Thursday, September 30, 2004

What are you, a fucking condom?

I got this from the Daily Dish section of the New York Daily News:

In a recently surfaced 12-hour videotape, Hilton is shown in a rather disturbing scene with two African-American men who ask her if she would model their fashion line.
Hilton, standing with pal Brandon Davis, is polite to the men, but calls them "dumb n--s" after they leave, according to British reporter Carole Aye Maung, who reviewed the tape.
"Two ... guys begin talking to her," Maung told us. "She's being very, very sweet to them. [But] she definitely uses the N-word. It's so cruel, because they were so lovely, and she was being so lovely to them."

Too bad as soon as they walked away I hope they were both like, "Dumb Bitch." You know, now that I think of it, I don't think I've ever seen Paris photographed with a black person.

Here are some of the other events that take place during the 12 hour video: Paris and Nick Carter have sex in a car, Paris has sex with some model she used to date, and Paris rolls a joint. While she's rolling the joint she jokes "It'll be Paris Hilton 2: How to roll a joint."

And yes, she's really that dumb. They did a makeover on her for Jane magazine a couple of years ago (actually they called it a makeunder, and she hated it because they made her look like a normal human being instead of a dirty transvestite which is apparently her preferred look), and I guess her interview was on paper. Anyway, she wrote that she thought she looked chic, only she spelled it sheik. Like the condom.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004


I just saw a shirt for sale online that says "I fucked the Olsen twins before they were famous" on it. Wait...haven't those girls been famous since they were like 2 years old?? That's fucking sick!!!!!! Is the shirt seriously about raping little kids?? Or is there something I'm not getting.

I also saw some pictures of Britney Spears and her gross boyfriend wearing trucker hats that said "shut up and do me" (hers) and "rock out with your cock out" (his). Rock out with your cock out?? That's hilarious!! But seriously, how could she be that rich and famous and not be aware of the fact that the trucker hat trend is over.

I still can't get over "I fucked the Olsen twins before they were famous"!! Can someone explain this to me??

Monday, September 27, 2004

Woah, there's this chick on people's court wearing a yellow tank top with a big stain on it.I actually just got up and checked the TV to make sure it wasn't something on the screen, but no, she actually got up in the morning and picked that shirt to wear to the people's court today. Even though she is way too fat to be wearing a tank top anyway, regardless of whether it has a huge stain on it or not. I don't think you're supposed to dress like a dirty skank at court, even if it is the people's court. Ew, wash your shirt bitch! Why am I even watching this show????

I was at one of the crappy madison street bars last night and the ugliest guy I've ever seen came and sat down next to me. What the fuck?? He looked like that red haired guy on american pie that pisses his pants at the prom. What was that guys name? Oh yeah, Sherman. Sick. What in the hell is wrong with me that makes me attract guys like that?

A side note: I just included that Sherman link for the picture, but I just checked out the rest of the website, and it's fucking hilarious. There's one part where he answers fan's questions, but it doesn't show the questions, just the answers. One of the answers is "really really dark red." I really hope the qeustion wasn't "what color are your pubes", but I have a feeling it was. SICK!!!

Friday, September 24, 2004

LG hearts obesity

I saw a commercial today for an LG refrigerator that has a fucking television built into in it. What the fuck?? On the commercial it said something about combining the two things American's love most: watching TV and eating. Wait, isn't LG a Japanese company? Are they making fun of us?? Except it's true. People will love that TV. That is so sad. And then I saw a commercial for white castle's newest creation: fucking chicken rings. No, not chicken wings, chicken rings. Yes, it's true. Like Onion rings. Except unlike onions, chickens do not naturally come in rings. I'm guessing white castle uses mechanically seperated chicken, which is probably pretty malleable compared to, say, an actual chicken breast. So that's good. Now you can eat chicken rings while you watch the TV in your refrigerator. I bet chicken rings are super good with a side of head cheese.

I'm going to invent a TV that is attached to a treadmill and you have to be walking on the treadmill to power the TV. Too bad no one will buy my TV.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

I'm confused

Here are some things that confused me today:

1) How come on Lake Shore Drive the people in the left lane drive so god damn slow? Has Lake Shore Drive become part of some Bizzaro Parallell Universe where the right lane has become the left lane and the left lane has become the right lane?

2) Why is the Madvillain CD that I borrowed from Ben different from my burned copy that I lost? It has most of the same songs, but not in the same order, and some of the words are different. It looks like my burned copy is the Bizzaro World remix. Too bad I liked that one better than the Real World version.

