Monday, November 29, 2004


Check out this guys website. Right now.

I hope you didn't forget to look at the fashion section, because it is a fucking riot. Although this guy thinks he is Peter Pan, he also finds occaisons to dress as little boy blue, a bunny rabbit, a ballerina, and a rennisance man.

Here's what I first thought while I was looking at this website: Johnny Depp in the movie Finding Neverland is sexy. This is not sexy.

Anyway, something weird happened to me while I was looking at this website. I almost started crying. I know what you're thinking, but no, it wasn't laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes crying, it was actual crying that almost occured. Thank god I was able to contain it. If one of my coworkers found me crying in my cubicle while looking at that guy's website I'm sure they would have thought I was drinking on the job.

I am not a compassionate person. At all. Seriously. I think poor people are funny. So why do I feel so bad for this guy, I have no idea. Maybe I'm going soft in my old age.


Saturday, November 27, 2004

live life?????

Oh god, I just saw the Worst Commercial Ever. It has a bunch of short scenes. Like, first there is a little girl spinning around, next there is a woman dancing in a field, etc. I'm thinking, what the hell is this commercial for? I bet it's one of those cotton commercials. Oops, it's not for cotton, its for life. Yes, at the end of this commercial, it says "Live Life."

If you need a commercial to tell you that you should be living life, you should kill yourself.

If you are actually inspired by this particular commercial, you too should kill yourself.

Who made this commercial and why?

I also saw another syphilis public service announcement. This one was on the train. The guy on it looks just like Kobe Bryant. So much so that Kobe could probably sue for defamation of character or something.

So do white people get syphilis at all? Because all the people in these public service announcements are black. Why is it that commercials for orange juice and living life are featuring white people, but commercials for syphilis are featuring African Americans. Oh yeah, you can also see a lot of black people on commercials that tell you not to do drugs. Like the one where the 16 year old kid is so high he blows off his little brothers birthday party, and you can tell by the look on the little brother's face that he will never quite get over it. If I were black I might be kind of pissed of about this.

The new anti-drug commercials are hilarilous. I grew up watching commercials that told me that drugs will fry my brain like an egg, and that did not deter me from trying them. Yet they expect kids to be swayed by ugly people saying things like "Anime is my anti-drug."

In the '80s, billboards featuring drug paraphenalia caused hundreds of former addicts to relapse. I am not making this up. So you can see how much research must go into these campaigns.


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

rich girls

I want to be rich.

I want a Jaguar XJ8 and a Marc Jacobs bag and I want to go shopping every day. My dogs would only drink Fiji water from a beautiful handblown dish.

Unfortunately I'm neither an heiress or a celebrity. But I have a plan.

My child will be rich and famous. This is really the only way to go. It requires almost no work on my part, and I will be set for life.

I heard Britney Spears just bought a smoothie 'n chilli shop for her pops. What the fuck? Because my rich child will not be a slack jawed yokel, I will be the recipient of no such things. The whole point of me whoring out my child to hollywood is so that I don't have to work at a smoothie shop. Didn't Jennifer Lopez buy her mom a Bentley? That's what I'm talking about. And then later that bitch won the lotto. No fair!

My role model through all of this is going to be Jessica Simpson's dad/manager Joe Simpson. Not only is he making bank off Jessica, but he has also managed to somehow profit off his uglier, less talented daughter. And unlike Jessica's parents, I am not religious, so I won't feel at all conflicted when my daughter launches an edible lotion line.

The only problem is that I don't have a child yet. If I want to realize my dream within the decade, I have 2 options.

1. Adopt a child. This is a good idea for a few reasons. The most obvious reason is that I don't have to actually give birth. Any way that I can become a mom that doesn't involve my vagina requiring stitches sounds good to me. And if the kid was in a bad enough situation before I adpoted her, I won't even have to treat her that nicely. As long as I don't beat her with hangers and shit, it should be all good. This is also a good idea because I can pick the best looking child. I mean, what if I had a biological child and it looked like my ugly cousin? This kid has to have a face for fame!!!

