Sunday, December 05, 2004

public service announcement

Dan and Lisa

This is your brain on drugs.

You know that Sopranos episode where Christopher is all doped up and he passes out on top of Adriana's dog and kills it?

If you're boyfriend is not nodding off on your lap dog, he will be suffacating your hedgehog to death. The hedgehog will be foaming at the mouth, and he will blame it on you. She must have gotten into your valium, he'll say.

The hedgehog will die. You'll scream at each other.

Deep down he will know it was his fault. He will be wracked with guilt. He will refuse to dispose of her in the dumpster.

You can understand that. When you were little you buried goldfish and anoles in your back yard.

But you never cremated a hedgehog.

Kids, this is what drugs will do to your life.

You will end up sitting in the parking lot, cremating your hedgehog on a $20 grill from Walmart.

It will take about 5 hours. You might fall asleep against the tire of someones car for a little while.

Your crack whore boyfriend will wake you up and tell you that you are not being respectful of the spirit of your hedgehog that he killed.

It will smell terrible.

By the time she is reduced to ashes, it will be morning. As you walk to the river to dump the ashes, all the fresh faced students will be on their way to class. With their backpacks and laptops. And you'll look strung out, carrying a thermos of cremated hedgehog.

When your boyfriend leans over to dump the ashes into the river he will trip, spilling the remains all over his shirt, and while later it will be fucking hilarious, at that moment it will be tragic. And you will swear that you will never tell anyone about this.

Except later you will tell your best friend and she will write about it on her blog.
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