i hate the bus

i don't even get how people ride the bus. i always want to like riding the bus because if you look into a bus while it's going past it kind of looks like everyone in there is part of some kind of low budget movie about the beauty of ugliness, but then when you get inside it it is not actually like that at all.

the bus is like my mortal enemy. every time i ride my bike i feel like i'm in fucking frogger because every bus on the road, which is like twenty thousand of them, is about to run me over. last year i got sideswiped by a bus AT LEAST THREE TIMES. getting sideswiped by a bus is great especially if it sideswipes your bare skin and leaves A GIANT HICKEY all over you. when everyone at work asks you why there is a giant hickey covering your entire arm you can tell them it is because a bus tried to run you off the road. i could probably stop riding my bike like i'm on a fucking suicide mission and this would stop happening but shit just isn't fun for me if i don't kind of feel like i might die doing it.

obviously i almost got run over by a bus today and am still pissed about it. good thing i am the kind of asshole that will then get right in front of the bus in the middle of the street and refuse to move to the side. OH YOU DON'T WANT TO SHARE THE LANE WITH ME LIKE A NICE BUS, FINE, I GUESS I AM GOING TO TEACH EVERYONE ON YOU A LESSON BY RIDING MY BIKE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO PASS ME FOR SIX BLOCKS! this is the kind of asshole behavior that can make me feel good for the whole rest of the day because it nourishes that part of my heart that is dedicated to bus revenge. (like 30% of my heart is dedicated to bus revenge).

other things i thought about today besides bus revenge while i was riding my bike in the rain this morning were acid rain and those stupid things you can fasten to your bike above your back tire so water doesn't splash up on you. those things are stupid. what is the point of riding your bike in the rain if water is not going to splash up on you. i love going to work with dirty street water all over me. when you can show up at work with dirty street water all over you and still be the best looking one there that is when you know you have truly made it.

meat is murder

i just made fried rice with ham and pineapple. not for me obviously because i am not a horribly disgusting human being who eats things like ham and pineapple at the same time. my roommate and my boyfriend both like that shit. my boyfriend picked up the rice for me and he got this shit that takes forty minutes to make. what the fuck kind of rice is this? i thought rice was supposed to take three minutes. or one minute i guess if you get the kind that is called minute rice. he said the forty minute rice is HIGHER QUALITY. hah, yeah right. like there are quality gradiations of rice. eating rice is like taking a newspaper and tearing it up into hundreds of little balled up peices and then eating it. something else that is disgusting is ham. where even is the blood of it? i thought meat is supposed to be soaking in it's own blood, that's the whole reason it is good. the blood. chicken doesn't really have that much blood either, which is weird since it totally has veins and arteries you can accidentally bite into if you want to have the most disgusting experience of your life. i wonder what a pigeon tastes like. probably better than chicken. pigeon is probably greasy as hell because those things are fucking fat and lazy. did you know that pigeons are not even scared of fire? so i guess that makes them either the smartest or the dumbest animal ever. seriously, they will get really close to fire. closer than i will. i wonder if you could teach a pigeon to cook. probably you could, i mean didn't they used to teach them to take messages to people in the old days? some hobo could totally teach one to fly up and drop the squirrel meat on the garbage can fire. except that would be one industrious hobo who would probalby not be a hobo for long.

i don't remember people.

this weekend i was at a bar in elgin and this guy walks up to me like HEY, ERIN LASTNAME? of course i had no idea who this guy was and probably said some thing snotty like YEAH, AND WHO MAY I SAY IS CALLING? it was my ex boyfriend from college. i guess i am going to have to embrace the fact that i am the kind of idiot who doesn't recognize people i used to bang.

this dude used to be glorious looking, now, eh, he is just okay. of course i told him so because i have no social filter. OH MY GOD DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD? he told me he was in medical school which is absolutely amazing because i always thought he was some kind of idiot. man, i wonder if any of my other ex boyfriends are secret geniuses.

that guy did used to be great looking though. plus he was completely fucking weird which is a big plus with me. he was dating some other chick named erin who pretty much looked exactly like me when i started dating him. if you can even call it dating, pretty much all we ever did was go to la salsa and eat burritos and then walk around aimlessly. he forgot to break up with the other erin before he started dating me and she used to call him all the time and he would just ignore it. so of course she somehow tracked me down and i was like UH, I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP NOW...?...??? UH...?...DID YOU EVER NOTICE HE IS KIND OF AN IDIOT THOUGH? then i took her to la salsa. i still talk to that girl. i guess i should call her and tell her i saw our ex boyfriend.