2. If I do decide to wait a few years and have a biological child, my only choice would be to whore the child out at the age of two like the Olsen Twins' parents did. Those parents must be fucking ruthless! Did you know that those girls have some brothers and sisters? I bet those other kids are running on treadmills to generate electricity as we speak! Seriously!

Monday, November 22, 2004

worst episode ever

I should have gone into marketing. When I was little, my brother and I used to make up or own commercials and act them out, and I think almost 75% of them surpassed the quality of actual commercials I see on tv.

I was going to write about the worst commercial ever, but I really don't think I can narrow it down to just one.

My roomate hates the new Old Navy commercials. But are they really any worse than the ones that came out last christmas? The ones with Lil Kim? Where Morgan Fairchild says "These Old Navy turtlenecks are off the hook!" Did she actually follow that up with a "Fo Shizzle," or did I just make that up?

Herbal Essences. Like Old Navy, Herbal Essences has demonstrated consistency with the crappiness of their commercials. I really hate the one that is out now. Some girl is singing a song, "rock your senses." My dogs run out of the room whenever it comes on. I think it makes their eardrums bleed. But at least her hair looks good, unlike the people at the "streaking party."

It's really sad when you see the Eagle Man commercial, which obviously cost less than $100 to make, and it's better than the commercials for Subway. Jared Fogal does not make me want to eat a sandwich.

I don't hate all commercials though. Some of them are actually pretty good. Like Lava Line commercials. Call in and you will be a part of a big ass party! Seriously, it's probably the coolest party ever. First, there are a bunch of good looking people at this party. There is also a pool, a hot tub, and one of the guests has a monkey on his shoulder! Why do I not get invited to parties like this??

I think it would be pretty simple to make a good commercial. Your commercial should tell a story: Here are some cool people. You could be like these people if you buy this product! People don't buy a product so they can be like Jared Fogal or Carrot top!

I know I am forgetting some real allstars. Please help me in my quest for the worst commercial of all time.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

what's wrong with me?

Road Rage. I have it. I got to drive on the expressway this weekend. Always a thrill. Even though I left my house at 1:00 I still hit rush hour traffic. It's like rush hour is following me around, like a little gray cloud that only rains on me.

First I was tailgated by a shitty white van. My friends and I used to call vans like that "Homey vans" because they look like Homey the Clown is about to pop out of them. The bitch tailgates me and then practically tries to run me off the road. So of course I'm not going to let him in front of me after that, every time he tries to pass me I start driving super fast. God I'm so annoying. I also smile and wave every time he looks over at me. HA! Little does he know I have my Danny the Wildchild cd in the car and am listening to my road rage anthem. He has no chance. Super sharp shooter shooter, bitch!

Next a fucking TOUR BUS tries to merge into my lane, right on top of me. I'm sure the douchebag thought that since his tour bus was a monster truck compared to my Nissan Sentra I would let him in. Little did he know I was willing to die a fiery death before I was going to let a fucking tour bus cut me off. I don't even like driving behind large vehicles when they are legitimately in front of me.

By this point I am having a Grand Theft Auto dream sequence. I'm pulling a giant gun out of my glove compartment and blowing out peoples tires, pointing it at people as I roar with laughter.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm fixated on weird first names

So we all remeber that study where they found that HR people were screening job applicants by the ethnicity of their names. "Are Emily and Greg more employable than Lakisha and Jamal?" I think it was called. Basically if your name sounds black you're not getting an interview.

So what if your name just sounds assinine? While I have no reason to assume that Emily will do a better job than Lakisha, I am pretty sure either one of them will out perform Moon Unit or Senorita or Precious Moments.

So are Enrique and Tyrell more employable than Courvosier and Dweezil?

Hm. My thesis maybe?

Friday, November 19, 2004

C'mon in!

So if you're not one of these pious bitches who are flying up to heaven, or if you are a jew or something, I just wanted to let you know that after the rapture a great whore will ride into town on a 7 headed beast. So that might be fun too.


