Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Black Friday

I'm not going to talk about how much I hate thanksgiving like I usually do because I only blog like four times a year now and what if I die young and my kid has to learn about me from this blog, I don't want her thinking I was 25% about thanksgiving, right? I mean there is so much more to me than hating thanksgiving. I hate SO many other things. For example black Friday. Has black friday always been a thing? I feel like black Friday is one of those things I had never heard of before and then suddenly one day everybody was talking about it and I was like "oh yeah of course" while I googled it under the table all fast so nobody would find out what a fraud I am. If you somehow don't know what black Friday is, like if you're an alien from the future trying to learn about American civilization through this blog or something, black Friday is basically organized looting. Millions of people stampede big box stores in the middle of the night but then instead of stealing shit they actually pay for it, it makes no sense. They supposedly do it for the deep discounts which are only slightly less deep for the whole rest of the month so that part also makes no sense plus shit is also pretty cheap online that day but I guess there are people, like, alot of them, that would rather stand in a line outside best buy at two in the morning and face the actual possibility of being trampled to death. God. This is totally the time of year where I spend a whole month wondering if I have anything in common with anyone else alive.

Friday, November 02, 2012

What's the Word, Bird?

I just saw a sign on the subway that said abortion and rape are wrong for the same reason. Does that even make any sense? I'm scared to think about it too hard so you're going to have to let me know. Ah shit, I thought about it.

Abortion and rape are the same because society can't reach a consensus as to the personhood of the victims.

Why cant I stop thinking ever. I wish I was a bird. Maybe if I'm a very good girl santa will turn me into one.

Whats going on with rape these days anyway? I only ever hear about it in the context of abortion.

If rape and abortion are the same how come there are no anti rape crusaders lining up outside courthouses to harrass and intimidte rapists as they arrive for their hearings? Conservatives dont give a shit about women getting raped, or children getting raped, or even zygotes getting aborted, probably. Wake up voters, youre being manipulated. Shit. I'm being manipulated too. LET'S ALL STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. Lets all scrunch our eyes shut as tightly as we can and ask Jesus to turn us into birds.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Yes you do. You do look like you're 30.

People tell me I look young all the time. People also tell me they like this fucking asinine haircut in which I impersonate Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns. I never believe anything anybody tells me. When I was 15 and my first boyfriend told me he loved me I looked at him and said "what kid of idiot do you take me for." "I don't think you're an idiot!" he said, obviously failing to note the lack of question marks at the end of that sentence. Anyway, I know I look my age, because all my friends look just like me. They all think they look young too. Uh sorry I have to be the one to tell you that contrary to what youve heard, nobody thinks any of you motherfuckers are in college. Here's what I looked like when I was in college. Here's what I look like now. See how exasperated I look? That's because I've been beaten down by life. I'm also holding my hair on top of my head because I'm having a fucking hot flash. That is what a 32 year old looks like, my friends. I think when people say you don't look 30 what they mean is that you don't look like the mom in "Everybody Loves Raymond," which like I really doubt Patricia Heaton even looks like that when she's not getting paid to pretend she's married to fucking Ray Romano. As long as we're talking about TV I might as well blame it for people not knowing what a thirty year old looks like. Or movies. It's like after Angelina Jolie played Colin Farrell's mom all hope was lost for anybody to accurately identify anybody's age ever again.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Don't Worry, There's Enough Legitimate Rape To Go Around

Todd Akin, man. This dude thinks the female uterus can identify a rape baby and like expel it. Do all republicans think this? PROBABLY, which it's like, oh now I understand why they want to take away all my rights, they are probably scared to death of women and their MAGIC FUCKING POWERS, holy shit. Do you think When Todd Akin saw Like Water for Chocolate he thought it was real? I don't know why everybody's so mad at him, I think he's fucking adorable. I used to think shit like that all the time when I was a little kid, for example I used to try to get from the light switch to my bed in the time between me hitting the light switch and the light going off, AKA NO TIME AT ALL, I THOUGHT I COULD POSSIBLY MOVE FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT BASED ON SOME MUHAMMAD ALI QUOTE I'D READ. What a fucking idiot I was, but that's totally cute, yeah? That Todd Akin still thinks like this is SO PRECIOUS. What really bothers me is Mitt Romney or Paul Ryan or whichever of those dickheads felt the need to clarify that the current GOP candidates don't agree with Akin. I mean it's great that they sort of know science or whatever, like to the extent that someone who believes life begins at conception can "know science,"but they still don't want women to have any rights so who really cares how much rudimentary science they know? They're pretty much like we know you can get pregnant from rape, we just don't care. Mittens Romney, you are such a dick! Seriously. A bigger dick than that dummy Todd Akins who actually believes we live in a world where no one gets raped and pregnant.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Samantha Irby is a Genius and Not in the Boring Way