another friday night

something rich people like is pretending to be poor. yesterday we had the skylights open and i was sitting under one getting rained on for ten minutes until dave started to close it and i was like HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STOP, THIS IS AWESOME! I AM BELIEVING THAT I LIVE IN A SHANTY! too bad if i was actually poor and rain was pouring into my home i probably would not think it was cool at all. this is also like how stupid children of incredibly rich people think it is so cool to go out and get jobs on their own merit. do any normal people feel all incredible for getting a job on their own merit? no. pretty much my biggest goal in life is to meet someone who will give me a job i am in no way qualified for with no actual responsiblities. also my parents liked pretending we were poor for the first twenty years of my life, and they were so good at it i actually believed it was true. like even though everybody i knew had central air, did we have central air? of course not. we had a giant window unit that looked like it was probably the first air conditioner ever invented, and it was in the den, and when it was really hot my mom and dad would sleep on the couch in there and me and my brother would sleep on the floor, like poor people. then i got older and realized if you have a room in your house that you call a den, you are probably not actually poor. i guess my parents probably liked that shit because it made them feel less guilty about being upper middle class or something. i don't feel guilty about that shit at all. i am going to put the air conditioning on tomorrow and that shit is going to stay on until november. and if it is ever not fucking humid out again i am going to open all the windows and i am still going to leave the air on. it is not even wasteful, it is a business necessity, today at work my hair looked like a fucking lion and nobody took me seriously for the whole day.

i brought my dad to the mutiny again

this time my bar dad was there WHOA, WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE. actually i don't know if that dude can be my bar dad anymore because the other day i'm pretty sure he showed me and sabrina some video footage of him molesting an underage girl. my dad loves the mutiny for some reason. i should probably start bringing him once a week. LOOK DAD, YOU CAN BUY DRINKS FOR ME AND ALL MY FRIENDS FOR THE SMALL PRICE OF $30 AT THIS FINE ESTABLISHMENT. my dad even bought drinks for my favorite bartender. maybe she can be his bar daughter.

my big plans for tonight are watching the office and eating microwave enchiladas. the great thing about mexican food is it tastes pretty much the same out of a microwave as it does when you go to an actual restaurant. that is also the great thing about hotdogs. the other great thing about hotdogs is they taste exactly the same coming up as they do going down, i really recommend them if you plan on drunken vomiting. oh god, hotdog vom. not very many foods taste good recycled. bacon is another one. and i guess pretty much anything smoked. lox. i am going to be honest with you and tell you that this is not new material, this is an actual conversation i had with my boyfriend today. it's pretty awesome when your boyfriend likes to purge the same foods as you do, a sign of beautiful true love.

i wonder what it is like on your birthday in jail.

my roommate is still shunning his one friend so today i photoshopped a picture of him making the universal sign for call me and made a word bubble that said CALL ME and then i stuck it in some mail and wrote ATTN: DAVE LASTNAME on it, he actually thought that kid sent it to him. I HAVE THE BEST JOKES. of course i did this at work because i have more important shit to do at home, like practicing the comedic art of spitting out drinks. dave saw this thing on channel 11 where john ritter talks about how this is truly a learned skill, so now we are going to learn it.

i should also give a shout out to my ex boyfriend in the clink because his birthday was yesterday. don't ask me why i can remember when his birthday was and i can't even remember when my own birthday is half the time. probably because he was the most boring person ever and my friend amy told me it was because he was a taurus so now i am forced to remember that he was a taurus until the end of time. i'm not even sure why i thought that guy was so boring, looking back on it he probably wasn't even in the top ten of boring people i know. i don't know though, pretty much all i remember about those glorious times is getting fingerbanged behind a dumpster, climbing onto the roof of my high school and almost breaking my leg, and him getting arrested and his mom calling me a slut. also i had a huge crush on his best friend. pretty much the story of my life those days was banging exceptionally attractive people and secretly pining away for their uglier and more hilarious best friends.

in case you forgot my ex boyfriend is incarcerated for killing someone with his car in the midst of a drunken stupor. i think ninety percent of my ex boyfriends have drunk driving records. they are probably all going to jail one day. i think that's the only one whose mom called me a slut though, so i guess my memories for him are extra special.

what i want to be when i grow up

today i was buying some v8 from the vending machine and i look at my quarter and i swear to god it says LIVE FREE OR DIE on it. i felt like rowdy roddy piper in the greatest movie of all time, they live, where he puts on those special glasses and suddenly all the money says I AM YOUR GOD on it or whatever. then i realized it was just the new hampshire state quarter. thank god i made it past the turn of the century, where every state has its own quarter. remember when there was only one kind of quarter and it had an eagle on it? god those days were hard. i can't wait until i am president and i can remodel all 50 quarters after my own experiences. like, INDIANA: METH AND DESPAIR and MISSISSIPI: IF RACISM WAS A STATE.

i'm pretty sure i could probalby be president one day. if barack obama can become president surely i too can become president. this is fucking america. i can do whatever i want. probably i am going to get hate comments for this but i don't even get what the big deal about barack obama is. i guess i will probably vote for him personally just because he admitted he's done blow. when i run for president i also will admit to doing blow. SHIT YES I'VE DONE COCAINE, i will say when they ask me, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A NERD? everyone will vote for me because i will be so effing cool.