Thursday, November 18, 2004

hail mary

People are seeing the virgin mary in a grilled cheese sandwich? Cool! I can totally relate to that. There's a pattern in my parents kitchen table that kind of looks like a bust of Shakespeare. When me and my brother were little we were amazed by it. BECAUSE WE WERE SIX YEARS OLD!!!

What the fuck is wrong with people. I'll be impressed when I see someones hands bust into stigmata or a fucking statue of an elelphant start drinking milk or some shit. Or when the rapture occurs and I see a bunch of mother fuckers fly right out of their clothes and up to heaven. I'm not fucking impressed by this burnt ass grilled cheese.

When I look deep into this grilled cheese, I see Kyra Sedgwick.


I just attended a meeting which involved my department (research & development, aka assessment measurement solutions, aka assessment sciences) explaining our products to the sales department. Excuse me? Does this mean that until today the sellers did not understand what they were selling? Wow. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that they will understand it after today either. Because they are morons. And half of them were passing notes during the presentations, which doesn't surprise me because the entire sales department seems to have the mentality of a fifth grader.

Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with sales? Every month this chart goes up that says "Stellar Sellers!" And it has the sales reps who made the most in sales that month. It reminds me of the one my mom made for my little brother where he got a gold star every time he took a shit in the toilet. Yay!!

If I ever run a company, I'm not even going to pay the sales people. I'll just put some stickers on their cubicle at the end of each week, and if they do a really good job I'll make a big sign with their picture on it that says "Super Job Meredith!! You are a fucking sales rockstar!!!"

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

gee that test was terrific!

Today I was driving to work and I saw the funniest advertisement, or I guess it was a public service announcement, on a bus. It had a drawing of this black guy with this black woman standing in the distance. The man looked pretty hip. I think he had braids, and was wearing a yellow turtleneck. He might have been talking on a cell phone. Here's what he's saying: "Man, I'm so glad I got that syphillis test!"

I'm not really sure if I get it. Why is he so glad? Because he found out he has syphillis and now he can treat it? Or maybe he slept with that woman in the distance, and his friends told him she was a dirty ho. He's so glad he found out he's clean! Whew!

I heard the test for syphillis involves a swab up the penis hole.

This thing is supposed to make me want to get tested for syphillis?


Monday, November 15, 2004


I went out to eat with my family last night for my mom's birthday. She's 58 and pissed off. I asked her where she wanted to go and she went off. If somebody wants to take her out it's the least they could do to just plan it their damn self without her help. Ohhh kay. I decided we should take her to Arun's, which serves Thai food (which she loves) and was rated one of the top 10 restaurants in Chicago by Chicago magazine. Too bad while I was planning this she went ahead and made reservations at Geja's, which is a fondue place.

So last night we had dinner at Geja's. I had three martinis and a really good time, so I will probably remember Geja's fondly. This is unfortunate, because when I think about it objectively, I hate that place.

The atmosphere is pretty nice. It's dark and candlelit, and the booths are enclosed for privacy. We had cheese fondue to start. We dipped apples, grapes, and bread into a delicious cheese fondue. Also, their martinis were exquisite.

Then the main course comes. All our food came on one platter which was set in the middle of the table. I had the deluxe seafood platter. It consisted of a lobster tail, two shrimp, and 3 scallops. All the food was raw. You put it on your skewer, submerge it into a pot of boiling water, dip it into one of eight dipping sauces, and eat it.

Okay, I'm sure it's a novelty or whatever, but I don't go out to eat so I can cook my own food. Also, the dipping sauces sucked. Here's what we had: cocktail sauce, melted butter, barbecue sauce, soy sauce, worchestershire sauce, white sauce with dill in it, horseradish sauce, and something else we couldn't identify. It's like someone went through my refrigerator, found all the sauces I never use, and served them to me. You know what's not worth $40? Lobster tail boiled in water and dipped in butter. Next time I pay $40 for some lobster, it better be covered in champagne beurre blanc and have some fucking asparagus sitting next to it. And I better not have to prepare it my damn self.

I won't even go into the fact that Luke's vegetables were covered in meat-juice, or that I had tears streaming down my face the whole time due to fumes from the flames.