I've got something for you to read today. Don't click on it yet, read this first and THEN click on it, idiot! It's by Samantha Irby, the funniest person on the Internet. When I read her blog it makes me want to blog more but also never blog again AT THE SAME TIME. Yep, I can't even read something awesome without having some kind of insane crisis because I'm a dickhead who makes everything about myself. In further dickhead news, I'm not even going to link to her blog here because I am sure that once you read it you will never read my blog again. BYE, IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU. Anyway, what I DID link to is a story she wrote for The Rumpus. I shouldn't have even liked this story, it wasn't about preppy murderers or rich people on pills or any of the normal idiotic stuff I like to read about. Anyway I read a fucking ton of shit and this was by far the best thing that I've read in the past six months if not longer. The last thing I read that was this good was by Joan Didion. And Joan Didion doesn't have a fucking hilarious blog, so fuck her. Did you really think I was going to keep that link from you?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Time Out.

Remember Saved by the Bell? Of course you do. What a great show. I don't know anybody who didn't like that show, except my friend Dave who was scared of it and said it reminded him of what it would be like if aliens came to earth and pretended to be high school humans. Which, like, he's totally right but who cares? I think I must always have this fucking show playing somewhere in my head just below my level of consciousness because when I couldn't think of anything to ask yesjessica.com for her "Ask Jessica" post that was what I came up with. Who is your favorite saved by the bell character? What a stupid question, of course she said Zack Morris. That's why I could never relate to Kelly, that stupid idiot spent way too much time trying to choose between Zack and Slater. Um, Zack Morris owns the worlds first cellphone prototype and can freeze time and AC Slater wears sweatpants and doesn't call anybody by their real names. How is that a hard choice. Zack went on to guest star in Law and Order SVU as a gay for pay porn star trying to finance his daughters cystic fibrosis treatment. Yeah right, the real Zack Morris would never have had to do that, he would have thought of a much zanier and G-rated solution. Oh, Zack. My favorite female character was Jessie Spano for some reason, and now that I think of it I've spent my whole life trying to cultivate Zack and Jessie relationships where I have a BFF dude who climbs in my window for platonic sleepovers and never tries to bang me. Spoiler alert: in real life THEY ALWAYS TRY TO BANG YOU. So disappointing, it's like, WHAT THIS NEVER HAPPENED WITH ZACK AND JESSIE! Actually it kind of did, I was going to cross my fingers and hope nobody remembered the episode where they kissed, but it turns out my vanity won't let me pretend to have forgotten that piece of Saved by the Bell trivia. Yes, I said vanity. I'm very vain about my status as a Saved by the Bell scholar.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Your Gross Ass Armpits