fuck you cta

i am going to start riding my bike to work again THANK GOD. i absolutely hate taking the train to work in the morning. if you want to see the biggest douchebags in your life they are all on the blue line at 7am. except then after you start riding your bike for a while you realize all the other douchebags who are not on the train are riding their stupid bikes down milwaukee, oh well, my bike is faster SEE YOU LATER DOUCHEBAGGERS. then they catch up to you at the stoplights and are like HEY, THAT'S A BOYS BIKE. i can't wait for the first person of the year to tell me that i am riding a boys bike. OH REALLY IS THIS A BOYS BIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW. too bad my bike is the best one on the fucking road. i will show you a picture of it, the best bike on the planet, better than your bike.

it's the one on the right. what a great picture. that boombox represents beautiful roommate compromise, it is for listening to baseball games in the spring because i can not tolerate them on tv. the bike on the left is the guest bike. also please note how i tied my tree up with plastic bags because i am too poor to afford twine. the city of chicago is trying to outlaw plastic bags i read it in the reader. why anybody would want to outlaw something that has infinity number of uses, i have no idea. probably what the city should actually outlaw is the reader. like i really need to read another article about some stupid hipster lady that paints pictures of her stupid pug dog. a plastic bag is infintely more useful to me than that stupid newspaper. what am i supposed to suffocate my baby with, my bare hands?

wow, that is a magnificent bike, i think i would like to have sex with it.

something else i would like to have sex with is this fucking burger, too bad i ate it. A HAMBURGER WITH A FUCKING HOTDOG ON TOP OF IT. i am gay for that burger. the whole time i was eating it i kept saying shit like THIS FUCKING BURGER IS GOD DAMN AMAZING. THE RATIO OF HOTDOG TO HAMBURGER, OH MY GOD. something else that is fucking amazing is this window display of jesus on crutches that me and mandy found on the way home from kuma's.

what the eff

march. in like a lion, out like a bigger lion, with surgically implanted stainless steel super-teeth and a mane made out of razor blades. why the fuck is it snowing right now??? this is so gay. isn't easter like tomorrow? i don't remember seeing any snow in all the pictures of lazarus raising jesus from the dead that i sit around staring at in my free time. or wait it was jesus that raised lazarus from the dead, i just looked it up on wikipedia for posterity. never mind. god, i guess all kinds of people used to rise from the dead, why the fuck doesn't that ever happen anymore? god hates us, that's why. first he won't raise our modern dead and then he makes it snow in march.

i guess i will talk about all of the things that are pissing me off right now. i had to go to a funeral last week and the whole time i was ready for this lady i hate to show up so i could tell her to get the fuck out of my face. i have seriously hated this lady since i was three years old and she told me i was going to die one day. then she majorly fucked over the guy whose funeral it was so i decided she better not show up there or i was going to tell her to go fuck off. i couldn't decide if i should just tell her to get the fuck away from me and leave it at that or if i should add on something about how she was going to die one day too and nobody in the world was going to care. god, that is one of those horrible insults that really confirms a person's own deepest fears. that shit would probably haunt her for the rest of her days. she would think of me on her deathbed. anyway, the stupid whore didn't even show up. what the eff! that was supposed to be my finest moment. protecting my family from the worst person in the world. she probably didn't show up because she tried calling my dad that day and he hung up on her.

i am pissed off at my brother right now also because i have called him every day for three days and he is not calling me back. if someone you love committs suicide is it normal to be scared everybody else you know is also going to commit suicide? haha i just said i loved someone. don't get used to it. what a fucking sham. you know how love is supposed to make the world go round? well, it turns out it can't even make people not shoot themselves in their heads. i always knew love was a waste of my time. also i'm not even allowing myself to be pissed off at my brother for not calling me back and making me think he committed suicide because if he really did commit suicide i would feel bad for being mad.

that is the curse of consciousness. i seriously wish i did not have the capacity to think about what my future thoughts might be regarding the thoughts i am currently having. that is like an intellectual ourbouro.

that's what she said

yesterday i cut my hair and bleached it. they have now invented shit you can buy that will bleach your hair in ten minutes you guys. thank god, i think i will cure aids during the 40 minutes i just saved, or maybe i will have a staring contest with my dog. the problem with cutting your own hair is that it is pretty much a given that you are going to fuck up the back of your head. i am solving that problem by never looking at the back of my head.

i don't even care how stupid my hair looks, i hate paying people money to do shit i can do myself. god, i was watching the office one time and dwight said pretty much the exact same thing. it's okay, i'm not scared to admit that i am kindred spirits with dwight from the office. sometimes when i watch it by myself i talk to him. is it okay that i think fake people on tv are my friends?

tv is something else i won't pay money for because, seriously, tv? i can do that shit myself. i have whole conversations with myself that are way funnier than anything on tv.