My birthday comes next, and somehow I don't think we'll be celebrating at Geja's. Does anybody have any suggestions?


colon blow

In headline news today, Colin Powell says "Fuck this, I'm out of here." Hopefully when choosing his replacement, Bush will use more sense than he did when he nominated Alberto "the Geneva convention is quaint" Gonzales for attorney general a few days ago.

Colin Powell. I might be mistaken, but isn't the name Colin generally not pronounced the same way as the colon that is key to the, um, waste elimination process? Colin Powell should be an inspiration to all those Senoritas and Parises out there, that just because your name is totally assinine doesn't mean you have to be.


Saturday, November 13, 2004

get out your magnifying glass and read this


Isn't David Rees hilarious?? So hilarious!! Everyone should buy his new book.

Something else that's hilarious is that that someone would name their daughter Senorita. That's the name of the special ed teacher who paid those students for sex. And somehow that explains a lot.

I mean really. What kind of people name their child Senorita. Probably the same kind that would name their child Precious Moments. Their son. Precious Moments. Like the figurines. Unfortunately, I am not making this up.

Is there anything you could name your child that would be worse than Precious Moments? Like maybe Yeast Infection or Fuck Face??

Thursday, November 11, 2004

ladies, don't forget to moisturize


women are the new men

Today on the eL two women were talking very loudly about a teacher who was busted for "having sex with" (aka raping) a nine year old boy. A female teacher. These women were TOTALLY DISGUSTED, as was I. I hadn't heard about that case. But I did hear about the case where a special ed teacher from the south side (way to represent!) paid three 15 year olds to have sex with her. And by "paid" I mean bought them alcohol. And you thought the situation couldn't have gotten any classier. And then there's that woman who just got out of jail and is marrying the 21 year old who impregnated her when he was 12. Yeah!

So it looks like men no longer have a monopoly on being sick fucks. Yes, after many years of discriminatory selection practices, the child molestors union has finally begun to operate in accordance with the EEOC. And it must be some affirmative action program they have in place, because women seem to be entering their ranks at a remarkable rate! I just googled "teacher has sex with student" and the first page of hits all regarded female teachers.

Then again, maybe that's because when a male teacher has sex with a female student, we usually call that rape. Or statutory rape, if the girl is vocal about being a willing participant.

Does anybody remember when that young teacher was arrested for statutorily raping a 14 year old student in the back of an SUV while the student's cousin was driving? That teacher was hot! You know that kid was the coolest kid in class!


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

a very special episode

Remember the very special episode of The Facts of Life when Tootie ran away to New York and almost got pimped out? Neither do I, but The Corsair does, and his post today made me get a little misty eyed about the Very Special Episode.

Of course the founding father of very special episodes was the diff'rent strokes episode where Arnold almost got molested by the bicycle man. Yikes!

I don't know if it counted as a Very Special Episode, but I recently saw a re-run of diff'rent strokes where Kimberly found out the guy she was dating was a bigot. The episode ended with Kimberly wearing black face and an afro wig. I think he really learned his lesson. Too bad we can't say the same for Dana Plato.

Matthew Perry taught us not to drink and drive when he crashed his car and died on Growing Pains. Unfortunately, he failed to heed his own advice.

Even Punky Brewster was in on the action. She joined a gang (The Chicklets!) and almost smoked the wacky tobbaccy! Thank god she came to her senses and formed a counter gang inspired by Nancy Regan: The say-no-to-drugs gang! Yay Punky!!

Who doesn't remember "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm scared!" Jessie Spano addicted to speed! Not nearly as disturbing as Jessie Spano getting fucked in a pool in Showgirls though. If only Zach Morris could see her now!

Walker Texas Ranger. Almost every episode of this show is super special and hilarious. Especially when Walker has flashbacks to his childhood when he used to be Native American. But if I had to pick just one episode, it would have to be that one where Walker ends up adopting that kid from the sixth sense. Luckily the kid died of AIDS after like 2 episodes because he was really cramping Walker's style. You can just imagine how touching and special that episode was.

