armor and jade.

when did i lose it?

i don't want to make fun of you when you bring a pumpkin pie to thanksgiving with a slice missing because you woke up in the morning and thought you were going to die.

i want you to live forever.

i want to take you to china and learn about ancient history. i don't want to tell you i don't care about the past.

i don't want to be jaded.

i'll never do what you've done, i'll never be what you are. i can determine the area between two curves, so what?

when did you get old? when did you get sick? i'm sorry i grew up, i didn't want to.

tell me a story uncle scott.


Friday, January 07, 2005

skinny bitch

Tony Pierce wants us to eat pastrami double cheeseburgers from Carl Jrs and revel in our fatness because we're all going to have heart attacks anyway.

Uh, no.

Fat people don't look cool. You know what looks cool? Smoking. When I smoked cigarettes, people used to come up to me all the time and be like "God damn girl, you are cooooo-uhl." Okay, no they didn't, but they probably wanted to and were just intimidated or something. One time the Indian guys at the convenience store gave me a pack of bidis for free, which are even cooler than regular cigarettes because they are brown and smell like cigars and incense. I smoked them like regular cigarettes too, and the next day I sounded like Kathleen Turner. crazysexycool. Yeah, girls look sexy smoking. Girls do not look sexy eating a deep fried candy bar.

If I still smoked I would probably be smarter and sexier and more people would read this blog.


Thursday, January 06, 2005

Barack 666

I'm not sure what you were looking for, person who googled "Barack 666" And ended up here.

everybody wants to move to california


Winter is beautiful.

When you're walking to work you can walk faster and pull your coat around you tightly, or

you can feel the snowflakes melting on your face and become childishly gleeful .

You can wear a winter hat, and look adorable in it while you brush the snow off your coat with your rosy winter cheeks.

It's when I'm cold that I realize I'm alive.


Wednesday, January 05, 2005

which of the following

I just got a project doing item creation. This is awesome in so many ways.

It pays $20/hr. Isn't it so tacky that I just said that? I don't care.

But the most awesomest is that this project is part of my master plan to develop the best and most widely used test ever.

I can put my name in the title of it so that I can be famous and live forever.

I can study uroplatus phantasticus in madagascar or play tavla in Dogankent while receiving a check every time someone takes my test, which will be like every day because it will be the best test ever. It will blow the IQ test out of the water. It will be more psychometrically sound than the SAT.

All I have to do is figure it out. What is the one thing in the world that people most want to measure?

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


point. click. point. click. sigh.
a monkey could do this job.
it makes me tired.

I see you walking
Past my cubicle all day.
Slacker. I won't tell.

Editing syntax.
I won't find my own errors
I wrote the damn thing.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

I hate poor people

I rung in the new year trying to explain to someone I don't like or respect that I don't really hate poor people.

Yeah, I said it, I guess I just think it's interesting to say.

No one else ever says it.

I love to say stupid shit.

I'm still fucking pissed that I was so drunk I couldn't even form coherent sentences and now this person thinks I'm an arrogant captialist. Even if maybe I really am.

I think from now on when I'm having a conversation with someone I don't care about and I decide that it's getting stupid I'm just going to point an imaginary remote control at them and start clicking it like "booo-ring, change the channel." and maybe I will say that out loud in a really annoying sing song voice. Or maybe I can just stare at them intently for a minute and say "I'm smarter than you" and walk away.

Everyone who didn't hate me would love me because they will be in the 7% of people I can stand, and they would be like "shit, I must be super smart and interesting."

It would be even better if I had a lot of money because then even the people that couldn't stand me would still want to hang around me because I would buy everyone drinks and I would have all the good drugs.

I knew a guy like that, everyone would sit around his apartment doing blow all night, and then at 6:00 in the morning when people started to leave he would be like "You fucking come here and do all my drugs AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE???" And then they would have to stay.

He hated me because I never did any of his drugs. He would be like "do a rail" "do a rail" oh god, he was so fucking whiny and annoying. And then one time when I wouldn't he made a big letter e and I guess I was supposed to feel so honored and special, except I didn't, and he was furious.

Also when he became furious he would take his blow and sit in the closet blowing cocaine up his nose all by himself. In his closet.

So basically I will have all the power that this guy wanted to have except I won't be all tragic.

If I make this my new years resolution will it come true?

Saturday, January 01, 2005

fame! I'm gonna live forever...

I thought that fantastic lyric was metaphorical or something, but I guess it's not. It turns out that while the tsunami majorly inconvenienced some celebrities, none of them were actually killed by it.

But wow, who knew there were so many white people in Thailand!

I mean, it sucked to see footage of hundreds of brown corpses being bulldozed into a ditch, but now that I find out there were victims who looked like me, I'm just speechless.

And some of these people were better looking than me. So I guess a white person's beauty actually does not conquer all. And here I was thinking that if I were just a little bit better looking it would prevent anything bad from ever happening to me.

There goes that dream.
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