Deodorant. Do you know how many kinds there are? three million and that's just at Target. Who knows how many they have worldwide. Jesus. I usually use cashmere scented, whatever the hell that even means. Anyway they didn't have it when I went to Target this weekend. They had plum, grapefruit lemongrass, pomegranate, vanilla, and a bunch of other shit that I don't want to put in my armpits. I WANT MY ARMPITS TO SMELL NORMAL. No. No I don't. If they had honeyed apricot I'd buy it. Especially if they spelled it abricot. You can go ahead and call me bougie, you wont be the first. Oh man they should make it so you can order online and make your own flavor. DEODORANT FOR THE RICH AND FANCY. Anyway I didn't like any of the stupid choices they had so I bought one that didn't even say what it was supposed to smell like. Yeah, instead of saying like "Hawaiian Storm" or whatever it said FIVE DAYS TO SLEEVELESS. All this time I've been going straight from sleeves to no sleeves, I didn't even know you were supposed to prep for it, thanks mom, yet another way in which you failed to teach me about being a lady. My mom didn't even take my dads last name when she married him so I probably shouldn't be surprised she didn't teach me how to braid hair or take care of my armpit situation. Anyway they have like five kinds of deodorant to get your gross armpits ready to see the light of day. I think there's one with lotion to make them soft and one with light reflecting particles to make them look like they're a better more light reflecting color I guess. If I had to write deodorant descriptions I would just write down a bunch of words like "pearls," "light reflecting particles," "Shea Butter," "petal," and "summer" and then I'd fling them in the air and put them in whatever order they fell. I'd also use the F word in there too just so people would know I wrote it and not a robot. Put my motherfucking stamp on it! "Get ready for your armpits to feel like a fucking petal, y'all. Dove's patented blend of Shea bitter and argon oils will moisturize the fuck out of your shit. Add our special blend of light reflecting particles and when you raise your hand it will be like John Travolta opening that fucking briefcase in Pulp Fiction. YOUR GROSS ASS ARMPITS WILL GLOW LIKE THE LIGHT OF A HUMAN SOUL." Seriously though, is this a real thing, people being so concerned about the state of their armpits that they need to make five separate products to address the issue? That's kind of insane I think. Hit me up if you know where to find cashmere scented deodorant.

Friday, August 17, 2012

you are my favorite.

I only have one kid, and she is my favorite kid, and I'm probably never having another one because the one I have now would probably still be my favorite. First of all I'll have had her the longest, and also she drinks kale smoothies and acts like a fucking grownup when I take her to nice restaurants. The only way I could ever like another baby better would be if it looked exactly like me and only cried in poignant, sparkling, single tear increments. Or I guess if the tears were actual diamonds. No, if I had a baby that cried diamonds I would probably sell it to finance a life of luxury for myself and my current, favorite baby. Oh, I should let you know when I say baby I mean toddler, that is the last time you'll ever hear me say the word toddler because I hate it. Anyway the times when I do think I should probably have another baby are when I think of my current, awesome baby dying. I think about this like once a week at least because I am a crazy person. That is when I think I should probably have another baby so then the second one could be a replacement if anything happens to the first. Maybe nothing will ever happen to the first one, either way it would be like a - um, what are those people called that get to perform in a play if the actual real actor gets sick which probably hardly ever happens? I don't even know what those people are called, that's how unimportant they are. Oh, an understudy. Now I can definitely never have another baby because it will probably somehow read this and find out its whole purpose in life was to serve as something I couldn't even remember the name of. So anyway this is what I'm thinking about today because I read a story about a lady who has a favorite child, except her favorite child changes every day. THEY'RE ALL HER FAVORITE! Ew. Gross. The lady that wrote this article has a book called confessions of a scary mommy. EW, AGAIN. What the fuck is so scary about liking all your kids equally. That's like the opposite of scary. Everyone says they like all their kids equally and they are probably all lying. Or stupid. I mean what kid of idiot cant tell which they like more out of two things? Besides Wembly on Fraggle Rock. People are always telling me I'm wrong and I would never have a favorite kid. How come people always want to tell me I'm wrong about this sort of shit, like I've never even met myself. They'll ask me "which is your favorite parent?" all fucking smug like they just won this idiotic argument. And I reply, "My mom." My mom is my favorite parent and I just told the whole Internet because I'm a dick. When people ask me when I'm having another kid and I say never they always worry that the perfect baby I already have will be lonely and bored. Or that when I die it's going to suck for her to deal with my estate all by herself. That's what my mom is worried about anyway, which is hilarious. She thinks I'm going to leave some sort of estate?HA. Sorry second children, your purpose in this life is to amuse your older siblings. I can't wait to call my brother now and let him know that he was put on this earth to help me plan our parents funeral.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

i don't even know if i like music anymore

Did you guys know the radio still exists? The actual radio, not like Spotify or whatever. The radio still exists. I started listening to it when I realized I didn't know what One Direction was. It's a band, in case you are as dumb as I was two weeks ago. Three years ago I would have been like of course I don't know what One Direction is, and if I ever accidentally find out about it feel free to punch me in the face, but this year I've decided that not knowing what One Direction is makes me old and irrelevant and I might as well throw myself in the trash. Anyway. Now I know what One Direction is, thank god. I guess I can stay out of the trash bin and live another day to offer critiques of pop culture to my coworkers and people I meet on the bus.