For some reason I can't remember any special full house episodes. I'm sure there must have been some. Although what could be more special than three lonely men raising Kirk Cameron's sister, the Olsen twins, and that other girl? Awww. I'm sure there must have been at least one very special episode. Probably it involved DJ bingeing and purging. That girl was kind of fat!

I'll leave you with a link to a website dedictaed to Kimmy Gibbler.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Antonin Scalia

So after the election you're either ecstatic or horrified or suicidal or apathetic. Whatever. Most of the people I know are upset, but getting over it. Luckily for us, the republicans are helping us get over it by constantly reminding us that we are in the minority, and that because they are they comprise greater numbers, we are obviously not as right as we think we are.

They are so wrong on so many levels. I am not distressed that I'm in the minority. Like my mom says, I'm special. I'm a proud member of many minority groups. Like the minority that pursue graduate degrees. Or the minority that have IQs over 101. The minority that can name a Supreme Court Justice. If you are over in your 20s and you can't at least name Clarence Thomas, you are out of it.

Do you remember that movie Kangaroo Jack? The one that was the number one movie in America? And you're proud to call yourself similar to the majority of Americans? Yikes!
I understand that we live in a democracy, and majority rules (well, kind of and sometimes). But that doesn't mean they're always right!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Jesus would not concede to Barack Obama

I'm getting a little depressed that for the next four years our country will be run by a man with a tenuous grasp of our language who can't control his facial expressions. So for a little comic relief, let's talk about Alan Keyes.

So did He ever make his concessionary phone call to Barack Obama? Because if he did, I missed that part.

That is so super classy, refusing to congratulate your opponent. This really confirms what Keyes has been telling us all along: that he's god-like.

Now Keyes wants to stay in our state? That's awesome, because he's pretty much insuring that Illinois will go democratic in any election he's running in. I will wait for Betty Loren Maltese to get out of prison and nominate her for office before I will vote for Alan Keyes.

The republican party really shot itself in the foot when they pressured Jack Ryan to resign as the republican candidate. So he liked to frequent swingers clubs, at least he wasn't THE DEVIL INCARNATE.

That's all I have to say about it.

same different day

Four more years. The really remarkable thing is that Bush has even made it this far. I heard presidents elected in years ending in zero are supposed to get assassinated or something. I guess that pattern was broken in 1981 when John Hinkley Jr. Failed failed at his attempt to impress Jodie Foster by assassinating Ronald Reagan. Way to go John, you broke the chain and look what happened.

So Bush won the popular vote. How depressing. At least I can thank god that I live in a state where 88% of voters preferred Obama to Keyes. Although, I would like to know what the hell is wrong with that other 12%. Were they confused? Sympathy voters? What?

Here's something else I'm confused about. 42% of latino voters and 24% of jewish voters voted for Bush. Is there a reason why nearly twice as many latinos as jews voted for Bush? Maybe they were confused.

I saw black people on TV today who were given a hard time at the polls. Some of them waited in line for 6 hours to cast their votes. It's disturbing if the powers that be were attempting to supress the black vote. However it's amazing and wonderful that people will stand outside in the cold to cast their vote. It's especially incredible after the last election when we found out that our votes might not count for much.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

boys are the new girls

I've been thinking about this for a while, and it's now been confirmed through some t-tests I've run at work: Girls are the new boys.

According to the data set I'm working with, girls find learning easier and more fun than do boys, and more girls than boys think that they can graduate high school and make their dreams come true. More girls than boys think about what they want to be when they grow up. But here's the real shocker: More boys than girls think that a lot can be accomplished working in a group.

Poor boys! What the fuck is happening to them? They're turning into girls! The next thing you know they will totally suck at math and science. I'm not even kidding.

Most of my friends are smarter/ more ambitious/ more competitive/ more dominant/ more logical/ more successful than their boyfriends. At first I thought this was because most of my friends were so awesome. But maybe it's not just my friends. Maybe it's also the 11 year olds in this study and the growing population of women who out earn their husbands.

What is going on?
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