3) If regression twoards the mean occurs (which I'm told it does), than why the fuck do we assume that there is zero correlation between true scores and error scores? Psychometrics! You never fail to confound me!

If anyone can clear up any of these confusions for me, I'll give you a dollar. And if you can explain number three, I'll give you five dollars. And if you can tell me where I can get another copy of the Madvillain Bizzaro World Remix, I'll give you ten dollars.

Magazines are stupid

Huh. I never knew that it's your watch that tells most about who you are. Now come on, what can we really tell about this woman by her watch, besides that she had the unfortunate taste to pair gold with silver.

I don't believe someone was paid actual money to create this stupid ad. Maybe I should have gone into marketing. Apparently it is the easiest job ever.

Monday, September 20, 2004

I couldn't make this shit up

So I'm sure everybody already knows that Britney Spears married her scrubby cheeto eating man whore this weekend, and that after the ceremoney everyone changed into sweatsuits, white for the men, pink for the ladies, reading "Pimps" and "Maids" respectively. Except for the father of the groom whose sweatsuit said "Pimp Daddy". That is so fucking awesome I can't even believe it. If I asked my dad to wear a suit that said "Pimp Daddy" on it to my wedding he would probably vomit all over me.

Derek Zoolander

Posted by Hello

Yikes! I guess Ashley got sick of being called the fat twin.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I don't even believe in Jesus and I find this hilarious

What would Jeebus do? Posted by Hello

Jesus of Nazareth says, "Give to him who begs from you, and do not refuse him who would borrow from you"...Jesus favors more government handouts from welfare cheats.

Jesus of Nazareth says, "Judge not, that you be not judged"...Jesus is soft on crime.

Jesus of Nazareth says, "Render therefore unto Ceasar the things whici are Ceasars"... Jesus will raise your taxes.

Jesus of Nazareth says, "Do not resist one who is evil, but if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other"....Can we trust Jesus to fight the war on terror?


Wrong on social services
Wrong on crime
Wrong on defense
Wrong for America.

So we still don't know if Jesus would vote for Barrack Obama, but now we know George W. wouldn't vote for Jesus.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Get Paid?? Posted by Hello

I just came across this picture of Dan, and I noticed that he's wearing his favorite shirt that says Get Paid on it. Which is hilarious because as much as Dan wishes he was Getting Paid, what he is usually getting is Ripped Off. That is, if when we say Get Paid we are talking about actual money. But then again, a shirt that says Get Paid on it might be just the fashion statement for someone who is such a crack whore he will blow lines out of another guys ass crack.

Wait, wasn't Dan trying to get paid when his fat friend jacked me in the face?? Hilarious!

Monday, September 13, 2004

Yikes! Posted by Hello

Does Will I Am know about this???

K - I - D - S

I used to like the Black Eyed Peas. I wasn't like their greatest fan or anything, but I saw them once with De La Soul, and I think a few times with J5 and Dialted People, and they were okay. What the fuck happened?? I'm guessing they got a new manager who told them they could sell a lot more records if they TOTALLY SUCKED. And then he told them their first step towards totally sucking would be to get a slutty chick to join the group. Enter Fergie. "What kind of a name is Fergie" you ask? The kind of name that is short for Stacy Fergeson. And if you love the eighties as much as I do, you may remember Stacy Feregeson as an original member of Kids Incorporated. If you've never seen Kids Incorporated, you missed out on a program that showcased the singing, dancing, and acting abilities of such stars as Jennifer Love Hewitt, David Hasselhoff, and Martika. Apparently Fergie graduated Kids Incorporated to become a member of a band called Wild Orchid. This is the part where if I knew how to post pictures on here, I would post a fucking hilarious picture of that band. Then I would post a current picture of Fergie, and I would ask the question, ugly or hot? Because she has a really good body, which might or might not be cancelled out by the fact that her skin looks dirty as hell.

Friday, September 10, 2004


So I've been going through about 50 Derrick Carter CDs trying to find the one that has "Fame" on it, and I started thinking, 'Is it possible that the one that has "Fame" on it also has "When Doves Cry", or could something so awesome only happen in my imagination?' And then I realized why I've been talking about eighties sitcoms recently. I love the eighties! How I never noticed this before, I don't know. I probably should have realized it when I paid $1.99 for my cell phone to play "99 balloons" when it rings, or when Jay McInerney was my favorite author. The me decade! Cocaine! However I don't love the eighties enough to wear leg warmers or huge flourescent pink earring shaped like lightning bolts.

