Friday, October 29, 2004

Tell me Elizabeth, how exactly do you suck a fuck!

Donnie Darko is the best movie I've ever seen. I think one reason I love it so much is because I think the family in it is just like mine, except Donnie is smarter and more fucked up than my little brother, plus we don't have a little sister named Samantha who dances in a group called Sparkle Motion. I also love it that the wipe off board on their refrigerator says "Vote Dukakis" on it. I also love that Patrick Swayze plays an inspirational speaker.

At first when I saw this movie I thought I wanted to marry Jake Gyllenhaal. Then I realized that I could probably settle for Richard Kelly, the writer/director. Surprisingly, he's actually pretty good looking. I read an interview of him and I really liked how when he was asked what certain things in the movie meant he always answered with "I think..." That way he didn't ruin it for people who interpreted it differently. He also made this movie in only 28 days, and he was only paid $9000 dollars for it.

I don't think I'll ever see another movie I like as much.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Nicky Hilton is a tacky bitch

Alas, the blessed union of Nicky Hilton and Todd Meister is no more.

Hey, you really can't blame her for being a complete fuck up, look at what she's working with.

However, would it really hurt her to return the ring, which belonged to Meister's grandmother? I mean, yes, the ring is 10 carats. But if anyone can summon the funds for her own 10 carat bling without lifting a finger, it's Nicky Hilton. Although perhaps Mr. Meister should have had the forsight to not use a family heirloom as a prop for a fake wedding orchestrated by Paris and Bijou.

Um, there's these middle aged guys on TV right now that are totally pissed because they say the characters in Dazed and Confused are based off of them. I guess these guys went to high school with the guy who wrote the screenplay. They say that at the very least the names should have been changed. It's Matthew McCoghenay, The long haired guy, and the main character, Jason or Jeremy London. Too bad instead of being all pissed, these guys should realize that this is the coolest thing that's probably ever happened to them.

Also, there's a "reporter" on Inside Edition named Diane McInerny. I seriously hope this is not Jay McInerny's wife. He must be so embarrassed. And the guy from Sugar Ray is also on one of these shows. Not that Sugar Ray was ever cool, but Inside Edition is not a step up for anyone. Except maybe Tara Reid. What the fuck are these people thinking.

comedy and tragedy

I'm all for airing the misfortunes of others for entertainment purposes. That's why I love elimidate. That's why I liked Roger and me. Look at all the poor people! They're hilarious! Come on, admit it. Who didn't laugh at the guy who donated plasma for a living and couldn't even remember the names of the days of the week. Or the soldier from farenheit 9/11 who started singing "the roof is on fire." Fucking hilarious.

Wait, we're not supposed to be laughing? Oh. What about that woman who did a total 360 after her son died? Wait, if we weren't supposed to be laughing how come Moore portrayed her as a real life Jean Teasdale?

I bet you Michael Moore is one of those people that always has a little cheeto dust on his hands.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Material girl

Apparently Madonna is going as a French folk singer this halloween.

Nice, um, cardigan

Oh. My. God. The fug factor here is so high I'm astounded that it hasn't been featured on my favorite website. I don't even know what to say.

At least the bottle matches her purse. Even though her child is a giant, and probably ready to graduate to the sippy cup.

Anyway! Here comes the shocker: Madonna and Celine Dion are related.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

I was sitting on the L platform today (on a bench, not just ON the platform, gross) on my way from work to class, tired and wearing stillettos. It's me on one side of the bench, and this Asian kid and his bag on the other side. I'm pretty sure he was going to IIT too, because he was reading an engineering book. Anyway, first this white middle aged lady came and practiaclly sat on top of me. It really pissed me off because I was eating a zone bar, and I don't like eating while strangers are practically touching me. I was already repulsed enough that I was even eating on the L platform. Maybe she thought that Asian kid was one of those ones who is in a crazy Asian gang or something, I don't know why she wanted to be as far away from him as possible. Especially since his bag was in between them anyway. Maybe she thought I smelled nice.

Anyway! Then this old lady came, except she didn't sit down, because there was nowhere for her to sit. There could have been, being that miraculously none of the people on the bench were overweight, but there wasn't, pretty much because of the kid's stupid bag and the weird spacing due to the lady that wanted to be able to hear me chew my food. The lady standing up had to have been at least 80 years old. Probably the Asian guy should have given her his seat, you know, being a man. Or the other annoying lady probably could have stood up, I mean she was wearing keds for gods sake (the slip on kind, hell yeah). But no, and then the old lady starts eating. She's eating some kind of energy bar. Oh my god, it's me in 70 years. I asked her if she wanted to sit down, and I started to stand up to give her my seat. She's like "there's room for all of us", but there isn't and I'm like "it's okay, I can stand." Then she sits down and pretty much pushes the other people down so there's room for me. That lady was a total bad ass. So then we all sat down and waited for the train. Which took forever to come and I'm glad I wasn't standing up.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Even if their moms didn't teach them any manners, didn't they at least see that commercial where the black kid gives an old lady his seat on the bus? Seriously!

