Wednesday, November 24, 2004

rich girls

I want to be rich.

I want a Jaguar XJ8 and a Marc Jacobs bag and I want to go shopping every day. My dogs would only drink Fiji water from a beautiful handblown dish.

Unfortunately I'm neither an heiress or a celebrity. But I have a plan.

My child will be rich and famous. This is really the only way to go. It requires almost no work on my part, and I will be set for life.

I heard Britney Spears just bought a smoothie 'n chilli shop for her pops. What the fuck? Because my rich child will not be a slack jawed yokel, I will be the recipient of no such things. The whole point of me whoring out my child to hollywood is so that I don't have to work at a smoothie shop. Didn't Jennifer Lopez buy her mom a Bentley? That's what I'm talking about. And then later that bitch won the lotto. No fair!

My role model through all of this is going to be Jessica Simpson's dad/manager Joe Simpson. Not only is he making bank off Jessica, but he has also managed to somehow profit off his uglier, less talented daughter. And unlike Jessica's parents, I am not religious, so I won't feel at all conflicted when my daughter launches an edible lotion line.

The only problem is that I don't have a child yet. If I want to realize my dream within the decade, I have 2 options.

1. Adopt a child. This is a good idea for a few reasons. The most obvious reason is that I don't have to actually give birth. Any way that I can become a mom that doesn't involve my vagina requiring stitches sounds good to me. And if the kid was in a bad enough situation before I adpoted her, I won't even have to treat her that nicely. As long as I don't beat her with hangers and shit, it should be all good. This is also a good idea because I can pick the best looking child. I mean, what if I had a biological child and it looked like my ugly cousin? This kid has to have a face for fame!!!

2. If I do decide to wait a few years and have a biological child, my only choice would be to whore the child out at the age of two like the Olsen Twins' parents did. Those parents must be fucking ruthless! Did you know that those girls have some brothers and sisters? I bet those other kids are running on treadmills to generate electricity as we speak! Seriously!
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