In other news, there was a girl on the train yesterday with the laziest eye I've ever seen. I couldn't stop staring at her, and I don't even think she could see straight enough to know that I was staring. Is a lazy eye even functional? Because if it's not, seriously, just wear an eye patch. Yes, you will look like a pirate, but isn't that better than looking retarded? I would totally rock an eye patch. Especially if I could get a Burberry one. Or maybe one with the Chanel logo on it. An eye patch for every occaison. Why not. Darryl Hannah did it in Kill Bill.


Thursday, September 09, 2004

My Two Dads

Speaking of '80s television, does anyone remember the show My Two Dads? The premise of the show was that Dana from Step by Step's mom died and so she had to be raised by her dad. Except her mom was a slut and fucked 2 guys in one night or something, so she has 2 dads. One is a business man and one is an artist. Hilarity ensues. I would love to know how someone came up with the idea to make this into a show. It's like a PG-13 rated version of full house, with the cool dad as Uncle Jesse and the straight dad as Danny Tanner, but Dana's mom fucked both of them. I want to see the super special episode where Dana finds out her mom was a prostitute.


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

...he's a Lego maniac!

I remember my first crush. It was so bad it hurt. I had a crush on Zack the Lego Maniac. That kid was super hot! And then a new commercial came out complete with new Zack, who was not super hot at all! What the Hell! If anyone knows what happened to the original Zack, let me know. It's possible that he grew up to be Jared Leto or something, but more likely he used his Lego money to go to NYU, and is now a forensic anthropologist or something. So I could possibly have a shot with him. I haven't thought about Zack the Lego Maniac for years. Now I have a crush on someone else, someone I shouldn't have a crush on. I know everyone gets crushes on someone they shouldn't at one point or another. Boyfriend's brother. Brother's friend. Friend's brother. Friend's Boyfriend. Geometry teacher. 2nd cousin. What do people do in this situation? Besides my old roommate, who messed around with our other 2 roommates boyfriends on the same day and then cried and said her parents didn't love her. What do normal people do? I have a crush and I'm writing about it in my journal. Hi, I'm in second grade.

Monday, September 06, 2004


Yesterday I saw a Honda minivan with a bra on it. Is that what those things are called that are black leather and go around the front of a car? Well whatever it's called, I saw a Honda minivan wearing one. HA!

What about burberry bras for your car (or minivan). People would love it.

I just saw a commercial for a show where this black guy who used to date Ally McBeal (what the hell is that guys name?) inherits a baby. I think I saw this show before when it was on the WB starring Aunt Becky from full house. And I never saw Raising Helen (Thank God) but I believe it involved Kate Hudson inheriting some kids while wearing Uggs and hot pants.

Speaking of Aunt Becky, I saw the funniest picture of the whole cast of Full House at the premiere of that Olsen twins movie. If I could figure out how to post it on here I would, because maybe someone could tell me who the guy on the right is. He is definitely not Uncle Jesse. Uncle Jesse apparently didn't attend the premiere, probably because he can't show his face in public after he found out his ex wife Rebecca Romaine Stamos is dating the fat kid from Stand by Me.


Wednesday, September 01, 2004


I went to the bank over my lunch break, and I saw a girl with a Burberry sling around her arm. Probably not the classiest thing I've seen all day. I'm betting that Burberry doesn't even make such a sling. I bet if I looked more closely, I would have noticed that the plaid had two black stripes instead of three or whatever.

Although I realize I shouldn't make fun of others attire as I am wearing black pants with the hems stapled in and a black shirt with dog hair all over it, damn, at least I'm not wearing a Burberry sling around my arm, and If I were it probably wouldn't be all dirty and scrubby. Anyway, I also want to clarify that I am not making fun of this girl for her fake Burberry, I'm making fun of her because even if Burberry made such a sling, it would STILL BE COMPLETELY LAME!! If you read this post aloud, how funny does Burberry start to sound?

I was also accosted by a guy who wanted me to give him $65, which I guess was like a deposit so I could later go to Colin's of London salon on Oak Street and get a haircut, highlights, massage, and manicure. What a great price! So of course I gave him the money. NOT. I wonder if anyone actually gave this guy $65. I'm trying to think of the dumbest person I know, and I don't even think she would have done it. But then again, I saw a girl on Montell that let a fake doctor cut her nipples off. So.

If that guy actually worked at a salon, he wouldn't have asked me if I color my hair, because he would have been able to tell that I have a bad dye job.

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