Monday, October 18, 2004

I get sexually harrassed by all the wrong people

Okay, I have a theory about the O'Reily Sexual Harrassment Allegations. A good question was raised under the comments section of my last post:

How does someone force you to have phone sex?

I wondered the same thing when I first read the report. Why didn't she just hang up. Then I read the whole report, and started to get really confused.

So wait, he sexually harrassed her for a while. Then she left, and went to CNN. Then her boss at CNN was fired for SEXUAL HARRASSMENT. Then she went back to work for O'Reily? Then she sued HIM for sexual harrassment?

Hm. I wonder if along the way, a conversation like this took place:

coworker at CNN: You wouldn't believe the things our creepy boss said to me.

Mackris: Yeah I would, my old boss used to say shit like tht to me all the time.

Coworker at CNN: Well, I'm going to sue his ass for everything he's worth.

Mackris: Wait, you can do that?

Coworker at CNN: Hell yeah you can. Honey, if we're going to be sexually harrassed, at least it was by the right people! I'm suing CNN for liquidated damages. Ha! I'll never have to work again!

Mackris: You'll never have to work again? Hm...

Because, if something like that had happend, it would explain a lot. It would explain why Mackris practically took a pay cut to work in such a self-described hostile environment. It would also explain why instead of ending the phone conversations in question she stayed on the line, tape recording every word.

So say my theory is correct. Is this entrapment or something? Because even though she might have been monetarily motivated, he still shouldn't be sexually harrassing his employees. I don't know.

Oh yeah, here's the last question: She's saying that the harrassment was quid pro quo. Isn't a quid pro quo case one where the boss demands sex as an employment condition? Because this case seems a lot more like a hostile conditions one. A lot of times in quid pro quo cases the company is liable. As much as O'Reily is probably worth, I'm sure the FOX network is worth a hell of a lot more.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Bush v Bush, O'Reily v Mackris

I have some unsolicited advice for the president: Wear glasses. People who wear glasses don't look like gaping imbeciles. People who wear glasses don't blink 200 times in one minute.

I wish that when Bush asked Kerry to look into the camera and promise not to raise taxes on the middle class Kerry would have said "read my lips, no new taxes." That would have been fucking funny as hell. Maybe I could splice together the Bush/Dukakis debates and the Bush/Kerry debates so that it would look like jr. and sr. were debating each other.

In other news, Bill O'Reily is in deep shit. He told one of his employees that he wanted to rub her down with a falafel, and she got it on tape. Here's something else he said on the tape:

"If any woman ever breathed a word, I'll make her pay so dearly she'll wish she'd never been born. I'll rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she'll be destroyed. And besides, she wouldn't be able to afford the lawyers I can or endure it financially as long as I can. And nobody would believe her, it'd be her word against mine, and who are they going to believe?"

Hm. I'd say they'd believe you Bill...UNTIL THEY LISTENED TO THE TAPE YOU FUCKING DUMB ASS!!! It looks like with all the thought he put into this, he never considered that someone would pull a Linda Tripp on him. HA!

Anyway, I highly recommend you read the whole report, it's hysterical.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

While I was at NIU, I worked at a gas station for 4 years. It was on campus, and it was the most fun job ever. All my friends worked there, and our boss was drunk all the time. It was one of those gas stations that is also a huge convenience store.

My friend Pete and I worked Saturday nights, which was hilarious, because most of our customers were trashed. Every time someone walked in in a really bad outfit, we would throw pennies at them. It's funny how stupid a girl covered in glitter looks under flourescent lights. It's also funny (and quite disgusting) how much fat girls love to show their tits, but I digress.

One night we were bored of making fun of our customers and so we turned to our second favorite past time: making fun of celebrities. We got a magazine and began flipping through. Enter Robert Downey Jr. in this hilarious skechers ad:

That's when I had a sudden flash of genius: Robert Downey Jr. drug paraphenalia! Using materials in the store we crafted a Robert Downey Jr. Cocaine Sniffing Tray. It consisted of a pair of the above image, mounted on cardbord and standing parallel to each other. They each held one end of a glass tray. We even cut out lines of sugar on the tray. We put the RDJ cocaine on the counter and tried to sell him but for some reason nobody wanted to buy it. I have no idea why not, if I hadn't invented it I sure as hell would have bought it! What could be funnier?? Although laughing while trying to blow cocaine up your nose might be counterproductive.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

sweet fancy jesus...