One Direction sings that stupid song "What Makes You Beautiful." The first line is "You're insecure" and the last line is "That's what makes you beautiful." You can cut out all the rest of the lines, those two pretty much sum it up. Seriously. This is the part where I'd initially written a detailed analysis of why One Direction is an idiotic piece of shit, but it was boring as fuck so I deleted it. I think it was about how the only thing worse than a pretty girl who knows she's pretty is an ugly girl who thinks she's pretty. You know. Make it your life's work to be fucking pretty but make sure you keep hating yourself when you get there.

Gross, I don't believe I just talked about One Direction for two whole paragraphs. Look how many times I typed One Direction! I guess since I've already typed the words One Direction nine times like a fucking dick head I might as well talk about Katy Perry. Katy Perry has a song on the radio right now about the part of her that her ex will never take. Look at me, I'm glowing like a firework, you will never put me out again, you fucking dick! That's the gist of that fucking terrible song that is probably on the radio right now they play it so fucking much. That song makes me mad because it's probably about Russell Brand, and I know Russell Brand is not trying to put out Katy Perry's stupid firework or whatever. I know this because I want to have sex with him and I don't have sex with fucking assholes. How dare she talk about Russell Brand that way! This is a common theme on the radio though. Kelly Clarkson sings about the same thing. She has a song about being a fighter or something. Her ex never thought that she'd come back but she came back swinging, she even has a new boyfriend, take that, dude! You didn't utterly and completely destroy me forever. Jesus Christo, I want to do a group therapy session with all of these girls and let them know that just because their exes didn't want to be with them anymore doesn't mean they wanted them to lie down and die. I've broken up with a lot of people and I never wanted to extinguish the beautiful sparkly parts of their inner spirits or whatever. Taylor Swift can come to my therapy group too, I don't think I've ever heard a Taylor Swift song but I'm pretty sure she'd fit right in. I'm not listening to the radio for another eight months.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Mom, What's a Period?

Fuck this NATO summit, I'm not supposed to bring a bag on the CTA so instead of eating the pan seared veal and butternut squash my husband made me I'm probably going to end up eating a sandwich from 7-11. I don't want to talk about NATO though, I want to talk about periods. I don't know why I started a blog about periods with my feelings on NATO and 7-11 sandwiches (fuck them). I guess if you don't like my disjointed writing style you can pay me to blog for you professionally and I'll force myself to be cohesive or whatever. (I'm sorry 7-11 sandwiches, I didn't mean it when I said fuck you, you are my everything.) OK! PERIODS! When I got mine I was so embarrassed I didn't tell anyone and made my own maxi pads out of giant wads of toilet paper. First I tried to use my moms tampons but this was back in the dark ages of periods (1991) when using a tampon was like shoving an empty toilet paper roll up your vagina. Seriously that was probably the single most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to my vagina, plus the diagram, HOLY SHIT. You know who's on our side in the war against women? Tampon scientists. So many awesome tampon advances. Using a tampon these days is a joy and a privilege. Anyway, I have no idea why I was so embarrassed to have a period that I wouldn't even tell my progressive feminist mom. How fucking retarded. Clearly I'm not embarrassed anymore as I'm shouting it from the proverbial rooftops that are the Internet. HELLO WORLD, I HAVE A PERIOD. When do girls become ashamed of their vaginas? It's not some kind of weird innate original sin thing or whatever because my daughter loves her vagina and wants to stick everything in there. I am going to start teaching her about periods now. Why do we wait until girls are 11 or whatever to give them this information. I respect my toddler and I'm going to teach her about periods at the same time I teach her about peeing and pooing. Numbers one, two, and three. Do they have a book for kids about how cool periods are? If not maybe I'll write one. "everybody poops and 51% of us bleed as well." One time I had a boyfriend who didn't even like the word period. Here's what you say to that sort of idiot: IF THERE WERE NO PERIODS THERE WOULD BE NO REPRODUCTION AND THUS NO FUCKING. YOU SHOULD THANK ALL THE GODS ON MOUNT OLYMPUS FOR PERIODS, HOMBRE. I can't wait to pass that gem on to the future generation. 
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