I have no words for this. Wait...yes I do. What the Fuck?? Is that Dick Cheney, and why is he so tanfastic? Why Dick, is that a golden oil rig, or are you just happy to see me?? In reality, I bet if G.W. was in the presence of oil related paraphanelia he would have a boner so big his hand wouldn't be able to cover it. Or maybe he would be so excited he would soil himself...Oh wait, it looks like he did. This picture is fucking hilarious!!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Britney's cum shot

great minds think alike

I love gawker. So after reading that article, I just have one question: Kimora Lee Simmons is Karl Lagerfield's muse?? What the Fuck! I may not be 6'4, but I'm pretty sure I'm about as attractive as Kimora. Fucking sign me up to sit around in Chanel every day and be adored for it. Then maybe I can marry Russell Simmons and drive around in my platinum Bentely popping xanax all day long.

What I really want is a picture of Kimora Lee Simmons next to the Olsen Twins.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

one crazy bitch

Okay, as embarrased as I am to admit that I watched "Life and Style" on Friday, it was probably better than "The Nanny" which was one of my other options. "Judge Joe Brown" might be a better choice for next time. Anyway, Kimora Lee Simmons. She's one of the hosts of the show. First of all she's a giant, and a giant bitch. Second, I'm pretty sure she eats tons and tons of pharmeceutical drugs. Like, ones not perscribed by her doctor. She just has that look. And it's not just from all the weed she smokes. God knows why Russell Simmons married her. I bet he keeps her medicine cabinet fully fucking stocked. She definitely needs to be sedated.

Friday, October 08, 2004

God will swoop down and pour Gatorade on me

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Hm. Interesting

Abnormal mentioned a news item on his blog today that was rather interesting. An 11 year old in Milwaukee was accused of raping a 76 year old woman while his friends stood guard. This happened a while ago, and I remember reading about it. But the article that I read accused the boy of attempted rape. I bet I nkow what happened, I bet since the kid was an 11 year old virgin he couldn't get his dick hard. I mean, has an 11 year old even hit puberty yet? Did he see The Bad Lieutenant on TV and think it looked like a good idea? The article also stated that the boy had put on a condom. So that's good, the Milwaukee schools are providing adequate sex eduation at least. Obviously the importance of protection had been so emphasized that this boy's first thought when raping an old lady is to wear a condom. Did he think this lady was going to infect him with the High Five or what? Because the chances of pregnancy are, um, zero.

Surprising though, that this occured in Milwaukee. Usually when I hear about stupidity of this magnitude it is coming from below the Mason Dixon line.


John Edwards is way hotter than Dick Cheney

I thought the Cheney Edwards debate was really good. I had expected Cheney to smash Edwards, due to the fact that Cheney is so much more experienced. However I thought Edwards did really well. I also thought he had better presentation skills than Cheney (better eye contact, gestures, etc.). Maybe he honed these skills during his years as a trial lawyer. Or maybe his confidence was bouyed by the fact that he is just so much better looking than Dick Cheney.

I'm now a huge fan of John Edwards. Not only does he have a luxurious head of hair, but he manages to pull off a Southern accent without sounding completely retarded. Did anyone else notice that next to Edwards, Dick Cheney looked even more like an evil villian than usual?

Monday, October 04, 2004

Mandy Moore is a Giant

Either Mandy Moore is a giant, or Ashley Olsen is a dwarf. Supposedly Ashley is 5'1 and Mandy is 5'10. Yeah right, there's like a foot and a half between them. And what the hell is Ashley wearing? Whatever it is, it looks terrible. It looks like she's wearing some type of malliot under a really ugly slip with dye-able shoes. Yikes. I hope she didn't actually pay a stylist to put together this fugly ensemble. And is it just me or does Ashley have bigger feet of all three of them? That's weird, you'd think Mandy would have huge flipper feet since she is apparently seven feet tall.

Who the hell is that girl in the middle?
Today there were like 500 people on the train. What the fuck, there's usually like 20. Did the economy experience a huge upswing resulting in 480 people getting jobs over the weekend? Now that it's cold out everybody got their winter jobs or something. There was this guy two rows in front of me sitting in the outside seat with his briefcase next to him. And then there were like 25 people standing. They were standing not just in the area where people usually stand by the doors, but also in the aisles. This lady came and stood right next to taking-up-two-seats-guy. He didn't even move over. I'm surprised she wasn't like "Bitch, move over!!!" I wanted to punch that guy in the face. I wonder what the hell was in his brief case anyway, being that he looked like he works at Wendy's.

I had to sit next to a sleeping guy with really disgusting yellow nails, and he coughed on me. I probably have tuberculosis now. Couldn't they have a VIP car on the train for people who smell good and have manners? There's really no reason I should have to get infected with tuberculosis just to get to work in the morning. It's not the 1800s.

Where are these people even going? Most of them don't look like they are dressed for work, unless they work in a landfill. Why are these bums on the train??? If I was a bum, I would surely be sleeping in.

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